.1; white Lies

May 07, 2010 21:37


changmin/jaejoong/yunho
angst, rated pg-13
one shot, 1700 wordswarning: contains suicide

Rain trickled down the window pane.

The young, slender man stared out the window with large, slightly mismatched eyes. His fingers followed a single rain drop down the glass until his hand reached the place where the glass touched the wood. He closed his eyes for a second and leaned back on his chair. Breathing deeply, he tried to stop the rhythm of his heart from accelerating.

I have to forget you now,
I have to erase you from my memories,
I leave you now.

He heard the sound of footsteps coming towards him, and felt a pair of arms wrap around his skinny body.

A second, just a second, he allowed himself to imagine that it was him. That it was his arms embracing him from behind, that is was his head resting on his bony shoulder..

"Minnie, come eat now?" The man behind him said in a muffled voice.

He felt the arms loosen as he turned his head to face the other man. Again, he saw the face of a stressed and worried person staring back at him, yet he couldn't bring himself to make that man smile.

"I'm...not hungry," Changmin replied in a low, emotionless tone, as if he wanted to use as little energy as he could to make a sound. He turned back to staring at the window to avoid seeing the anguish on the other man's face again.

The other man sighed, but did nothing, and for the fifth time that day, walked away.

The rain didn't stop, and he had just sat there, staring out the window. He knew that Yunho had already left. He saw him shielding his face from the rain with his hands while running to his car. Where was he going? He didn't know, and didn't bother to care. He shifted in his chair, interrupting the silence. It was so quiet that he could hear himself breathing.

Even if I am not in the world anymore,
I will only wish for your happiness,
Don't cry, please don't cry,
I can't even wash them away for you.

"What could I have done to stop you, Jaejoong-ah?" He asked, only to be answered with silence.

He slowly got up from the chair, grabbed a coat and went out the door.

~

Changmin's wet, cotton pajamas swept the grimy, mucky floor filled with used cigarettes as he entered the worn-out, abandoned cabin. His moist, brown eyes stared into the space in front of him. His lips trembled as he opened his mouth a little, as if he was about to say something.

Even though there was not a single soul in this cramped, dirty room, he whispered, “It’s……been a while."

He waited, as if he was expecting someone to answer. The silence soon became almost unbearable.

He walked over to now shattered and stained mirror. Staring at his reflection through the broken glass; he saw a man with ruffled, short hair that surrounded a sharp angled face with dark eye circles and a blank expression. He gently pulled out the silver necklace that was hidden under his shirt. The necklace shimmered as thousands of little crystals reflected off of the dim light, illuminated by a lone light bulb.

Changmin felt nauseated as he remembered the past.

He ran as fast as his legs would let him, racing towards the cabin. Thick branches from trees constantly hit him, but he didn't once flinch from the pain. He finally reached the cabin and flung open the rotten, wooden door. He was heavily out of breath as his eyes scanned across the room and saw a body leaning against the wall.

He took a deep breath and sighed, he turned away from the mirror and stared into the open space. His eyes were now filled with tears. Shoulders trembling, he felt like his legs would give out beneath him. He slowly lowered himself to the floor while his arm leaned on the wall for support.

“What could I have done?” He whispered with his head bent low, his hand attempting to grasp the wall, “What could I have done?”

Changmin clenched his hands and gritted his teeth. Emotions were scattered everywhere. Pain. Sadness. Despair. Anger. Rage. And worst of all, regret. He wanted to let it all out, but his thin, weak body wouldn’t allow it.

Numb. After all of those feelings traveled through his body, he just felt numb.

He stared at the spider web on the upper corner of room, gazing at a small fly that got trapped in the web. The spider appeared and slowly crawled its way to the panicked fly who was trying to free itself. “Hehe,” he chuckled softly at first, “Hehehe…” He suddenly exploded into the laughter as he held his head in his hands.

