Update
I haven't used LiveJournal for an entry in a very long time but since this is a bit too long for Twitter, I'll just leave this here- many of you have noticed that I've been depressed (again) recently, and that I'm avoiding social gatherings. Well, the biggest reason is that I have zero self-esteem because I have a medical condition called gynecomastia. If you don't know what it is, you can look it up, but suffice it to say, it's male breast growth. Many of you may argue that "I haven't noticed that on you", I sent pictures to the doctor on Friday and he replied back to me saying that he agreed that I definitely do have a case of it. It has gradually gotten worse over the 4 or so months when I started P90X and then floundered about doing some other exercises since I got so fatigued during the day I couldn't do anything for a few weeks at a time (and this happened twice). I can only assume that because I put on a little bit of chest muscle, it only pushed them out further, and this is on top of what I suspect is another issue. Here's my symptoms:
1. Inability to lose weight. I have a goal of 10% bodyfat that I want to reach, and this is a completely realistic goal. In fact, doing the math, and having done the part for a good 4 months, it's actually not hard at all - 1800-2000 calories a day plus working out 5x a week with intense cardio and/or resistance training is not hard to me at all - I actually kind of enjoyed it. It made me excited to go into work, because I was thinking about that workout and that I was working towards a goal of a six pack and looking really good. However, in the 4-5 months I've busted ass and done everything right (and having spoken to a nutritionist to get their professional opinion on how much I should be eating/working out/resting), and trying varying levels of calories (1500, 1800, 2000, and 2400) - nothing ever worked. In fact, in that time frame, I gained 4 pounds, and 3% bodyfat. And trust me, I did not gain 4 pounds of muscle, that's a shitload of muscle and takes a long time to put on - plus, P90X is *NOT NOT NOT* a bulking program - you can build a small amount of muscle on it but it uses high reps and is essentially a cardio circuit program, you just don't build 4 pounds of muscle in 4 months on it, so I know that isn't it. Plus, my bodyfat went up, despite doing everything correctly, and I watched this stuff like a hawk during the week.
2. Fatigue. It's not every day, but there are many days when I'm so tired I could just fall asleep at the keyboard. This is despite taking multivitamins, having good nutrition, having no vitamin or mineral shortage in my body, and getting 8-9 hours of sleep at night. Occasionally I have had insomnia but this did not affect how I felt. I get really good quality of sleep right now and I am STILL tired.
3. Gynecomastia - mentioned above.
4. Depressed mood and increased/easy irritability. I wasn't always the way I am today, honest. The past year, and even the past 4 months, my mood can be instantly snapped like a twig and I'm depressed for days. And some days, I'm just depressed when nothing happens at all to prompt it.
5. Lower libido. To be honest my libido was rather high a year or two ago. I wouldn't have called myself sex-obsessed, but close, sure. Now I force myself to be interested and I can still have sex and enjoy it, but the desire for it is much much lower to the point that many days I don't think about it at all (and trust me, for me that's abnormal).
6. Lack of focus. It's hard for me to work on anything (especially music) for more than 15 minutes. I just get irritated and/or bored and have to stop and do something mindless.
When you put all these symptoms together, I finally feel like I have a cause - low testosterone. I am getting the levels checked tomorrow. However, I strongly feel that whatever is found will be within the normal ranges, as the normal range for a testosterone test is 400-1200 (or 200 in some cases) ng/dl, which is a huge range that is easy to fall into, but even if I did, I still don't think it's normal for my body. Something just feels *off* and I can just tell something is out of whack. I know I'm not really this crazy but all these problems compounding on one another have really helped to just make me distraught. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of my body that I don't really want to go out in public or see my friends.
Please do NOT tell me, "Oh, you look fine," or "but you're super thin" - 20% body fat isn't thin, and a 25 BMI is right on the borderline between normal and overweight, so while I appreciate the fact you might think I'm thin, scientifically speaking, I'm not, and please don't badger me for wanting to better myself. If I can achieve a realistic goal for something I want, I'm going to work until I get it. Having a goal to work towards when working out keeps me motivated and keeps me going down to the gym. If I was working out for "maintenance", I don't think I'd go or try as hard as I do, nor would I really enjoy it, which would be disastrous.
