Fic - "Put 'Em Up (Show Me What You've Got)"
Title: Put 'Em Up (Show Me What You've Got)
Author: colonel_bastard
Characters/Fandom: Megamind, Hal, Roxanne, Minion, Metro Man. Megamind [dur].
Word Count: 8,905
Rating: R
Summary: An alternate ending to the movie in which Titan destroys the Defuser Gun and all hell breaks loose.
Warnings: Graphic violence, gruesome injuries, mature language, brutality of both a physical and emotional nature. Also, vomit.
Notes: I've had this one kicking around in my head for a while now, and it was so much fun to finally get it all down in words! One small note about the Defuser Gun; considering the fact that Megamind's weapons shoot lasers and such, I chose to make it more of an electrical device, with internal wiring rather than the mechanical gears of a traditional firearm. Other than that, I think the fic pretty much speaks for itself--- I really just wanted an excuse to write an epic fight sequence. To set the mood, I highly recommend listening to Show Me What You've Got by Powerman 5000, from which this fic takes its kick-ass title.
NOW WITH A PAIR OF ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ILLUSTRATIONS BY tripperfunster: CLASH OF THE TITAN(S)!! and POW!! RIGHT IN THE KISSER!!
At the last moment, Megamind desperately grabs onto the inside of the car door, clinging on for all he’s worth. When Titan rips it clean off the vehicle, the invisible shield holds, and Megamind looks down through the window at his enemy’s enormous shoulders, rising and falling in quick jerks. Of course, there’s no way that the superman is out of breath--- he’s panting from old habit, from anger and adrenaline. Hal braces his other hand on the top of the car and Megamind swallows hard when it tips up on the two right tires--- three tons of machinery and Titan could flip it like a tiddlywink if he chose. One red-gloved hand is fisted in the metal right above the curve of Megamind’s abdomen, as he curls himself into an s-shape to remain hidden. More than anything, he knows that he absolutely must not let Titan lay hands on him again. Each time so far he’s tossed him away like a rag doll, but he doesn’t want to find out what will happen if Titan chooses to hold on to him. All he would have to do is squeeze.
Then the invisibility shorts out.
Well, it’s been fun. Megamind smiles weakly and locks the door, hoping that maybe he’ll look so pathetic that Titan will show mercy. Metro Man always showed mercy. Metro Man always just took him to jail, as unscathed as he could manage, all just a part of the game. But Hal has already made it abundantly clear that the game is over, and as those fiery brown eyes narrow in hatred, Megamind feels his own go wide in terror.
“Enjoy the ride,” Titan growls.
And he slings the car door down the street with all of his incredible strength. It rolls over and over again in the air as it hurtles along Sunderland Avenue, and Megamind struggles to find his equilibrium, finally managing to throw his weight in the opposite direction to stop the spinning. Just in time--- less than a second later and the car door hits the pavement. It might have done some serious damage if it had landed on top of him, but now he rides it like a spark-throwing toboggan, screeching and bouncing along the concrete until it hits a downed lamppost and flips. As he’s thrown off, he tries to hold on to the Defuser Gun, but the g-forces rip it from his hands and he tumbles to a stop, supine, unarmed, and hurting in a hundred different places.
Titan descends from above, his feet touching down inches from Megamind’s.
“Not so tough now, are you?” he jeers. “Without the jet packs and the laser guns, you’re just a little shrimp!”
“Shrimp can be dangerous,” Megamind fumbles for banter, scanning the broken street frantically for his weapon. “They’re one of the leading causes of food poisoning!”
“Well, I’ve got news for you, Megamind,” Hal moves closer. “I hate seafood.”
His last step never touches the pavement. Instead, he plants his boot square in the middle of Megamind’s chest, and when he lightly bounces his weight forward, the smaller man gives a squawk of pain. Titan is heavy. And from Hal’s slowly-spreading smile, Megamind can tell that he’s not even trying. Yet.
Clang.
Roxanne brings the street sign down squarely on the back of Hal’s head. It makes a hollow ringing sound, like metal hitting metal, or rather, metal hitting an indestructible skull. Titan whirls to face her, his face contorted in a sneer of disgust.
