[just_muse_me] - 7.6.3
FIVE times fantasised and one time it was real. [ jmm:7.6.3]
Upon thinking about fantasies, John Sheppard was almost immediate to conjure up 'Rodney McKay' next to the word. It had become almost as natural as the word 'flying.' And maybe the almost even was a lie.
He had often dreamt of pushing Rodney against a wall, taking his mouth, and more. But upon recollection, the fantasies never could live up, and memories were soon replacing fantasy in his mind.
It was a slow transgression, one he undoubtably welcomed, but perhaps didn't fully recognize. But after that incident at the bar... Rodney could make him so hard, he probably didn't even realize his power. Knowing Rodney, if he had noticed, he would exploit it, and that was different fantasy territory altogether.
-1-
Rodney must have been well aware by now just how much having the man's cock in his mouth turned him on. It wasn't exactly rocket science, and that was Rodney's field after all.
There was just something about being filled up by the other man that never failed to undo him. It helped, too, how much Rodney himself enjoyed it, that strain he felt in those hips not to push forward; the dying sound of his name or some other indiscernible mumble on those lips. Those perfect, wet lips... Wet after Rodney would wet them anyway, throwing his head back, and John wished he could be everywhere, lapping up sweat and shame as he went.
He was often terrified by how much he enjoyed the control Rodney rendered over him, and was equal parts terrified by the fact that Rodney hadn't taken advantage of it yet. Did he just not know...? He had all but spelled it out. Hell, maybe he even had, on more than one occasion.
So why hadn't he found himself shoved backwards, on his knees or flat on his back - it hardly mattered - Rodney's perfect hips canting that perfect cock into his own eager, parted lips? It seemed such a logical conclusion. And what was Rodney if not the most logical of men, and a master in his own right at seizing opportunity, most especially for his own gain?
-2-
And if one were to seize opportunity here, why not in an even larger capacity? Why not push John onto his stomach, and take what was rightfully his; what he could have any time, any way? Did Rodney even know? It was the constant question his mind supplied. And yet he was uncharacteristically frightened of the prospect of being on hands and knees for Rodney. They had only ever fucked with him on top, and while it wasn't exactly missionary...
It was close. And while John had proved they weren't exactly vanilla, he wasn't willing to take this out of Rodney's comfort zone. And maybe that wasn't a completely selfless sacrifice.
Up until this point he had been Mr. Experience. He could teach Rodney a thing or two, play guru to his follower. But it wasn't what he wanted; wasn't the roles he and Rodney best fit. Not together, at any rate.
But he could wait. He had already found that out, the hard way.
-3-
He would really like to keep finding that out. Jen had spoken a few times about lying in wait in her boyfriend's room, and while he said it had been creepy... sometimes he wondered if he'd meant it. Rodney would probably find it so, him staked out there for Lord knows how long.. who knows what he could have been doing... Or not doing.
John had, perhaps, seriously considered tying himself to Rodney's headboard when the man wasn't home. Just thinking about... He would squirm, waiting Rodney out, never knowing when he could burst through that door..
And maybe it would be an hour, or two.. maybe all day. Maybe he would be so ragged and worn from being hard for hours that he'd jump at the door opening, look up at Rodney with wide eyes, as afraid as they would be wanting.
Somehow the fear only made it better as he imagined the startled look on Rodney's face - how quickly he might get over it to crawl over John and take advantage of his gift. Or how he might ignore him even longer, enjoying to watch the other man suffer. John might thrash and call out, but Rodney wouldn't care--
Just the words were enough to pop the illusion, his own erection dying in his hand.
-4-
Sometimes, he entertained the idea of forever. And while sometimes is a relative term, in this case it applied very seldom; almost never. It was something one couldn't afford, not in John's position. But it didn't stop him from dreaming. Nothing could ever stop him, no matter how many had tried to get John Sheppard's head out of the clouds.
He dreamt of forever on Atlantis.. forever for SGA-1, and sometimes, rarely... even forever for he and Rodney. Maybe even forever on his knees.
The last thought caused a shudder up his spine and he bit his lip, fingers hesitating over the keys as he attempted desperately not to distract himself from his work.
Forever was hard to come by, even harder not to think of. And with the approaching wedding... it almost seemed attainable.
Which had to be the daftest thing he had ever heard.
Forever wasn't for him. Hell, he wasn't for forever. He was going to die, in battle; he had made peace with that a long time ago. Longer than was strictly safe to think on.
He would enjoy his fun now, in the moment. Just like always, ever the thrill-seeker. And even if his life was a bit more sedentary than usual, his lifestyle had changed considerably since this city had gone and turned his world around. It wasn't a bad thing, couldn't be while he was here. He was getting older and while he liked to think he'd never settle... he was in this thing for the long haul.
