The Complex Magic of a Patronus
Title: The Complex Magic of a Patronus
Author: kaizokuzuko
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Intense angst
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Friendship
Summary: Snape insults Tonks' Patronus and gets more than he bargained for; an insight of kindred spirits
Author’s Notes: This is my first story and I hope it turned out alright. All my stories start out as conversations, it's the details I have troubles with. I hope you guys like it!
After an incident on the Hogwarts Express courtesy of one Draco Malfoy, Harry was going to miss yet another sorting. Tonks had kindly helped Harry off the train and escorted him up to the castle gates. A few minutes later, when they reached their destination Harry tried to simply push through the gates but they wouldn't open. Harry pointed his wand and cast Alohamora. Predictably nothing happened. Silently Tonks took her wand from its sheath on her leg and sent a Patronus to the castle. After more than ten minutes had elapsed, Harry grew tired of waiting and attempted to climb the gates, disregarding Tonks' warning. He got no more than a foot off the ground when he was thrown backwards into the mud. He laid there, not able to get up for the wind had been knocked out of him and decided it was best to just wait. Being as he was already covered in mud, Harry figured it would be just fine to continue to lay in it instead of getting up. He was pretty tired after all. Finally a dark figure approached.
"I meant my Patronus to reach Hagrid," Tonks said, clearly disappointed, for now the figure had come into view and revealed Severus Snape standing on the other side of the gates.
Raising his wand and saying a few incantations, Snape opened the gates. "Taking a nap in the mud Potter? I think it rather suits you."
"Ha, ha, a little help here."
Snape's mouth gave a slight twitch. As close as he's ever going to get to a smile, thought Tonks.
Because of Potter, Snape had to walk through the grounds all the way to the front gates in the dark and he was now missing dinner. He didn't have to be the one to intercept her Patronus but he did not want to miss an opportunity to torture the poor boy. Disregarding Harry's plea and seeing another potential victim of his seemingly good natured harassment, Snape turned his attention to Tonks.
"Your new Patronus is weak Nymphadora," he said patronizingly.
Tonks was too exhausted and completely emotionally drained to correct him for his use of her horrible name, but something inside of her snapped, for a completely different reason. Instead of helping Harry or reprimanding Snape, and much to the two men's surprise, she pointed her wand at Harry. If he thought she was going to magically help him up, he could not have been more wrong.
Stupify! Being as Harry was already on the ground; he simply sunk deeper into the mud and became unconscious. Rather than yelling and demanding the meaning of her actions, Snape quietly clapped, a look of utter amusement plastered on his face.
"Good show Nymphadora. I've wanted to do that for years."
Ignoring him, Tonks walked through the gate and up to Snape, glaring at him with as much hatred as she could muster. "My Patronus is not weak. It is in fact very strong. You of all people should understand."
If Snape was surprised at her statement he didn't show it. "I'm not quite sure what you're talking about, but please, if it was worth knocking out Potter, continue." Snape was now genuinely interested to see where Tonks was going with this.
"Did you know Death Eaters are unable to cast a Patronus? They don't understand or possess the complex magic needed to do so. Not that they would have a need being as the Dementors are on their side. But even if they did attack, even if they attempted to feed off the Death Eater's hopes, happy memories, feelings of love, they would starve because Death Eaters don't possess that kind of magic. I wonder though, as a Death Eater yourself, current or not, can you cast a Patronus Severus? Do you possess the complex magic?"
All the while Tonks was speaking the amused expression Snape once wore was gradually replaced by an ever intensifying scowl.
"I possess great magic, more than a pathetic Auror like you could even hope to obtain," he spat.
"That's not what I asked. I didn't ask if you possessed great magic, I asked if you possessed the complex magic needed to cast a Patronus."
Snape knew where she was going with this. He had called her Patronus weak, but if he wasn't able to cast one himself, that would make him weak in return. However, no one but Dumbledore could ever know he was able, so he resigned to give her what she wanted. Snape shrugged and said, "No."
Tonks sighed and stared into his cold, dark eyes with a mixed look of hatred and pity. Snape had the sudden feeling that she was staring into his deepest conscious, and it unnerved him.
