A series of epiphany's. That should be lifes nickname- epiphany.
Well, I have not updated in awhile. It always seems that I feel the urge to update whenever I’m feeling “emo,” or something that is going on that would make anyone “emo.” Ugh. So, I’m sure most of you are like thinking “Wow. Brittany is such a loser. She is so emo ALL the time.” Well, just to inform you, I am not. I am actually a pretty happy person. Lately I have also been pretty, optimistic. It’s just when I let things stay inside of me and build up… then I break. And I always break to this stupid livejournal. For the world to see. But I guess, it’s okay. Considering most of you are probably not ever “updated” on my life any other way but through this…website. So enough of that jibber jabber.
Last time I updated, I believe all that was said was what happened with “that guy” and his sister. Well, he is in juvenile hall or whatever it’s called. “Jail for idiot young kids” Well, he is there until the judge can see him, and that wont be until sometime late October, so he is screwed either way. When the judge finally gets to see him, I am sure he’ll be sent to “big boy prison” where he belongs… Even though this whole thing is so messed up, my heart still hurts for him. It still catches me off guard every time I think about it. I mean, it makes since, but at the same time… it doesn’t. Just the fact that this is the 2nd person I’ve met that turned out to be some kind of sick twisted ass, that does things involving young children, really makes me feel not only angry but sad. I don’t get it. But, reality is… he did it. Whether its so sick I don’t want to believe it, or not. He did a SERIOUS sick crime… and he is going to pay for it. I’m kind of glad this is happening to him, because of all the crap that he put not only his little sister through, but also me. Not to be selfish or take attention off of this little girl that has to go through some CRAZY horrible things for the rest of her life and she is a LOT younger than me, I’m just trying to make a point, so don’t take that wrong. It’s just; he did some pretty evil crap to me also, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. And I hate that I still have a concern for him… I wish that I could just sit back and laugh and feel totally good about the fact that he is behind bars for the rest of his life pretty much, but I cant. And I can only show the world that I’m “happy” about him getting what he is getting for so long, before I finally…yeah. Do what I’m doing now. Lol :-/. It just makes me so sad to see that someone threw not only his life away, but threw away any hope that he had. He threw away any good things that people may have remembered him for, he traded all of his, although there were few, but all of his positive and awesome characteristics. He threw away a perfectly good life that God intended to have a purpose for much more than what he made out of it. And it pisses me off, and makes me cry at the same time. I’m not sitting here saying I have feelings for this person; I would DIE before I felt anything in my heart for him in anyway more than a “friend through Christ.” TRUST ME! It’s just that I guess that is the kind of person I am when it comes to people. I care for them, no matter the circumstances, whether that person knows I care about them or not, I do. I am a caring person. But that’s just where I stand on that whole issue.
Last Thursday I went into the emergency room around 9am with some crazy crappy oh my goodness deadly pains in my like lower side on the left. It wasn’t cramping, it wasn’t muscle pain; It was serious pain. And if you know me, you know I don’t like hospitals. So to actually go into the ER; yeah I WAS in pain. Well, to make a long story short. It turned out I had a cyst on my ovary. And you males are probably like “AHH! What the heck is an ovary??” well, it is something you don’t have. J It’s a part in the female reproductive system. Yadda yadda. Well so, that cyst burst. Nothing you can do about it, I didn’t die, and it’s not deadly. It’s just painful! So, my ovaries are FINALLY starting to feel better. Thank God! That was really painful crap! L So that is my ovary story.
So, my birthday is coming up. And I’ve gone through this same thing every year since I was like I don’t even know 10 or something… but I am really starting to get tired of it. I sit around by the phone, and I make sure that I check the mail, NOONE else, only me, and the first thing I do when I get home is ask my mom if anyone has called for me. I’m tired of working myself up, just to be let down. I try SO hard to just, forget about it. And have a good time and enjoy what is going on, etc etc I just find it hard to do when no matter what I’m always thinking about my dad. I’m always thinking that one-day… things will be “normal.” I will have those “father daughter outings” and I will have my dad to come in and kiss me on the forehead, and tell me how much he loves me and tell me how proud he is of me, and tell me how beautiful he thinks I am, and tell me that if Blake hurts me that he will kill him, and tell me that I’ll always be his little girl and he will love me no matter what…blah blah. I know it’s all just a bunch of dreaming. And I know it’s all just a bunch of…whatever’s. It’d just be nice, to get a little note. One birthday, I want him to remember that, that was the day that HIS daughter, was born. I want him to remember that the life he helped create is breathing… and feeling. I want him to just give me closure. If nothing else, I want to know that he doesn’t think about me, or he doesn’t want a relationship, or that he moving on…or something. I don’t know. This is all just a bunch of me rambling on and on, hoping to sort my thoughts out. It’s easier to do it to the world even though I could care less what they think, it just makes it easier for me to sort out…because I think I’m actually talking to someone. And I like doing it on this, because you don’t have to worry about making someone mad or something. I use to care about livejournals making people upset or mad or whatever, but now its my feelings and its my JOURNAL, and if you don’t like what I have to say, cool! J And writing it on a piece of paper doesn’t help me because I know that all I’m going to do is throw it away and so I just write nothing but angry thoughts that get me nowhere! I don’t actually think about how I feel, or what I’m thinking. I know that is probably just made me sound like a total idiot. But I know what I’m saying. So yay! Anyways, enough with all that nonsense.
