A Life Without Shame?
Shame is a learned behavior. When we are born, we are not ashamed or self-conscious. We learn to be and feel that way from others.
In elementary school, there were several things about me that contributed to my feeling shame. One, I was given shame-based messages at home. When my younger brothers were born, I had a hard time learning to share and often expressed my frustration to my mother. "Why would you say such a thing? You shouldn't feel that way. He's your brother!" I would walk away feeling totally invalidated and ashamed that I had my feelings. Why did I feel the way I did? Why couldn't I be a better daughter and sister?
At school, I was made fun of because of many things. One, my naturally curly hair wasn't something to be admired. It seemed like all of the girls around me had perfect "Marsha Brady" hair...smooth and perfect. Their hair was never in knots or had to be pulled back into braids. As an over-achiever, I was teacher's pet. I worked hard to be the best in my classes, but this too wasn't something to be admired according to my peers, and before I knew it, I was the subject of whispered discussions and stares in the hallways. I wasn't athletically inclined and was rarely picked for any team; often I was the last one chosen and ended up being a default team member.
My parents didn't allow me to do many of the things other kids did, and this was a mixed blessing. On the one hand, I was more sheltered than my peers and as a result, was rarely in trouble outside of home. But on the other, the idea that I could bring a friend over and play or ask to play at a friend's house without prior planning between our mothers was unheard of. It didn't take long for word to get out that I wasn't someone who should be bothered with an invitation, for anything, because my parents were "strict" and I wouldn't be able to go anyway.
I learned to keep to myself because it seemed that who I was, my feelings and the way I expressed myself just weren't acceptable.
I learned to feel shame and to second-guess everything I said and did as a small child, and this is a behavior I brought with me into adulthood. It has complicated my personal life in ways I cannot express.
Shame is such a pronounced part of my life that I really believed it was like that for everyone.
Not true.
I was talking to another teacher this week about a flight to Asia and how difficult it is for me to sit on a plane so long without moving around.
"Oh, I don't just sit there for 14 hours. I make it a point to get up every couple hours and do exercise in the aisle."
His remark was met with a blank stare.
"Don't people look at you?"
Laughter. "Sure, but do you think I care? I'm not a person that has shame, so I don't care what people think. I need to get up, so I get up. If it makes them uncomfortable or if they think it's weird, that's their problem."
I about fell out.
What a liberating concept!! What would it take for me not to care what others thought? What if I could do what made me happy without feeling bad about it? What if seeking others approval wasn't even on my radar?
In an ironic twist of fate, I happened to pick up a movie at Blockbuster last night. I'd seen it on the shelves for months but after picking it up several times, I'd always put it back for another selection. This time, I picked it up and checked it out.
"Peaceful Warrior" is the true story of a young man training to be an Olympic gymnast. He is in a horrible accident and has to overcome tremendous obstacles in order to compete again. He has a mentor at this time that helps him to see his full potential, regardless of how many others in his life have decided his career as a gymnast is over. It was one of the most inspiring movies I've ever seen.
One of the biggest messages in the movie is the idea that we hold ourselves back from our true potential because of mental "trash": worrying about the past, fretting about the future and missing out on the beauty of the moment. For so many of us, the things we feel shame about are rooted in events of the past. They cannot be changed, but we cannot seem to let them go.
I am on a constant quest to let shame go. I go through periods where I am able to do this quite well and then something will happen that will literally catapult me back into a sea of self-doubt and negative introspection.
Like a warrior, I feel like I am in training. But the battle I am preparing for, is a battle with myself.
Some people seek a life of material wealth. Others seek a life of worldly success.
I seek a life of inner peace. I want to get to a place where I have no regrets. Where I can look at my life and be happy with where I am, who I am with and what I have.
I seek a life without shame. No one can give that to me and that makes it all the more attainable.
There's a lot of power there if I can just find a way to corral it.