“Buzz off, bitch!” he snaps. “The men are talking!”
She’s opening her mouth for a retort, or a plea, or something, but Hal smacks the heel of his hand in the center of her breastbone, popping her right off her feet and onto her back with the force of it.
“No!” Megamind yelps.
He tries to clamber to his feet, but before he can even sit up, Titan is back and pinning him down again, his heel digging into his sternum.
“Aww, you don’t like it when I hurt your little girlfriend, do you?” he chuckles. “Well don’t get your panties in a twist. This is just between you and me.”
Clang.
This time Roxanne comes from the side, the sign leveled like a blade and swung with enough force to cause decapitation, or at least something close to it. Megamind takes a moment to marvel at Miss Ritchi. Her face is flushed scarlet, her lips pulled back in a ferocious snarl. He has never seen her so angry. She swings at Hal’s neck, and though it does no physical harm, Megamind sees a flash of alarm in the villain’s eyes, an instinctive mortal terror that no amount of superpowers can ever eradicate.
“Hey!” he hurries to recover. “I said get lost, Roxy! I’ll deal with you later!”
“Deal with me now, you big bully!” she challenges, hefting the sign like a broadsword.
With a grunt of anger, Hal kicks his current prey in the side, then turns and stalks towards his new target. Megamind wants to beg her to run, but as he rolls up to his knees, he sees the Defuser Gun. It’s wedged in a crack in the ruined road about fifty feet away. The other two are between it and him. In fact, out of the three players, Roxanne is the closest to the weapon. And that gives Megamind one last crazy idea. Scrambling to his feet, he half-staggers, half-runs in a frantic charge at Titan’s back. He still has enough strength left to leap up onto him, wrapping his legs around his narrow waist and hooking one arm around his neck. With his free hand he points wildly.
“The gun!” he shrieks. “Roxanne, get the Defuser Gun!”
She doesn’t hesitate, holding her ground just long enough to throw the street sign at their enemy. Then she’s running. She doesn’t even look back, so she doesn’t see the sign bounce harmlessly off Titan’s chest, nor does she see Megamind fastening onto his creation with every last limb, even going so far as to grab Hal’s ear in his teeth and bite down as hard as he can. Anything to buy time. Precious seconds. That’s all she needs. If he can just distract the monster long enough for her to reach the gun...
Then Titan reaches behind him, his powerful hands clamping down on Megamind’s shoulders.
“Big mistake, Shrimpy.”
He pulls. Megamind comes off like Velcro, and Hal lifts him overhead, where he pauses for one horrible moment before bringing him all the way over and driving him straight down into the pavement. He lands on his back. The concrete splinters on impact, and Megamind’s world blurs out in a white haze of pain. It feels hot, somehow, his skull and spine consumed with fire while his hands and feet feel suddenly cold.
“Stay down,” Hal orders, then zips off in pursuit of Roxanne.
Megamind stares at the sky. He can feel his body slipping away from him. Unconsciousness. It’s sweeping up through his nerves, shutting him down from the inside. Wouldn’t that be nice? To just close his eyes and go to sleep for a little while? But then Roxanne screams and he rolls onto his side and vomits and then hauls himself to his feet. His legs are shaking too badly, and he makes it two steps before collapsing to his hands and knees.
She’s not hurt. That’s the first thing he checks for, and just for a second, nothing else matters. She’s not hurt. She’s okay. She must have screamed when Hal landed in front of her, because now she’s retreating while he advances slowly. He’s huge. And he’s got the gun.
Game Over doesn’t even begin to cover it.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” the redhead brandishes the weapon triumphantly. “Is this what you were looking for?”
He gives it a skeptical once-over, his eyes narrowing as he finds the glowing red indicator.
“Defuse?” he reads, then looks between them both in dawning realization. “Oh, ohhh, I get it. I created you and I can destroy you just as easily, right? Wrong!”
He grabs the barrel in one hand and the grip in the other. Then he pulls the gun in half. The handle peels away, the complex internal wires drawing out taut until they give way in a series of finite snaps. Megamind gives a helpless groan of despair, and Hal cracks up laughing while Roxanne pivots and races away from him, skidding into a crouch at her hero’s side.