He, however, was not in this for forever. He really couldn't stress that enough.
Too bad the only person he had left to convince was himself. Well, and maybe Rodney.
-5-
If he didn't have forever, John did have death. A thought that used to comfort him, morbid as it was. He would always have the security of knowing he went out giving his all - doing what he loved.
Now it just felt like leaving, abandoning as he had been abandoned. It felt cowardice.
John hated feeling that way.
But sometimes he still thought of it, the mark he might leave on the world. And unlike Rodney, he didn't care if it was a large impact or one paved with purple hearts - merely that he had, perhaps, made a difference to the few that mattered. Maybe even the few that mattered less than the first few. Even if John felt callous for thinking it.
Though maybe that really was the subject matter. It was hard to consider your own death with such a nonchalance without conjuring up spectres of callousness. Of his own unfeeling carelessness, suddenly gone and replaced with boring grown-up feelings of obligation... and love.
John often dreamt of being a father, and while his current situation didn't support it in any way whatsoever... It was a thought that kept him moving somedays. That his line wouldn't end with him. And it was a stupid thought even in that right because Dave had his fiancee, and they were to be married in the summer. And he would be there, most likely with Rodney, wishing that were them. Wishing he could show the world...
Shep used to be a go-lucky flyboy with a deathwish, and he found himself wondering, simply, what the fuck had changed?
-& once-
As they shared this moment, long and unending, Rodney's fingers carding through his hair as candlelight flickered over the other man's bold features.. he felt a sense of fantasy with him there - perhaps the lighting adding an extra air of artificiality to the moment. But it was real nonetheless. Realer than Rodney's thinning hair, or his deadly allergy to seemingly innocuous fruits...
Their lips were drawn together again, as if by magnetic force, nothing in the universe getting between them. He hoped in vein nothing ever would, his heartstrings tightening as the kiss continued. Nothing bad happened, and he hadn't even knocked on wood.
Rodney needed him, that was his realization. And he stung with it, clinging to the other man's frame. It was easy to stay like this, and the whole day went by in a heartbeat, his ear pressed to Rodney's chest.
Hell, if McKay had wanted it like the movies, John had done one better. And he even had a spaceship and cool aliens to back it up. Well, and love.
He had love, too.
~fin
Muse: Colonel John Sheppard
Fandom: Stargate: Atlantis
Word Count: 1469
Upon thinking about fantasies, John Sheppard was almost immediate to conjure up 'Rodney McKay' next to the word. It had become almost as natural as the word 'flying.' And maybe the almost even was a lie.
He had often dreamt of pushing Rodney against a wall, taking his mouth, and more. But upon recollection, the fantasies never could live up, and memories were soon replacing fantasy in his mind.
It was a slow transgression, one he undoubtably welcomed, but perhaps didn't fully recognize. But after that incident at the bar... Rodney could make him so hard, he probably didn't even realize his power. Knowing Rodney, if he had noticed, he would exploit it, and that was different fantasy territory altogether.
-1-
Rodney must have been well aware by now just how much having the man's cock in his mouth turned him on. It wasn't exactly rocket science, and that was Rodney's field after all.
There was just something about being filled up by the other man that never failed to undo him. It helped, too, how much Rodney himself enjoyed it, that strain he felt in those hips not to push forward; the dying sound of his name or some other indiscernible mumble on those lips. Those perfect, wet lips... Wet after Rodney would wet them anyway, throwing his head back, and John wished he could be everywhere, lapping up sweat and shame as he went.
He was often terrified by how much he enjoyed the control Rodney rendered over him, and was equal parts terrified by the fact that Rodney hadn't taken advantage of it yet. Did he just not know...? He had all but spelled it out. Hell, maybe he even had, on more than one occasion.
So why hadn't he found himself shoved backwards, on his knees or flat on his back - it hardly mattered - Rodney's perfect hips canting that perfect cock into his own eager, parted lips? It seemed such a logical conclusion. And what was Rodney if not the most logical of men, and a master in his own right at seizing opportunity, most especially for his own gain?
-2-
And if one were to seize opportunity here, why not in an even larger capacity? Why not push John onto his stomach, and take what was rightfully his; what he could have any time, any way? Did Rodney even know? It was the constant question his mind supplied. And yet he was uncharacteristically frightened of the prospect of being on hands and knees for Rodney. They had only ever fucked with him on top, and while it wasn't exactly missionary...
It was close. And while John had proved they weren't exactly vanilla, he wasn't willing to take this out of Rodney's comfort zone. And maybe that wasn't a completely selfless sacrifice.
