Risperidone (Arthur/Merlin) (Warnings: Attempted Suicide, depression)
Title: Risperidone
Pairing: Arthur/Merlin
Rating: NC17
Warnings: Attempted Suicide. It's not a graphic description it's only alluded to.
Author's note: Based on this http://kinkme-merlin.livejournal.com/34275.html?thread=36251875#t36251875 prompt on the kink meme in the loosest sense of the word
“I’ve been sitting in this chair for so long. I feel like I should name it.” Arthur puts his bare feet against the edge of the table and tries to tip the chair back. It doesn’t move, of course it doesn’t. They’re solid wood and lined with metal and Gwaine told him it’s so the really crazy crazies don’t throw them at the other patients.
“You have outdoor privileges, you don’t have to sit around in here all day.” Merlin doesn’t look up from the puzzle scattered out in front of him. Arthur thinks he looks ridiculous in his toothpaste blue scrubs.
Arthur stretches the upper half of his body across the table until his lips brush against Merlin’s cheek. “You can come back to my place, nobody’s in right now. It locks from the outside and I gotta tell ya, the bed’s a little small so you’re gonna have to ride me if -“
“Arthur, sit down.” Merlin’s eyes lock onto his dangerously and Arthur licks his lips. “What’s gotten into you today? You’ve been doing so well.”
It’s hard to miss the disappointment in Merlin’s voice and it makes Arthur fall back into his chair and sulk. “I’m not crazy, I should be able to sign one of those seventy two hour release forms.”
“No one said you were crazy, Arthur.” Merlin leans back with a sigh, “And you can’t sign the release because you weren’t voluntarily committed. You were Baker Acted, we can’t just let you stroll out of here to do god knows what to yourself.” He glances meaningfully at the bandages wrapped around Arthur’s wrists.
Arthur watches the withdrawing meth addict that was brought in last night, shift around a chair for a few minutes before looking back to Merlin. “Do you go home at night and tell your girlfriend about all the lunatics you babysit during the day? I bet you have some fucked up pillow talk.”
“Don’t have a girlfriend, but I make a point to let my cat know the gory details.” Merlin’s lips twitch with the hint of a smile and Arthur finds himself laughing for what feels like a lifetime.
“I really like you.” He runs his foot under Merlin’s scrubs and against his ankle. “You don’t talk to me like a child. And you’re my friend, at least I hope you’re my friend.” Merlin leans on his elbow and offers up a cheerful nod. “And you’re pretty.”
“That almost feels like an insult.” Merlin says. Gwaine slinks by and throws them a seductive grin and Gwen shoves his medication into his hand and marks him down on the clipboard. “How are you feeling this morning, by the way?”
Arthur sticks his thumb through the hole just under the collar of his shirt and wiggles it around, making Gwaine laugh from his new spot at the table across from them. “Like I want to kill myself.” He glances up at Merlin who tilts his head and lets out a little huff of breath.
“Don’t say things like that, Arthur. Do you mean that?”
He feels bad again for upsetting Merlin. “No, not really, I mean -I was just joking.” He wrinkles his nose up. “It’s not funny, I know.”
Arthur knows why he’s here, his older sister found him in the bathtub two weeks ago. She had slapped him in the hospital when he apologized and told her that he had meant to lock the door. There was a cop that stood outside his hospital room during the night and Arthur couldn’t help but wonder how someone who had lost over a pint of blood was going to make a run for it. And then they moved him to “Hopeful Horizons” with its awful cement walls and it’s eight ton chairs and supervised showers. The first night he had asked Merlin why the walls were painted the awful salmon color and Merlin had told him, “It’s to create a calming atmosphere, we don’t need everyone starting riots.”
“Are you going to be working the late shift tonight?” Arthur forces himself to maintain eye contact with Merlin.
Merlin doesn’t answer him, just watches him until Doctor Gaius beckons him over with a silent gesture and he pushes himself away from the table. Arthur spins one of the puzzle pieces between his fingers idly and pretends not to see the way Gwaine is giving him a pitying look.
#
“I just -god -so perfect, you’re so fucking beautiful.” Arthur digs his thumbs into the skin above Merlin’s hips as he moves above him and has to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from coming to soon.