"Liar," she said with a quiet yet ferocious resolve. "You're afraid of anyone knowing you're not a soulless bastard." Tonks knew she hit a nerve. Snape's face had become contorted with rage, his knuckles white from the grip on his wand. If he didn't loosen his grip, he could quite possibly snap it in twain. He knew he was losing control but at his point he didn't really care, it just her and him alone in the dark. With an unconscious Potter too, not that he mattered.
"It is better to be hated than loved! Look at yourself, you're falling to pieces! Your magic is fading, you look atrocious, and I'm assuming your flat is a disaster zone. You're a walking 'this is the price you pay for love' sign. Is it worth it Nymphadora?" She hesitated. "Well, is it? Are you sure you even qualify to be an Auror anymore? You're of no use to anyone in your current state, if you ever were at all. Go home."
Hoping he succeeded in shocking her train of thought completely, he levitated an unconscious Harry through the gates. "Be a good little girl, and put the wards back up on your way out." He knew that she knew that one had to be inside the gates to replace the wards, but he hoped she would just leave and he would replace them when she had gone. He started walking up to the castle, completely flustered, yet still hungry.
Tonks was clearly flustered as well. Was it worth it? Of course it was, but if she told him, she would also need to tell him why, and that wasn't any of his business. But then again she made it his business the moment she insulted him. It was just the two of them alone in the dark, well, and Harry too, poor kid. She made up her mind.
"It is worth it. It was all worth it, all of it, every minute. I was so happy I thought the world could end then and there and it would be just fine. When Remus went on Order missions, I felt a part of me break off, as if I was no longer whole. I couldn't sleep by myself and eating was a hardship. A serious case of codependency I know. But every time Remus came back, my world was made complete again. Then he left to go undercover with the werewolves, with the pretense that I was a mistake and he wasn't worth it. Not because we grew apart, not because our love faded, but because we're in the middle of a war and he loved me so much that losing me would have killed him. He's not here and it's tearing him apart. I know this because it's tearing me apart too. His damn noble actions are our problem. The love never left." Tonks was surprised at herself. She had not intended to say so many personal things, but the words flowed; they were easy to say to him. This realization made her slightly uncomfortable.
Snape had stopped walking as she was speaking and had allowed Potter to drop back into the mud. They were nowhere near being anything other than Professor and former student. If she wasn't in the Order this would have been highly inappropriate, hell it was inappropriate nonetheless. Why was she telling him this? Her words seemed to flow endlessly on their own, almost as if she trusted him to keep them. This realization made him slightly uncomfortable. He had to do something. When she was finished he slowly turned around, his face etched with disgust and contempt, most of it real, the rest a front. "How sentimental and useless. What, exactly, does this have to do with me?
Tonks slowly stepped up to Snape, so close in fact that in another life, another universe, she could have easily kissed him. She had spoken to him before with sadness and a lack of self, but this time she spoke with purpose, with conviction, with strength. "Despite my pain, despite my sorrow, I can still morph, contrary to popular belief. I'm stuck in my current appearance, but it is not the product of a lack of ability. I can't morph out his of features. Every time I look into a mirror he stares back. His grey eyes, no longer speckled with gold, his slightly graying mousy brown hair, his pale skin. It won't go away. I would look much different if my abilities were to leave completely. My appearance mirrors his, as does my new Patronus. It keeps me company when I can no longer see the light, but it also causes great pain. Love is a very powerful thing Severus. Love caused these changes. Love saved Harry as a baby. Love is what keeps you going."
Snape made to say something but she cut him off. Tonks' voice was growing louder, the fierceness behind her words was startling both of them, but she continued on.
"I've seen your Patronus Severus, last year during Umbridge's tyrannical reign. I was undercover on the grounds as a sympathetic ministry worker. I noticed Dementors following you so I did as well. Curiosity got the better of me. Why would Dementors follow a Death Eater? Were you controlling them or were they drawn by something within you, something they could feed off. My suspicions were answered soon enough. I think maybe you were leading them away from the castle with the hope that no one would see what you were about to do. I saw you cast a Patronus. It was one of the most beautiful and strong Patronuses I've ever seen."
Tonks had indeed been in awe of it, it really was as she had described. But now she was clearly getting angry; angry at him for calling her Patronus weak, angry at Remus for leaving, angry at both of them for denying love as if it was a common emotion.
