a year, off
so here's what i've been up to lately.
i'm worrying about money a lot lately. i realize now that i spent way too much time not being careful with my money once i moved here. i pissed away a lot on fast food and entertainment without thinking about financial sustainability, and as such i have gone from having over $5,000 in my bank account to briefly popping over $1,000 after depositing each paycheck, then dipping under again. it's finally at the point where i had to ask my dad for money today. granted, i've got some pricey car work that needs to be done before it's taken on a 1,800 mile trip, so that's pretty much necessary. but it's bullshit that i've mismanaged to the point of not being able to afford it myself.
i'm just waiting, waiting, waiting until i can start school again, and all my finances will be in loans that will be taken care of in the unforeseeable future. a metaphorical crawling-back-into-my-nice-warm-bed. but that's not for another six months.
it's getting harder and harder to live with myself. i'm just surrounded by everything i was wrong about. this year was supposed to be fantastic, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for growth and maturation. i was going to save money, develop hobbies, meet lifelong friends and become a smarter, wiser, healthier and more worldly individual. i was going to learn how to play the accordion, how to cook healthy and cheap meals for myself, how to read music, how to build things, how to write. i was going to ride a bike every day and read a book every week. i was going to watch documentaries on everything, whatever i could get my hands on. i was going to learn sign language, first aid, CPR, and i was finally going to read all those books i've started and just run out of gas on. i was going to eat healthy, more vegetables, no more soda. i was going to be a fabulously outgoing, charming person, and a gracious roommate. i was going to contribute to my community. i was going to be my own mentor and forge myself into a razor-sharp dynamo of thought and learning and action. i was going to be an inspiration to myself, and i was going to be someone i could be proud of. i was going to do all that.
but look how much of that i got done. i rode my bike around once, maybe twice, since i got it six months ago. i still have fast food from time to time, and just about everything i pick up for meals from the grocery store require little more than heating. i drink more soda now than ever. i read less than i ever did. thank god we don't have TV here. my day consists of little more than the cycle of getting ready for work, working, then resting after work. rest usually takes up the whole night, and i get nothing done. sometimes i don't even eat. this is usually a mix of laziness and not wanting to spend money, because i've gotten myself in too bad a financial state to want to even eat three times a day. then again, i'm too weak to fight impulse purchases when i do go out to shop for pre-made meals. i pretend that i do a zine and that i will work on it on my next day off, but i never do, i've always got some excuse not too. i've gotten so good at convincing myself that this silly angst game will somehow inspire better creative outletting that the momentum of it seems too difficult to derail at this point. i'm so exhausted after work that i don't want to invest the energy of developping a hobby. sometimes i wonder if maybe i'm diabetic like my dad, or have some other energy-draining deal wrong with me, and that's why i'm so unproductive, and maybe it's not my fault. this is usually followed by dismay at the imagined cost of treating whatever disease or disorder it may be, so i go back to hoping i'm just a lazy slob and that someday i'll just get so fed up with my rut that i'll fight my way out of it with fierce effort. but not today, i'm tired.
i want to say at this point that the money thing is not entirely my fault. i certainly have most of the actual blame resting on my shoulders, because of how i've mismanaged the money that i get. but even before i mismanaged it there was already less of it coming in than i expected, since i had a persistent problem of being shorted on hours at work. three-day workweeks weren't enough, even when i make a conscious effort to spend less. i tried to look for another job, but with no real experience (and the knowledge that anywhere else could promise 40 hours and deliver 25, as my current job had), i gave up hope on moving somewhere else. as far as being exhausted every day goes, let me try topin that one on my job as well. see, since i didn't have any previous work experience other than volunteer work at a summer camp, i had two job offers some back from my first round of resume-whoring. one Jack In the Box and the other from Jerry's Home Improvement Center. for the sake of mental and moral health i chose Jerry's. unfortunately, the only job i was qualified for at Jerry's was that of the guy who pushes all the shopping carts from the parking lot into the store, and who loads boxes of tile into old people's cars for them. this is what they call an Honest Job, and they call it that because calling it Back-Breaking, Soul-Crushing Misery doesn't have as nice of a ring to it. wether or not the job is very physically tiring for the usual teenagers they hire, i'm not sure, but since i've had a really weak right leg since 3rd grade that's been giving me more and more trouble lately anyway, the amount of labor i put on it as a Front End Stocker was too much at times, to the point where it ached all day long on my days off, and at least once kept me up straight through the night. it's still hard for me to get into my car and swing it over to the pedals. anyway, enough excuses. i've successfully complained to my supervisor and starting tomorrow i am moving to the Garden Department to assemble barbecues and wheelbarrows, which should be easier on my leg,in addition to (hopefully) getting me a consistent 40 hours a week.
