(no subject)
I drew a self portrait today for class. When it was done i looked at it, and it was a fair representation of myself, but there was something about it that bothered me. After starring at it for a few minutes i realized that i drew myself looking upset.
This bothered me.
A lot.
I didnt think i was outwardly expressing how i felt, and by the look of the drawing i am more upset than i had originally thought myself to be.
After contemplating on that for the second half of the day i figured out the why.
Emotion.
Its lacking in my day to day life here. Nothing is really stimulating me to live my life fully. Its all just there, it happens, and then its gone in a passing moment.
Classes aren't expected to be exciting so i cant get anything there.
My room is not a good place to look for emotion other than anger. Nothing useful there.
Frisbee. Back home it was one of the most exciting and stimulating things i did but here its just another thing i do every week. Run the drills, make the plays by the book, passing, running, passing, running. Even my favorite sport isnt cutting it anymore.
People out here just arent making things easy either. Its either i want to hang out with people, but i never get the chance or i dont really know them. Or they want to hang out with me and they're kinda weird and creepy and i dont want to be with them.
I just want to be able to walk out of my room, go down the street and just walk into taylors house to find him on the computer playing WoW and andy yelling at eric because he has no pants on. I want to go to hot bagels when theres nothing to do at night. I want half off apetizers at applebeas. I want to waste my whole day sitting and talking in Capolla's class while trying to put work together for my portfolio.
Things cant be how i want them to be and i just need to work with what i have.
Its hard enough for me to make changes for the better even when im in a good state of mind, but now things just seem impossible to change.
These next weeks are going to be a challenge.
This bothered me.
A lot.
I didnt think i was outwardly expressing how i felt, and by the look of the drawing i am more upset than i had originally thought myself to be.
After contemplating on that for the second half of the day i figured out the why.
Emotion.
Its lacking in my day to day life here. Nothing is really stimulating me to live my life fully. Its all just there, it happens, and then its gone in a passing moment.
Classes aren't expected to be exciting so i cant get anything there.
My room is not a good place to look for emotion other than anger. Nothing useful there.
Frisbee. Back home it was one of the most exciting and stimulating things i did but here its just another thing i do every week. Run the drills, make the plays by the book, passing, running, passing, running. Even my favorite sport isnt cutting it anymore.
People out here just arent making things easy either. Its either i want to hang out with people, but i never get the chance or i dont really know them. Or they want to hang out with me and they're kinda weird and creepy and i dont want to be with them.
I just want to be able to walk out of my room, go down the street and just walk into taylors house to find him on the computer playing WoW and andy yelling at eric because he has no pants on. I want to go to hot bagels when theres nothing to do at night. I want half off apetizers at applebeas. I want to waste my whole day sitting and talking in Capolla's class while trying to put work together for my portfolio.
Things cant be how i want them to be and i just need to work with what i have.
Its hard enough for me to make changes for the better even when im in a good state of mind, but now things just seem impossible to change.
These next weeks are going to be a challenge.