stretch armstrong
i feel stretched so thin. i want to spend more time with my dad. i don't know why this is so difficult for me. i spend an awful lot of time with chris, but i always want to spend more. and i want time to myself. time, in which, i never really feel like i have.
i miss my dad so much. tonite when i left after maybe an hour visit that included dinner i felt torn apart as i backed out the drive way. the house i grew up in doesn't feel like my house anymore. i think i could exchange my big new room for the tiny one back at home. i still don't call this home. i always hesitate.
i thought i could spend all this quality time with my dad while my mom had her boyfriend. unfortunately, her boyfriend is never around and she is overwhelmingly needy. she's so passive aggressive. one minute pushing me to do something great and the next pulling me back because she can't handle being alone. once february comes her boyfriend will be gone for a while and i'll be the only one she has. it's frustrating. but i hope that since she'll be starting classes that i'll get more of that me time and she won't cling to me in my off time.
i feel so selfish. i always have intentions of making time for my dad, but they always fall through because chris will call or i sleep too late. my dad shouldn't be last on my list of priorities. he should be first because i am always first on his. and i know for sure my world would fall apart if he were to disappear and become only a faint memory. and that is, by far, my worst fear. most people think they, themselves, as dying to be their worst fear. i'm not afraid of dying or what happens after i die. my biggest nightmares are losing the people closest to me.
since december and the death of my cousin's baby i am constantly thinking about the chances of losing them. it's stressing me out. i can feel myself shrinking and just sort of crumbling. when i really don't have an inkling of evidence that something will happen to them. it's just fear and it mocks me every minute of every day. so much that all i wanna do is push forward and get things done quickly so that everyone will get to see all the important climactic events that they should be there to see.
i told you. i'm going crazy.
i miss my dad so much. tonite when i left after maybe an hour visit that included dinner i felt torn apart as i backed out the drive way. the house i grew up in doesn't feel like my house anymore. i think i could exchange my big new room for the tiny one back at home. i still don't call this home. i always hesitate.
i thought i could spend all this quality time with my dad while my mom had her boyfriend. unfortunately, her boyfriend is never around and she is overwhelmingly needy. she's so passive aggressive. one minute pushing me to do something great and the next pulling me back because she can't handle being alone. once february comes her boyfriend will be gone for a while and i'll be the only one she has. it's frustrating. but i hope that since she'll be starting classes that i'll get more of that me time and she won't cling to me in my off time.
i feel so selfish. i always have intentions of making time for my dad, but they always fall through because chris will call or i sleep too late. my dad shouldn't be last on my list of priorities. he should be first because i am always first on his. and i know for sure my world would fall apart if he were to disappear and become only a faint memory. and that is, by far, my worst fear. most people think they, themselves, as dying to be their worst fear. i'm not afraid of dying or what happens after i die. my biggest nightmares are losing the people closest to me.
since december and the death of my cousin's baby i am constantly thinking about the chances of losing them. it's stressing me out. i can feel myself shrinking and just sort of crumbling. when i really don't have an inkling of evidence that something will happen to them. it's just fear and it mocks me every minute of every day. so much that all i wanna do is push forward and get things done quickly so that everyone will get to see all the important climactic events that they should be there to see.
i told you. i'm going crazy.