Lies We Tell Ourselves
There are many lies self-injurers tell themselves. I know them well because I used to say them and believe them. But they are lies. And I think once I was confronted with the lies I believed, I was forced to fully face what I was doing, who I was hurting (and it was more than just myself) and what I thought would happen if I gave myself permission to "feel" the feelings.
There are too many lies to discuss in just one post, but I think this is a topic worth more than one entry anyway.
Lie #1: Why should people care if I self-injure? I'm only hurting myself.
Response: As a self-injurer I felt invisible. I didn't believe I had real value and I felt damaged. If a damaged myself externally, all I was doing was trying to make my outside fit my insides. Although I was the only one bleeding, bruising or feeling physical pain, seeing my injuries and knowing what I was doing to myself caused others emotional pain. You have value. So when you hurt, others hurt with you. You are never just hurting yourself.
Lie #2: It's my body and I can do what I want to with it.
Response: True. It is your body and how you treat it is something you have to live with. But here's the other side to this statement: your body is the only one you will ever have. What you do today, positive or negative, will have a lasting impact. You cut today, you're scared tomorrow. You starve for years, your body may be permanently damaged. You owe it to others in your life to take care of yourself. If you don't and become weak, sick, physically unable to care or function independently, you become someone else's responsibility. One day we will all need someone else's help to get around, feed ourselves, etc. How sad it would be if our actions today brought that reality around sooner than it would have come naturally.
Lie #3: If I don't injure, I will die.
Response: This was my reality for 30 years. I truly believed, with all of my being, that if I didn't injure, my emotional levels would be so great that I would literally collapse and die. I felt like an emotional tide of water being held back by a dam of self-injury. If I opened the dam, I believed I would be carried away, forever. Here's what I learned: I can feel my feelings and they won't kill me. They are uncomfortable, even physically painful at times, but they have never been strong enough to stop my heart or make my head explode.
Lie #4: If people cared about me, they would try to do something.
Response: As a self-injurer, I would not be denied. If I wanted to injure, noting anyone said or did would deter me. It wasn't about caring, it was about willpower and my will was stronger than their concern. The ONLY person who can save you from self-injury is you. Period. If you want people to "do something", you have to tell them, not think they will understand the coded messages you've left on your body. People are more inclined to help when they know what they're expected to do.
Lie #5: My scars are like a security blanket. I need them.
Response: My scars remind me of painful parts of my past. I know what was going on when they were made and looking at them, I can "re-live" that pain if I choose to. But over time, they are fading. My scars help to show the world that I am a survivor. But as they disappear, does that mean I'm not strong or haven't gone through some difficult times? NO. Because for as many scars as I have on the outside of my body, I believe I have an ever greater number on my heart and spirit. I will carry those with me forever. I have other ways of showing the world where I've been and how I made it through. My scars, like the pain they represent, are fading over time. It's okay. I know who I am, where I've been and where I'm going.
Lie #6: I am stronger than other people because I can handle the pain.
Response: Self-injury isn't about strength or handling pain. It's about coping. I used to think I was stronger than others too because of the amount of pain I could inflict upon myself and tolerate. But this was a lie. Being a strong person means being able to face difficult times with courage and confidence...being able to share your feelings, your concerns, your fears with those closest to you and allowing them to support you in those times. I didn't have to bleed to show how strong I was. In fact, I bled because I was ashamed and fearful that I wasn't lovable enough to get what I so desperately needed from other people: love and understanding.
Lie #7: If I don't bleed, I won't know I am still alive.
Response: I know what it's like to feel invisible...to go through an entire day and never speak to another living soul. I lived for years with the fear that I had somehow died and just didn't know it yet. When I bled, I could "prove" to myself that I was still alive: I could touch it, taste it, run it along my fingers. I don't know why my tears didn't prove I was alive. Or love making. Or illness. (I mean, can a dead person get the stomach flu? I don't think so!) You ARE alive. Feeling like a phantom is something that more people can relate to than you know. If I went the whole day without talking to anyone, it's because I also wasn't speaking. Sometimes we have to be the instigators. Call someone. Do something you enjoy. Give yourself permission to feel feelings, whatever they are. Being about to feel dog kisses or taste food or cry tears means you are still alive, even if you feel dead inside!
Lie #8: If people knew the "real" me, they would know I'm a horrible person who makes bad choices and they would understand why I do what I do.
Response: Unless you are a child molester, ax murderer, serial killer, assassin, rapist, or kill people for body parts to sell on the black market, you are probably someone who can be "saved". Everyone has made mistakes, said the wrong thing, or done the wrong thing. No one is perfect. But few people in this world as so bad that they must constantly bleed to atone for their sins. If you were as awful as you believe you are, your family would have disowned you, you'd have no friends, no employer would want to hire you, no church would welcome you as a member (I think they can sense pure evil, right?) and no one would call you, date you, marry you or let you adopt a pet. The reality is people do know as much of you as you allow them to see. They accept that. If what you've allowed them to see isn't accurate and you are looking for true acceptance, then show them more. Don't automatically assume no one will love you for you. Trust the world enough with your true self and let them make a decision. People tend to be more forgiving of others than we are of ourselves. You are worth getting to know and love. Give people a chance!
There are so many lies we tell ourselves to justify what we do. As someone who has struggled with an eating disorder and self-injury, I know how powerful these lies are and how far I used to go to protect them. I didn't want to believe they were lies, because if I did that, it meant my friends, my family, my therapist, my minister, my colleagues and my husband were telling me the truth, that I was gloriously made, lovable and an asset to the world.
