(no subject)
So. Um I have not updated in a bit. However, its not like im a constant updater... Anywho. Lets see. Yeah, Amy and I worked things out. Im trying to be a better friend, and show people that I care, even though I may think it's obvious, I was proven that it is not.
Friday night I went bowling. I was not in a very happy mood. A lot of things I guess still bother me. So many in fact, that I dont know how to deal with all the emotions. It is rather STUPID! And O-so very frusterating. Im a constant grump and it seems as if I do not make anyone happy, and blah blah. Its the most stupid thing ever, I am the kind of person that likes to make people happy, and I like to make them feel special, and whatnot, and when Im depressed, I do not make people around me very happy. Breaks my heart, but Im working on it.
There is something kind of on my mind. I do not know how to share it. I think one person knows how I feel about this certain topic. Im tired of failing first of all. And The only thing that I promised to Someone, very very important, I broke. Its not as if i want to go die because of it. But sometimes I find myself wondering, "Is this right?" even tho i know that it is not, I dont know how to bring it up, and change. Because you have to want to change, to change. And I dont want to change this. Because I feel like it is so right, but I know this very very important Someone does not think it is right yet. And I dont even know, It's really hard to think about. Sometimes I think that this one thing is blocking me from having something the way that it used to be. Ahhh! so very very confusing.
Lately I've been being called to just surrender. To give it up. Let the past go. It's time to move on... God has been kind of... "tapping" at my heart for a few days now. And this is what I have wanted. I have wanted Him "back" I have not had Him the way I use to, In sooo Long. And I miss it. But Im also scared. And confused. And I have this guard up. Im scared that if I start to surrender to His calling, and make things back to "normal" He might let me down again. Grr Another frusterating situation.
Sometimes, things are so awesome. And then sometimes I worry. And I get scared. Oh so scared, so scared you'll never know. Sometimes I worry that people are going to leave my life just like the way I am use to. And I know that worring is gay. But sometimes I have a reason to worry. And its to damn bad that because I worry so much, Im scared to talk. My goodness. How very dumb.
Last night, I finally grew up a little bit and called Kristen. I have no idea why Im so scared to call her. :-/ I guess it goes back to that, being scared of losing someone thing. Even tho I know that half the time, my gayness is what makes me lose soemone. But we had a awesome conversation. It really made me think about life. And my past. And things I have learned. And things I need to start being again, or things i really need to change. She always has this sense of... comfort? I really miss the way things used to be, but I need to stop missing the past, and learnign from it, and growing to be better than my downfalls. I have no idea if this is making sense but, yeah.
I know that life is not perfect. I know that i am not perfect, and people are not perfect. But i am hoping that my life turns out a hella lot better than it has been so far. Im not saying that Im completly not satisfied in myself, i mean i know that there are somethings im really proud of about me...and i know that im pretty strong, overall, but i wish that i could gain some of that sstreight back.
Um, I'd like to take this moment to thank a few people:
Kristen- You always seem to show me new things, remember old things, you have this light that shines so bright. And it has shown on my life in ways you will never know.
Amy- You seriously have done so much. Im very sorry for the way you have felt. But you are so very awesome! In ways that nobody may not understand. You have shown me love, friendship, incouragement, so many things. You and your mom... I seriously do not know what i would have done with out you... Your literally a life saver. I love you! Even tho we but heads, Your amazing, and nothing will ever make me forget you.
Blake- I love you. In ways words won't and cannot describe. You have shown me what it's like to be happy again. You have blessed me with laughter. You have showered me with love undescribable. With you, I am never alone, You have set me free.
There are so many more, but you three, Seriously, You are... a real blessing. And I think that all of you are just as equally awesome. I love each one of you so very much.
Im sorry for the way i have been. the complete emoness...Im learning. Im growing. Im breathing, and reaching for happiness beyond compare.
I dont really know what else to say :-/ that was a really confusing crazy post. Sorry. I love you ALLL!
~~~Brittany~~~
Friday night I went bowling. I was not in a very happy mood. A lot of things I guess still bother me. So many in fact, that I dont know how to deal with all the emotions. It is rather STUPID! And O-so very frusterating. Im a constant grump and it seems as if I do not make anyone happy, and blah blah. Its the most stupid thing ever, I am the kind of person that likes to make people happy, and I like to make them feel special, and whatnot, and when Im depressed, I do not make people around me very happy. Breaks my heart, but Im working on it.
There is something kind of on my mind. I do not know how to share it. I think one person knows how I feel about this certain topic. Im tired of failing first of all. And The only thing that I promised to Someone, very very important, I broke. Its not as if i want to go die because of it. But sometimes I find myself wondering, "Is this right?" even tho i know that it is not, I dont know how to bring it up, and change. Because you have to want to change, to change. And I dont want to change this. Because I feel like it is so right, but I know this very very important Someone does not think it is right yet. And I dont even know, It's really hard to think about. Sometimes I think that this one thing is blocking me from having something the way that it used to be. Ahhh! so very very confusing.
Lately I've been being called to just surrender. To give it up. Let the past go. It's time to move on... God has been kind of... "tapping" at my heart for a few days now. And this is what I have wanted. I have wanted Him "back" I have not had Him the way I use to, In sooo Long. And I miss it. But Im also scared. And confused. And I have this guard up. Im scared that if I start to surrender to His calling, and make things back to "normal" He might let me down again. Grr Another frusterating situation.
Sometimes, things are so awesome. And then sometimes I worry. And I get scared. Oh so scared, so scared you'll never know. Sometimes I worry that people are going to leave my life just like the way I am use to. And I know that worring is gay. But sometimes I have a reason to worry. And its to damn bad that because I worry so much, Im scared to talk. My goodness. How very dumb.
Last night, I finally grew up a little bit and called Kristen. I have no idea why Im so scared to call her. :-/ I guess it goes back to that, being scared of losing someone thing. Even tho I know that half the time, my gayness is what makes me lose soemone. But we had a awesome conversation. It really made me think about life. And my past. And things I have learned. And things I need to start being again, or things i really need to change. She always has this sense of... comfort? I really miss the way things used to be, but I need to stop missing the past, and learnign from it, and growing to be better than my downfalls. I have no idea if this is making sense but, yeah.
I know that life is not perfect. I know that i am not perfect, and people are not perfect. But i am hoping that my life turns out a hella lot better than it has been so far. Im not saying that Im completly not satisfied in myself, i mean i know that there are somethings im really proud of about me...and i know that im pretty strong, overall, but i wish that i could gain some of that sstreight back.
Um, I'd like to take this moment to thank a few people:
Kristen- You always seem to show me new things, remember old things, you have this light that shines so bright. And it has shown on my life in ways you will never know.
Amy- You seriously have done so much. Im very sorry for the way you have felt. But you are so very awesome! In ways that nobody may not understand. You have shown me love, friendship, incouragement, so many things. You and your mom... I seriously do not know what i would have done with out you... Your literally a life saver. I love you! Even tho we but heads, Your amazing, and nothing will ever make me forget you.
Blake- I love you. In ways words won't and cannot describe. You have shown me what it's like to be happy again. You have blessed me with laughter. You have showered me with love undescribable. With you, I am never alone, You have set me free.
There are so many more, but you three, Seriously, You are... a real blessing. And I think that all of you are just as equally awesome. I love each one of you so very much.
Im sorry for the way i have been. the complete emoness...Im learning. Im growing. Im breathing, and reaching for happiness beyond compare.
I dont really know what else to say :-/ that was a really confusing crazy post. Sorry. I love you ALLL!
~~~Brittany~~~