In the end, we will know...

Sep 20, 2004 00:46

As of now, I know nothing.

I opened the door and my life flashed before my eyes.

It wasn't real.

was it?

Call my name, into you I go, fall asleep and still, nothing.
I'm awake, slightly diluted and afraid.

My mind is so watered down.

I am speechless. I am broken.

I need staples for this, possibly tape for the tattered edges.

I've been floating around, looking for your hand, finding something hollow and stale. It was a broken cigarette, broken in my back pocket.

I wish I could find the words to say everything that I feel, but there are no words. Words are never enough. They leave me dry everytime.

dehydration from lack of substance. there is something lacking here.

I don't know anything.

break it.

open it.

touch it on the inside.

look through it and find what keeps it alive. ugliness exists.

the pain is irrelevant, as your hands graze my skin, so thin, so easily torn.

naked. motionless. paralyzed.

I realized how afraid I am. I realized how insecure and vulnerable I tend to be, when touched.

it aches, inside.

your fingers run across my skin and leave me shattered.

I don't know anything about anything.

sadness fades in and out. the picture is blurry. the storyline is unclear.

I wish I had passion like that. I wish I had talent like that.

I wish I didn't fade into walls.

Sometimes I feel so transparent.

Today, I feel boring and meaningless.

I wish I could show you. I wish you could understand, but I can't even understand. So, what's the point?

There are somethings meant to be misunderstood. I think I am one of those things.

I don't know what I'm talking about. I just have all of these thoughts running through my mind and they won't stop. My head will not shut up. I hate it.

This all sounds so crazy and depressing, but I'm not sad, just crazy.

okay, back to ranting about nothing. I'm not done yet. That was just a quick intermission.

she asked me what I'm afraid of and I didn't know. Nothing particular came to mind, but I remember now. I'm afraid of being happy.

I take comfort in being completely uncomfortable.

However, I will not be afraid. I won't let myself sabotage this. I will be safe. I will open my arms and be okay.

I'm a risk, a big one.

I'm unstable. I'm distant. I can be completely unemotional and emotional at the same time. I'm perpetually unhappy, detached from reality and I will always feel alone.

I lose everything. Why? Because I'm clumsy.

I want to make her a cd, but I'm so anal about the songs and the order. I never finish. Maybe that says something about me.

enter, confusion. 1:27am, eyes wide open.

I remember...
I remember...
I remember...

but I lost it and I don't care.

I found something else. I want to stick it in my back pocket, because that's where I keep everything I need.

I hope it's everything. I hope it's real. I hope it stays.

so, why am I going so crazy? Because I'm happy. I'm feeling things again.

I don't crave the physical. it's emotional from here on...

vulnerability is the devil... and I'm so vulnerable right now. it's making me sick.

so, I'm going to shut the fuck up.
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