I'm really hoping I can find a Kaiser doctor that will prescribe me some testosterone supplementation so I can see if it helps. That, and perhaps surgery for the gynecomastia. I know someone who is a government employee in the state of California who had the same condition and Kaiser covered his surgery, but he may have better coverage than I do, being a state employee and me an employee of a private company. I'm getting the labs done tomorrow but I'm fearful that whatever numbers come back won't be considered sufficient evidence for the Kaiser physician to prescribe me things to help, and I'm also worried I have to wear two shirts the rest of my life and pretty much never want to remove my shirt around someone again because of my chest.
1. Inability to lose weight. I have a goal of 10% bodyfat that I want to reach, and this is a completely realistic goal. In fact, doing the math, and having done the part for a good 4 months, it's actually not hard at all - 1800-2000 calories a day plus working out 5x a week with intense cardio and/or resistance training is not hard to me at all - I actually kind of enjoyed it. It made me excited to go into work, because I was thinking about that workout and that I was working towards a goal of a six pack and looking really good. However, in the 4-5 months I've busted ass and done everything right (and having spoken to a nutritionist to get their professional opinion on how much I should be eating/working out/resting), and trying varying levels of calories (1500, 1800, 2000, and 2400) - nothing ever worked. In fact, in that time frame, I gained 4 pounds, and 3% bodyfat. And trust me, I did not gain 4 pounds of muscle, that's a shitload of muscle and takes a long time to put on - plus, P90X is *NOT NOT NOT* a bulking program - you can build a small amount of muscle on it but it uses high reps and is essentially a cardio circuit program, you just don't build 4 pounds of muscle in 4 months on it, so I know that isn't it. Plus, my bodyfat went up, despite doing everything correctly, and I watched this stuff like a hawk during the week.
2. Fatigue. It's not every day, but there are many days when I'm so tired I could just fall asleep at the keyboard. This is despite taking multivitamins, having good nutrition, having no vitamin or mineral shortage in my body, and getting 8-9 hours of sleep at night. Occasionally I have had insomnia but this did not affect how I felt. I get really good quality of sleep right now and I am STILL tired.
3. Gynecomastia - mentioned above.
4. Depressed mood and increased/easy irritability. I wasn't always the way I am today, honest. The past year, and even the past 4 months, my mood can be instantly snapped like a twig and I'm depressed for days. And some days, I'm just depressed when nothing happens at all to prompt it.
5. Lower libido. To be honest my libido was rather high a year or two ago. I wouldn't have called myself sex-obsessed, but close, sure. Now I force myself to be interested and I can still have sex and enjoy it, but the desire for it is much much lower to the point that many days I don't think about it at all (and trust me, for me that's abnormal).
6. Lack of focus. It's hard for me to work on anything (especially music) for more than 15 minutes. I just get irritated and/or bored and have to stop and do something mindless.
When you put all these symptoms together, I finally feel like I have a cause - low testosterone. I am getting the levels checked tomorrow. However, I strongly feel that whatever is found will be within the normal ranges, as the normal range for a testosterone test is 400-1200 (or 200 in some cases) ng/dl, which is a huge range that is easy to fall into, but even if I did, I still don't think it's normal for my body. Something just feels *off* and I can just tell something is out of whack. I know I'm not really this crazy but all these problems compounding on one another have really helped to just make me distraught. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of my body that I don't really want to go out in public or see my friends.
Please do NOT tell me, "Oh, you look fine," or "but you're super thin" - 20% body fat isn't thin, and a 25 BMI is right on the borderline between normal and overweight, so while I appreciate the fact you might think I'm thin, scientifically speaking, I'm not, and please don't badger me for wanting to better myself. If I can achieve a realistic goal for something I want, I'm going to work until I get it. Having a goal to work towards when working out keeps me motivated and keeps me going down to the gym. If I was working out for "maintenance", I don't think I'd go or try as hard as I do, nor would I really enjoy it, which would be disastrous.
I'm really hoping I can find a Kaiser doctor that will prescribe me some testosterone supplementation so I can see if it helps. That, and perhaps surgery for the gynecomastia. I know someone who is a government employee in the state of California who had the same condition and Kaiser covered his surgery, but he may have better coverage than I do, being a state employee and me an employee of a private company. I'm getting the labs done tomorrow but I'm fearful that whatever numbers come back won't be considered sufficient evidence for the Kaiser physician to prescribe me things to help, and I'm also worried I have to wear two shirts the rest of my life and pretty much never want to remove my shirt around someone again because of my chest.