it's better to burn out than to fade away
i really should be sleeping. it'll only be harder for me to wake up in the morning. today i had the most horrible...painful cramps. it was a throwback from highschool and middle school where it would hurt so bad i'd just curl up in pain. i was expecting this. it's better than an infection and i am highly relieved.
chris was swimming outside while i watched this documentary on lisa "left eye" lopes. it was pretty awesome. sucked me right in. it was all filmed right before she died. in fact it lasted up until the last second of her life. right as the car swerved and everyone screamed. the camera blurred and that was it. most of the documentary was about her experiences and thoughts. and normally, for me to watch something like this, i would develop some sort of judgemental or condescending opinions of the person or their ideas, but instead i felt more like she had a grasp on reality. she didn't apologize and everything she said or did was justified. she didn't sound biased or guilt ridden. she was very much so in her head and her thoughts were clear. and the creepy part was that maybe all this level headedness and clear thinking was due to the fact that her time was almost over and she had this unconscious knowledge that it was true. days before she died the car she was in struck and killed a little boy. the little boy's last name was lopes. it was pretty crazy i guess in a coincidental kind of way.
i guess i just found it so interesting cuz i often think about death and life to myself. it's a popular topic in the confines of my head and i really believe that when you kind of just take life as it is. become well acquainted to the mannerisms that is life and reality and there's no extra baggage. you've been got...by you. that it's sort of like an enlightenment thus no longer requiring you to stay here.
i'm at a crossroads again with a cluster of different feelings and different qualms. moving back with my dad and it should make me ecstatic and i am. no more long travels to normal places. more gas in my car. a parking spot with my name on it. dad. sammy. a backyard. clawrissa. as much as my mom and i may do or don't get along it's still gonna be hard to leave. i finally started feeling comfortable enough here to call it home. i sort of feel like a stranger in my dad's house. so many things have changed no matter how subtle. my biggest battle with my self is always my time management. i always wish to make more time for the important people in my life but i never get around to it. and it's because i think about death entirely too much that this leaves me guilt stricken and horrified almost all the time. it's just so depressing and imprisoning. i shut people out so easily. i write people off all the time that i really do have a limited amount of important people in my life. i don't mind. i think i like it this way. but it's quite the disadvantage if everything were to fall apart. a tragedy i fear and toy with in my mind all the time. and as much as i enjoy to be alone i honestly don't think i could ever live without those people.
chris was swimming outside while i watched this documentary on lisa "left eye" lopes. it was pretty awesome. sucked me right in. it was all filmed right before she died. in fact it lasted up until the last second of her life. right as the car swerved and everyone screamed. the camera blurred and that was it. most of the documentary was about her experiences and thoughts. and normally, for me to watch something like this, i would develop some sort of judgemental or condescending opinions of the person or their ideas, but instead i felt more like she had a grasp on reality. she didn't apologize and everything she said or did was justified. she didn't sound biased or guilt ridden. she was very much so in her head and her thoughts were clear. and the creepy part was that maybe all this level headedness and clear thinking was due to the fact that her time was almost over and she had this unconscious knowledge that it was true. days before she died the car she was in struck and killed a little boy. the little boy's last name was lopes. it was pretty crazy i guess in a coincidental kind of way.
i guess i just found it so interesting cuz i often think about death and life to myself. it's a popular topic in the confines of my head and i really believe that when you kind of just take life as it is. become well acquainted to the mannerisms that is life and reality and there's no extra baggage. you've been got...by you. that it's sort of like an enlightenment thus no longer requiring you to stay here.
i'm at a crossroads again with a cluster of different feelings and different qualms. moving back with my dad and it should make me ecstatic and i am. no more long travels to normal places. more gas in my car. a parking spot with my name on it. dad. sammy. a backyard. clawrissa. as much as my mom and i may do or don't get along it's still gonna be hard to leave. i finally started feeling comfortable enough here to call it home. i sort of feel like a stranger in my dad's house. so many things have changed no matter how subtle. my biggest battle with my self is always my time management. i always wish to make more time for the important people in my life but i never get around to it. and it's because i think about death entirely too much that this leaves me guilt stricken and horrified almost all the time. it's just so depressing and imprisoning. i shut people out so easily. i write people off all the time that i really do have a limited amount of important people in my life. i don't mind. i think i like it this way. but it's quite the disadvantage if everything were to fall apart. a tragedy i fear and toy with in my mind all the time. and as much as i enjoy to be alone i honestly don't think i could ever live without those people.