So, I was doing really well for a few weeks with not being so like… short fuse with my mom. But lately some of the things that she has done or said, really piss me off. Like, she wants me to talk about how I am feeling about my dad and whatnot, but then she gets mad at me and says that I’m not thankful for what she provides for me, and so she says “I’m just not going to throw you a party then. Maybe your dad will call if you have one less thing!” Ok! WTF? I didn’t even say that I wasn’t thankful for her, its not that at all. It’s just, my dad is a part of me. Maybe it’d be one thing if I NEVER knew him or I never had a period of my life with him, or something. But there were years that I was “daddies little girl” and to just get something like that stolen from a child with no explanation, with no NOTHING, how and the heck am I suppose to be acting!? Ugh! She makes me so angry. I don’t care if she is mentally slow, that doesn’t impair her from common sense! She still has the ability to talk about what she think she is doing in my life than she can do it. She can grow up a little bit and realize that I’m only 16 (almost 17) years old, and so what if I don’t understand. So what if I want my dad back. I’m being normal. Does she want me to be mean and hateful? Because it’s either be sad about it, and slowly heal, or be completely angry and do or say things that I will regret. I’m still kind of young. Grr! I don’t know. She makes me so frustrated. It’s just another bump in the road. I will get over it. My life still has a long road ahead of me, I’m not going to let this little bump keep me from seeking out what amazing things life has in store for me.
There is much more I’m feeling. I just don’t feel like it’s appropriate to talk about them on a…website. I still need to have time to, get these feelings straight. I don’t even know what I am feeling half of the time. So why even try to get them out. Anyways.
Well, I am doing awesome in school. I’m building on new friendships. And building on to the old. Slowly but surely I’m sure I will start to feel better about where I am going. I feel pretty good. I just like to be cautious. I like to realize mistakes, and fix them, learn and grow. Well I better go this is a RELLY long entry. And I better do my homework.
I love each and every one of you. Don’t forget it. You all have a special place in my heart. And you all have a piece to my puzzle I call life. And that is an irreplaceable piece. Unique and special in every way, you all add a different meaning to my life. You all have impacted my life in some kind of way, in a way that makes me who I am. And I thank you.
Love Always,
Brittany Michelle
Last time I updated, I believe all that was said was what happened with “that guy” and his sister. Well, he is in juvenile hall or whatever it’s called. “Jail for idiot young kids” Well, he is there until the judge can see him, and that wont be until sometime late October, so he is screwed either way. When the judge finally gets to see him, I am sure he’ll be sent to “big boy prison” where he belongs… Even though this whole thing is so messed up, my heart still hurts for him. It still catches me off guard every time I think about it. I mean, it makes since, but at the same time… it doesn’t. Just the fact that this is the 2nd person I’ve met that turned out to be some kind of sick twisted ass, that does things involving young children, really makes me feel not only angry but sad. I don’t get it. But, reality is… he did it. Whether its so sick I don’t want to believe it, or not. He did a SERIOUS sick crime… and he is going to pay for it. I’m kind of glad this is happening to him, because of all the crap that he put not only his little sister through, but also me. Not to be selfish or take attention off of this little girl that has to go through some CRAZY horrible things for the rest of her life and she is a LOT younger than me, I’m just trying to make a point, so don’t take that wrong. It’s just; he did some pretty evil crap to me also, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. And I hate that I still have a concern for him… I wish that I could just sit back and laugh and feel totally good about the fact that he is behind bars for the rest of his life pretty much, but I cant. And I can only show the world that I’m “happy” about him getting what he is getting for so long, before I finally…yeah. Do what I’m doing now. Lol :-/. It just makes me so sad to see that someone threw not only his life away, but threw away any hope that he had. He threw away any good things that people may have remembered him for, he traded all of his, although there were few, but all of his positive and awesome characteristics. He threw away a perfectly good life that God intended to have a purpose for much more than what he made out of it. And it pisses me off, and makes me cry at the same time. I’m not sitting here saying I have feelings for this person; I would DIE before I felt anything in my heart for him in anyway more than a “friend through Christ.” TRUST ME! It’s just that I guess that is the kind of person I am when it comes to people. I care for them, no matter the circumstances, whether that person knows I care about them or not, I do. I am a caring person. But that’s just where I stand on that whole issue.
