(no subject)
So, I was doing pretty well mentally (key words "pretty well") and then, it just all seemed to fall apart a couple of days ago. Now I don't know what the fuck is going on with me. I've been pretty out of it for the last two days. I went to Krysty's yesterday and the general concensus was that I looked fucked up. The dark circles around my eyes are taking over my face. I think I've lost more weight and I just feel all achey and worn out. I think crying for long periods of time will do that to a person. It's probably PMS. I've been getting really mental during that time of the month. It's probably because my body is preparing for menopause (since I'm getting old now.) However, I feel as cracked out as I look. So, maybe I should take it easy for a couple days. Haha, that won't happen. This is going to be my last weekend here for a long time and my parents are going out of town. What does that mean? Partayyy. Haha, I'm thinking I should lay off the drizugs and just get drunk. It's been a while. Pot has been making me super crazy lately. I either act like an evil little 8 year old and make fun of people or get really depressing and cynical. I mean, there's probably a happy medium in there somewhere, but I think I should just drink some berr and jump on the trampoline. We will see.
So, yes, I have this huge issue going on in my mind. I don't understand why I'm getting so upset just because we're talking again. I don't want to be with her. I KNOW that for a fact. I'll never go down the road again. The past is in the past and that's where it will stay. When I talk to her, everything just pours out of me and I just cry and cry and cry... I don't understand. I tried to explain it to some people, but I don't even understand. It's not like I'm in love anymore or that I'm having these hopes of a reunion. Things are oh so very different now. She's happy and I'm happy for her. I'm _________ and I don't really mind it. I put a blank there, because there are no words to describe me right now. I'm just pretty much all over the place. (happy, sad, crazy, sane, all of the above) I have all of these things to look forward to and none of them involve her. So, why do I get so upset? Maybe it's just because I can talk to her and I feel comfortable talking to her about problems and whatnot. So, in that context, she is a friend and I needed to get some shit out of my system. I have no idea. I know I need to calm the fuck down. When I talk to her, I think I say things that I don't really mean, because I get so emotional that things that I don't even think about come out. It makes me feel really pathetic and small. Then I snap out of it and I'm like "SHIT" why do I have to be such an emotional loser. I think I need to play it sober for a couple days and work my emotions out. Then, party hardy when the parents go away.
I haven't talked to Staci in a couple days. I feel bad about it. Krysty said that she doesn't think I like her. This makes me sad, because I know how I treat her and maybe she's more sensitive then I'd like to believe. I'm just leaving so soon and I don't have time to console (not that I think she needs consoling.) I don't know what I'm talking about. I guess I'll give her a call tonight and see what's up.
Ohhh and good news, I FINALLY talked to my mom about the apartment. I put that off for such a long time. She was totally fine with it. She is going to give me 1500$ when I leave and that should cover first months rent and all of that business. And then at the end of september I'll get a hefty refund check. Oh, I enjoy money so much. I'm hoping that she'll buy me some furniture. I'm thinking that she will.
Oh and what do we think of me, on this little ditty?
HOT. Haha, It's about 900$ and it goes up to 55 mph. So, if we get that place in the U District, I can cruise around on this little baby. I'm thinking red or pink.
So, yes, I need to go make lunch for the children. Oh, how I love babysitting.
later yins.