For his part, Snape was taking her outburst rather well. So what if she saw it. She couldn't possibly know where his love came from, or who it was for. He only ever cast it when he feeling particularly alone or in the rare case of Dementors. Soon she would wear herself out and he would be able to take Potter up to the castle, and then retreat to his own chambers to relive his painful memories. He'd have a house elf bring him his dinner. Not that tonight would me much different than any other night.
What a stupid child, how dare she throw her weaknesses at him! Snape stayed silent, a small fury building. If he didn't respond maybe she would give up and walk away. Maybe she was finished.
She, of course, wasn't. But now her words were becoming harsh, bordering on cruelty. She wasn't finished with him yet, not by a long shot.
"Did you know Harry's Patronus is a stag? It wasn't hard to put it all together. How long have you loved her? Did she even know? A Slytherin falling for a Muggle-born Gryffindor who eventually married his mortal enemy? Who had ever heard of such a thing? It's why you hate Harry so much, why you torment him so.
"STOP!" Snape was shaking, his whole being turned to ice. He had never felt so exposed, so betrayed, and so haunted in his entire life. "That's enough Nymphadora. Enough." Oddly he wasn't angry anymore, if anything he was defeated. He didn't know what to say. She knew so much, just by a simple observation of one moment that lasted mere seconds. She really is an extraordinary Auror; he obviously would never say that out loud though. He just wanted her to stop talking but he knew she wasn't done, not by a long shot. Snape seemed to know what was coming, but he was powerless to stop it. If he guessed wrong to what she was about to say he could make everything worse. All he could do was breath and pray for it to end. Or at least that's what he told himself. Severus Snape, after all, wasn't a man who prayed. In a very uncharacteristic move Snape stared at his shoes, took a deep breath, and braced himself to the onslaught of her words.
Tonks knew she had him and part of her wanted to leave him with his despair, but that wasn't enough for her. She knew she was being unfair. If Remus was here he would be doing everything in his power to stop her. He would be so ashamed. But he wasn't here anymore. A small, cruel, selfish smile appeared on her face as she stared at Snape with fire in her eyes. They would suffer together.
"Lily died never loving you. She died because of you. Remus told me everything! How you and she had an intense friendship none of them understood. How you called her a Mudblood and drove her away with your obsession with the Dark Arts. How you drove her straight into the arms of James Potter. How you gave her to your Dark Lord by relaying the prophecy. Your love of Lily Evans is tainted, it's broken and traitorous. Your love is weak Severus Snape. Not mine. She left you because she hated you. Remus left me because he loved me." Tonks was crying now, but her tears were left unnoticed by either of them. "It took me months to fully understand him leaving. His constant mantra of 'too old, too poor, too dangerous' always sounded like bull shit. Like an excuse he made up instead of telling me to my face that he never loved me. But he does love me, I finally figured out what he meant."
She let out a small hysterical laugh that disturbed both of them. Still, Snape stared at his shoes, willing himself not to move, not that he could if he tried. He was frozen to the spot. Movement to him would mean a complete breakdown or an endless flow of curses towards her. Snape really couldn't afford either. Tonks however had begun pacing, flailing her arms drastically with every word. He felt that perhaps she was now talking more to herself than to him, which was a slight comfort.
"He's too old, not in numbers, but in soul. This war has aged his soul and he doesn't want mine to be burdened and drug down with it. He's too poor, not monetarily, but in spirit. He's lost so much and he feels he can never give me what he thinks I deserve. He's afraid he doesn't have enough hope, enough courage, and enough faith to make it through to the end of this war. And he's too dangerous, not because of his curse, but because everyone he loved has died. He unjustly thinks that by distancing himself and denying himself happiness, by running away from our love, that he's protecting me. But he's not and he'll come back the moment he realizes he's doing more damage away from me then he could ever do with me. He loves me and will come back. She didn't love you and she'll never come back."
He realized now they were two of a kind, yet completely different. She still had a chance; Remus could still be alive if the other werewolves hadn't snuffed him out yet. His love was dead, and what's worse, she never loved him in the same way he loved her. Tonks' last statement shook him. No one had ever said those words to him before. Snape hadn't even said them to himself, not in that context anyway.
