The Great Depression
It feels so weird. A lot of things have been happening in my life and I'm on a depressed stage right now I barely noticed them. I'm not really expecting any miracles anymore. These things, they're not called problems because for me, problems have solutions. These things don't have solutions, they are permanent cracks in my life. No matter what I do, they won't go off and I can only stare helplessly.
RANT OF A LIFETIME. TAT
First, I just graduated last April and now I'm on the list of fresh bums. Yes, my sisters and I have agreed I can stay jobless as long as I want, no pressure. But I feel lonely. For three whole weeks, I was not able to touch ground outside my house. Not a single second, not even in our yard. For three weeks, I was covered with walls. I could have, really. I have enough money to go shopping, I have places I can use as hang outs. But it's already the rainy season here in the Philippines. My sisters leave everyday for their jobs and my brother's claimed the whole weekdays for his escapades with his friends. If I leave too and there comes a great flood (our place is very low, very prone to flood), the dogs will surely drown... and our things (too many for a family of four, screams of OVER-AFFLUENCE) will have to swim their way out of the house.
I didn't notice this at first because I was enjoying the house being all to myself and all. But then, I started missing my friends, I started missing people. I realized too that for those two weeks, I only met my family... well, duh. Still, I don't like this one bit. I miss wasting money. I miss the smell of car smoke. I miss using my legs to go somewhere.
Then there's the issue about my brother. Oh, just the thought of it gives me headaches. Said escapades with friends are getting to a whole new level. You see, we're not like other kids who have lenient parents. My sisters give us everything we want, everything we need. But one of their many rules is that WE ARE NOT TO GO HOME LATE. Most kids that belong to our kind of lifestyle, their lives start when the clock strikes 12am. Parties, overnight activities over at a friend's house. These are BIG, as in BIG, no-no's to our sisters. I remember I used get so angry at them for this rule I always rant to my friends. But when they asked me "after all of your complaints, how come you're not rebelling?", I don't have an answer. I know they know it's not because I'm scared of my sisters. But even I am not sure why EXACTLY. I only realized now, it's because I know they are scared, worried the next thing they'd hear from us is that we're in a morgue somewhere mutilated, almost unidentifiable. No, no. This is not the awww-they-love-me realization. I knew that already. It's the fact that old people cannot afford to worry anymore because... well, their bodies are not strong enough to handle such trauma. You may interpret this now as my pity for them but you might not be able to imagine me pitying myself if they ever... go because of this petty reason. I know, in the end I'm still selfish. I'm just being practical. Who wants to have even one of their family members gone? No one.
Now, if only my brother would see this and everything will be okay. Of course he won't. He's young, he's having the time of his life. He has the right amount of ammo to counter our attempts to get him back home before the next sunrise, alive no less. This just sucks. I mean, I wouldn't have cared if I'm the only one worrying my head off. GGGRRRRRHHHHHH.
I have a whole lot more on my shoulders but my brain is in a mess I can't think straight. I'm just sad.
On a lighter (no, not really) note, I finished watching Yamapi's drama last Friday. I only really watched it because of Chinen Yuri. I'm in love with that kid. But the plot got me going. I'm not really sure why others didn't like this drama, maybe because it's quite on the heavy side, but I loved it. So many times I cried for the simplest reason, someone said something that struck me. Yeah, it was good. Especially when things were nearing their conclusion and people close to the main characters were starting to die. I learned a lot too. But the best realization for me is that YAMAPI IS GOOD LOOKING. LOL.
And then last Sunday, I was watching this Asian channel on TV. There was this Japanese movie playing and I got kind of hooked. Ringo's Restaurant which was very good. My sisters didn't like it, my friends didn't understand it much, so I was alone in the appreciation corner.
But what got me so happy is the fact that I will definitely, seriously DEFINITELY, recognize Shida Mirai anywhere. I love that girl so much. She's good at what she does but she can keep the image of a down-to-earth girl.
