I CAN SEE FOREVER.
Oh god. I took my first adderall pill today. First time in years I'm trying to actually treat my ADHD do I can try and get through school. It's like my brain has woken up, all of a sudden. I'm serious. I can write and write and write, and my finger tips are tingly and I feel GOOD. I feel like all the lights are on and everything's working as one finally.
I want to cry. It's like I've been living in the dark all this time. One pill, the very first one, and it's already starting to seem better. :\ Lets just hope I don't have the side effects I had as a kid from it. I got super aggressive, to aggressive to keep taking the pills. But that's when they were all new, and no one drug was really stable yet. I'm uncomfortable, I'm scared that despite this feeling, I'm not going to be able to continue to take them.
I've read about how much they can help ADHD people with social phobias, and how they can make life actually LIVEABLE. Like holding a job, going to school. Doing all those things that seemed beyond my reach for so long. I want them, I want them so bad. Everyone thinks I'm lazy, or unmotivated. Without a purpose or just plain stupid. I'm none of those things, I'm just so lost inside my own head, that I can't get out to do the things I need to do. I hope, I hope, I hope, that this will help me. Show people that I can function, and not just live, but thrive. I'm so tired of being locked inside my own head. I'm actually crying, I don't want to be stuck here anymore.
Alex and I had a talk, he said that he felt like he was going at 150% and I was going at 50%, and we had to work something out, so I could function normally. I felt like, maybe he was starting to understand. Not fully, not yet. But he saw through the haze a little. That I don't WANT to be like this. I don't want to be so unmotivated in my own life, so incapible of helping myself. I cried in his arms. I told him I was depressed, lost, and didn't know what to do. He told me that I should call my doctor, talk about ADHD medication, like I'd been thinking about for so long. He said just try it, drugs are different from when I was a kid. I'm hoping this was the right thing to do.
In other news, Alex's friend Rob's dog is going to have puppies! (Ugh don't get me started on how I feel about her not being spayed in the first place, just going to focus on the HEY CUTE PUPPIES factor.) She's a black lab, and they suspect the chocolate lab down the street is the sire. So possibly purebreds to boot! I'm going to offer to help them through her pregnancy, and hopefully convince Alex we need a puppy. They should be born and ready to leave their mother in the fall. I'd be so happy to have a puppy around my birthday. I like puppies. I don't even really care if I get to keep one, I just want to be around their wiggly warm bodies, so I'm going to offer to help him any way I can. FORCE MYSELF INTO THE SITUATION.
I lost my ipod too. D: I need to find it, or I fear someone at the airport may have stolen it. Urgh. I hope not. They'll be high disappointed with the amount of actual tolerable (by most people's tastes) music. All of it's foreign Japanese music. HAVE FUN YOU THEIF, BE DAMNED WITH CARMELDANSEN.
Sorry I didn't update about leaving the hospital, kind of got caught up in a whirlwind of bed ridden where I didn't have wifi at my house, and medicine. Took steriods and put on ten pounds. :| Awesome. Trying to loose it now. I'm better now though, but I have to take a bunch of medicine (nasonex, my inhaler, and advair aswell now.) to keep from relapsing. It apperently stemmed from my allergies, a slow drip from my sinuses over months bred the right bacteria in my lungs. Yuck.
Anyway, going to go now and actually try and get school work done.
I want to cry. It's like I've been living in the dark all this time. One pill, the very first one, and it's already starting to seem better. :\ Lets just hope I don't have the side effects I had as a kid from it. I got super aggressive, to aggressive to keep taking the pills. But that's when they were all new, and no one drug was really stable yet. I'm uncomfortable, I'm scared that despite this feeling, I'm not going to be able to continue to take them.
I've read about how much they can help ADHD people with social phobias, and how they can make life actually LIVEABLE. Like holding a job, going to school. Doing all those things that seemed beyond my reach for so long. I want them, I want them so bad. Everyone thinks I'm lazy, or unmotivated. Without a purpose or just plain stupid. I'm none of those things, I'm just so lost inside my own head, that I can't get out to do the things I need to do. I hope, I hope, I hope, that this will help me. Show people that I can function, and not just live, but thrive. I'm so tired of being locked inside my own head. I'm actually crying, I don't want to be stuck here anymore.
Alex and I had a talk, he said that he felt like he was going at 150% and I was going at 50%, and we had to work something out, so I could function normally. I felt like, maybe he was starting to understand. Not fully, not yet. But he saw through the haze a little. That I don't WANT to be like this. I don't want to be so unmotivated in my own life, so incapible of helping myself. I cried in his arms. I told him I was depressed, lost, and didn't know what to do. He told me that I should call my doctor, talk about ADHD medication, like I'd been thinking about for so long. He said just try it, drugs are different from when I was a kid. I'm hoping this was the right thing to do.
In other news, Alex's friend Rob's dog is going to have puppies! (Ugh don't get me started on how I feel about her not being spayed in the first place, just going to focus on the HEY CUTE PUPPIES factor.) She's a black lab, and they suspect the chocolate lab down the street is the sire. So possibly purebreds to boot! I'm going to offer to help them through her pregnancy, and hopefully convince Alex we need a puppy. They should be born and ready to leave their mother in the fall. I'd be so happy to have a puppy around my birthday. I like puppies. I don't even really care if I get to keep one, I just want to be around their wiggly warm bodies, so I'm going to offer to help him any way I can. FORCE MYSELF INTO THE SITUATION.
I lost my ipod too. D: I need to find it, or I fear someone at the airport may have stolen it. Urgh. I hope not. They'll be high disappointed with the amount of actual tolerable (by most people's tastes) music. All of it's foreign Japanese music. HAVE FUN YOU THEIF, BE DAMNED WITH CARMELDANSEN.
Sorry I didn't update about leaving the hospital, kind of got caught up in a whirlwind of bed ridden where I didn't have wifi at my house, and medicine. Took steriods and put on ten pounds. :| Awesome. Trying to loose it now. I'm better now though, but I have to take a bunch of medicine (nasonex, my inhaler, and advair aswell now.) to keep from relapsing. It apperently stemmed from my allergies, a slow drip from my sinuses over months bred the right bacteria in my lungs. Yuck.
Anyway, going to go now and actually try and get school work done.