He finally was able to convince himself to look up, but he wasn't prepared for what he saw. Snape hadn't felt her creep up on him, and he certainly hadn't expected her to be so intimately close, there was barely an inch between them. It was her eyes that did it though; they were terrifying. If anyone were to have told him Metamorphmagi's eyes could literally dance with flames, he would have laughed in their face. Eyes can't be on fire and she couldn't possibly have the control to morph them that way, even if she wasn't in her condition. If she wasn't staring at him so intently he would have never believed it. But there they were. Her eyes once grey, no longer speckled with gold, as she put it, were now red and appeared to have orange and yellow flames dancing over her irises. Coupled with the fact that she was crying tears of rage, her face looked as if it was melting. It really was truly terrifying.
"NEVER again call my Patronus weak. NEVER again call my appearance weak. NEVER again call my love weak." With every 'never' she shoved him with a small force, enough to make him stumble backwards. Completely and utterly stunned Snape hadn't noticed that throughout these few words tears had slowly made their way out of his soul and down his face. Not many, but enough.
"I'm sorry," was all he had strength to say when he righted himself. He had only said these words a few times before as a child but there was nothing else he could say in this situation. Nothing he could say to contradict her, nothing he could say to take away the truth of her words. He knew her Patronus wasn't weak; he called it so because he was envious of her and Lupin. They were being torn apart by war, but their love was stronger than ever. His was nothing more than a childhood obsession, or so he so often tried to convince himself. An obsession for the first girl who took the time to talk to him, to get to know him; his hopes and dreams, his fears and failings. She had never loved him; this he knew. This he would always know.
Tonks knew she had finally crossed the line. Her words had caused tears to break their way through his defenses. Before her now was a broken man, someone no one would probably ever see again and she felt pity for him. Expecting anything other than his reply, she was taken aback by those two simple yet powerful words. Tonks had no doubt however, that they were sincere. Suddenly, and for reasons she would never be able to explain, she embraced him. Snape stiffened from her touch and didn't move but the severity of her action was lost on neither of them and it ended as quickly as it began. As she backed away slowly he noticed how defeated she looked. He must have looked the same.
The fire in her heart was out. Tonks felt like she had said enough.
"I should wipe your memory Nymphadora." He wasn't sure what made him say it exactly, but he needed to regain the power of the situation.
"But you won't," Tonks said confidently, without a single movement toward her wand.
"And why is that?"
"Because it comforts you to know you're not alone."
No longer able to look Snape in the eye she turned to Harry who was still lying in the mud. Rennervate. Harry came to and gasped. "What, what happened," he stuttered.
"I told you you couldn't get past the wards but you tried anyways and Hogwarts kept you out. Up you go." Tonks offered a hand and a weak smile, both of which Harry gratefully accepted. "Have a good term Harry." As she turned to leave Tonks paused briefly and looked over her shoulder. "Good evening Severus."
She was right; he now knew he wasn't alone, not really. Snape was forced to compose himself as Tonks woke up Potter and he managed to look as cold and stoic as ever. To her parting words, he nodded. Snape replaced the wards after she had passed through the gate and forcefully pulled on Harry's arm, dragging him up to the castle.
Tonks could hear Snape belittling Harry as she walked out to Disapparate back to Headquarters. She decided to call the werewolf; she did not want to be alone right now. "Another sleepless night in Remus' old room is waiting for us boy," she said to the silver figure beside her.
Snape turned his head and watched Tonks slowly walk away with her silvery Patronus, her head down. He didn't want to say it. To say it would acknowledge her words got through to him, but seeing her and the wolf walk away together forced it out.
Seconds before she Disapparated Tonks heard an almost inaudible, "Good evening Nympha… Tonks."
She smiled despite herself and found her way up the stairs of Grimmauld Place, to a bed she once called home. "If only he allowed the best of himself to show," she said sadly. Tonks then got under the blankets and unwillingly allowed herself to be consumed by her haunted memories and her tortured thoughts. The silvery werewolf lying next to her, a reminder of everything she ever loved and everything she lost.
Miles away in his dungeon chambers, Severus Snape cast his Patronus, collapsed onto his sofa and did the same, his dinner long forgotten.