Merlin sucks a trail of kisses across Arthur’s jaw and his breath stutters when he feels Arthur drive his cock deeper into him. “Please don’t let anyone know. Get in so much -nntrouble.” His eyes are so clear and focused when they’re doing this, it makes Arthur lose his pace for a moment before he flips Merlin onto his back, never leaving his body. His skin almost blends in with the bleached out sheets and Arthur wants to mark it -suck bruises into his wrists.
When Arthur brings Merlin off, he finishes deep inside of him and presses a kiss to the corner of his mouth that is much to gentle. Holds too much meaning.
#
Gaius keeps a kind look on his face during group sessions, even when half of the patients are yelling obscenities or teetering on the edge of violent outbreak. Merlin sits next to him, eyes looking unnatural and fluorescent when he glances up at Arthur.
“Gwaine, what is your goal that you’ve set for yourself this week?” Gaius glances over the frame of his glasses.
Gwaine digs his fingers into the corners of his eyes and slumps down in his seat, legs splayed out crudely. “My goal this week is to get the fuck out of this place.” Snickers travel around the circle. “You need to start telling me what I need to say during the one on ones to give me straight A’s on my sanity reports.”
“If I told you what to say, I wouldn’t really be helping you, would I?” Gaius glances at
the clipboard in Merlin’s lap. “Mr. Pendragon, why don’t you share your goal of the week with us?”
Arthur picks at the gauze on his wrist. The healing cuts itch. “I guess I’m going to call my sister this week. Or try to.” He’s been avoiding Morgana, he hasn’t been ready to hear her voice again. She’s the strong one and he doesn’t want to hear her cry again.
#
Arthur’s ears are ringing and he thinks it’s because they don’t allow any music or noise after lights out. The nurses station is freezing, he doesn’t know how any of them can stand it. He spins around in the office chair next to Gaius’s desk and watches the old doctor finish his daily reports.
“I’m going to move to the coast when I get out of here, somewhere right on the beach.” He chatters idly, mostly to fill the silence.
Gaius grabs his wrist and peaks underneath the bandage, effectively stopping Arthur’s twisting about. “And Merlin?”
“He’s going to come with me, he could use some sun,” he says it to his lap.
The look of pity he gets hurts almost as much as it does when Gaius frowns at him and says, “He’s not going to get better.”
#
“I think I’m in love with you.” Arthur picks through the cocktail of antidepressants in the paper Dixie cup.
Merlin laughs softly and it makes Arthur feel so light inside. “You’ve only known me for a few weeks.”
“That’s enough.” He watches a few of the nurses walk by and offer fond smiles to Merlin. “What do you think of the beach?”
#
Morgana is in the waiting room, just beyond the imposing metal door, and Arthur feels strange holding his bag of confiscated belongings; of having shoelaces in his shoes again. “I know that you will make it, Arthur. Don’t forget to take your medication twice a day, and I will be checking to make sure you are seeing the psychologist.” Gaius shakes Arthur’s hand warmly.
“Merlin?” His voice feels dry and tense and Gaius just nods wearily.
He follows Gaius to the nurses station, where Merlin is sitting behind the counter swapping stories with Gwen. When he sees Arthur in the clothes he was brought in with, he stands up and leans over the desk. “Free at last?”
Arthur twines his fingers into Merlin’s hair and rests their foreheads together. “Are you getting off shift soon?”
Merlin looks at the clock, “Um, yeah a couple minutes.”
“I’ll wait then.”
Arthur keeps his fingers laced up tightly with Merlin’s, running his thumb over the smooth skin of Merlin’s knuckles when Gaius drops down in the chair next to him. “Been a long shift, hasn’t it, Merlin?”
Merlin doesn’t seem to be paying attention to the doctor though, and Arthur tries to ignore the way the syringe gleams threateningly in Gaius’s gloved hand. Merlin watches Arthur with foggy blue eyes and a distant hint of a smile and Arthur runs his hand over the side of Merlin’s face, winds his arm around the small of his back until he feels him go limp in his arms. Merlin looks so at peace in his unconscious state, even with Gaius pulling the needle out of his arm and Arthur ignores the way he gets the side of Merlin’s face a little wet with his tears. He kisses him on the forehead and lets one of the bigger nurses, Percival carry Merlin away to his room.
