I love you...no, I hate you...wait, I'm confused!
One of my "friends" continues to bring up a mistake that I made about a year ago (long BEFORE I ever knew him!). I have admitted that mistake, apologized profusely for it and worked very hard to make amends. In my mind, I have done all that I can to right that wrong.
But my "friend" has other ideas. He believes that by continuing to bring it up, he is in some way punishing me. At one time, his venomous comments and biting remarks would have been instant triggers and my body would have suffered in a way my soul no longer could.
But because I have been injury free for a year now, I cannot allow myself to go back to old behaviors. This has been the hardest struggle of all.
My "friend" has a cache of knives and screwdrivers and hammers that he keeps around as part of his job. I cannot tell you how many times I have held these things in the palms of my hand...felt their weight against my fingers...pressed them up against old scars and then forced myself to push them away. To use them now would be a huge step backwards.
But the more I am around my "friend" the lower my self-esteem becomes. "I love you", he says. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
I am not sure I feel the same way. If I were to spend the rest of my life with him, I fear I might die. (Not by his hands, my own). In fact, as I write this, I realize how emotionally dead I am already.
I understand now how people can stay in abusive relationships. My "friend" treats me better than anyone else have ever (most of the time), but at other times, he treats me worse than I ever imagined I could deserve. How is it possible to love and hate someone at the same time?
It seems like this is a question that continues to present itself in my life. I asked myself this question growing up with my father, and over and over again for 16 years while I was with my ex-husband. Why is it that I cannot find someone who will build me up and help me to celebrate all the good things in my life rather than tear me down?
I cannot cry over this anymore. I know I must dump my "friend", and soon, if I am to re-claim my life and my happiness. But I fear never finding anyone else who will show me so much attention and concern.
The reality is, this attention and concern is coming at a price I can no longer afford to pay.
It bothers me that I am stupid enough sometimes to believe that love is forever. I used to think that I would find that magic someone who would help me through the darkness. Instead, I continue to find people who want to show me just how dark life can be.
Know that I continue to struggle. Some days I feel like I have everything under control, and then there are other days, like today, when I have been reminded, over and over and over again that I am not perfect.
I will remain strong. I think my resolve is being tested and that's okay. Tomorrow is a new day filled with new choices. I hope to make better ones and find myself in a position where I can move forward healthily and happily.
But my "friend" has other ideas. He believes that by continuing to bring it up, he is in some way punishing me. At one time, his venomous comments and biting remarks would have been instant triggers and my body would have suffered in a way my soul no longer could.
But because I have been injury free for a year now, I cannot allow myself to go back to old behaviors. This has been the hardest struggle of all.
My "friend" has a cache of knives and screwdrivers and hammers that he keeps around as part of his job. I cannot tell you how many times I have held these things in the palms of my hand...felt their weight against my fingers...pressed them up against old scars and then forced myself to push them away. To use them now would be a huge step backwards.
But the more I am around my "friend" the lower my self-esteem becomes. "I love you", he says. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
I am not sure I feel the same way. If I were to spend the rest of my life with him, I fear I might die. (Not by his hands, my own). In fact, as I write this, I realize how emotionally dead I am already.
I understand now how people can stay in abusive relationships. My "friend" treats me better than anyone else have ever (most of the time), but at other times, he treats me worse than I ever imagined I could deserve. How is it possible to love and hate someone at the same time?
It seems like this is a question that continues to present itself in my life. I asked myself this question growing up with my father, and over and over again for 16 years while I was with my ex-husband. Why is it that I cannot find someone who will build me up and help me to celebrate all the good things in my life rather than tear me down?
I cannot cry over this anymore. I know I must dump my "friend", and soon, if I am to re-claim my life and my happiness. But I fear never finding anyone else who will show me so much attention and concern.
The reality is, this attention and concern is coming at a price I can no longer afford to pay.
It bothers me that I am stupid enough sometimes to believe that love is forever. I used to think that I would find that magic someone who would help me through the darkness. Instead, I continue to find people who want to show me just how dark life can be.
Know that I continue to struggle. Some days I feel like I have everything under control, and then there are other days, like today, when I have been reminded, over and over and over again that I am not perfect.
I will remain strong. I think my resolve is being tested and that's okay. Tomorrow is a new day filled with new choices. I hope to make better ones and find myself in a position where I can move forward healthily and happily.