so anyway, i really don't want to be a downer. it's just easier. things are going pretty well. as long as i'm not in jail, addicted to crack or getting kicked out of my house, i shouldn't have any reason to complain. i really want to look on the bright side of things, it's just hard to when i set up this whole great life for myself then fail to reach it due mostly to my own lack of willpower. but being down on myself isn't going to get me anywhere but into more trouble.
every once in a while something comes along that puts a damper on whatever petty problems you have with yourself or with others, and sort of forces you to acknowledge something. a couple things happened in the last week. someone at my work whom i had never talked to was murdered in a domestic dispute. four days later, my girlfriend became the aunt of a healthy baby boy, and his parents couldn't be happier. this one-two punch pretty much put me into a sort of trance. i didn't even know what to think about the combination. i could have dealt with the disruptive epiphany that would come with either one individually, but together they just leave me feeling... overwhelmed. and silenced. whenever i think of them (always in conjunction, rarely separately) i have to just stop and hope it will get sorted out and i will feel one distinct feeling about either one. but that hasn't happened yet. i just expect so much to happen, i don't think i could handle it just yet. it's so exhausting, i give up and think about anything else just to get going again. i really want to process these things, i just don't think i could just yet.
god, this entry is terrible. i was trying to write it out as a draft for whatever i might want to put into a zine, but it's so aimless and confused that it just doesn't work as anything. that's how i've felt lately. my brain just isn't working right. it's too tired. god i want a break... from my own brain. i want to stop thinking about all this crap constantly. if only i didn't have to worry about money, i wouldn't always get plunged into the circle of feeling like crap about myself so much. i can't ever think about money at all without it leading to feeling like a failure.
i'm done with this for now. sorry. i'm tired. i'm going to sit in front ofa movie or something. i just need to distract myself.
i'm just too tired to put up a good fight against feeling like crap.
i'm worrying about money a lot lately. i realize now that i spent way too much time not being careful with my money once i moved here. i pissed away a lot on fast food and entertainment without thinking about financial sustainability, and as such i have gone from having over $5,000 in my bank account to briefly popping over $1,000 after depositing each paycheck, then dipping under again. it's finally at the point where i had to ask my dad for money today. granted, i've got some pricey car work that needs to be done before it's taken on a 1,800 mile trip, so that's pretty much necessary. but it's bullshit that i've mismanaged to the point of not being able to afford it myself.
i'm just waiting, waiting, waiting until i can start school again, and all my finances will be in loans that will be taken care of in the unforeseeable future. a metaphorical crawling-back-into-my-nice-warm-bed. but that's not for another six months.
it's getting harder and harder to live with myself. i'm just surrounded by everything i was wrong about. this year was supposed to be fantastic, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for growth and maturation. i was going to save money, develop hobbies, meet lifelong friends and become a smarter, wiser, healthier and more worldly individual. i was going to learn how to play the accordion, how to cook healthy and cheap meals for myself, how to read music, how to build things, how to write. i was going to ride a bike every day and read a book every week. i was going to watch documentaries on everything, whatever i could get my hands on. i was going to learn sign language, first aid, CPR, and i was finally going to read all those books i've started and just run out of gas on. i was going to eat healthy, more vegetables, no more soda. i was going to be a fabulously outgoing, charming person, and a gracious roommate. i was going to contribute to my community. i was going to be my own mentor and forge myself into a razor-sharp dynamo of thought and learning and action. i was going to be an inspiration to myself, and i was going to be someone i could be proud of. i was going to do all that.
