transparency.
I really cannot wait for Christmas holidays now, things here are getting quite tiresome and i need a break. It's going to be so weird to be around Tim full time again, nothing has really been resolved and neither of us has really accepted it as far as i can tell, we are both burying our heads in the sand and pretending nothing is going on. It still hurts really badly and i haven't really sorted anything out in my head. Everyone insists i should go out on the pull and it will make it all feel better but its the last thing i want...i just want to curl up in a ball and for it all to go away. I have no one here to talk to anymore, the one person i did used to talk to has gone and turned into someone i'm not sure i want to know, i know i am being a bitch about things, but when someone does something i don't approve of i find it hard to deal with.She thinks it's only her involved, she doesn't seem to have any understandiong of the other people involved and she seems to be a lot more self centred than i first thought. I used to think she was different.
I can't get his words out of my head it's like they are just echoing around inside there and i just want to shut it all up for 2 minutes of peace. I feel like i'm going crazy and i can't get it to stop. I just want it all to shut up, i want to think clearly and not have this overwhelming urge to do something stupid...what do you do when you don't think there's anyone to stop you anymore? I miss him and i know going back to him wouldn't be for the best but i don't know that i can live like this anymore, i just feel like the walls are caving in and i can't hold it all together anymore. I am slowly losing everything that has ever mattered to me....and i don't feel like myself, i feel like when he left me he took away my soul and everything that ever made me feel good. I go through each day completely numb to everything faking it all the way. Why does nobody see through?