(no subject)
i love the fact that i own myself. in every imaginable aspect. i don't have any strange disorders, i'm not addicted to anything at all, and i don't have any sort of violent psychological problem, other than the fact that i just don't give a good rats ass about pretty much anything, ever.
alot of my friends have been sick lately. as usual i'm left out of this loop because i have an obnoxiously good immune system. the other day i figured myself out. well lets not say the other day, it was well over a month ago. and as strange as that may sound, i'm alot happier now. i don't/haven't/never will need to drown any kind of sorrows in alcohol or drugs. anything i've ever done i did out of will power, not out of some deep desire to forget about something. thats one of the advantages to having a small conscience, anything that would hurt or bother an average person, just makes you scoff at the thought of letting it get to me. and thats what i discovered about myself. for the longest time i could never figure out what was wrong with me, why i was so heartless and just flat out didn't care about anything my friends had to tell me. why i was never deathly heart broken by any kind of bad relationships that crossed my path. and then i just figured out that i mostly just don't care. i can't help it. but i feel so much better now. i understand why i'm such a cold hearted bitch half the time, and why when people tell me something sad, i have to pretend to care rather than actually caring. and it eases my mind.
alot of the people that i used to care for sicken me now. not because of something that they did, or something they will do. but because of their fakeness. i have a million fake friends, and its something that you have to learn to deal with, because the world is full of imposters. and i thought i had accepted this. but its to the point that most of the people i THOUGHT were sincere, and i THOUGHT were real, are really just being the person they want to be rather than the person they are. i mean i'll deal with it and ignore it as usual, because theres no sense in trying to talk them out of it, because at this point they're so used to being this other person, that they think they are this person, and eventually they will be this person.
i love watching small children. they're so honest, and...themselves. but in 10 years they will have changed and become someone that they're not just like the rest of us. and i think what i did...was find who i am...and once i did that i found out that it wasn't me. it was whoever the hell i was trying to be. and that sounds so lame but when you think about it, you don't even really notice that you're not being yourself, which is why it pisses people off so much when someone tells you you're being fake, because you don't think that you are. but whatever, i'm good, i've figured it out and i can be comfortable now, thank god.
alot of my friends have been sick lately. as usual i'm left out of this loop because i have an obnoxiously good immune system. the other day i figured myself out. well lets not say the other day, it was well over a month ago. and as strange as that may sound, i'm alot happier now. i don't/haven't/never will need to drown any kind of sorrows in alcohol or drugs. anything i've ever done i did out of will power, not out of some deep desire to forget about something. thats one of the advantages to having a small conscience, anything that would hurt or bother an average person, just makes you scoff at the thought of letting it get to me. and thats what i discovered about myself. for the longest time i could never figure out what was wrong with me, why i was so heartless and just flat out didn't care about anything my friends had to tell me. why i was never deathly heart broken by any kind of bad relationships that crossed my path. and then i just figured out that i mostly just don't care. i can't help it. but i feel so much better now. i understand why i'm such a cold hearted bitch half the time, and why when people tell me something sad, i have to pretend to care rather than actually caring. and it eases my mind.
alot of the people that i used to care for sicken me now. not because of something that they did, or something they will do. but because of their fakeness. i have a million fake friends, and its something that you have to learn to deal with, because the world is full of imposters. and i thought i had accepted this. but its to the point that most of the people i THOUGHT were sincere, and i THOUGHT were real, are really just being the person they want to be rather than the person they are. i mean i'll deal with it and ignore it as usual, because theres no sense in trying to talk them out of it, because at this point they're so used to being this other person, that they think they are this person, and eventually they will be this person.
i love watching small children. they're so honest, and...themselves. but in 10 years they will have changed and become someone that they're not just like the rest of us. and i think what i did...was find who i am...and once i did that i found out that it wasn't me. it was whoever the hell i was trying to be. and that sounds so lame but when you think about it, you don't even really notice that you're not being yourself, which is why it pisses people off so much when someone tells you you're being fake, because you don't think that you are. but whatever, i'm good, i've figured it out and i can be comfortable now, thank god.