The Blind Leading The Blind
I believe that as someone who is recovering from self-injury, I have to do all that I can to protect myself from people and situations that act as triggers. Coming to this decision was a long process, and something that has taken months to implement. How do you tell someone they just aren't "good" for you, especially when you've relied on them heavily in the past?
With an eating disorder, I found this process much easier to deal with. As with most women I imagine, within their social group are people who obsess about their looks, their weight, their perception in the eyes of others. No matter how good they look or how small their waist, it's never enough. If I ever needed help staying true to my eating disorder, I had a core group of women I could call to hang out with. Listening to them criticize others and themselves made it easier to say no when I was feeling vulnerable and craving calories. Instead of helping me get healthy, no matter how many times I was in the hospital, these women helped to keep me sick. I didn't see it at the time, but once I realized the vicious cycle they were helping to perpetuate, I knew I had to end my relationships with them. Now, years later, I am stronger and healthier than I've ever been. This fact is in part because I am no longer surrounding myself with people whose constant messages of inadequacy fuel my body image issues. Does that mean that they are gone? No. But they are finally to a place where I feel that they are under control. And I know, if given half a chance, I could plunge myself right back to the bottom of the barrel and all of the work I've done would be in vain.
With self-injury triggers, this has proven to be more difficult. The more open I've been with my struggles, the more open others have been with theirs. I get asked over and over again what to do with friends who are so needy that it triggers self-destructive behavior within themselves? How can you help someone else when you yourself are in such desperate need of help? Is it possible for the blind to lead the blind? Yes. But where they end up remains to be seen.
As part of my therapy process, I had to do an inventory of the relationships in my life. I was asked to analyze them and break them into parts. What did I offer to the relationship? What was asked of me in the relationship? What did I get out of the relationship? What would my life be without the relationship? Was the relationship part of the solution or part of the problem?
More often than not, they were part of the problem.
I don't like conflict and tend to do what I can to make peace with others. As a result, I feel like a doormat most of the time. Am I assertive? Yes. But not as much as I would like and certainly not often as I should be.
It has been a difficult process to go through and re-evaluate who I allow into my life. Some people who are very dear to me, but not healthy, have had to go. Their needs were beyond my capabilities and I was left with a constant feeling of letting them down and feeling inadequate. They were great at receiving help but horrible at returning it. Their needs weren't the same as mine, and I could not continue the relationship in a healthy and supportive way, so it had to end.
Here is where I have made a stand for myself. I am no longer concerned with how people see me or if they understand what I'm trying to do. I have one life to live and cannot afford to throw away all of my hard work by exposing myself to people or situations that make me want to self-injure all over again.
There was an article on CNN.com that addressed the issue of needy friends a while back. I pass it on to you now as a way of offering some suggestions for how to handle these individuals. To try and take on the burdens of others is too great, especially when the burdens of your own life need to take precidence.
http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/02/20/lw.self.destructive.friends/index.html?iref=newssearch
I want to believe that as time passes and objectivity returns to people's lives, they will realize the difficulty of the road I'm walking and the importance of the decisions I'm making. For the first time in my life, I feel like I am looking out for my own best interests.
I wish I had more wisdom, more answers, more insight. I wish I knew how to be a strong enough person not to be influenced by the words and actions of others.
But I'm not.
I take way too much ownership in the happenings of the world and the people in my life. I am a "fixer". I want things to be a certain way and when they're not, I feel totally out of control.
But I am learning I have more control than I feel most of the time. My control starts with me and how I feel. If you are someone who brings positivity and faith into my life, then you are welcome. But if after interacting with you I feel nothing but doubt, self-loathing or regret, than my life is better off without you in it.
I want to be healthy, inside and out. And I am making that choice one day, one person, one relationship at a time.
With an eating disorder, I found this process much easier to deal with. As with most women I imagine, within their social group are people who obsess about their looks, their weight, their perception in the eyes of others. No matter how good they look or how small their waist, it's never enough. If I ever needed help staying true to my eating disorder, I had a core group of women I could call to hang out with. Listening to them criticize others and themselves made it easier to say no when I was feeling vulnerable and craving calories. Instead of helping me get healthy, no matter how many times I was in the hospital, these women helped to keep me sick. I didn't see it at the time, but once I realized the vicious cycle they were helping to perpetuate, I knew I had to end my relationships with them. Now, years later, I am stronger and healthier than I've ever been. This fact is in part because I am no longer surrounding myself with people whose constant messages of inadequacy fuel my body image issues. Does that mean that they are gone? No. But they are finally to a place where I feel that they are under control. And I know, if given half a chance, I could plunge myself right back to the bottom of the barrel and all of the work I've done would be in vain.
With self-injury triggers, this has proven to be more difficult. The more open I've been with my struggles, the more open others have been with theirs. I get asked over and over again what to do with friends who are so needy that it triggers self-destructive behavior within themselves? How can you help someone else when you yourself are in such desperate need of help? Is it possible for the blind to lead the blind? Yes. But where they end up remains to be seen.
As part of my therapy process, I had to do an inventory of the relationships in my life. I was asked to analyze them and break them into parts. What did I offer to the relationship? What was asked of me in the relationship? What did I get out of the relationship? What would my life be without the relationship? Was the relationship part of the solution or part of the problem?
More often than not, they were part of the problem.
I don't like conflict and tend to do what I can to make peace with others. As a result, I feel like a doormat most of the time. Am I assertive? Yes. But not as much as I would like and certainly not often as I should be.
It has been a difficult process to go through and re-evaluate who I allow into my life. Some people who are very dear to me, but not healthy, have had to go. Their needs were beyond my capabilities and I was left with a constant feeling of letting them down and feeling inadequate. They were great at receiving help but horrible at returning it. Their needs weren't the same as mine, and I could not continue the relationship in a healthy and supportive way, so it had to end.
Here is where I have made a stand for myself. I am no longer concerned with how people see me or if they understand what I'm trying to do. I have one life to live and cannot afford to throw away all of my hard work by exposing myself to people or situations that make me want to self-injure all over again.
There was an article on CNN.com that addressed the issue of needy friends a while back. I pass it on to you now as a way of offering some suggestions for how to handle these individuals. To try and take on the burdens of others is too great, especially when the burdens of your own life need to take precidence.
http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/02/20/lw.self.destructive.friends/index.html?iref=newssearch
I want to believe that as time passes and objectivity returns to people's lives, they will realize the difficulty of the road I'm walking and the importance of the decisions I'm making. For the first time in my life, I feel like I am looking out for my own best interests.
I wish I had more wisdom, more answers, more insight. I wish I knew how to be a strong enough person not to be influenced by the words and actions of others.
But I'm not.
I take way too much ownership in the happenings of the world and the people in my life. I am a "fixer". I want things to be a certain way and when they're not, I feel totally out of control.
But I am learning I have more control than I feel most of the time. My control starts with me and how I feel. If you are someone who brings positivity and faith into my life, then you are welcome. But if after interacting with you I feel nothing but doubt, self-loathing or regret, than my life is better off without you in it.
I want to be healthy, inside and out. And I am making that choice one day, one person, one relationship at a time.