Up until this point he had been Mr. Experience. He could teach Rodney a thing or two, play guru to his follower. But it wasn't what he wanted; wasn't the roles he and Rodney best fit. Not together, at any rate.
But he could wait. He had already found that out, the hard way.
-3-
He would really like to keep finding that out. Jen had spoken a few times about lying in wait in her boyfriend's room, and while he said it had been creepy... sometimes he wondered if he'd meant it. Rodney would probably find it so, him staked out there for Lord knows how long.. who knows what he could have been doing... Or not doing.
John had, perhaps, seriously considered tying himself to Rodney's headboard when the man wasn't home. Just thinking about... He would squirm, waiting Rodney out, never knowing when he could burst through that door..
And maybe it would be an hour, or two.. maybe all day. Maybe he would be so ragged and worn from being hard for hours that he'd jump at the door opening, look up at Rodney with wide eyes, as afraid as they would be wanting.
Somehow the fear only made it better as he imagined the startled look on Rodney's face - how quickly he might get over it to crawl over John and take advantage of his gift. Or how he might ignore him even longer, enjoying to watch the other man suffer. John might thrash and call out, but Rodney wouldn't care--
Just the words were enough to pop the illusion, his own erection dying in his hand.
-4-
Sometimes, he entertained the idea of forever. And while sometimes is a relative term, in this case it applied very seldom; almost never. It was something one couldn't afford, not in John's position. But it didn't stop him from dreaming. Nothing could ever stop him, no matter how many had tried to get John Sheppard's head out of the clouds.
He dreamt of forever on Atlantis.. forever for SGA-1, and sometimes, rarely... even forever for he and Rodney. Maybe even forever on his knees.
The last thought caused a shudder up his spine and he bit his lip, fingers hesitating over the keys as he attempted desperately not to distract himself from his work.
Forever was hard to come by, even harder not to think of. And with the approaching wedding... it almost seemed attainable.
Which had to be the daftest thing he had ever heard.
Forever wasn't for him. Hell, he wasn't for forever. He was going to die, in battle; he had made peace with that a long time ago. Longer than was strictly safe to think on.
He would enjoy his fun now, in the moment. Just like always, ever the thrill-seeker. And even if his life was a bit more sedentary than usual, his lifestyle had changed considerably since this city had gone and turned his world around. It wasn't a bad thing, couldn't be while he was here. He was getting older and while he liked to think he'd never settle... he was in this thing for the long haul.
He, however, was not in this for forever. He really couldn't stress that enough.
Too bad the only person he had left to convince was himself. Well, and maybe Rodney.
-5-
If he didn't have forever, John did have death. A thought that used to comfort him, morbid as it was. He would always have the security of knowing he went out giving his all - doing what he loved.
Now it just felt like leaving, abandoning as he had been abandoned. It felt cowardice.
John hated feeling that way.
But sometimes he still thought of it, the mark he might leave on the world. And unlike Rodney, he didn't care if it was a large impact or one paved with purple hearts - merely that he had, perhaps, made a difference to the few that mattered. Maybe even the few that mattered less than the first few. Even if John felt callous for thinking it.
Though maybe that really was the subject matter. It was hard to consider your own death with such a nonchalance without conjuring up spectres of callousness. Of his own unfeeling carelessness, suddenly gone and replaced with boring grown-up feelings of obligation... and love.
John often dreamt of being a father, and while his current situation didn't support it in any way whatsoever... It was a thought that kept him moving somedays. That his line wouldn't end with him. And it was a stupid thought even in that right because Dave had his fiancee, and they were to be married in the summer. And he would be there, most likely with Rodney, wishing that were them. Wishing he could show the world...
Shep used to be a go-lucky flyboy with a deathwish, and he found himself wondering, simply, what the fuck had changed?
-& once-
As they shared this moment, long and unending, Rodney's fingers carding through his hair as candlelight flickered over the other man's bold features.. he felt a sense of fantasy with him there - perhaps the lighting adding an extra air of artificiality to the moment. But it was real nonetheless. Realer than Rodney's thinning hair, or his deadly allergy to seemingly innocuous fruits...
Their lips were drawn together again, as if by magnetic force, nothing in the universe getting between them. He hoped in vein nothing ever would, his heartstrings tightening as the kiss continued. Nothing bad happened, and he hadn't even knocked on wood.
Rodney needed him, that was his realization. And he stung with it, clinging to the other man's frame. It was easy to stay like this, and the whole day went by in a heartbeat, his ear pressed to Rodney's chest.
Hell, if McKay had wanted it like the movies, John had done one better. And he even had a spaceship and cool aliens to back it up. Well, and love.
He had love, too.
~fin
Muse: Colonel John Sheppard
Fandom: Stargate: Atlantis
Word Count: 1469