but look how much of that i got done. i rode my bike around once, maybe twice, since i got it six months ago. i still have fast food from time to time, and just about everything i pick up for meals from the grocery store require little more than heating. i drink more soda now than ever. i read less than i ever did. thank god we don't have TV here. my day consists of little more than the cycle of getting ready for work, working, then resting after work. rest usually takes up the whole night, and i get nothing done. sometimes i don't even eat. this is usually a mix of laziness and not wanting to spend money, because i've gotten myself in too bad a financial state to want to even eat three times a day. then again, i'm too weak to fight impulse purchases when i do go out to shop for pre-made meals. i pretend that i do a zine and that i will work on it on my next day off, but i never do, i've always got some excuse not too. i've gotten so good at convincing myself that this silly angst game will somehow inspire better creative outletting that the momentum of it seems too difficult to derail at this point. i'm so exhausted after work that i don't want to invest the energy of developping a hobby. sometimes i wonder if maybe i'm diabetic like my dad, or have some other energy-draining deal wrong with me, and that's why i'm so unproductive, and maybe it's not my fault. this is usually followed by dismay at the imagined cost of treating whatever disease or disorder it may be, so i go back to hoping i'm just a lazy slob and that someday i'll just get so fed up with my rut that i'll fight my way out of it with fierce effort. but not today, i'm tired.
i want to say at this point that the money thing is not entirely my fault. i certainly have most of the actual blame resting on my shoulders, because of how i've mismanaged the money that i get. but even before i mismanaged it there was already less of it coming in than i expected, since i had a persistent problem of being shorted on hours at work. three-day workweeks weren't enough, even when i make a conscious effort to spend less. i tried to look for another job, but with no real experience (and the knowledge that anywhere else could promise 40 hours and deliver 25, as my current job had), i gave up hope on moving somewhere else. as far as being exhausted every day goes, let me try topin that one on my job as well. see, since i didn't have any previous work experience other than volunteer work at a summer camp, i had two job offers some back from my first round of resume-whoring. one Jack In the Box and the other from Jerry's Home Improvement Center. for the sake of mental and moral health i chose Jerry's. unfortunately, the only job i was qualified for at Jerry's was that of the guy who pushes all the shopping carts from the parking lot into the store, and who loads boxes of tile into old people's cars for them. this is what they call an Honest Job, and they call it that because calling it Back-Breaking, Soul-Crushing Misery doesn't have as nice of a ring to it. wether or not the job is very physically tiring for the usual teenagers they hire, i'm not sure, but since i've had a really weak right leg since 3rd grade that's been giving me more and more trouble lately anyway, the amount of labor i put on it as a Front End Stocker was too much at times, to the point where it ached all day long on my days off, and at least once kept me up straight through the night. it's still hard for me to get into my car and swing it over to the pedals. anyway, enough excuses. i've successfully complained to my supervisor and starting tomorrow i am moving to the Garden Department to assemble barbecues and wheelbarrows, which should be easier on my leg,in addition to (hopefully) getting me a consistent 40 hours a week.
so anyway, i really don't want to be a downer. it's just easier. things are going pretty well. as long as i'm not in jail, addicted to crack or getting kicked out of my house, i shouldn't have any reason to complain. i really want to look on the bright side of things, it's just hard to when i set up this whole great life for myself then fail to reach it due mostly to my own lack of willpower. but being down on myself isn't going to get me anywhere but into more trouble.
every once in a while something comes along that puts a damper on whatever petty problems you have with yourself or with others, and sort of forces you to acknowledge something. a couple things happened in the last week. someone at my work whom i had never talked to was murdered in a domestic dispute. four days later, my girlfriend became the aunt of a healthy baby boy, and his parents couldn't be happier. this one-two punch pretty much put me into a sort of trance. i didn't even know what to think about the combination. i could have dealt with the disruptive epiphany that would come with either one individually, but together they just leave me feeling... overwhelmed. and silenced. whenever i think of them (always in conjunction, rarely separately) i have to just stop and hope it will get sorted out and i will feel one distinct feeling about either one. but that hasn't happened yet. i just expect so much to happen, i don't think i could handle it just yet. it's so exhausting, i give up and think about anything else just to get going again. i really want to process these things, i just don't think i could just yet.
god, this entry is terrible. i was trying to write it out as a draft for whatever i might want to put into a zine, but it's so aimless and confused that it just doesn't work as anything. that's how i've felt lately. my brain just isn't working right. it's too tired. god i want a break... from my own brain. i want to stop thinking about all this crap constantly. if only i didn't have to worry about money, i wouldn't always get plunged into the circle of feeling like crap about myself so much. i can't ever think about money at all without it leading to feeling like a failure.
i'm done with this for now. sorry. i'm tired. i'm going to sit in front ofa movie or something. i just need to distract myself.
i'm just too tired to put up a good fight against feeling like crap.