Last Thursday I went into the emergency room around 9am with some crazy crappy oh my goodness deadly pains in my like lower side on the left. It wasn’t cramping, it wasn’t muscle pain; It was serious pain. And if you know me, you know I don’t like hospitals. So to actually go into the ER; yeah I WAS in pain. Well, to make a long story short. It turned out I had a cyst on my ovary. And you males are probably like “AHH! What the heck is an ovary??” well, it is something you don’t have. J It’s a part in the female reproductive system. Yadda yadda. Well so, that cyst burst. Nothing you can do about it, I didn’t die, and it’s not deadly. It’s just painful! So, my ovaries are FINALLY starting to feel better. Thank God! That was really painful crap! L So that is my ovary story.
So, my birthday is coming up. And I’ve gone through this same thing every year since I was like I don’t even know 10 or something… but I am really starting to get tired of it. I sit around by the phone, and I make sure that I check the mail, NOONE else, only me, and the first thing I do when I get home is ask my mom if anyone has called for me. I’m tired of working myself up, just to be let down. I try SO hard to just, forget about it. And have a good time and enjoy what is going on, etc etc I just find it hard to do when no matter what I’m always thinking about my dad. I’m always thinking that one-day… things will be “normal.” I will have those “father daughter outings” and I will have my dad to come in and kiss me on the forehead, and tell me how much he loves me and tell me how proud he is of me, and tell me how beautiful he thinks I am, and tell me that if Blake hurts me that he will kill him, and tell me that I’ll always be his little girl and he will love me no matter what…blah blah. I know it’s all just a bunch of dreaming. And I know it’s all just a bunch of…whatever’s. It’d just be nice, to get a little note. One birthday, I want him to remember that, that was the day that HIS daughter, was born. I want him to remember that the life he helped create is breathing… and feeling. I want him to just give me closure. If nothing else, I want to know that he doesn’t think about me, or he doesn’t want a relationship, or that he moving on…or something. I don’t know. This is all just a bunch of me rambling on and on, hoping to sort my thoughts out. It’s easier to do it to the world even though I could care less what they think, it just makes it easier for me to sort out…because I think I’m actually talking to someone. And I like doing it on this, because you don’t have to worry about making someone mad or something. I use to care about livejournals making people upset or mad or whatever, but now its my feelings and its my JOURNAL, and if you don’t like what I have to say, cool! J And writing it on a piece of paper doesn’t help me because I know that all I’m going to do is throw it away and so I just write nothing but angry thoughts that get me nowhere! I don’t actually think about how I feel, or what I’m thinking. I know that is probably just made me sound like a total idiot. But I know what I’m saying. So yay! Anyways, enough with all that nonsense.
So, I was doing really well for a few weeks with not being so like… short fuse with my mom. But lately some of the things that she has done or said, really piss me off. Like, she wants me to talk about how I am feeling about my dad and whatnot, but then she gets mad at me and says that I’m not thankful for what she provides for me, and so she says “I’m just not going to throw you a party then. Maybe your dad will call if you have one less thing!” Ok! WTF? I didn’t even say that I wasn’t thankful for her, its not that at all. It’s just, my dad is a part of me. Maybe it’d be one thing if I NEVER knew him or I never had a period of my life with him, or something. But there were years that I was “daddies little girl” and to just get something like that stolen from a child with no explanation, with no NOTHING, how and the heck am I suppose to be acting!? Ugh! She makes me so angry. I don’t care if she is mentally slow, that doesn’t impair her from common sense! She still has the ability to talk about what she think she is doing in my life than she can do it. She can grow up a little bit and realize that I’m only 16 (almost 17) years old, and so what if I don’t understand. So what if I want my dad back. I’m being normal. Does she want me to be mean and hateful? Because it’s either be sad about it, and slowly heal, or be completely angry and do or say things that I will regret. I’m still kind of young. Grr! I don’t know. She makes me so frustrated. It’s just another bump in the road. I will get over it. My life still has a long road ahead of me, I’m not going to let this little bump keep me from seeking out what amazing things life has in store for me.
There is much more I’m feeling. I just don’t feel like it’s appropriate to talk about them on a…website. I still need to have time to, get these feelings straight. I don’t even know what I am feeling half of the time. So why even try to get them out. Anyways.
Well, I am doing awesome in school. I’m building on new friendships. And building on to the old. Slowly but surely I’m sure I will start to feel better about where I am going. I feel pretty good. I just like to be cautious. I like to realize mistakes, and fix them, learn and grow. Well I better go this is a RELLY long entry. And I better do my homework.
I love each and every one of you. Don’t forget it. You all have a special place in my heart. And you all have a piece to my puzzle I call life. And that is an irreplaceable piece. Unique and special in every way, you all add a different meaning to my life. You all have impacted my life in some kind of way, in a way that makes me who I am. And I thank you.
Love Always,
Brittany Michelle