“Megamind!” she gasps, grabbing hold of his arm. “Time for Plan B!”
“That was Plan B!”
“Let me guess,” Titan grins. “There’s no Plan C, is there?”
“I like to improvise,” Megamind tries to sound tough. “It keeps me on my toes.”
“Then I’m gonna knock you off your feet.”
Megamind forces himself to stand and face his enemy. He tries to herd Roxanne behind him with one arm, but she shoves the restraining limb out of the way and stands beside him, her hands raised in fists.
“You should run,” he mutters out of the side of his mouth.
“I’m not leaving you.”
“I can handle it,” he insists. “I’m durable.”
“But you’re not invincible.”
They glance at each in the same instant, and Megamind wonders if he looks as scared as she does. He manages to give her a feeble smile. She tries valiantly to smile back, but her eyes are welling with tears. They’ve both just realized that they can’t win this fight.
“Run,” he urges.
“I won’t.”
“Welp,” Hal shrugs. “I guess I’ll just have to clobber you both.”
Infuriatingly, he aims his first backhand at Roxanne, but Megamind jumps between them and catches the blow on his raised forearms. It’s a stronger hit than he was ready for and his balance goes pinwheeling away from him. He spins and staggers like a cartoon drunkard.
“Oh, you wanna go first?” Titan laughs. “Sure, okay, man. Whatever you want.”
Megamind regains his footing just in time for Hal to kick him in the chest. He goes up and over, his aching back catching his weight once again, his teeth cracking together as his head slams back into the concrete. The world lurches and fades. He suddenly feels like he can’t breathe--- then his vision clears and he sees that Hal’s on top of him, his foot finding the bruise it left before and pressing down hard. Megamind feels his bones creak dangerously. If Hal presses down any harder---
“You son of a bitch!” Roxanne screeches, futilely pummeling her former cameraman in the side. “You bastard, leave him alone!”
“Get off of me!” Titan punctuates the command with a slap that spins her a hundred and eighty degrees.
“Don’t hurt her!” Megamind implores, clawing at the ankle of his captor. “Roxanne, get out of here!”
But she won’t. She comes right back again, and this time she doesn’t even get a chance to land a punch before Hal slaps her again. On the third slap, Megamind sees with horror that her lip has been split wide and there’s a thin stream of blood running from her nose and into her swollen mouth. He’ll beat her to death. Megamind knows this. Hal is lost to his temper, to the deplorable satisfaction of finally being able to hurt Roxanne the way that she apparently hurt him. She made him suffer. He’s going to make her bleed.
And she’s not going to run.
Hysteria nearly destroys Megamind’s capacity for reason, but he rallies his senses and fights for focus. There must be something he can do. He can’t just lie here on his back while the woman he loves is battered by the monster he created. Impulsively, he reaches for his weapon--- which is, of course, still in the holster.
The De-Gun. He hadn’t even thought to use it. After all, it never worked on Metro Man, so of course it wouldn’t work on his mimic--- but it’s not Titan that he needs to worry about now.
He’ll have to be fast. If Hal sees him pulling a gun, he’ll certainly assume that it’s another Defuser, and it would be torn from his grip before he had a chance to fire. All he gets is one shot. As Titan strikes Roxanne for the last time, Megamind drops his hand to his hip and twists the dial of the gun until it’s set to what he needs. Then he calls out for their attention.
“Roxanne!” he says loudly, not as a piteous cry but as an authoritative shout.
It freezes both of them. Hal twists and gives him a look that’s equal parts challenge and dread--- he’s still not convinced that he has the true upper hand. Roxanne sways but remains on her feet. She’s breathing hard and her eyes are watering from the pain of the beating she’s taken. Megamind catches her gaze and holds it. She’s so full of fire. On any other day that would be commendable, but today, it will only put her in harm’s way. If Megamind can make sure that at least she survives this, then that will be his consolation as Titan wrings the life out of him.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers to her.
Then, with the speed of a Western gunslinger, he whips out the gun and fires directly into her chest.
Setting: DEMORALIZE
The beam is deep blue, the color of the darkest and quietest reaches of the ocean. It bursts like a firework on her lovely collarbone, illuminating her face with an azure glow before it’s absorbed into her body--- and just like that, the light goes out of her eyes. Her raised fists sink down to her sides, her ferocious expression fades into one of confusion.