Author: kaizokuzuko
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Intense angst
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Friendship
Summary: Snape insults Tonks' Patronus and gets more than he bargained for; an insight of kindred spirits
Author’s Notes: This is my first story and I hope it turned out alright. All my stories start out as conversations, it's the details I have troubles with. I hope you guys like it!
After an incident on the Hogwarts Express courtesy of one Draco Malfoy, Harry was going to miss yet another sorting. Tonks had kindly helped Harry off the train and escorted him up to the castle gates. A few minutes later, when they reached their destination Harry tried to simply push through the gates but they wouldn't open. Harry pointed his wand and cast Alohamora. Predictably nothing happened. Silently Tonks took her wand from its sheath on her leg and sent a Patronus to the castle. After more than ten minutes had elapsed, Harry grew tired of waiting and attempted to climb the gates, disregarding Tonks' warning. He got no more than a foot off the ground when he was thrown backwards into the mud. He laid there, not able to get up for the wind had been knocked out of him and decided it was best to just wait. Being as he was already covered in mud, Harry figured it would be just fine to continue to lay in it instead of getting up. He was pretty tired after all. Finally a dark figure approached.
"I meant my Patronus to reach Hagrid," Tonks said, clearly disappointed, for now the figure had come into view and revealed Severus Snape standing on the other side of the gates.
Raising his wand and saying a few incantations, Snape opened the gates. "Taking a nap in the mud Potter? I think it rather suits you."
"Ha, ha, a little help here."
Snape's mouth gave a slight twitch. As close as he's ever going to get to a smile, thought Tonks.
Because of Potter, Snape had to walk through the grounds all the way to the front gates in the dark and he was now missing dinner. He didn't have to be the one to intercept her Patronus but he did not want to miss an opportunity to torture the poor boy. Disregarding Harry's plea and seeing another potential victim of his seemingly good natured harassment, Snape turned his attention to Tonks.
"Your new Patronus is weak Nymphadora," he said patronizingly.
Tonks was too exhausted and completely emotionally drained to correct him for his use of her horrible name, but something inside of her snapped, for a completely different reason. Instead of helping Harry or reprimanding Snape, and much to the two men's surprise, she pointed her wand at Harry. If he thought she was going to magically help him up, he could not have been more wrong.
Stupify! Being as Harry was already on the ground; he simply sunk deeper into the mud and became unconscious. Rather than yelling and demanding the meaning of her actions, Snape quietly clapped, a look of utter amusement plastered on his face.
"Good show Nymphadora. I've wanted to do that for years."
Ignoring him, Tonks walked through the gate and up to Snape, glaring at him with as much hatred as she could muster. "My Patronus is not weak. It is in fact very strong. You of all people should understand."
If Snape was surprised at her statement he didn't show it. "I'm not quite sure what you're talking about, but please, if it was worth knocking out Potter, continue." Snape was now genuinely interested to see where Tonks was going with this.
"Did you know Death Eaters are unable to cast a Patronus? They don't understand or possess the complex magic needed to do so. Not that they would have a need being as the Dementors are on their side. But even if they did attack, even if they attempted to feed off the Death Eater's hopes, happy memories, feelings of love, they would starve because Death Eaters don't possess that kind of magic. I wonder though, as a Death Eater yourself, current or not, can you cast a Patronus Severus? Do you possess the complex magic?"
All the while Tonks was speaking the amused expression Snape once wore was gradually replaced by an ever intensifying scowl.
"I possess great magic, more than a pathetic Auror like you could even hope to obtain," he spat.
"That's not what I asked. I didn't ask if you possessed great magic, I asked if you possessed the complex magic needed to cast a Patronus."
Snape knew where she was going with this. He had called her Patronus weak, but if he wasn't able to cast one himself, that would make him weak in return. However, no one but Dumbledore could ever know he was able, so he resigned to give her what she wanted. Snape shrugged and said, "No."
Tonks sighed and stared into his cold, dark eyes with a mixed look of hatred and pity. Snape had the sudden feeling that she was staring into his deepest conscious, and it unnerved him.
