ficmix: break you (she said it was all make believe)
fanmix. lost. jack/juliet in the hydra. twelve songs + 1.
fic. she brings him dinner again, mac and cheese this time. 841 words. rated: g.
note: I'll be honest with you guys, I made this mix for no reason other than because I liked the montage I'd made for an icon. After I chose the songs, I decided that there was something missing and whipped up this thing that can only be called a 30 minute fic and that, it turns out, has very little to do with whole of the mix. Oops.
she said it was all make believe
She brings him dinner again, mac and cheese this time. The cafeteria of the Hydra had chicken or something else tasting more like real food, but Juliet would rather keep giving him these snacks that she whips up herself, alone while the kitchen crew eats.
Ben once asked why she did that, and she'd answered that it was because the small portions always kept him hungry and looking forward to her next visit. Ben had laughed, she had frowned.
The truth is, Juliet imagines Jack back home with a hand massaging the back of his neck after a long shift, briefcase casually dropped on the couch, a sandwich or a microwave meal and a deep, exhausted breath. She knows he appreciates the familiarity because she did too, at first.
The tray hits the table with a thud, everything in this artificial silence sounds twice as loud. "Here you go," she tells Jack, beckoning him near. "Hope you can make do without a chair."
"Sure," he replies, but hesitates to get up. She's still standing against the counter and he learned fast the distance they're supposed to maintain. Now Juliet works her way backwards through that, allowing him a step closer every day. She keeps her expression carefully unconcerned, as if she has no idea what he's waiting for, until he crosses the small space between them. This time he's at arms length when she slips to the side; her shoulder almost brushes his chest as she turns and the centimeter of air between her skin and his… almost is just enough this time.
Juliet walks to the other side of the room and Jack begins to eat. He grins at the food and she doesn't miss it. Her hands curl around the edge of the cold metal, grip it firmly.
Jacks stinks of salt and sweat from up close and Juliet thinks it's a shame, if this were fiction he'd smell like the city, like skyscrapers, new cars and a chinese place down the street. He'd smell of honey-scented shampoo, even after thirty, sixty swims in the ocean.
But there is something. He has that healthy glow of a new tan, different from burnt out skin that has been exposed too often to the sun. His hands are rough but not as much as the ones she's used to, and Juliet thinks they must have been quite delicate in the real world, though she suspects it's not something he'd like to hear.
Eyes run over the drawing of his tattoos, study lines as they run through the muscles underneath.
(In the real world, and she would smile if she were alone, they might have met on a Sunday in the convenience store of a gas station. He would have been in line before her, wearing a sleeveless shirt on his day off. An annoying client in front of both of them would have given her plenty of time to study the art printed on his skin, much like she does now, except there she would have figured him for a biker, maybe an athlete. Someone addicted to adrenaline and other things she'd have been too afraid to let herself want.
He would have looked at her and rolled a conspiratorial eye against the person in front of them. She'd have smiled and would never have admitted to Rachel or herself that in that moment, she had wondered.)
"Do you have any?" Jack asks when he picks up her stare. His voice has an incredulous tone to it, and of course, why wouldn't it, he just caught her leering.
"Yes, three," Juliet jokes and rolls her eyes at herself. "But don't ask me what they mean because I really don't remember."
He laughs, his head shifting slightly upwards as he does. "One of the many side effects of alcohol," he teases.
"Getting drunk and waking up with body art. So typically me."
"Yeah, I can see that," Jack says, still smiling. She grins and shrugs.
"You could have a ritual tattoo," he's still swallowing as he adds. "An initiation thing. Who knows what you people do."
The grin freezes on her face. He's still eating, unaware of having saying anything extraordinary.
You people.
"You have to break him, Juliet," Ben had said. It was his office and he was sitting behind his desk, giving out an assignment in the middle of the day. "It will be easy. You'll do it without even trying," he'd said and she thought she saw a sad smile on his face.
Juliet has to wonder now whether Ben, in bitter revenge, predicted this. Jack, she is slowly molding him, bending him. But the cracks, they're all on her and yes, she breaks without trying but no, it's not easy. Each slit burns her like fissures on the ice, spreading through the surface of her, fractures meeting and creating holes, spilling cold blood from below.
Jack will shatter all at once but she will hold herself together for as long as she can.
tracks.
01. undisclosed desires. muse. ♪
trust me, you can be sure
i want to reconcile the violence in your heart
i want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask
i want to exorcise the demons from your past
02. obstacle 2. interpol. ♪
if you don't trust yourself for at least one minute each day,
well you should trust in this, girl, 'cause loving is coming our way.
if you can fix me up, girl, we'll go a long way
(take my love in real small doses)
03. owls. cocoon. ♪
i'm her favorite game,
and i don't know the rules
i'm a piece of chess
and i always lose
04. careful where you stand. coldplay. ♪
i feel safe
i feel warm when you're here
then i do no wrong
05. maple leaves. jens lekman. ♪
she said it was all 'make believe'
but i thought she'd said 'maple leaves'
and when she talked about the fall
i thought she talked about the season
i never understood at all
06. oviedo. blind pilot. ♪
i didn't know, i didn't know i'm not in control
i didn't know, i'm not invincible
07. fake plastic trees. radiohead. ♪
she looks like the real thing
she tastes like the real thing
but i can't help the feeling
i could blow through the ceiling
if i just turn and run
08. love lockdown. alan powell. ♪
so you never know, never never know,
never know enough 'til it's over, love
'til we lose control, systems overload
screaming 'no, no, no, no '
09. winning a battle, losing the war. kings of convenience. ♪
even though i'm not her minder,
even though she doesn't want me around,
i am on my feet to find her,
to make sure that she is safe from harm
10. i fall in love too easily. miles davis. ♪
instrumental
11. no hope in the air. laura marling. ♪
why fear death? be scared of living
our hearts are small and ever thinning
there is no hope ever of winning
so why fear death? be scared of living
12. porcelain. moby. ♪
tell the truth you never wanted me,
tell me
ZIP
+ slow hands. interpol.
can't you see what you've done to my heart and soul?
this is a wasteland now