“Roxanne,” Megamind says firmly. “There’s nothing you can do.”
She stares at him blankly.
“There’s nothing you can do,” he repeats, his voice cracking. “Just--- just get out of here. Go far away. Be safe.”
She glances uncertainly between him and Titan, and Megamind finally yells, “Roxanne, go!” Then she gives a weak nod of agreement, turns on her heel, and hurries away, joining the rapidly-retreating crowd as they realize that they aren’t going to bear witness to a heroic victory. Not today. Megamind watches her go, hardly recognizing her, not with her shoulders slumped in defeat and her head hung low. The effect of the beam will wear off in an hour of so, but by then the fight will be long over--- he doubts he can last another ten minutes.
“How sweet,” Hal says, and he plucks the gun from his opponent’s hand with the deft touch of a mother reclaiming a forbidden toy from a disobedient child. “Of course you do know that I’m just gonna track her down when I’m done with you, right?”
“You don’t have to do that,” Megamind says, wincing as Hal snaps off the muzzle of the gun and tosses it carelessly over his shoulder. “Just take it all out on me, all right? I’m the one who set you up. I’m the one who stole your girl.”
Titan’s face darkens, and he leans forward, his weight sinking onto Megamind’s ribcage.
“I don’t think you know what you’re asking for.”
He bounces, and the first bone breaks. Needle-sharp and white-hot, it’s a hairline fracture in the third rib on the left, and Megamind howls. Titan rocks forward again and two more ribs crack, another lower on the left and one on the right. Megamind has never screamed so loud nor hated someone so much--- he’s never really hated anyone, not like this--- and he punches Hal uselessly in the kneecap just so he can say that he fought until the bitter end.
“Learn from this mistake, asshole!” Hal growls, grinding his former mentor into the pavement like a cigarette butt. “You think it’s so great to be a loser? You think it’s some awesome learning opportunity? Well let me tell you something--- being a loser sucks. There are no benefits, there’s nothing special about, it doesn’t make you a better person. It just fucking sucks!”
He drives down hard and Megamind loses track of time, the seconds running out into centuries as three more bones snap--- he thinks, weirdly, of cathedrals, of cracks blasting out through the buttresses until the roof gives way--- his ribs the buttresses, his thoracic cage the roof, and after one too many fractures it can’t hold any more weight. Every nerve in Megamind’s body is aware of his ribcage collapsing into a flail chest, a trio of ribs detaching from the rest of the wall to fall into paradoxical motion. Now every breath pulls the bones hard against his lungs, and he clenches his teeth against the undignified sob that threatens to rip out of his throat.
Hal gives a low whistle of amazement. “Oh, man, even I felt that one.”
And he finally steps off. Megamind rolls on his back, an overturned turtle, helpless. Titan glances around and realizes that the crowd has fled entirely. He purses his lips in disappointment.
“Dude,” he huffs. “They didn’t even stick around to see me finish you.”
“If you are going to finish me,” Megamind wheezes. “I really would prefer sooner rather than later, if that’s okay. I’m kind of in excruciating agony down here.”
“Megamind, I’m disappointed in you!” Hal scolds. “Without an audience? What happened to presentation? If I’m gonna be the new supervillain in this town, we gotta do this right.” An idea suddenly occurs to him and he snaps his fingers. “Got it.”
He pops up into the air and shoots out of sight, only to return a split-second later to pat Megamind on the cheek and say, “I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere.” And he jets away laughing.
It takes a considerable amount of effort, but Megamind rolls onto his hands and knees and starts crawling. He can’t lift his head so he follows the sound of water, dragging himself towards the fountain, inch by awful inch. As he gets nearer, he can hear one last precious voice calling out to him.
“Sir! Sir, are you all right?” Minion’s speech is ragged and weak as he slowly suffocates without his water. “Sir, you need to rest! You’re making it worse, stop moving!”