"Liar," she said with a quiet yet ferocious resolve. "You're afraid of anyone knowing you're not a soulless bastard." Tonks knew she hit a nerve. Snape's face had become contorted with rage, his knuckles white from the grip on his wand. If he didn't loosen his grip, he could quite possibly snap it in twain. He knew he was losing control but at his point he didn't really care, it just her and him alone in the dark. With an unconscious Potter too, not that he mattered.
"It is better to be hated than loved! Look at yourself, you're falling to pieces! Your magic is fading, you look atrocious, and I'm assuming your flat is a disaster zone. You're a walking 'this is the price you pay for love' sign. Is it worth it Nymphadora?" She hesitated. "Well, is it? Are you sure you even qualify to be an Auror anymore? You're of no use to anyone in your current state, if you ever were at all. Go home."
Hoping he succeeded in shocking her train of thought completely, he levitated an unconscious Harry through the gates. "Be a good little girl, and put the wards back up on your way out." He knew that she knew that one had to be inside the gates to replace the wards, but he hoped she would just leave and he would replace them when she had gone. He started walking up to the castle, completely flustered, yet still hungry.
Tonks was clearly flustered as well. Was it worth it? Of course it was, but if she told him, she would also need to tell him why, and that wasn't any of his business. But then again she made it his business the moment she insulted him. It was just the two of them alone in the dark, well, and Harry too, poor kid. She made up her mind.
"It is worth it. It was all worth it, all of it, every minute. I was so happy I thought the world could end then and there and it would be just fine. When Remus went on Order missions, I felt a part of me break off, as if I was no longer whole. I couldn't sleep by myself and eating was a hardship. A serious case of codependency I know. But every time Remus came back, my world was made complete again. Then he left to go undercover with the werewolves, with the pretense that I was a mistake and he wasn't worth it. Not because we grew apart, not because our love faded, but because we're in the middle of a war and he loved me so much that losing me would have killed him. He's not here and it's tearing him apart. I know this because it's tearing me apart too. His damn noble actions are our problem. The love never left." Tonks was surprised at herself. She had not intended to say so many personal things, but the words flowed; they were easy to say to him. This realization made her slightly uncomfortable.
Snape had stopped walking as she was speaking and had allowed Potter to drop back into the mud. They were nowhere near being anything other than Professor and former student. If she wasn't in the Order this would have been highly inappropriate, hell it was inappropriate nonetheless. Why was she telling him this? Her words seemed to flow endlessly on their own, almost as if she trusted him to keep them. This realization made him slightly uncomfortable. He had to do something. When she was finished he slowly turned around, his face etched with disgust and contempt, most of it real, the rest a front. "How sentimental and useless. What, exactly, does this have to do with me?
Tonks slowly stepped up to Snape, so close in fact that in another life, another universe, she could have easily kissed him. She had spoken to him before with sadness and a lack of self, but this time she spoke with purpose, with conviction, with strength. "Despite my pain, despite my sorrow, I can still morph, contrary to popular belief. I'm stuck in my current appearance, but it is not the product of a lack of ability. I can't morph out his of features. Every time I look into a mirror he stares back. His grey eyes, no longer speckled with gold, his slightly graying mousy brown hair, his pale skin. It won't go away. I would look much different if my abilities were to leave completely. My appearance mirrors his, as does my new Patronus. It keeps me company when I can no longer see the light, but it also causes great pain. Love is a very powerful thing Severus. Love caused these changes. Love saved Harry as a baby. Love is what keeps you going."
Snape made to say something but she cut him off. Tonks' voice was growing louder, the fierceness behind her words was startling both of them, but she continued on.
"I've seen your Patronus Severus, last year during Umbridge's tyrannical reign. I was undercover on the grounds as a sympathetic ministry worker. I noticed Dementors following you so I did as well. Curiosity got the better of me. Why would Dementors follow a Death Eater? Were you controlling them or were they drawn by something within you, something they could feed off. My suspicions were answered soon enough. I think maybe you were leading them away from the castle with the hope that no one would see what you were about to do. I saw you cast a Patronus. It was one of the most beautiful and strong Patronuses I've ever seen."
Tonks had indeed been in awe of it, it really was as she had described. But now she was clearly getting angry; angry at him for calling her Patronus weak, angry at Remus for leaving, angry at both of them for denying love as if it was a common emotion.