Oh well, I was not really supposed to do this because I have that nagging belief that ranting is bad for one's health. But really, I'd rather do this than wait for my head and heart to explode.
RANT OF A LIFETIME. TAT
First, I just graduated last April and now I'm on the list of fresh bums. Yes, my sisters and I have agreed I can stay jobless as long as I want, no pressure. But I feel lonely. For three whole weeks, I was not able to touch ground outside my house. Not a single second, not even in our yard. For three weeks, I was covered with walls. I could have, really. I have enough money to go shopping, I have places I can use as hang outs. But it's already the rainy season here in the Philippines. My sisters leave everyday for their jobs and my brother's claimed the whole weekdays for his escapades with his friends. If I leave too and there comes a great flood (our place is very low, very prone to flood), the dogs will surely drown... and our things (too many for a family of four, screams of OVER-AFFLUENCE) will have to swim their way out of the house.
I didn't notice this at first because I was enjoying the house being all to myself and all. But then, I started missing my friends, I started missing people. I realized too that for those two weeks, I only met my family... well, duh. Still, I don't like this one bit. I miss wasting money. I miss the smell of car smoke. I miss using my legs to go somewhere.
Then there's the issue about my brother. Oh, just the thought of it gives me headaches. Said escapades with friends are getting to a whole new level. You see, we're not like other kids who have lenient parents. My sisters give us everything we want, everything we need. But one of their many rules is that WE ARE NOT TO GO HOME LATE. Most kids that belong to our kind of lifestyle, their lives start when the clock strikes 12am. Parties, overnight activities over at a friend's house. These are BIG, as in BIG, no-no's to our sisters. I remember I used get so angry at them for this rule I always rant to my friends. But when they asked me "after all of your complaints, how come you're not rebelling?", I don't have an answer. I know they know it's not because I'm scared of my sisters. But even I am not sure why EXACTLY. I only realized now, it's because I know they are scared, worried the next thing they'd hear from us is that we're in a morgue somewhere mutilated, almost unidentifiable. No, no. This is not the awww-they-love-me realization. I knew that already. It's the fact that old people cannot afford to worry anymore because... well, their bodies are not strong enough to handle such trauma. You may interpret this now as my pity for them but you might not be able to imagine me pitying myself if they ever... go because of this petty reason. I know, in the end I'm still selfish. I'm just being practical. Who wants to have even one of their family members gone? No one.
Now, if only my brother would see this and everything will be okay. Of course he won't. He's young, he's having the time of his life. He has the right amount of ammo to counter our attempts to get him back home before the next sunrise, alive no less. This just sucks. I mean, I wouldn't have cared if I'm the only one worrying my head off. GGGRRRRRHHHHHH.
I have a whole lot more on my shoulders but my brain is in a mess I can't think straight. I'm just sad.
On a lighter (no, not really) note, I finished watching Yamapi's drama last Friday. I only really watched it because of Chinen Yuri. I'm in love with that kid. But the plot got me going. I'm not really sure why others didn't like this drama, maybe because it's quite on the heavy side, but I loved it. So many times I cried for the simplest reason, someone said something that struck me. Yeah, it was good. Especially when things were nearing their conclusion and people close to the main characters were starting to die. I learned a lot too. But the best realization for me is that YAMAPI IS GOOD LOOKING. LOL.
And then last Sunday, I was watching this Asian channel on TV. There was this Japanese movie playing and I got kind of hooked. Ringo's Restaurant which was very good. My sisters didn't like it, my friends didn't understand it much, so I was alone in the appreciation corner.
But what got me so happy is the fact that I will definitely, seriously DEFINITELY, recognize Shida Mirai anywhere. I love that girl so much. She's good at what she does but she can keep the image of a down-to-earth girl.
Oh well, I was not really supposed to do this because I have that nagging belief that ranting is bad for one's health. But really, I'd rather do this than wait for my head and heart to explode.