(no subject)
Well, I s'pose I should start by saying that I'm mentally and emotionally, if not physically, in an infinitely better place than I've been in the past couple of weeks.
I just finished my PSAT this morning. I've gotten taking these things down to a science so it wasn't particularly awful. On the Kaplan one I raised my score by 130 from the first I took (MINUS 20 from math, but plus 80 in reading, and 70 in writing). If I do that again on the SAT this (April? May?) I'll be fine for applications to Bard, which is basically where I want/need to be.
After that I went out for Japanese with Erica, Paul, and Christina. I've gotten to thinking how eclectic my friend choices are. I never really could settle down with just one "group" of friends. I mean, I know the entire spectrum of the people in our area, from ghetto black, to theater fag, to anime nerds, to six foot tall lesbians. Somehow though, I still don't feel entirely comfortable with any of them. Not that I'm really conscience of any of it while I'm with them, it's just that I've kept one friend for my entire life (Ana), and two friends since the end of my freshman year (Lizm and Zac), and that was less than 18 months ago. I guess I'm not afforded that same comfort that's gotten from knowing someone all through middle school, and knowing all their stupid secrets from that time.
Can I throw this all off to the fact that I was too sick to even attend middle school? That's be convenient, and it's certainly a factor, but I don't think it's really the main one. I'm not sure I can explain what that main one really is. I have some abstract concept in my head, but no idea how to articulate it in a way that makes sense and doesn't seem so erratic. For all my charisma (and I don't say that to be egotisitcal), I really do have odd personal relations, and remain way too manipulative for my own good.
Also, my brother ships out in Monday, leaving my house in an odd mood indeed. For those of you who don't know, my brother enlisted in the navy almost a year ago. He moved his ship date back once, and it was moved again for his court date. Now yeah, it makes no sense in my family. He didn't want to go to college, so he goes and gets an ear tuck and signs up. I s'pose it makes about as much sense as everything else in my family. I really don't have any feelings about it to share. I don't love my brother, but we are family. Throughout all my cynicism, and the fact that with only a few notable exceptions he's treated me like complete shit for the past deacdee, I really do believe that's worth something. I'm not sure what, but it's there.
I went out last night with Zac, and nothing that I feared would happen did (yeah, hopelessly vague I know). Throughout all my exasperation with him, I have known him since I was nine with him stealing my pencils, and we've been good friends with him since he was in the seventh grade. We were downtown last night and saw these two kids that could've been us eight years ago. One was dark haired, older and taller (even though Zac's my height now), and was basically wearing my outfit. The other apparently looked like a carbon copy of seven year old Zac (I can't really remember how Zac looked at all then... it was half my life ago). Point being, it was amusing. We argued over whether or not they yet knew that they were gay. T'was cute. And no fag hags, I'm not about to start dating Zac.
On a somewhat less cheerful note, I need to start taking better care of myself physically. I mean, today after the PSAT, Britney commented that I looked like a drug addict. Lots of people have been saying that in one form or another (vampiric or the euphemisum "tired")and I don't even take it as an insult... it's true. I'm starting to become deathly pale again, way too skinny (125 at 5'11, down from 132), my face is rather gaunt, and I have these permanent dark circles under my eyes that expose the fact that I'm hopelessly tired all of the time. I've yet to be tired, but if you care to remember all of sophmore year the running joke was that I had jauntis. I need to start eating with more regularity. Basically my mindset at home is that if it's not healthy (and by healthy I most certainly DON'T mean diet) I don't eat it. In trying to take care of my body, I might just be doing it more harm than good. I need to get an appetite again. Oh well, I'm off to Whole Foods after this, so we'll see.
And just to go along with how vauge this entry is, Austin you're amazing. Never change. You've restored my sanity this week.
Someone actually got through to read this far? Awesome,
Edward
I just finished my PSAT this morning. I've gotten taking these things down to a science so it wasn't particularly awful. On the Kaplan one I raised my score by 130 from the first I took (MINUS 20 from math, but plus 80 in reading, and 70 in writing). If I do that again on the SAT this (April? May?) I'll be fine for applications to Bard, which is basically where I want/need to be.
After that I went out for Japanese with Erica, Paul, and Christina. I've gotten to thinking how eclectic my friend choices are. I never really could settle down with just one "group" of friends. I mean, I know the entire spectrum of the people in our area, from ghetto black, to theater fag, to anime nerds, to six foot tall lesbians. Somehow though, I still don't feel entirely comfortable with any of them. Not that I'm really conscience of any of it while I'm with them, it's just that I've kept one friend for my entire life (Ana), and two friends since the end of my freshman year (Lizm and Zac), and that was less than 18 months ago. I guess I'm not afforded that same comfort that's gotten from knowing someone all through middle school, and knowing all their stupid secrets from that time.
Can I throw this all off to the fact that I was too sick to even attend middle school? That's be convenient, and it's certainly a factor, but I don't think it's really the main one. I'm not sure I can explain what that main one really is. I have some abstract concept in my head, but no idea how to articulate it in a way that makes sense and doesn't seem so erratic. For all my charisma (and I don't say that to be egotisitcal), I really do have odd personal relations, and remain way too manipulative for my own good.
Also, my brother ships out in Monday, leaving my house in an odd mood indeed. For those of you who don't know, my brother enlisted in the navy almost a year ago. He moved his ship date back once, and it was moved again for his court date. Now yeah, it makes no sense in my family. He didn't want to go to college, so he goes and gets an ear tuck and signs up. I s'pose it makes about as much sense as everything else in my family. I really don't have any feelings about it to share. I don't love my brother, but we are family. Throughout all my cynicism, and the fact that with only a few notable exceptions he's treated me like complete shit for the past deacdee, I really do believe that's worth something. I'm not sure what, but it's there.
I went out last night with Zac, and nothing that I feared would happen did (yeah, hopelessly vague I know). Throughout all my exasperation with him, I have known him since I was nine with him stealing my pencils, and we've been good friends with him since he was in the seventh grade. We were downtown last night and saw these two kids that could've been us eight years ago. One was dark haired, older and taller (even though Zac's my height now), and was basically wearing my outfit. The other apparently looked like a carbon copy of seven year old Zac (I can't really remember how Zac looked at all then... it was half my life ago). Point being, it was amusing. We argued over whether or not they yet knew that they were gay. T'was cute. And no fag hags, I'm not about to start dating Zac.
On a somewhat less cheerful note, I need to start taking better care of myself physically. I mean, today after the PSAT, Britney commented that I looked like a drug addict. Lots of people have been saying that in one form or another (vampiric or the euphemisum "tired")and I don't even take it as an insult... it's true. I'm starting to become deathly pale again, way too skinny (125 at 5'11, down from 132), my face is rather gaunt, and I have these permanent dark circles under my eyes that expose the fact that I'm hopelessly tired all of the time. I've yet to be tired, but if you care to remember all of sophmore year the running joke was that I had jauntis. I need to start eating with more regularity. Basically my mindset at home is that if it's not healthy (and by healthy I most certainly DON'T mean diet) I don't eat it. In trying to take care of my body, I might just be doing it more harm than good. I need to get an appetite again. Oh well, I'm off to Whole Foods after this, so we'll see.
And just to go along with how vauge this entry is, Austin you're amazing. Never change. You've restored my sanity this week.
Someone actually got through to read this far? Awesome,
Edward