They had told him that the antipsychotics didn’t work anymore, it was best that Merlin just get some rest from now on.
Pairing: Arthur/Merlin
Rating: NC17
Warnings: Attempted Suicide. It's not a graphic description it's only alluded to.
Author's note: Based on this http://kinkme-merlin.livejournal.com/34275.html?thread=36251875#t36251875 prompt on the kink meme in the loosest sense of the word
“I’ve been sitting in this chair for so long. I feel like I should name it.” Arthur puts his bare feet against the edge of the table and tries to tip the chair back. It doesn’t move, of course it doesn’t. They’re solid wood and lined with metal and Gwaine told him it’s so the really crazy crazies don’t throw them at the other patients.
“You have outdoor privileges, you don’t have to sit around in here all day.” Merlin doesn’t look up from the puzzle scattered out in front of him. Arthur thinks he looks ridiculous in his toothpaste blue scrubs.
Arthur stretches the upper half of his body across the table until his lips brush against Merlin’s cheek. “You can come back to my place, nobody’s in right now. It locks from the outside and I gotta tell ya, the bed’s a little small so you’re gonna have to ride me if -“
“Arthur, sit down.” Merlin’s eyes lock onto his dangerously and Arthur licks his lips. “What’s gotten into you today? You’ve been doing so well.”
It’s hard to miss the disappointment in Merlin’s voice and it makes Arthur fall back into his chair and sulk. “I’m not crazy, I should be able to sign one of those seventy two hour release forms.”
“No one said you were crazy, Arthur.” Merlin leans back with a sigh, “And you can’t sign the release because you weren’t voluntarily committed. You were Baker Acted, we can’t just let you stroll out of here to do god knows what to yourself.” He glances meaningfully at the bandages wrapped around Arthur’s wrists.
Arthur watches the withdrawing meth addict that was brought in last night, shift around a chair for a few minutes before looking back to Merlin. “Do you go home at night and tell your girlfriend about all the lunatics you babysit during the day? I bet you have some fucked up pillow talk.”
“Don’t have a girlfriend, but I make a point to let my cat know the gory details.” Merlin’s lips twitch with the hint of a smile and Arthur finds himself laughing for what feels like a lifetime.
“I really like you.” He runs his foot under Merlin’s scrubs and against his ankle. “You don’t talk to me like a child. And you’re my friend, at least I hope you’re my friend.” Merlin leans on his elbow and offers up a cheerful nod. “And you’re pretty.”
“That almost feels like an insult.” Merlin says. Gwaine slinks by and throws them a seductive grin and Gwen shoves his medication into his hand and marks him down on the clipboard. “How are you feeling this morning, by the way?”
Arthur sticks his thumb through the hole just under the collar of his shirt and wiggles it around, making Gwaine laugh from his new spot at the table across from them. “Like I want to kill myself.” He glances up at Merlin who tilts his head and lets out a little huff of breath.
“Don’t say things like that, Arthur. Do you mean that?”
He feels bad again for upsetting Merlin. “No, not really, I mean -I was just joking.” He wrinkles his nose up. “It’s not funny, I know.”
Arthur knows why he’s here, his older sister found him in the bathtub two weeks ago. She had slapped him in the hospital when he apologized and told her that he had meant to lock the door. There was a cop that stood outside his hospital room during the night and Arthur couldn’t help but wonder how someone who had lost over a pint of blood was going to make a run for it. And then they moved him to “Hopeful Horizons” with its awful cement walls and it’s eight ton chairs and supervised showers. The first night he had asked Merlin why the walls were painted the awful salmon color and Merlin had told him, “It’s to create a calming atmosphere, we don’t need everyone starting riots.”
“Are you going to be working the late shift tonight?” Arthur forces himself to maintain eye contact with Merlin.
Merlin doesn’t answer him, just watches him until Doctor Gaius beckons him over with a silent gesture and he pushes himself away from the table. Arthur spins one of the puzzle pieces between his fingers idly and pretends not to see the way Gwaine is giving him a pitying look.
#
“I just -god -so perfect, you’re so fucking beautiful.” Arthur digs his thumbs into the skin above Merlin’s hips as he moves above him and has to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from coming to soon.
