Tell me what you think
Well today was a somewhat interesting day. The day went well for the most part until about 20 min ago. its 12.33am and everybody is asleep so what on earth could be the issue...... you ask. Well I'm on line paying my bills and I first realize that I have much more money than I though so that made me happy. But then i go to pay my sprint bill and that was not bad. But I do something stupid really stupid I look up my invoices from past months and I look up the detailed ones which show the incoming and outgoing calls. So I decide to start my search from June 20th - to October 20th. I should not have done that because I was looking at the progression of a relationship and the death of a relationship in phone calls. It brought back memories that took a long time to suppress and now have come up again. The day we first went out was recorded in time by the call I made to tell her I was going to be a few minutes late. The day we first kissed when later she called and spoke on the phone for 2.5 hours like little kids. The day we fought and the call only lasted 1 min. The random calls in-between of hi's and "I Love Yous" then I saw how the calls became less frequent. I never realized how much we called each other. Just to talk about the same things that we have already talked about but every time it was brought up we both listened like it was our first time hearing it and when we asked question so she or I would explain it in detail. The as I scrolled down the pages in my head I saw the line graph of a perpetual spike down, like in a movie when they want to show how a business is doing bad and an executive comes in with a poster-board with this graph of red ink that looks like a check. Instead in this movie there was no pep-talk and no advice on how to improve sales. The only thing that I could do was try and forget how much I hurt. Here the quote is relevant I think "we accept the love we think we deserve". How true this is, how I knew I deserved the best and I was given the best but then the complications of life impeded and we were not mean to be. How is it that when I was growing up and my grandmother would sing me the ditty "sticks and stones will break your bones but words will never hurt you." Ohhh grandma up in heaven if only that were true only if that were true. The words of "I can't be with you" are more painful that anything. The weight of each letter is more than a bolder and when they trip off of the tough they fall and break the bones that construct your soul.
You know its interesting how the replay of an incident of emotional pain feels like it is happening all over again like it is happening in real time and it is not a artifact of time but proceeding in time again as you breath and blink. The two of use were sitting alone and she was holding my had in her lap as we talked and I can still feel the smoothness of her fingers against the roughness of my hand and I asked her to explain her hands to me. She looked at them and said
Amber: "I have what you would call piano hands smooth, delicate, warm"
Me: "Really let me analyze them for a second opinion"
Amber: "Go ahead"
So I looked at them and I searched them over with my eyes and saw only the smoothness of them and how they were just as she explained them but I saw them as "strong" a noun she left out. I said nothing just though that in my head.
Me: " O.K so now explain my hands"
Amber grabbed my had and flipped them over and examined them with her finger tips and looked at me and said
Amber: "My love your hands are strong like they could hold on to me forever and delicate like the violin you play, firm and meaty like your thought process and beautiful like you"
To most this little vinet may seem trivial and just rhetoric but these are words that have been embossed in my brain and cannot leave. I look at my hands and wonder if they are still the same and if another will see them as she did. I always though my hands were strong and could hold on to love [our love] but it slipped out of my grasp and I question their strength.
????? Ohhh they look like big strong hands don't they, that is what I always though they use to be until the nothing came.......... they look like big strong hands don't they??????
You know its interesting how the replay of an incident of emotional pain feels like it is happening all over again like it is happening in real time and it is not a artifact of time but proceeding in time again as you breath and blink. The two of use were sitting alone and she was holding my had in her lap as we talked and I can still feel the smoothness of her fingers against the roughness of my hand and I asked her to explain her hands to me. She looked at them and said
Amber: "I have what you would call piano hands smooth, delicate, warm"
Me: "Really let me analyze them for a second opinion"
Amber: "Go ahead"
So I looked at them and I searched them over with my eyes and saw only the smoothness of them and how they were just as she explained them but I saw them as "strong" a noun she left out. I said nothing just though that in my head.
Me: " O.K so now explain my hands"
Amber grabbed my had and flipped them over and examined them with her finger tips and looked at me and said
Amber: "My love your hands are strong like they could hold on to me forever and delicate like the violin you play, firm and meaty like your thought process and beautiful like you"
To most this little vinet may seem trivial and just rhetoric but these are words that have been embossed in my brain and cannot leave. I look at my hands and wonder if they are still the same and if another will see them as she did. I always though my hands were strong and could hold on to love [our love] but it slipped out of my grasp and I question their strength.
????? Ohhh they look like big strong hands don't they, that is what I always though they use to be until the nothing came.......... they look like big strong hands don't they??????