Trying to think of anything without "Cathy" in it is hard... oops... too late?

Oct 03, 2004 13:41

Yum, stress! :) The breakfast of champions.

Let's see what I need to do:

* Prepare for college
* Prepare for college
* Prepare for college
* Do my Part 1 application as soon as possible...
* Study for SAT
* Write my college essay
* Learn how to dance before homecoming

Now let's examine what I am doing:
* Trying to find Dagon Fel in Morrowind
* Wondering why I got bored of Kingdom Hearts ... probably because I was playing it non-stop?
* Thinking about what I need to do for long periods of time... in essence... procrastinating
* Studying Japanese

Oh... god... I can't take it. I'm not made for this type of stress... did I write about this before? Perhaps I have. Anyways... I think that humans weren't meant to be stressed out like this, always with some goal in mind. And that's why half our country is in depression right now. I don't want to be misconstrewed as some guy that just wants to make an excuse to do work. I'm not lazy. When I'm commited to something... I do it. But ... I think that I'd rather be happy doing what I want. Mr. Redmond really inspired me with all his "obligation to your country" stuff. I may not like this place, in fact, I'd rather be a lot of places. But... I want to start doing more community service ... and trying to form movements to actually change stuff. It'd be something to do... but...

I don't know. This doesn't seem fun. Everyday, I want to wake up on a beach, mill around the area, listening to the ocean. I want to live in the woods, and smell that foresty smell, watch the sharpness of the color as you look through the hues of green and brown in the trees to see the blue that illuminates the edges of the leaves... and past the blue... just... whatever. I don't like how in this world, I can't just do whatever I want. Am I... wrong? Should I be willing to make sacrfices in order to live in a nice big house? To buy shit I don't really want, but I feel I need because of some flashy advertisement? I really don't need this Playstation 2 do I ... because Playstation 3 will just come out next year or something... then in the next two years Playstation 4. I don't want to do work in the job sense... maybe work to build a house out in the woods randomly? Or make a nest? I think that would be cozy.. I can picture it now. It has... a birds nest type pad it's about... 6 feet in diameter... with four bamboo posts... and this conical leaf spread that covers it... I like it? I wonder what Cathy would think... living in a nest... maybe hunting together... or growing fruits and vegetables... she could be the hunter, out killing bears, I could be gardening next to our little nest. Maybe I'll grow squash. I've never eaten squash. What a strange name for a vegetable. I would think people would name vegetables and fruits with delicious sounding names. Maybe it's name reflects it's taste? Doesn't sound very tasty to me... maybe we'll skip the squash.

Skip that squash, skip that squash...
Skip that squash, motherfucker, skip that squash.

Hm... well... I guess I'll just have to deal with this stressful society. What am I going to do, beg Cathy to get her Ph.D. with me in Cornell, then run into the wilderness, build a nest, and grow squash? Just seems so unrealistic... to be truly happy... I think I'd have fun though... with a big, crowded city type setting... except ... something not so noisy... I have this fantasy about living in the Slum ... sector 7 or whatever... from Final Fantasy 7. I like ... everything feels so... close together... communal... cozy... triple C's. I have images of what I want run through my head. I don't want to walk on the ground... everything needs to be high-rise.. walking along a group of apartment doors in the night. Seeing the illuminating glow of a vending machine. I can picture nights back in Japan... except... with less... noise. Maybe I'll find it one day? Find the specific spot I'm thinking about. Or maybe I'll make it. I'll become an architect-gardner-psychologist. I could draw doodles of amazing houses while watering my geraniums and psycho-analyzing my pet.

Ha...in the end... I'm really just wasting time right now. I think I'll... um... do something... probably end up with Morrowind... but at least it's something.
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