what's new and what's painful
ok....I don't remember the last time I updated this. I don't even know what my last entry was, but I, on a whim, decided to check my old email and angie apparently noticed I had not updated and for her to care enough to inform me of it was enough for me to get back and go through password after password to get logged in and post.
A lot has changed in my life. Some good, some bad, some ugly....some sad. Right now I'm dating an amazing girl named Christy Rogers. She will be 23 on Monday the 6th! So far we've gone extremely slow because I told her I can't go fast, I haven't had a girlfriend in years and I'm just not sure of what is in store for us....she's very understanding. We're a lot alike, but she's got a lot more patience and she's just....she's wonderful. She listens to me and talks to me and things are good between us.
oh....she's short too!
so right now I guess there isn't really a whole lot going on...I made a B on my Midterm in Ballroom Dancing...I have practice on Sunday at 2. It ought to be fun as usual. The people in my class are very cool, we get along well.....we all have a mutual dislike for Melissa who is a snotty bitch who thinks she knows everything about Ballroom and shit when she's just as new to it as we are. Grrrr.....she makes me so mad when she can pin down a pattern quick as lightning....so when she asks for help we're all like gasping in amazement I'm serious.
I've realized that a lot of people think they know what is best for me. They don't. I am the only one who can come to grips with things in my life and only I can determine what it is I want and you know what......that's just how it is. My parents and I are getting along better, but it still sucks. I'm working for them again and I hate it, but I can't seem to keep a job down and enjoy it......so here I am again at square one kicking myself.
I've been really depressed lately and I've hid it from the world. It's nobodys God Damn Buisness what's going through my head, yes, but why is it that nobody notices anything! I just want someone other than Nick and Christy to notice me....seriously. I want to be loved....and Nick Loves me, but why can't I be loved by someone that's actually good for me and that can take care of me the way I deserve to be taken care of? Why won't someone step up to the plate, sweep me off my feet, and not be a fucking loser??? Someone with a job, a consistant one, who doesn't live with their parents.....(christy does not live with her parents by the way).....someone who will last like Nick has but .... I don't know, sometimes I think maybe I was ment for him. Maybe that's why I'm crying now....wishing that we could be in a relationship and not fight.....we always fight constantly, and I just...I love him so much and my heart is so broken and my soul screams for him and my mind races with excitement at the thought of him and my heart beats wildly every time I look in his eyes and I just cant help how pathetic it is that I totally love him and yet I broke up with him because of the fights.....I can't fight anymore I just want him to hold me and tell me he loves me and not fight about stupid petty shit all the time and its taking everything I am not to run back and beg him to take me back. we're "just friends" right now but I want to kiss those soft lips again. I want to hold those hands again and all that and Christy knows all this and she's understanding of what I'm going through and the three of us hang out now and talk for hours about how we feel but I can't tell him.....I can't. I want to so bad, but everyone hates him.....everyone but me....why can't he just be liked by people.......do I really have to push everyone else aside? I don't want to do that. I want things to be okay. I want my parents to like him. I want mama carol and angie to like him and I know these people that matter so much will never like him and that pains me so much because I want him.....and I need him....but I'm trying so hard not to. I'm doing all that I can not to....and it hurts.
no one cares how I feel......not if it has to do with him. They fucking ignore me or treat me like shit, or don't call me ever, don't write me ever, don't even think my name and when it's convenent for them they bitch that I don't keep contat....WHAT ABOUT ME? why can't someone else call me for once instead of me having to hunt everyone down? why can't someone check on me to see if I'm still breathing? What the fuck is everyone's problem.....quit being selfish....if you fucking care about me....then accept me .... all of me...not just the me that becomes single....or the me that goes out of my way to call or see you....if you loved me....you'd try harder to show me. If you loved me....you wouldn't care who I was with, but love me for all of who I am.
I need professional help.
The downward spiral begins again.
A lot has changed in my life. Some good, some bad, some ugly....some sad. Right now I'm dating an amazing girl named Christy Rogers. She will be 23 on Monday the 6th! So far we've gone extremely slow because I told her I can't go fast, I haven't had a girlfriend in years and I'm just not sure of what is in store for us....she's very understanding. We're a lot alike, but she's got a lot more patience and she's just....she's wonderful. She listens to me and talks to me and things are good between us.
oh....she's short too!
so right now I guess there isn't really a whole lot going on...I made a B on my Midterm in Ballroom Dancing...I have practice on Sunday at 2. It ought to be fun as usual. The people in my class are very cool, we get along well.....we all have a mutual dislike for Melissa who is a snotty bitch who thinks she knows everything about Ballroom and shit when she's just as new to it as we are. Grrrr.....she makes me so mad when she can pin down a pattern quick as lightning....so when she asks for help we're all like gasping in amazement I'm serious.
I've realized that a lot of people think they know what is best for me. They don't. I am the only one who can come to grips with things in my life and only I can determine what it is I want and you know what......that's just how it is. My parents and I are getting along better, but it still sucks. I'm working for them again and I hate it, but I can't seem to keep a job down and enjoy it......so here I am again at square one kicking myself.
I've been really depressed lately and I've hid it from the world. It's nobodys God Damn Buisness what's going through my head, yes, but why is it that nobody notices anything! I just want someone other than Nick and Christy to notice me....seriously. I want to be loved....and Nick Loves me, but why can't I be loved by someone that's actually good for me and that can take care of me the way I deserve to be taken care of? Why won't someone step up to the plate, sweep me off my feet, and not be a fucking loser??? Someone with a job, a consistant one, who doesn't live with their parents.....(christy does not live with her parents by the way).....someone who will last like Nick has but .... I don't know, sometimes I think maybe I was ment for him. Maybe that's why I'm crying now....wishing that we could be in a relationship and not fight.....we always fight constantly, and I just...I love him so much and my heart is so broken and my soul screams for him and my mind races with excitement at the thought of him and my heart beats wildly every time I look in his eyes and I just cant help how pathetic it is that I totally love him and yet I broke up with him because of the fights.....I can't fight anymore I just want him to hold me and tell me he loves me and not fight about stupid petty shit all the time and its taking everything I am not to run back and beg him to take me back. we're "just friends" right now but I want to kiss those soft lips again. I want to hold those hands again and all that and Christy knows all this and she's understanding of what I'm going through and the three of us hang out now and talk for hours about how we feel but I can't tell him.....I can't. I want to so bad, but everyone hates him.....everyone but me....why can't he just be liked by people.......do I really have to push everyone else aside? I don't want to do that. I want things to be okay. I want my parents to like him. I want mama carol and angie to like him and I know these people that matter so much will never like him and that pains me so much because I want him.....and I need him....but I'm trying so hard not to. I'm doing all that I can not to....and it hurts.
no one cares how I feel......not if it has to do with him. They fucking ignore me or treat me like shit, or don't call me ever, don't write me ever, don't even think my name and when it's convenent for them they bitch that I don't keep contat....WHAT ABOUT ME? why can't someone else call me for once instead of me having to hunt everyone down? why can't someone check on me to see if I'm still breathing? What the fuck is everyone's problem.....quit being selfish....if you fucking care about me....then accept me .... all of me...not just the me that becomes single....or the me that goes out of my way to call or see you....if you loved me....you'd try harder to show me. If you loved me....you wouldn't care who I was with, but love me for all of who I am.
I need professional help.
The downward spiral begins again.