We all choose which messages we believe. Each day affords us a new opportunity to choose the right ones. It isn't always an easy choice to make, but it is ours. Choose messages that build you up, celebrate the person you are. It's never too late to find happiness in your life.
There are too many lies to discuss in just one post, but I think this is a topic worth more than one entry anyway.
Lie #1: Why should people care if I self-injure? I'm only hurting myself.
Response: As a self-injurer I felt invisible. I didn't believe I had real value and I felt damaged. If a damaged myself externally, all I was doing was trying to make my outside fit my insides. Although I was the only one bleeding, bruising or feeling physical pain, seeing my injuries and knowing what I was doing to myself caused others emotional pain. You have value. So when you hurt, others hurt with you. You are never just hurting yourself.
Lie #2: It's my body and I can do what I want to with it.
Response: True. It is your body and how you treat it is something you have to live with. But here's the other side to this statement: your body is the only one you will ever have. What you do today, positive or negative, will have a lasting impact. You cut today, you're scared tomorrow. You starve for years, your body may be permanently damaged. You owe it to others in your life to take care of yourself. If you don't and become weak, sick, physically unable to care or function independently, you become someone else's responsibility. One day we will all need someone else's help to get around, feed ourselves, etc. How sad it would be if our actions today brought that reality around sooner than it would have come naturally.
Lie #3: If I don't injure, I will die.
Response: This was my reality for 30 years. I truly believed, with all of my being, that if I didn't injure, my emotional levels would be so great that I would literally collapse and die. I felt like an emotional tide of water being held back by a dam of self-injury. If I opened the dam, I believed I would be carried away, forever. Here's what I learned: I can feel my feelings and they won't kill me. They are uncomfortable, even physically painful at times, but they have never been strong enough to stop my heart or make my head explode.
Lie #4: If people cared about me, they would try to do something.
Response: As a self-injurer, I would not be denied. If I wanted to injure, noting anyone said or did would deter me. It wasn't about caring, it was about willpower and my will was stronger than their concern. The ONLY person who can save you from self-injury is you. Period. If you want people to "do something", you have to tell them, not think they will understand the coded messages you've left on your body. People are more inclined to help when they know what they're expected to do.
Lie #5: My scars are like a security blanket. I need them.
Response: My scars remind me of painful parts of my past. I know what was going on when they were made and looking at them, I can "re-live" that pain if I choose to. But over time, they are fading. My scars help to show the world that I am a survivor. But as they disappear, does that mean I'm not strong or haven't gone through some difficult times? NO. Because for as many scars as I have on the outside of my body, I believe I have an ever greater number on my heart and spirit. I will carry those with me forever. I have other ways of showing the world where I've been and how I made it through. My scars, like the pain they represent, are fading over time. It's okay. I know who I am, where I've been and where I'm going.
Lie #6: I am stronger than other people because I can handle the pain.
Response: Self-injury isn't about strength or handling pain. It's about coping. I used to think I was stronger than others too because of the amount of pain I could inflict upon myself and tolerate. But this was a lie. Being a strong person means being able to face difficult times with courage and confidence...being able to share your feelings, your concerns, your fears with those closest to you and allowing them to support you in those times. I didn't have to bleed to show how strong I was. In fact, I bled because I was ashamed and fearful that I wasn't lovable enough to get what I so desperately needed from other people: love and understanding.
Lie #7: If I don't bleed, I won't know I am still alive.
Response: I know what it's like to feel invisible...to go through an entire day and never speak to another living soul. I lived for years with the fear that I had somehow died and just didn't know it yet. When I bled, I could "prove" to myself that I was still alive: I could touch it, taste it, run it along my fingers. I don't know why my tears didn't prove I was alive. Or love making. Or illness. (I mean, can a dead person get the stomach flu? I don't think so!) You ARE alive. Feeling like a phantom is something that more people can relate to than you know. If I went the whole day without talking to anyone, it's because I also wasn't speaking. Sometimes we have to be the instigators. Call someone. Do something you enjoy. Give yourself permission to feel feelings, whatever they are. Being about to feel dog kisses or taste food or cry tears means you are still alive, even if you feel dead inside!
Lie #8: If people knew the "real" me, they would know I'm a horrible person who makes bad choices and they would understand why I do what I do.
Response: Unless you are a child molester, ax murderer, serial killer, assassin, rapist, or kill people for body parts to sell on the black market, you are probably someone who can be "saved". Everyone has made mistakes, said the wrong thing, or done the wrong thing. No one is perfect. But few people in this world as so bad that they must constantly bleed to atone for their sins. If you were as awful as you believe you are, your family would have disowned you, you'd have no friends, no employer would want to hire you, no church would welcome you as a member (I think they can sense pure evil, right?) and no one would call you, date you, marry you or let you adopt a pet. The reality is people do know as much of you as you allow them to see. They accept that. If what you've allowed them to see isn't accurate and you are looking for true acceptance, then show them more. Don't automatically assume no one will love you for you. Trust the world enough with your true self and let them make a decision. People tend to be more forgiving of others than we are of ourselves. You are worth getting to know and love. Give people a chance!
There are so many lies we tell ourselves to justify what we do. As someone who has struggled with an eating disorder and self-injury, I know how powerful these lies are and how far I used to go to protect them. I didn't want to believe they were lies, because if I did that, it meant my friends, my family, my therapist, my minister, my colleagues and my husband were telling me the truth, that I was gloriously made, lovable and an asset to the world.
We all choose which messages we believe. Each day affords us a new opportunity to choose the right ones. It isn't always an easy choice to make, but it is ours. Choose messages that build you up, celebrate the person you are. It's never too late to find happiness in your life.