The Writing Is On The Wall
I am preparing to give a speech to a group of mental health professionals and educators in the next couple of weeks. I have been asked if I will allow for questions and I agreed. It seems that I am a bit of a curiosity these days. By being willing to stand up and speak about my self-injury, I am allowing others who are interested in preventing/treating it, an inside glimpse into the "mind of a cutter".
When I look back on my life, it shouldn't a surprise that I find myself in this place. The older I get, the clearer my perspective becomes, the more I seem to understand the complicated dynamics that clouded my parents relationship more than 20 years ago. For the first time in a long time, I am able to look at the past with adult eyes rather than those of a child. It seems funny to say that, as I have thought for many years that my eyes were clear, but in reality, the lingering feelings of anger, regret and remorse skewed my vision.
I want people to know that a person isn't born this way. There is a strong correlation between self-injury and environment. So what does that mean?
That means that although the propensity for self-injury may have always been there (genetics) the situations I was placed in as a child (nurture) brought these tendencies to the forefront. I believe the reality behind my eating disorder is equally true.
Parents are in an incredible power position. Everything they say and do has long-term consequences, positive and negative. As a child, my mind was filled with negative messages (by my father) and like a tape, those messages play over and over and over again in times of great stress or unpredictability. His is the voice I hear when I think I'm fat, starving, purging or cutting. His adult voice gave my insecure inner child and platform to stand on. I've never been able to forgive him for that.
My mother on the other hand was the nurturer. Encouraging, openly affectionate, hers is the voice I hear when the episode of self-punishment is over. Hers is the voice of reason, reassurance and reliability.
But how to reconcile the two?
As an adult, I have a choice about which messages I listen to. Although the negative messages are more powerful, I have tried to work hard over the last year to balance the two. It has been the fight of a lifetime because ultimately, what I am trying to do is save me from myself.
Parents need to realize the power of their words. With each negative and cutting remark, they are creating a wall of self-doubt and hate that builds over a lifetime. It is behind these walls that I learned how to hurt myself worse than my father ever could.
I am speaking out about my self-injury in the hopes that others who self-injure will realize they are not alone. I have spent a tremendous amount of my adult life trying to figure out why I am the way I am and this is what I have discovered.
For whatever reason, there are several genetic issues that manifested themselves in me. My brothers were raised in the same environment as I was, but they were not impacted in the same way or at the same level. I am predisposed to certain behaviors that my upbringing had little to do with. However, elements of my upbringing combined in such a way that these tendancies were brought out. In my case, there are components of both nature and nurture.
If you want some answers for yourself, look at your parents. Look at the relationship that they had with their parents and siblings. How do they deal with stress? How do they communicate? What messages do they tell themselves? This is the starting point for your own journey towards healing.
In the end, to continue my self-injury would be a choice. I can no longer blame my environment for something I now better understand and can control. I have made it almost 18 months now without self-injuring and it continues to be a daily fight.
But I cannot give up.
I am worth the fight. I am worth the positive messages that I work to send myself. I believe if I work hard enough, I can do this for another 18 months. But we are in this together. I am relying on others now to help me replace the messages that have been on my mental tapes for 36 years.
There was always a "record" function on those tapes, I just never realized it. Today, I have a new chance to rewind, go back and re-record something wonderful. I can't wait!
When I look back on my life, it shouldn't a surprise that I find myself in this place. The older I get, the clearer my perspective becomes, the more I seem to understand the complicated dynamics that clouded my parents relationship more than 20 years ago. For the first time in a long time, I am able to look at the past with adult eyes rather than those of a child. It seems funny to say that, as I have thought for many years that my eyes were clear, but in reality, the lingering feelings of anger, regret and remorse skewed my vision.
I want people to know that a person isn't born this way. There is a strong correlation between self-injury and environment. So what does that mean?
That means that although the propensity for self-injury may have always been there (genetics) the situations I was placed in as a child (nurture) brought these tendencies to the forefront. I believe the reality behind my eating disorder is equally true.
Parents are in an incredible power position. Everything they say and do has long-term consequences, positive and negative. As a child, my mind was filled with negative messages (by my father) and like a tape, those messages play over and over and over again in times of great stress or unpredictability. His is the voice I hear when I think I'm fat, starving, purging or cutting. His adult voice gave my insecure inner child and platform to stand on. I've never been able to forgive him for that.
My mother on the other hand was the nurturer. Encouraging, openly affectionate, hers is the voice I hear when the episode of self-punishment is over. Hers is the voice of reason, reassurance and reliability.
But how to reconcile the two?
As an adult, I have a choice about which messages I listen to. Although the negative messages are more powerful, I have tried to work hard over the last year to balance the two. It has been the fight of a lifetime because ultimately, what I am trying to do is save me from myself.
Parents need to realize the power of their words. With each negative and cutting remark, they are creating a wall of self-doubt and hate that builds over a lifetime. It is behind these walls that I learned how to hurt myself worse than my father ever could.
I am speaking out about my self-injury in the hopes that others who self-injure will realize they are not alone. I have spent a tremendous amount of my adult life trying to figure out why I am the way I am and this is what I have discovered.
For whatever reason, there are several genetic issues that manifested themselves in me. My brothers were raised in the same environment as I was, but they were not impacted in the same way or at the same level. I am predisposed to certain behaviors that my upbringing had little to do with. However, elements of my upbringing combined in such a way that these tendancies were brought out. In my case, there are components of both nature and nurture.
If you want some answers for yourself, look at your parents. Look at the relationship that they had with their parents and siblings. How do they deal with stress? How do they communicate? What messages do they tell themselves? This is the starting point for your own journey towards healing.
In the end, to continue my self-injury would be a choice. I can no longer blame my environment for something I now better understand and can control. I have made it almost 18 months now without self-injuring and it continues to be a daily fight.
But I cannot give up.
I am worth the fight. I am worth the positive messages that I work to send myself. I believe if I work hard enough, I can do this for another 18 months. But we are in this together. I am relying on others now to help me replace the messages that have been on my mental tapes for 36 years.
There was always a "record" function on those tapes, I just never realized it. Today, I have a new chance to rewind, go back and re-record something wonderful. I can't wait!