in wanting
Jeff smiles, and Evan has to as well. He can't help it; the way Jeff's lips spread and expose his pearly white teeth, the way the smile always, always reaches his eyes makes something deep in Evan's chest ache, and he smiles to make it go away.
He itches to touch him, to feel Jeff's skin under his fingers. He's sure it's smooth, it has to be. He's seen Jeff putting lotion on after every show, every time they get stuck together in a hotel room. There's something about foreign air, different water and scents that make Evan crazy, make him restless for something new.
He can't do that, though. He knows most of the skating world hates him and that Jeff's only nice to his face because they were friends once, before the gold medal. Evan thinks it shouldn't matter. Jeff has a bronze of his own and a World Championship, and so what if Evan has a gold and a gold? He wanted it and went for it and got it, and people shouldn't hate him for that.
But they do.
No one will look him in the eye anymore, especially not Johnny, who stares bitterly and scoffs whenever Evan comes near. That went bad a long time ago, though, so he's learned to back off, stay away.
He thought, though, that maybe Jeff- beautiful, golden like the fucking sun Jeff- would still like him, still stand to be around him and talk to him like he's a normal person or something. It hurts Evan more than he can say, how he can see the hint of bitterness in Jeff's eyes, how his body language is different, how he pulls away too soon, never getting close enough for Evan to touch.
He knows how Jeff and Adam make fun of him when he goes on to skate, watching him on the monitor or something. He ignores it, though, because he misses having friends. Having people to talk to.
Sometimes Jeff doesn't come back to the hotel room until early in the morning. He closes the door quietly and still Evan stirs from his sleep. He watches Jeff's outline move across the room, stripping off his clothes and Evan wants to turn over, turn on the light and ask him where he's been. He wants to climb in the bed with him, like they used to, and press his face into his neck and just smell him until he can't breathe and has to gasp for air.
Evan wants to kiss him, until their lips are red and swollen and then he wants to kiss him again, and never stop.
He doesn't.
He lays on his bed and skates and barely sleeps or eats. He works until he's so exhausted that he can't even remember he's exhausted. And he just keeps going, hoping one day he'll collapse, that he'll give out, so he doesn't have to deal with this anymore. So maybe he won't have to deal with all of this anymore, everything he never wanted, and finally, finally just sleep.