I'll hold on hope
in the absence of my health I've been doing a lot of thinking.
I spent a good deal of time yesterday, on my couch, in my bathrobe, crying. I was talking to a friend on facebook chat, because apparently this is the way friends communicate about important things these days, about how he was tired of life and he wanted to end his. He wouldn't let me help him. He wouldn't let me come see him, call him, or try to convince him that he had a choice. Then finally his story turned down a cruel road. He started telling me that he's always lied to me. That he doesn't need help. That he's just a cold individual who I shouldn't associate with.
what the fuck?
I felt a bit like a used dishrag. How could he put me through all of that? Also, if he wasn't lying and was just trying to get me to stop caring for him, why? why would he do that to himself?
I could not understand, or wouldn't, or shouldn't. I'm not sure. But the rest of the day felt like I was trapped in a dark hole trying to climb out, and an uncomfortable feeling of regret nestled in my heart, and stayed there.
honestly I don't know what I would do if someone else that I cared for ended their life. dealing with Adam's death was, and still is one of the most confusing and awful experiences of my life, next to Ira's murder.
all I can think is what am I supposed to do?
I feel really lost.
I spent a good deal of time yesterday, on my couch, in my bathrobe, crying. I was talking to a friend on facebook chat, because apparently this is the way friends communicate about important things these days, about how he was tired of life and he wanted to end his. He wouldn't let me help him. He wouldn't let me come see him, call him, or try to convince him that he had a choice. Then finally his story turned down a cruel road. He started telling me that he's always lied to me. That he doesn't need help. That he's just a cold individual who I shouldn't associate with.
what the fuck?
I felt a bit like a used dishrag. How could he put me through all of that? Also, if he wasn't lying and was just trying to get me to stop caring for him, why? why would he do that to himself?
I could not understand, or wouldn't, or shouldn't. I'm not sure. But the rest of the day felt like I was trapped in a dark hole trying to climb out, and an uncomfortable feeling of regret nestled in my heart, and stayed there.
honestly I don't know what I would do if someone else that I cared for ended their life. dealing with Adam's death was, and still is one of the most confusing and awful experiences of my life, next to Ira's murder.
all I can think is what am I supposed to do?
I feel really lost.