Breaking Points
As the holidays near, it seems like the issue of suicide keeps coming up. A friend of mine is currently struggling with this, as someone in her family attempted to take her life late last week.
I have many thoughts about suicide, but I guess the one I want to talk about today is from a "left behind" perspective.
When my mother tried to kill herself, initially I was heart-broken. I couldn't imagine how her taking herself out of the picture was the answer. When she was first discovered, I rushed to be by her side and offered nothing but words of calm reassurance.
My mother's reaction?
Anger that her attempt had failed.
Her attitude changed my perspective about what she had tried. She wasn't sorry and that meant that her actions weren't "accidental", but purposeful. By attempting suicide, she was sending a loud and clear message that she no longer wanted to be my mother or a part of my life.
Her anger at failing only fueled then my new anger at her selfishness. Had she succeeded, my brothers and I (along with her husband) would have been left to clean up the mess.
How do you do that? How does one bring themselves to throw away a Coke she had started but hadn't finished? How do you give away clothes she wore and you fondly remember? The thought of seeing someone else in them is almost more than I can bear and for that reason alone, I think I might have asked to burn them.
I know what it's like to think dark thoughts and to wonder if the stillness is any better than the mental chaos that I live with everyday.
But as my friend and her family are now finding out, suicide isn't the answer.
Do things have to get that bad before people pay attention to a person's emotional pain? Are we so caught up in our lives that we fail to notice the signs before us?
There's always guilt with a suicide attempt for those who know the attemptor. I should have done more. I should have known...I should have seen...I should have...
That's unfair and unrealistic.
Sometimes, as in my mother's case, there weren't signs to see. I had spent several days with her before her attempt and she was fine. Our visit was lovely, our conversations typical. We laughed a lot and there was nothing in her demeanor that would have indicated that an attempt was on the horizon.
Everyone has a breaking point. But this point is known. I think it's like walking towards a cliff. You can see the edge before you reach it. You shouldn't have to jump off it before you realize you went too far.
Sharing with others your breaking point requires more vulnerability than most people are willing to share. I know because usually that relates to me.
But if I care for the people in my life, even if sometimes that means more than I care for myself, then I have to know that suicide isn't an answer. I might feel better afterwards (or I might not) but those I left behind never would.
Life is a fight. I'm realizing that each day is a struggle to make it one more and one more after that and one more after that. The second I decide I can't run the race, I should ask others to help carry me before I withdraw on my own.
Peace for myself can't be worth it if I compromise the peace of all the others I love in my life.
I have many thoughts about suicide, but I guess the one I want to talk about today is from a "left behind" perspective.
When my mother tried to kill herself, initially I was heart-broken. I couldn't imagine how her taking herself out of the picture was the answer. When she was first discovered, I rushed to be by her side and offered nothing but words of calm reassurance.
My mother's reaction?
Anger that her attempt had failed.
Her attitude changed my perspective about what she had tried. She wasn't sorry and that meant that her actions weren't "accidental", but purposeful. By attempting suicide, she was sending a loud and clear message that she no longer wanted to be my mother or a part of my life.
Her anger at failing only fueled then my new anger at her selfishness. Had she succeeded, my brothers and I (along with her husband) would have been left to clean up the mess.
How do you do that? How does one bring themselves to throw away a Coke she had started but hadn't finished? How do you give away clothes she wore and you fondly remember? The thought of seeing someone else in them is almost more than I can bear and for that reason alone, I think I might have asked to burn them.
I know what it's like to think dark thoughts and to wonder if the stillness is any better than the mental chaos that I live with everyday.
But as my friend and her family are now finding out, suicide isn't the answer.
Do things have to get that bad before people pay attention to a person's emotional pain? Are we so caught up in our lives that we fail to notice the signs before us?
There's always guilt with a suicide attempt for those who know the attemptor. I should have done more. I should have known...I should have seen...I should have...
That's unfair and unrealistic.
Sometimes, as in my mother's case, there weren't signs to see. I had spent several days with her before her attempt and she was fine. Our visit was lovely, our conversations typical. We laughed a lot and there was nothing in her demeanor that would have indicated that an attempt was on the horizon.
Everyone has a breaking point. But this point is known. I think it's like walking towards a cliff. You can see the edge before you reach it. You shouldn't have to jump off it before you realize you went too far.
Sharing with others your breaking point requires more vulnerability than most people are willing to share. I know because usually that relates to me.
But if I care for the people in my life, even if sometimes that means more than I care for myself, then I have to know that suicide isn't an answer. I might feel better afterwards (or I might not) but those I left behind never would.
Life is a fight. I'm realizing that each day is a struggle to make it one more and one more after that and one more after that. The second I decide I can't run the race, I should ask others to help carry me before I withdraw on my own.
Peace for myself can't be worth it if I compromise the peace of all the others I love in my life.