Nanna
You wouldn’t let me come see you
You were dying in some hospital bed
And I wasn’t allowed to say goodbye
Do you know how it feels to wake up everyday
Knowing I can’t see your face
I can’t hear you laugh
You won’t come down for Christmas
And I never got to say goodbye
I didn’t even speak to you
You were sick for months
I knew it was all ending
I was so young, but I knew
Were you afraid it was too much to handle?
Did you think I would be scared?
Were you ashamed for me to see you like that?
I know you would want to be remembered
As your vibrant, smiling self
But I only wanted to say goodbye
To see you one last time
And hold your hand in mine
Kiss you on the cheek
This would be one last memory
I could hold onto
And it would comfort me when
The hurting seeps back in
It shakes me at night while I lie
Thinking about you sleeping underground
“The thought of death, it scares me to death”
I refused to go to your wake
You couldn’t really be gone
I hated to think about you lying there
Lifeless and cold and stiff
If I didn’t have to see it
I wouldn’t have to believe it
But then the funeral came
And I felt so abandoned
You were dead and I was saying goodbye
You wouldn’t respond
When I professed how much I loved you
And my tears fell unanswered
And you didn’t take me in your arms
And you couldn’t stroke my hair
And tell me I was safe
You mustn’t think I’m selfish
But you could have lived longer
You could have kept on fighting
For a couple more months
And I could have come to see you
And read to you
And prayed by your side
But you wanted to die
You wanted to leave this world
Be rid of the pain and suffering
The heavy weight that you carried
You were ready to surrender
I didn’t realize until now
How much you’d been through
The divorce
The distance
The solitude
I only wish I’d known
Why did no one tell me?
I deserved to hear it
Someone should have explained
You were depressed
And alcohol soothed your pain
You drank the sorrow away
And I never knew
How bad it was
The first time you got sick
I was too young to comprehend
I knew it was your lungs
The cancer fiend had seized you
You were on oxygen for a while
But you got better
You recovered and things were fine
But I don’t think they really were
You put up a façade
And I never knew
The drinking got worse and worse
You did it in front of me and my sister
I remember
But I didn’t know you abused it
Now my mother tells me
But does it change anything?
It made me angry at you
For treating your body like that
For destroying your self
In spite of everyone that loved you
We were all there for you
But you never came to us
You wanted to struggle alone
Slowly killing such a beautiful life
And you got sick again
Liver cancer
But you weren’t going to get better
That’s what the doctors said
I begged for God to spare you
Everyday I got on my knees and pleaded
I wouldn’t let Him take you
I thought that if I tried hard enough
I’d convince Him to let me keep you
For just a little bit longer
Just long enough for you to see me
See me growing up and
Be proud of me
But it was time
Time for you to move on
And leave us all behind
And you asked them
To take you off life support
And you died
Early in the morning
And my mother told me later that day
And I couldn’t fight the tears
And everything went black
And a part of me died too
It was the first time I had to face death
Real death
A death that wrenched my heart from its socket
And I began to lose my innocence
And I’d do anything to go back
To be ignorant of reality
And tragedy
Since then
Life has been so much harder
But I know I’m stronger now
And I just wish you cold see me
I wish you were still here
Don’t think I’m angry at you
I didn’t mean to sound accusing
I don’t think any different of you
I can be so irrational
If anything, the things I’ve learned
Only make me love you more
True, at first I felt betrayed
Felt like you weren’t the person I knew
The person I’d grown up with
Then came understanding
We are all human
And I can’t judge you
Thinking back
It all seems so long ago
Six and a half years
I’d almost forgotten the unconditional love
That I felt as a child
But I feel it now
And I look up to heaven
And hope you’re looking down
Watching me
And smiling
And whispering back to me
“I love you too”
You were dying in some hospital bed
And I wasn’t allowed to say goodbye
Do you know how it feels to wake up everyday
Knowing I can’t see your face
I can’t hear you laugh
You won’t come down for Christmas
And I never got to say goodbye
I didn’t even speak to you
You were sick for months
I knew it was all ending
I was so young, but I knew
Were you afraid it was too much to handle?
Did you think I would be scared?
Were you ashamed for me to see you like that?
I know you would want to be remembered
As your vibrant, smiling self
But I only wanted to say goodbye
To see you one last time
And hold your hand in mine
Kiss you on the cheek
This would be one last memory
I could hold onto
And it would comfort me when
The hurting seeps back in
It shakes me at night while I lie
Thinking about you sleeping underground
“The thought of death, it scares me to death”
I refused to go to your wake
You couldn’t really be gone
I hated to think about you lying there
Lifeless and cold and stiff
If I didn’t have to see it
I wouldn’t have to believe it
But then the funeral came
And I felt so abandoned
You were dead and I was saying goodbye
You wouldn’t respond
When I professed how much I loved you
And my tears fell unanswered
And you didn’t take me in your arms
And you couldn’t stroke my hair
And tell me I was safe
You mustn’t think I’m selfish
But you could have lived longer
You could have kept on fighting
For a couple more months
And I could have come to see you
And read to you
And prayed by your side
But you wanted to die
You wanted to leave this world
Be rid of the pain and suffering
The heavy weight that you carried
You were ready to surrender
I didn’t realize until now
How much you’d been through
The divorce
The distance
The solitude
I only wish I’d known
Why did no one tell me?
I deserved to hear it
Someone should have explained
You were depressed
And alcohol soothed your pain
You drank the sorrow away
And I never knew
How bad it was
The first time you got sick
I was too young to comprehend
I knew it was your lungs
The cancer fiend had seized you
You were on oxygen for a while
But you got better
You recovered and things were fine
But I don’t think they really were
You put up a façade
And I never knew
The drinking got worse and worse
You did it in front of me and my sister
I remember
But I didn’t know you abused it
Now my mother tells me
But does it change anything?
It made me angry at you
For treating your body like that
For destroying your self
In spite of everyone that loved you
We were all there for you
But you never came to us
You wanted to struggle alone
Slowly killing such a beautiful life
And you got sick again
Liver cancer
But you weren’t going to get better
That’s what the doctors said
I begged for God to spare you
Everyday I got on my knees and pleaded
I wouldn’t let Him take you
I thought that if I tried hard enough
I’d convince Him to let me keep you
For just a little bit longer
Just long enough for you to see me
See me growing up and
Be proud of me
But it was time
Time for you to move on
And leave us all behind
And you asked them
To take you off life support
And you died
Early in the morning
And my mother told me later that day
And I couldn’t fight the tears
And everything went black
And a part of me died too
It was the first time I had to face death
Real death
A death that wrenched my heart from its socket
And I began to lose my innocence
And I’d do anything to go back
To be ignorant of reality
And tragedy
Since then
Life has been so much harder
But I know I’m stronger now
And I just wish you cold see me
I wish you were still here
Don’t think I’m angry at you
I didn’t mean to sound accusing
I don’t think any different of you
I can be so irrational
If anything, the things I’ve learned
Only make me love you more
True, at first I felt betrayed
Felt like you weren’t the person I knew
The person I’d grown up with
Then came understanding
We are all human
And I can’t judge you
Thinking back
It all seems so long ago
Six and a half years
I’d almost forgotten the unconditional love
That I felt as a child
But I feel it now
And I look up to heaven
And hope you’re looking down
Watching me
And smiling
And whispering back to me
“I love you too”