what do i really want?
i feel so numb/cold inside right now... it may be the post roll from earlier this week with j, it may be the lack of sun and warmth that i was so loving in cali, could be the fact that i am about to start bleeding which always makes me emotional, it may be that i am unsure what i really want from j, i get these lovey dovey looks from her but im not sure i want to return them, i know my heart lays elsewhere, i saw that this trip to cali... but where it lays is an unsafe place that i can not return to... but somewhere deep down i want to, i just cant do it. coming back to mn i realized how unhappy i really am here, and how bad i really did/do miss cali. its not even the people i surround myself with out there, its just the lifestyle, how laidback it is, how... home i feel when im out there. the ocean is calling to me, i can feel the pull of the mountians trying to bring me back. i miss the roadtrips every weekend to somewhere far away, where the hell am i going to go here in mn?! i already live where everyone takes roadtrips to around here. i have a few trips planned for the summer but that so far off... i know im going to lalapoolaza in chi, and possibly hopefully if cash allows to san fran for pride. but thats so long from now. i need to figure shit out, j, money, jobs,when im moving back where i will move to, (most likely ventura) blah! atleast i have sunday to look forward to, finishing off the E with sarah, j, and jacki should be fun :)