But Megamind doesn’t stop until the reaches the ruined remains of the mechanical suit, and though his hands are trembling, he manages to scoop up his beloved fish and hold him over the fountain. Minion tries to hold onto him with his fins and tentacles, but Megamind shakes him off and he drops into the water with a reassuring splash. Then the former villain sits back against wall of the fountain to wait. The marble is cool and calming against his throbbing body. Just behind him, he can hear Minion at the water’s edge.
“What are we going to do, Sir?”
“I don’t know,” he murmurs, trying to breathe as little as possible. “I am totally stumped.”
Beside him, the suit twitches, the steady mechanical whir warped into an unpleasant whine.
“Functionality is at a minimum, Sir,” Minion reports. “Less than ten percent. I can just barely move the arms.”
“That’s all right,” Megamind sighs. “There’s nothing you can do, either.”
But there is something Minion can do. The steel hand closest to Megamind jerks and shudders, then carefully reaches out to him, settling awkwardly on his knee. Minion is comforting him. Megamind leans into the familiar rough fur of the massive limb, burying his face in it, his eyes squeezed shut tight.
“I didn’t think it would end like this,” he hisses through gritted teeth. “This is so disappointing.”
“It’s okay, Sir,” Minion says, and Megamind can hear the pained smile in his voice. “I still think you’re cool.”
Megamind sighs again. “Thank you, Minion. You’re the best fish that a supervillain could ever ask for.”
“Oh, Sir,” Minion sniffs. “You’re the best supervillain that a fish could ever ask for.”
A heavy thud and an impact tremor bring Megamind back into the world. Hal has just landed nearby, and on his shoulder sits one of his old news cameras.
“Good thing Roxy brought the van,” he explains proudly. “Now we can broadcast live. I want everyone to see this.”
“Me too,” Megamind agrees, figuring if he’s going to die horribly, it might as well be in front of a sold-out crowd.
“Okay, then!” Hal puts his eye to the viewfinder and a light on the front of the camera blinks red. “So, Mr. Megamind, do you mind if I ask you a few questions?”
“Ugh, a reporter shtick?” Green eyes roll in dismay. “How tacky.”
“What’s it like to be a loser?”
“To quote a not-very-good friend of mine, it fucking sucks.”
“And how does it feel to know that you’ve failed the citizens of Metro City?”
“That fucking sucks, too.”
“How about the fact that you’ve failed the girl of your dreams?”
Megamind screws up his face to answer, but his chest gives a treacherous heave and he coughs. Big mistake. Bones scrape against bones and his lungs buck in protest. He yelps, and coughs again, and tries to hold his breath, but he keeps coughing and it hurts so bad that he tears out two big handfuls of fur from the suit beside him.
“Dude, what’s wrong?” Hal wonders, moving in for a close-up. “You feeling okay?”
“You broke my ribs, you ginger baboon!” Megamind grumbles. “And your moronic newsman routine is turning my death into a punchline.”
“You know, I think it’s really cool that you’ve, like, accepted that I’m going to kill you,” Titan nods in genuine admiration. “You can be a pretty classy guy, sometimes. When you’re not being a colossal douche.”
“Just kill me already!” Megamind groans, exasperated. “Put me out of my misery.”
“Okay, okay, don’t rush me!”
Hal snags another busted lamppost, and with minimal effort on his part, he bends it into something resembling a tripod. It’s steady enough for him to set the camera down upon, and he positions it a certain distance away, far enough to get them both in the frame. Then he marches up to Megamind and turns to face his audience.
“Ladies and gentlemen, in this corner, I give you: Megamind! The terror of Metro City!” He claps a few times as if prompting a crowd. “And in the other corner, I give you: me! Your new worst nightmare! Wooo!”
While he applauds and cheers, Megamind has enough breath left in his body to cry, “Booooo! Boooo!” And it’s oddly fulfilling. He gets to make himself heard, one last time. Hal ignores him.
“Now pay close attention folks, I’d hate for you to miss this. Behold! I, Titan, am taking my rightful place as the new Big Bad! And as they say in Highlander, there can be only one.”
He turns to face the man who made him what he is today, and his brown eyes boil into red, his laser vision building up for a killing blow. Megamind stares him down. That much, at least, he can do. Behind him, Minion whimpers quietly, powerless to do anything else.
“Final combo,” Hal grins hideously. “Fatality.”