For his part, Snape was taking her outburst rather well. So what if she saw it. She couldn't possibly know where his love came from, or who it was for. He only ever cast it when he feeling particularly alone or in the rare case of Dementors. Soon she would wear herself out and he would be able to take Potter up to the castle, and then retreat to his own chambers to relive his painful memories. He'd have a house elf bring him his dinner. Not that tonight would me much different than any other night.
What a stupid child, how dare she throw her weaknesses at him! Snape stayed silent, a small fury building. If he didn't respond maybe she would give up and walk away. Maybe she was finished.
She, of course, wasn't. But now her words were becoming harsh, bordering on cruelty. She wasn't finished with him yet, not by a long shot.
"Did you know Harry's Patronus is a stag? It wasn't hard to put it all together. How long have you loved her? Did she even know? A Slytherin falling for a Muggle-born Gryffindor who eventually married his mortal enemy? Who had ever heard of such a thing? It's why you hate Harry so much, why you torment him so.
"STOP!" Snape was shaking, his whole being turned to ice. He had never felt so exposed, so betrayed, and so haunted in his entire life. "That's enough Nymphadora. Enough." Oddly he wasn't angry anymore, if anything he was defeated. He didn't know what to say. She knew so much, just by a simple observation of one moment that lasted mere seconds. She really is an extraordinary Auror; he obviously would never say that out loud though. He just wanted her to stop talking but he knew she wasn't done, not by a long shot. Snape seemed to know what was coming, but he was powerless to stop it. If he guessed wrong to what she was about to say he could make everything worse. All he could do was breath and pray for it to end. Or at least that's what he told himself. Severus Snape, after all, wasn't a man who prayed. In a very uncharacteristic move Snape stared at his shoes, took a deep breath, and braced himself to the onslaught of her words.
Tonks knew she had him and part of her wanted to leave him with his despair, but that wasn't enough for her. She knew she was being unfair. If Remus was here he would be doing everything in his power to stop her. He would be so ashamed. But he wasn't here anymore. A small, cruel, selfish smile appeared on her face as she stared at Snape with fire in her eyes. They would suffer together.
"Lily died never loving you. She died because of you. Remus told me everything! How you and she had an intense friendship none of them understood. How you called her a Mudblood and drove her away with your obsession with the Dark Arts. How you drove her straight into the arms of James Potter. How you gave her to your Dark Lord by relaying the prophecy. Your love of Lily Evans is tainted, it's broken and traitorous. Your love is weak Severus Snape. Not mine. She left you because she hated you. Remus left me because he loved me." Tonks was crying now, but her tears were left unnoticed by either of them. "It took me months to fully understand him leaving. His constant mantra of 'too old, too poor, too dangerous' always sounded like bull shit. Like an excuse he made up instead of telling me to my face that he never loved me. But he does love me, I finally figured out what he meant."
She let out a small hysterical laugh that disturbed both of them. Still, Snape stared at his shoes, willing himself not to move, not that he could if he tried. He was frozen to the spot. Movement to him would mean a complete breakdown or an endless flow of curses towards her. Snape really couldn't afford either. Tonks however had begun pacing, flailing her arms drastically with every word. He felt that perhaps she was now talking more to herself than to him, which was a slight comfort.
"He's too old, not in numbers, but in soul. This war has aged his soul and he doesn't want mine to be burdened and drug down with it. He's too poor, not monetarily, but in spirit. He's lost so much and he feels he can never give me what he thinks I deserve. He's afraid he doesn't have enough hope, enough courage, and enough faith to make it through to the end of this war. And he's too dangerous, not because of his curse, but because everyone he loved has died. He unjustly thinks that by distancing himself and denying himself happiness, by running away from our love, that he's protecting me. But he's not and he'll come back the moment he realizes he's doing more damage away from me then he could ever do with me. He loves me and will come back. She didn't love you and she'll never come back."
He realized now they were two of a kind, yet completely different. She still had a chance; Remus could still be alive if the other werewolves hadn't snuffed him out yet. His love was dead, and what's worse, she never loved him in the same way he loved her. Tonks' last statement shook him. No one had ever said those words to him before. Snape hadn't even said them to himself, not in that context anyway.
