tomorrow's another day....
so i don't know if people still read this.... i don't have aim anymore so maybe nobody has a link to it or something but i am going to continue to write in here anyway just for me...
a little update...
its been WWIII at my house everynight. it's constant fighting and madness so i just stopped going home. I usually go to school, come home to change real fast before anyone gets home and i leave until its late and everyone is in bed. By doing so i've avoided being caught in the middle of many smackdowns and i think for awhile my parents forgot my existence. It wasn't really until last night that i actually saw my family after i came home from being out with laurie and everyone. I had sort of a rough night because i screwed things up again. I started having feelings i never had before for someone completely dangerous to my heart and i got really scared and pushed him away but i regretted it the second i did it. I want him to know that I will wait forever and I will deal with whatever comes our way as long as in the end we are both happy. But, he is avoiding me right now which i completely understand, i mean i'd avoid me too if i was him. So, i came home sort of early and i didnt see any lights on so i just got in the bath then i heard doors slamming and screaming and all hell broke loose and i kept hearing my name being screamed over and over. I didn't understand what i could have done becuase i haven't been home in so long but when something horrible happens and you don't know who to blame it on but you know you have to blame it on someone you always blame it on the person who was least involved. I was least involved and I am now the blame for my family being so disfunctional. At first i thought i'd blow it off and it will pass but things were different. This was serious. I woke up today and went to school and got a hundred calls saying how horrible i am for doing this to my family... which i swear i didn't do anything... and i got real sick from not eating and from crying and i finally just locked myself in the bathroom. I had a nice line of visitors like i was in the hospital or something and everyone was whispering "whats wrong with her" like i couldn't hear and teachers were trying to find me cause i wasn't in class and finally i just wrote out an early dismissal and left. I will probably get in alot of trouble for blowing off all my morning classes and for not being their for the speaking part of my french final but at least i don't have to deal with that until tomorrow. My dad felt some compassion for me when he saw what i looked like when i got home. He saw how pale and drained i was and he left me alone. I plan on taking a long bath tonight, finishing up the work i have for my classes, and falling asleep outside. Then tomorrow i will hand in everything as a pathetic attempt to get decent grades this marking period, apolgoize to people i was unintentionally rude to, deal with whatever punishment is on my way, and do my skit for french. So after 5th period tomorrow things should be smoothed over for the most part. Hopefully by the end of the weekend someone will forgive me for pushing them away and that too will be smoothed over. I have to call Isaac too and see what's going on there. I don't want him to hate me anymore and prom is Friday so things really need to be worked out now and hopefully Matt will be speaking to me by then too. wow. the last 2 days really sucked. At least I'm moving on from Shane and that part of my life and such. I have become alot more independent and im meeting all sorts of people and am starting to see everything i missed out on the past 8 months. I'm having fun though and the problems that would normally be so huge to me aren't so big to me and i feel like I can handle anything that comes my way.... well almost anything.... with a little help.
Anyway... like laurie always says... it can't get any worse.. it will all be better tomorrow.
<3
a little update...
its been WWIII at my house everynight. it's constant fighting and madness so i just stopped going home. I usually go to school, come home to change real fast before anyone gets home and i leave until its late and everyone is in bed. By doing so i've avoided being caught in the middle of many smackdowns and i think for awhile my parents forgot my existence. It wasn't really until last night that i actually saw my family after i came home from being out with laurie and everyone. I had sort of a rough night because i screwed things up again. I started having feelings i never had before for someone completely dangerous to my heart and i got really scared and pushed him away but i regretted it the second i did it. I want him to know that I will wait forever and I will deal with whatever comes our way as long as in the end we are both happy. But, he is avoiding me right now which i completely understand, i mean i'd avoid me too if i was him. So, i came home sort of early and i didnt see any lights on so i just got in the bath then i heard doors slamming and screaming and all hell broke loose and i kept hearing my name being screamed over and over. I didn't understand what i could have done becuase i haven't been home in so long but when something horrible happens and you don't know who to blame it on but you know you have to blame it on someone you always blame it on the person who was least involved. I was least involved and I am now the blame for my family being so disfunctional. At first i thought i'd blow it off and it will pass but things were different. This was serious. I woke up today and went to school and got a hundred calls saying how horrible i am for doing this to my family... which i swear i didn't do anything... and i got real sick from not eating and from crying and i finally just locked myself in the bathroom. I had a nice line of visitors like i was in the hospital or something and everyone was whispering "whats wrong with her" like i couldn't hear and teachers were trying to find me cause i wasn't in class and finally i just wrote out an early dismissal and left. I will probably get in alot of trouble for blowing off all my morning classes and for not being their for the speaking part of my french final but at least i don't have to deal with that until tomorrow. My dad felt some compassion for me when he saw what i looked like when i got home. He saw how pale and drained i was and he left me alone. I plan on taking a long bath tonight, finishing up the work i have for my classes, and falling asleep outside. Then tomorrow i will hand in everything as a pathetic attempt to get decent grades this marking period, apolgoize to people i was unintentionally rude to, deal with whatever punishment is on my way, and do my skit for french. So after 5th period tomorrow things should be smoothed over for the most part. Hopefully by the end of the weekend someone will forgive me for pushing them away and that too will be smoothed over. I have to call Isaac too and see what's going on there. I don't want him to hate me anymore and prom is Friday so things really need to be worked out now and hopefully Matt will be speaking to me by then too. wow. the last 2 days really sucked. At least I'm moving on from Shane and that part of my life and such. I have become alot more independent and im meeting all sorts of people and am starting to see everything i missed out on the past 8 months. I'm having fun though and the problems that would normally be so huge to me aren't so big to me and i feel like I can handle anything that comes my way.... well almost anything.... with a little help.
Anyway... like laurie always says... it can't get any worse.. it will all be better tomorrow.
<3