If I can do what I am feeling the way I do, imagine what I'll be able to do if I really can get to a place where shame is no longer an issue?
In elementary school, there were several things about me that contributed to my feeling shame. One, I was given shame-based messages at home. When my younger brothers were born, I had a hard time learning to share and often expressed my frustration to my mother. "Why would you say such a thing? You shouldn't feel that way. He's your brother!" I would walk away feeling totally invalidated and ashamed that I had my feelings. Why did I feel the way I did? Why couldn't I be a better daughter and sister?
At school, I was made fun of because of many things. One, my naturally curly hair wasn't something to be admired. It seemed like all of the girls around me had perfect "Marsha Brady" hair...smooth and perfect. Their hair was never in knots or had to be pulled back into braids. As an over-achiever, I was teacher's pet. I worked hard to be the best in my classes, but this too wasn't something to be admired according to my peers, and before I knew it, I was the subject of whispered discussions and stares in the hallways. I wasn't athletically inclined and was rarely picked for any team; often I was the last one chosen and ended up being a default team member.
My parents didn't allow me to do many of the things other kids did, and this was a mixed blessing. On the one hand, I was more sheltered than my peers and as a result, was rarely in trouble outside of home. But on the other, the idea that I could bring a friend over and play or ask to play at a friend's house without prior planning between our mothers was unheard of. It didn't take long for word to get out that I wasn't someone who should be bothered with an invitation, for anything, because my parents were "strict" and I wouldn't be able to go anyway.
I learned to keep to myself because it seemed that who I was, my feelings and the way I expressed myself just weren't acceptable.
I learned to feel shame and to second-guess everything I said and did as a small child, and this is a behavior I brought with me into adulthood. It has complicated my personal life in ways I cannot express.
Shame is such a pronounced part of my life that I really believed it was like that for everyone.
Not true.
I was talking to another teacher this week about a flight to Asia and how difficult it is for me to sit on a plane so long without moving around.
"Oh, I don't just sit there for 14 hours. I make it a point to get up every couple hours and do exercise in the aisle."
His remark was met with a blank stare.
"Don't people look at you?"
Laughter. "Sure, but do you think I care? I'm not a person that has shame, so I don't care what people think. I need to get up, so I get up. If it makes them uncomfortable or if they think it's weird, that's their problem."
I about fell out.
What a liberating concept!! What would it take for me not to care what others thought? What if I could do what made me happy without feeling bad about it? What if seeking others approval wasn't even on my radar?
In an ironic twist of fate, I happened to pick up a movie at Blockbuster last night. I'd seen it on the shelves for months but after picking it up several times, I'd always put it back for another selection. This time, I picked it up and checked it out.
"Peaceful Warrior" is the true story of a young man training to be an Olympic gymnast. He is in a horrible accident and has to overcome tremendous obstacles in order to compete again. He has a mentor at this time that helps him to see his full potential, regardless of how many others in his life have decided his career as a gymnast is over. It was one of the most inspiring movies I've ever seen.
One of the biggest messages in the movie is the idea that we hold ourselves back from our true potential because of mental "trash": worrying about the past, fretting about the future and missing out on the beauty of the moment. For so many of us, the things we feel shame about are rooted in events of the past. They cannot be changed, but we cannot seem to let them go.
I am on a constant quest to let shame go. I go through periods where I am able to do this quite well and then something will happen that will literally catapult me back into a sea of self-doubt and negative introspection.
Like a warrior, I feel like I am in training. But the battle I am preparing for, is a battle with myself.
Some people seek a life of material wealth. Others seek a life of worldly success.
I seek a life of inner peace. I want to get to a place where I have no regrets. Where I can look at my life and be happy with where I am, who I am with and what I have.
I seek a life without shame. No one can give that to me and that makes it all the more attainable.
There's a lot of power there if I can just find a way to corral it.
If I can do what I am feeling the way I do, imagine what I'll be able to do if I really can get to a place where shame is no longer an issue?