He finally was able to convince himself to look up, but he wasn't prepared for what he saw. Snape hadn't felt her creep up on him, and he certainly hadn't expected her to be so intimately close, there was barely an inch between them. It was her eyes that did it though; they were terrifying. If anyone were to have told him Metamorphmagi's eyes could literally dance with flames, he would have laughed in their face. Eyes can't be on fire and she couldn't possibly have the control to morph them that way, even if she wasn't in her condition. If she wasn't staring at him so intently he would have never believed it. But there they were. Her eyes once grey, no longer speckled with gold, as she put it, were now red and appeared to have orange and yellow flames dancing over her irises. Coupled with the fact that she was crying tears of rage, her face looked as if it was melting. It really was truly terrifying.
"NEVER again call my Patronus weak. NEVER again call my appearance weak. NEVER again call my love weak." With every 'never' she shoved him with a small force, enough to make him stumble backwards. Completely and utterly stunned Snape hadn't noticed that throughout these few words tears had slowly made their way out of his soul and down his face. Not many, but enough.
"I'm sorry," was all he had strength to say when he righted himself. He had only said these words a few times before as a child but there was nothing else he could say in this situation. Nothing he could say to contradict her, nothing he could say to take away the truth of her words. He knew her Patronus wasn't weak; he called it so because he was envious of her and Lupin. They were being torn apart by war, but their love was stronger than ever. His was nothing more than a childhood obsession, or so he so often tried to convince himself. An obsession for the first girl who took the time to talk to him, to get to know him; his hopes and dreams, his fears and failings. She had never loved him; this he knew. This he would always know.
Tonks knew she had finally crossed the line. Her words had caused tears to break their way through his defenses. Before her now was a broken man, someone no one would probably ever see again and she felt pity for him. Expecting anything other than his reply, she was taken aback by those two simple yet powerful words. Tonks had no doubt however, that they were sincere. Suddenly, and for reasons she would never be able to explain, she embraced him. Snape stiffened from her touch and didn't move but the severity of her action was lost on neither of them and it ended as quickly as it began. As she backed away slowly he noticed how defeated she looked. He must have looked the same.
The fire in her heart was out. Tonks felt like she had said enough.
"I should wipe your memory Nymphadora." He wasn't sure what made him say it exactly, but he needed to regain the power of the situation.
"But you won't," Tonks said confidently, without a single movement toward her wand.
"And why is that?"
"Because it comforts you to know you're not alone."
No longer able to look Snape in the eye she turned to Harry who was still lying in the mud. Rennervate. Harry came to and gasped. "What, what happened," he stuttered.
"I told you you couldn't get past the wards but you tried anyways and Hogwarts kept you out. Up you go." Tonks offered a hand and a weak smile, both of which Harry gratefully accepted. "Have a good term Harry." As she turned to leave Tonks paused briefly and looked over her shoulder. "Good evening Severus."
She was right; he now knew he wasn't alone, not really. Snape was forced to compose himself as Tonks woke up Potter and he managed to look as cold and stoic as ever. To her parting words, he nodded. Snape replaced the wards after she had passed through the gate and forcefully pulled on Harry's arm, dragging him up to the castle.
Tonks could hear Snape belittling Harry as she walked out to Disapparate back to Headquarters. She decided to call the werewolf; she did not want to be alone right now. "Another sleepless night in Remus' old room is waiting for us boy," she said to the silver figure beside her.
Snape turned his head and watched Tonks slowly walk away with her silvery Patronus, her head down. He didn't want to say it. To say it would acknowledge her words got through to him, but seeing her and the wolf walk away together forced it out.
Seconds before she Disapparated Tonks heard an almost inaudible, "Good evening Nympha… Tonks."
She smiled despite herself and found her way up the stairs of Grimmauld Place, to a bed she once called home. "If only he allowed the best of himself to show," she said sadly. Tonks then got under the blankets and unwillingly allowed herself to be consumed by her haunted memories and her tortured thoughts. The silvery werewolf lying next to her, a reminder of everything she ever loved and everything she lost.
Miles away in his dungeon chambers, Severus Snape cast his Patronus, collapsed onto his sofa and did the same, his dinner long forgotten.