More tears came out of his eyes and trickled down his chin. Soon, his voice became hoarse, and his stomach hurt. He remained still with his eyes closed. After a few minutes, he painfully opened his now dry eyes and stared at the floor in front of him. There was a piece of paper, maybe a note. He stared at it for moment, pondering whether to pick it up or not.. His curiosity made him stretch his hand to grab the slightly crumpled piece of paper.

He looked at it for a moment, and couldn’t decipher the words out properly, the thoughts in his brain were all scrambled. He squinted at the piece of paper, hoping to get his brain to decipher the message. He read it slowly to himself, “Oh…so you finally decided to….. read this letter?”

What? He thought as he continued reading.

[Even though it was conveniently lying on the floor for you, I bet it still took you a long time to realize it was there. You always let your emotions get the best of you, don't you, Minnie? At least you finally had the decency of picking it up.

I bet you cried like a baby, didn’t you? Can you even see properly right now? Seriously, you should stop with your loud outbursts all the time. Others might think you’re crazy!]

Changmin stared at the piece of paper, stunned.

[Okay! Time to get serious now.]

Taking a deep breath, and biting his lower lip anxiously, he kept on reading.

[I know…that you’re blaming yourself right now, you think that you’re the one who had caused me to become like this. Please, don’t think that way. I might have not told you this often but...I truly loved you. Ever since we met, I knew that that I would never be able to meet anyone like you again.

I never wanted anything or anyone to hurt you. I know that I don’t seem that way to you sometimes, that I sometimes act childish and not have a care for the world. There was a reason for that.

The reason is…it’s because I didn’t want you to become like me. I didn’t want my innocent Min to become the horrible person with no self control that I am. But at the same time, I wanted to be perfect for you. I knew I couldn’t accomplish them both, yet somehow, I still wanted to try.

I'm so sorry that I failed.]

"You didn't fail..." He felt tears form in his eyes again.

[They told me that if I tried to escape from here, they would cause harm to you. They told me if I died, they would leave you alone. What choice do I have?

Tomorrow, is my last day alive.

I just wanted to tell you all of this…and please, promise me you will live a happy life and forget me.
I'm sorry.

Love, Ja-]

His name was not fully written, as if someone had snatched the pen from him. But Changmin knew it was him, he knew his handwriting too well. He clenched onto the piece of paper and curled himself into a ball. He didn't want the tears to come out, he didn't want to feel the sadness, but still, his face became wet with tears.

I'll leave now to a place where you dont exist,
Like this I'll erase you from me...

He lifted his head up, and scanned the room again. A rusted pocket knife was lying at the right corner of the room across from him. Bit by bit, he crawled his way to it and took the cold, rough object with his hands. He leaned back on the wall again and with a breathless voice, he whispered, "Did you know, Jaejoong...that I can't forget you?"

~

He opened the door to their house and felt an odd silence. The tall, fit man took off his shoes and quickly shuffled to the living room to find that that no one was there. He dropped his groceries on the sofa and raced to Changmin's room, but found no one there.

"Changmin?" The man yelled, now panicked. He ran to every room of the house, but there was no one. Suddenly, a thought struck his head.

"He wouldn't," he murmured, "he wouldn't..."

He raced out the door, not bothering to put on a coat, got into the car, and drove away.

Ten minutes later, he arrived at the cabin and got out of the car. He saw that the door was open, and for a split second, in the pouring rain where he stood, he was hesitant if he should go inside. His feet moved for him, and he slowly walked to the door, and peered inside. Only to see the same sight he had seen three months ago. Except this time, there was no one to comfort him.

Back at the now, empty house, the phone rang.

"Hey, Yunho, why aren't you answering your phone? Anyways, this is Junsu. Yoochun was able to find out who was behind the whole thing about Jae, they already arrested him. Isn't that great? I bet Changmin is gonna be happy. Anyways, call me back as soon as you can, okay?"

I won't ever leave,
My love for you that surpasses everything,
If I can only breathe next to you...

end.

a/n: hope you liked it :) critique is loved <3
was inspired by the song White Lies by TVXQ, so sad, it's heart-wrenching ;w;

fanfic, tvxq, fanfic: changmin

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