the greatest.

Feb 22, 2007 14:09

Run, run, running and never caught.

I betcha thought if I could run that fast, I'd be a runner for life.

One. I love you, but I can't do it.
Two. I love you, but I can't risk losing you.
Three. You're a slut for all the wrong reasons.
Four. You were never mine in the first place.
Five. You're too out of control.
Six. You don't really want me. It just seems like a good idea.
Seven. You don't even know me.
Eight. I can't go back.

All the reasons I feel dirty and can never get clean. All the reasons it aches to see you and you and you.

I followed those hearts, five blocks, in the rain and it led me to nothing. I stood there and felt sorry for you.

Great. The greatest thing in the world. It's gone now.

Trust. No, not you. When it came down to it, you just wanted me to feel guilty. To fall into you, because you wanted me to feel wrong.

G-g-g-guilt. Gulp. How do I get away from it all?

I've spent the last few days alone, mostly. It's been an interesting change of pace. I can't sit still, but I don't want to move. Not anymore. I'm tired, now.

I know you won't understand this. I know you wouldn't even try. It's a lot easier to put the blame on somebody else rather than to realize that what you want is wrong. Wrong meaning not right. Not okay. Nonexistent.

Who is it? Can you imagine where I am right now? Do you even know what's left? No. You won't even look. None of you.

It makes me sick. The way people look at me. It makes me physically sick. Come here. Gimme me hug. Grab on. Make some stupid, snide comment. Got it. I got it. I know where I place in this race. But do you know where I'd place you?

Hm, I don't even know who the 'you' is. It's gotten too blurry. The you is maybe a metaphor for something much harder to talk about. Something that this guilt won't let me talk about.

It's brilliant, yeah? Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck all of you. For not looking. For not caring. For being so oblivious to everything that matters. You've made me into something that I've never wanted to be. Well, I can't blame anyone else. I put myself here. But don't get me wrong. It's not the worst. It's not the best, but it's definitely not the worst. I could be you or you or you.

I'm not sure where to go with this. I hate writing in this thing, but, I guess, it makes me feel a little less silent. I've been really, really quiet for so long now. Even when they were pushing, I was, I was silent.

My biggest critics say that my silence is what makes everything so hard for me. I show no emotion. I wasn't always this way. Or well, maybe that's not true. Maybe this is how I am. So, trying to fix it won't get you anywhere. Or maybe it's just not you. You can't fix it. I want to be emotional. I want to feel that freedom, but I can't. Why? Because I feel so guilty that I don't feel what you want me to feel. So, I'm paralyzed. I'm stuck.

These are all the reasons that I'm done. And I'm sorry that things didn't work out like planned. I didn't see it coming. I guess I just wasn't looking.

I want things to be better. So, I have to say no now. No, because I know that you only want me for one thing. It's not the me that you want. It's the security of having a 'me.' But I need me now.

Who woulda thunk it? For once, I don't need a you. You don't help. You make it worse. And you, well, you will never recognize that and change it for the better. You will never open up and see the me in you. Or in us. Or just really the 'me' in me. So, adios folks of the 'you' breed.

This is where it gets really quiet.

one through eight. yeah, you're all the greatest.

go ahead, tell me another lie.
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