Advice and Consequences
I hate it when you ask a person for their advice, and then if you don't take it, they get their feelings hurt and resent you for it. This happens in my life a lot. It seems that people in my life always feel at liberty to tell me "what they would do" and although a new perspective is always nice, advice should be one of those things that comes with no strings attached. Just because it isn't used doesn't mean the advice was horrible or that the friendship is on the rocks.
I look at advice like condiments: sometimes you salt and pepper your eggs, sometimes you don't. It doesn't mean if you don't that the salt or pepper are "bad", it just means the timing is off.
I lost a dear friend not too long ago over advice, only this time I wasn't the one asking, I was the one being asked. Because of the highly personal nature of the advice, I tried to get out of giving any for months. I felt like Switzerland, totally impartial. Of course, I had my opinion about the situation, but I made it a point not to say anything, knowing my friend may not appreciate what I had to say.
The time came when I could stay on the fence no longer; I had been asked repeatedly for my advice and finally I gave it to my friend, knowing it wasn't at all what she wanted to hear, but feeling like I wasn't a true friend if I didn't tell her the truth.
At first, she acted like my opinion and my advice were welcomed and she "appreciated my honesty". But in a matter of days, I knew this was lie.
When a week passed without her calling, I made the call and asked her what was up. "I can't believe you felt at liberty to say those horrible things to me." (What was horrible, I don't know. I had chosen my words especially carefully to avoid just this type of situation.) "What kind of friend could be THAT brutally honest?"
"A good one." I replied.
"Well, you really hurt my feelings." she said and hung up the phone.
I had two options. Call back and apologize when I wasn't really sorry for being the best friend I thought I could be, or do nothing and see if things would blow over.
A few days later, we spoke again. I decided my friend liked our relationship the best when she was in the power position and being asked for advice. Life had given me an "advice opportunity" for her and so I humbled myself and called to ask what I should do.
She had a couple of angles that were worth exploring in the situation and some others that the second I heard them I knew they weren't going to work. I thanked her for her help and hung up.
Several days later my friend called to ask me how I'd handled the situation. I told her what I'd done and made a point of telling her how I appreciated her suggestions.
"Well, it sounds like you didn't use hardly any of what I told you." she said.
"That's not true." I countered, "I considered all of what you said and then did what I thought was best. Some of the things were based on ideas I got from you."
"You shouldn't ask people for advice if you're just going to blow-off what they tell you."
And on and on it went.
I wish people understood that my life is indeed MY life. What may seem black and white to the outside world is a huge shade of gray for me most of the time. Advice is great, but I see it as a suggestion, not a mandate. My friend could not understand this, and after many years of banging our proverbial heads again the advice wall dilemma, the friendship fell away.
If you've given someone advice and they didn't take it, positive or negative, the other person will have to live with the consequences. Advice should be given when it is asked for, but realize the person asking for it may not really be ready to use it. It doesn't mean the advice was bad, just the timing or the venue.
Hurt feelings are no way to end a friendship, especially over something so inane. I regret that I wasn't able to appease my friend on this issue, because she really was a wonderful person most of the time.
But I am a good person too and a good friend, that's why I was as honest as I was. Telling someone what they want to hear so they won't get mad at you doesn't make you anything but someone who doesn't like confrontation.
I look at advice like condiments: sometimes you salt and pepper your eggs, sometimes you don't. It doesn't mean if you don't that the salt or pepper are "bad", it just means the timing is off.
I lost a dear friend not too long ago over advice, only this time I wasn't the one asking, I was the one being asked. Because of the highly personal nature of the advice, I tried to get out of giving any for months. I felt like Switzerland, totally impartial. Of course, I had my opinion about the situation, but I made it a point not to say anything, knowing my friend may not appreciate what I had to say.
The time came when I could stay on the fence no longer; I had been asked repeatedly for my advice and finally I gave it to my friend, knowing it wasn't at all what she wanted to hear, but feeling like I wasn't a true friend if I didn't tell her the truth.
At first, she acted like my opinion and my advice were welcomed and she "appreciated my honesty". But in a matter of days, I knew this was lie.
When a week passed without her calling, I made the call and asked her what was up. "I can't believe you felt at liberty to say those horrible things to me." (What was horrible, I don't know. I had chosen my words especially carefully to avoid just this type of situation.) "What kind of friend could be THAT brutally honest?"
"A good one." I replied.
"Well, you really hurt my feelings." she said and hung up the phone.
I had two options. Call back and apologize when I wasn't really sorry for being the best friend I thought I could be, or do nothing and see if things would blow over.
A few days later, we spoke again. I decided my friend liked our relationship the best when she was in the power position and being asked for advice. Life had given me an "advice opportunity" for her and so I humbled myself and called to ask what I should do.
She had a couple of angles that were worth exploring in the situation and some others that the second I heard them I knew they weren't going to work. I thanked her for her help and hung up.
Several days later my friend called to ask me how I'd handled the situation. I told her what I'd done and made a point of telling her how I appreciated her suggestions.
"Well, it sounds like you didn't use hardly any of what I told you." she said.
"That's not true." I countered, "I considered all of what you said and then did what I thought was best. Some of the things were based on ideas I got from you."
"You shouldn't ask people for advice if you're just going to blow-off what they tell you."
And on and on it went.
I wish people understood that my life is indeed MY life. What may seem black and white to the outside world is a huge shade of gray for me most of the time. Advice is great, but I see it as a suggestion, not a mandate. My friend could not understand this, and after many years of banging our proverbial heads again the advice wall dilemma, the friendship fell away.
If you've given someone advice and they didn't take it, positive or negative, the other person will have to live with the consequences. Advice should be given when it is asked for, but realize the person asking for it may not really be ready to use it. It doesn't mean the advice was bad, just the timing or the venue.
Hurt feelings are no way to end a friendship, especially over something so inane. I regret that I wasn't able to appease my friend on this issue, because she really was a wonderful person most of the time.
But I am a good person too and a good friend, that's why I was as honest as I was. Telling someone what they want to hear so they won't get mad at you doesn't make you anything but someone who doesn't like confrontation.