Merlin sucks a trail of kisses across Arthur’s jaw and his breath stutters when he feels Arthur drive his cock deeper into him. “Please don’t let anyone know. Get in so much -nntrouble.” His eyes are so clear and focused when they’re doing this, it makes Arthur lose his pace for a moment before he flips Merlin onto his back, never leaving his body. His skin almost blends in with the bleached out sheets and Arthur wants to mark it -suck bruises into his wrists.
When Arthur brings Merlin off, he finishes deep inside of him and presses a kiss to the corner of his mouth that is much to gentle. Holds too much meaning.
#
Gaius keeps a kind look on his face during group sessions, even when half of the patients are yelling obscenities or teetering on the edge of violent outbreak. Merlin sits next to him, eyes looking unnatural and fluorescent when he glances up at Arthur.
“Gwaine, what is your goal that you’ve set for yourself this week?” Gaius glances over the frame of his glasses.
Gwaine digs his fingers into the corners of his eyes and slumps down in his seat, legs splayed out crudely. “My goal this week is to get the fuck out of this place.” Snickers travel around the circle. “You need to start telling me what I need to say during the one on ones to give me straight A’s on my sanity reports.”
“If I told you what to say, I wouldn’t really be helping you, would I?” Gaius glances at
the clipboard in Merlin’s lap. “Mr. Pendragon, why don’t you share your goal of the week with us?”
Arthur picks at the gauze on his wrist. The healing cuts itch. “I guess I’m going to call my sister this week. Or try to.” He’s been avoiding Morgana, he hasn’t been ready to hear her voice again. She’s the strong one and he doesn’t want to hear her cry again.
#
Arthur’s ears are ringing and he thinks it’s because they don’t allow any music or noise after lights out. The nurses station is freezing, he doesn’t know how any of them can stand it. He spins around in the office chair next to Gaius’s desk and watches the old doctor finish his daily reports.
“I’m going to move to the coast when I get out of here, somewhere right on the beach.” He chatters idly, mostly to fill the silence.
Gaius grabs his wrist and peaks underneath the bandage, effectively stopping Arthur’s twisting about. “And Merlin?”
“He’s going to come with me, he could use some sun,” he says it to his lap.
The look of pity he gets hurts almost as much as it does when Gaius frowns at him and says, “He’s not going to get better.”
#
“I think I’m in love with you.” Arthur picks through the cocktail of antidepressants in the paper Dixie cup.
Merlin laughs softly and it makes Arthur feel so light inside. “You’ve only known me for a few weeks.”
“That’s enough.” He watches a few of the nurses walk by and offer fond smiles to Merlin. “What do you think of the beach?”
#
Morgana is in the waiting room, just beyond the imposing metal door, and Arthur feels strange holding his bag of confiscated belongings; of having shoelaces in his shoes again. “I know that you will make it, Arthur. Don’t forget to take your medication twice a day, and I will be checking to make sure you are seeing the psychologist.” Gaius shakes Arthur’s hand warmly.
“Merlin?” His voice feels dry and tense and Gaius just nods wearily.
He follows Gaius to the nurses station, where Merlin is sitting behind the counter swapping stories with Gwen. When he sees Arthur in the clothes he was brought in with, he stands up and leans over the desk. “Free at last?”
Arthur twines his fingers into Merlin’s hair and rests their foreheads together. “Are you getting off shift soon?”
Merlin looks at the clock, “Um, yeah a couple minutes.”
“I’ll wait then.”
Arthur keeps his fingers laced up tightly with Merlin’s, running his thumb over the smooth skin of Merlin’s knuckles when Gaius drops down in the chair next to him. “Been a long shift, hasn’t it, Merlin?”
Merlin doesn’t seem to be paying attention to the doctor though, and Arthur tries to ignore the way the syringe gleams threateningly in Gaius’s gloved hand. Merlin watches Arthur with foggy blue eyes and a distant hint of a smile and Arthur runs his hand over the side of Merlin’s face, winds his arm around the small of his back until he feels him go limp in his arms. Merlin looks so at peace in his unconscious state, even with Gaius pulling the needle out of his arm and Arthur ignores the way he gets the side of Merlin’s face a little wet with his tears. He kisses him on the forehead and lets one of the bigger nurses, Percival carry Merlin away to his room.
They had told him that the antipsychotics didn’t work anymore, it was best that Merlin just get some rest from now on.