And then he’s flying backwards, thrown off his feet by a sudden, staggering uppercut to the chin. There’s someone standing in front of Megamind, someone who appeared out of nowhere, at the last moment, as heroes are prone to do.
“Metro Man?” Megamind splutters.
The hero throws him a quick glance over his shoulder, holding his defensive stance. He’s in his magnificent old uniform, cape and all, but he still has his full beard. Guess it was either get dressed or shave. Whatever. Whatever. He’s here.
“Sorry I took so long,” he says quietly. “Little buddy.”
Megamind could kiss his feet with delight, but he tries to play it cool.
“Yeah, well,” he snorts. “Better late than never, I guess.”
The warm blue eyes crinkle in a smile, and Megamind knows that his old foe can hear the appreciation in his voice.
“Okay, seriously, what the fuck?” Titan bellows. “Is this another stupid trick?”
“Unfortunately for you,” Metro Man cracks his neck. “I’m the genuine article.”
Hal crosses his arms. “Prove it.”
As gracefully as a magician, Metro Man presses his first two fingers to his temple. Then he closes one eye, and a beam of crimson light explodes from the other and into the pavement. Sparks and cement fly, and when he’s finished, the concrete has been carved with the words:
Remember: everyone can be a hero! ~ Metro Man
It’s his standard autograph, and Titan goes completely pale when he sees it. He raises frightened eyes up to meet the hero’s steely gaze. Then, blessedly, beautifully, he takes a step back.
“No way,” he mutters.
Metro Man takes a step forward. “Give up now and I’ll make sure that the DA gives you a good break. As you know, I’m a personal friend of his. And the mayor. And the chief of police. We can do this the hard way, or we can do this the easy way.”
Megamind sags in relief. This is it. They made it. They did it. He will build Metro Man a pleasure palace on the moon if that’s what it takes to show his gratitude. He thinks of Roxanne, somewhere out there, safe and sound. He can’t wait to see her again.
Then Hal says, “Wait, wait, wait. You know what? Fuck that noise.”
Megamind’s eyes fly open. He sees Titan taking the battle stance that he taught him, feet spread wide for balance, knees bent, arms braced. His stomach lurches.
“I’ll bet I can take you on, old man,” Hal challenges. “I’ve got the exact same powers as you, only I’m younger, faster, and oh yeah, way fucking cooler.”
With little other choice, Metro Man squares his shoulders. “The cool ice of Evil is easily melted by the heat of Justice.”
There’s a terrible moment where they all just stand there staring at each other, as if none of them can really believe that it’s come to this. Then Hal strikes first, closing the distance between them in a wild haymaker that brings his fist right into the side of Metro Man’s handsome face.
And for the first time in his life, Metro Man is knocked off balance.
He stumbles into a quarter-turn, far enough that Megamind can see his utterly bewildered expression. They make eye contact. The hero looks genuinely alarmed, and the bottom drops out of Megamind’s stomach. He shakes his head in dismay, in apology, as the true magnitude of his mistake breaks overhead like a thunderstorm.
Then the brawl begins.
Quick as a cobra, Metro Man pivots and hurls himself back against Titan with all his weight. Hal throws his arms around him, almost like he’s welcoming him, and they stagger in a massive bear hug, arms and necks straining as each tries to crush the other. Metro Man has the lower grip, his arms locked around his enemy’s chest, squeezing with enough force to convert a coal mine into a Tiffany’s. Titan scrabbles for a similar grip, but Metro Man’s torso is shielded by his arms and Hal can’t get under or around them. With a frustrated roar, he starts beating his fists against Metro Man’s exposed back, each blow ringing with a sound like a mortar shell.
The hero puts on a sudden burst of flight, intending to flip Hal onto his back--- but Megamind taught him that trick. He taught him all of Metro Man’s tricks, and rather than hit the ground, Hal does a bit of flying himself, accepting the momentum and rolling with it. He tries to maximize the spin so that Metro Man will be the one to end up on his back, but the hero figures out what he’s doing and only pushes harder. With both of them trying to outfly the other, they go spinning up towards the sky. They look like two acrobats, performing an elaborate joined somersault, except that they’re doing so in mid-air and they’re both bellowing like lions. Capes and limbs get tangled into a blur as they roll faster and faster--- then all at once they blast away from each other, coming to a stop about ten feet apart, hovering and circling, looking for an opening.
