Escape
Taeyeon was done.
She couldn’t handle it anymore. She didn’t exactly cripple under the immense pressure. It was more like she had been carrying the weight of the sky on her shoulders for four years too long. Taeyeon wasn’t strong. Finally, she had been crushed to the ground by the sky.
The sky, acting as a metaphor for her duties as the leader of So Nyuh Shi Dae.
She had eight girls to look after. Eight, very different girls. All helpless in their own way. Only Taeyeon knew how helpless they actually were behind those upbeat façades.
Sooyeon was icy cold; she never liked talking about her problems or talking in general, really. Taeyeon knew that the American-born girl dealt with the pain of too many broken hearts in a too short amount of time. About sixteen, to be exact--and that was only in the past months. Sooyeon fell in love too easily, and as a result, she was prone to get hurt easily. The mad cycle continued, as all cycles tended to do--be continuous. And Taeyeon could do nothing to stop this. Taeyeon could do nothing to save her friend from despair.
Soonkyu believed she was the most disliked member. Her aegyo was her only winning point; without that, what did she have? Vocals? (So did Taeyeon and Sooyeon.) Looks? (Yoona and Sooyoung possessed that.) Charm? (Hyoyeon.) She suffered greatly from these confidence issues, thinking that she was incapable of doing much, that she couldn’t do anything, that she was useless. Taeyeon attempted time and time again to make Soonkyu see how talented she was. Anyone who knew her, however, knew she was stubborn to a fault.
Miyoung was, in truth, an extremely lonely girl. The loss of her mother when she was young dealt a hard blow. The relatively (secret) recent loss of her father worsened Miyoung on the inside. Everyone she loved was leaving. The seven other girls didn’t know why the usually happy ball of sunshine cried herself to sleep for the last year. But she did, and she continued to do so. Taeyeon was distraught because despite all this, Miyoung didn’t confide in anyone. She didn’t turn to anyone for advice, guidance, wisdom. Miyoung preferred isolation.
Hyoyeon had a different matter on her hands. She, for the very first time, was in love. It was the precise reason she transformed her appearance. It was the reason she practiced dancing even harder. It was the reason she pushed herself to her limits to become his ideal. Taeyeon wanted to cry; Hyoyeon was trying so desperately to become something she thought Lee Hyukjae wanted, when she already was what he wanted. She was only putting more distance between them, straying farther away from him. Taeyeon pleaded; Hyoyeon never listened.
Yuri was living in the shadow of her past self. She was constantly reminded of the Yuri back then, and her numerous mistakes and choices. Kwon Yuri didn’t wish to be Kwon Yuri; she wished to be simply, SNSD’s sexy girl, Yuri. A new Yuri was born then, one with a flat stomach, toned abs, beautiful legs, a mature personality, and a stunning new look. With this, she thought she would be beautiful. And if she was beautiful, she would be loved. (You already are, Yuri-ah!) At least, Taeyeon tried. Tried and tried and tried. And failed.
Sooyoung had a bad habit of giving everything up to the others. She played down her dancing skills so Hyoyeon and Yuri had the chance to shine. She did her best to not appear in any photoshoots so Sooyeon and Yoona would be known as the pretty ones. She rejected being on We Got Married two years ago in favor of Joohyun; the maknae would get more exposure that way. She purposely turned down singing parts so Taeyeon, Miyoung, and Soonkyu could have them. At first, it seemed like generosity, but Sooyoung was unrelenting in this habit of hers. She found herself, unintentionally, left with nothing.
Yoona hated herself for so many (unreasonable) reasons. She hated herself for being forced to stand in the middle in group shots. (She apologized every time it happened.) She hated herself for being offered the most CFs, photoshoots, and roles in dramas. (She shared the money she made with the girls.) She hated herself for being considered the most beautiful, therefore, shoving eight other equally gorgeous girls behind her. (They shrugged it off, not caring much.) She hated herself for being a bad asset to SNSD. (They assured her that it wouldn’t be SNSD without Yoona.) She hated herself for holding everyone back.
Joohyun had no particular problem troubling her. She was naturally a calm person. But Joohyun was intelligent and intuitive, so it wasn’t a surprise that she figured out the unnies were all struggling, crying, and broken. She had picked this up a while ago, and kept it to herself, even from Taeyeon-unnie. The leader discovered that Joohyun knew, though, being the leader she was. Taeyeon felt sorry for the kid, who wanted to help--it was evident in Joohyun’s eyes--but didn’t know to do to help. Joohyun only watched eight girls slowly fall to pieces and crumble like perfect sculptures being smashed. In Taeyeon’s opinion, this was the worst position to be in.
The only thing Taeyeon desired most at the moment was to escape. She needed to escape from the pressures of being the so-called leader. Perhaps she was being a bit selfish, leaving her sisters and friends behind.
But wouldn’t they be better off without her?
She was never that good of a leader anyway.
Not like Jungsu, who led eleven boys, then twelve, then eleven, then ten, then nine, then eight; somewhere in that mix, two foreign boys were groping around in the dark, trying to find their place. Jungsu also had to cope with the pain of losing members.
Not like Jiyong, Yunho, heck, even all the rookie group leaders.
She was just a kid, leading eight other lost kids.
Where was the hope in that?