“Not bad for a rookie,” Metro Man tries to sound casual. “Did you ever think about becoming a superhero?”
“Been there, done that,” Hal sneers. “Bought the t-shirt.”
Metro Man sees an opening and dives in close, hammering with both fists at Titan’s face. He gets in two good wallops before Hal gets his guard up, dropping his head behind raised forearms like a boxer. The hero does not break his attack, pounding relentlessly on that guard, driving Hal backwards through the air. From his rigid stance, Megamind can tell that Titan is trying to push against the assault, but there’s nothing tangible to brace himself against and he’s not yet a skilled enough flier to do without it. All he can do is cower behind his shield and wait for Metro Man to let up--- and when he does, just for a moment to gauge his progress, Hal is ready for him.
“My turn!” he crows.
His arms swing wide and come together in a clap that creates a shockwave, flipping Metro Man off balance in mid-air. Disoriented, the hero regains himself just as Hal plows into him, hand first, his fist closing around Metro Man’s throat. When the hero’s eyes bulge and he grabs onto Hal’s wrist, Megamind realizes that he’s actually being strangled. Never mind a lifetime of death traps and doomsday machines--- the only thing that can break a superman is another superman.
It’s all Metro Man can do to shake lose of the stranglehold and--- retreat. In a white-caped blur, he rockets off towards the sea with a furious Titan in hot pursuit. Megamind stares after them until they’re long gone from sight. Then he turns back to the fountain.
“Now what?”
Minion shrugs his pectorals, at a loss. Then, quite abruptly, Metro Man is crouched beside them, appearing out of thin air. Megamind yelps in alarm and his ribcage spasms dangerously.
“Okay, little buddy, we need a plan. Fast.”
“How did you do that?”
“Do what?”
Megamind gestures vaguely and stammers, “The thing--- the thing with the--- poof!”
“Super speed.” Metro Man winces. “I don’t think I can do it again, though. It takes too much energy and I’m gonna need that for when he figures out that I ditched him. We don’t have much time, we have to think of something.”
“I am all thunk out,” Megamind sighs, dropping his head back against the edge of the fountain. “Plus I’m probably dying.”
“There has to be a way to stop him!”
“There was,” Minion supplies helpfully. “We had a Defuser Gun, but, uh, he broke it.”
“Well,” Metro Man snaps impatiently. “Can’t you fix it?”
“That’s easy for you to say!” Minion puffs up with indignation. “We don’t have any equipment, we don’t have any supplies--- where are we supposed to get new parts from? Thin air? Tell him, Sir!”
But Megamind says nothing. He’s raised his head up again, his eyes glazing as his focus turns inward. Think. You can do this. Don’t lose to a loser. He sees the barrel of the Defuser Gun a certain distance away. The red indicator light is still glowing--- it’s volatile. But the firing mechanism has been destroyed, and a bullet’s no good without a weapon to launch it. He scans the ruined landscape for anything he might be able to use. Then he spots the De-Gun, the nozzle snapped off, the grip and trigger intact.
“I can do it,” he says faintly.
“What?” says Metro Man.
“What?” says Minion.
“I can stop him, I can rebuild the Defuser, I just need time.” He lays a hand on Metro Man’s shoulder. “Can you give me that time?”
The hero nods. “I’ll hold him for as long as I can.”
Their eyes lock. Megamind has no idea what to say. His heart aches with admiration, with ancient affection, and he grabs Metro Man’s other shoulder with his other hand, holding him as best he can. Metro Man mirrors him and they stare at each other, their shared lifetime filling the air around them with weight and wistfulness. It’s funny, but even at the peak of their rivalry, Megamind always sort of hoped for the chance to team up one day. Now that the chance is here, it’s not quite as awesome as he thought it would be.
“Don’t die,” he says. “That’s the plan.”
Metro Man is opening his mouth for a reply when Titan hooks him around the neck and drags him into the nearest building. They vanish into a tunnel of broken glass and swinging ceiling beams, and Megamind turns to his faithful companion.
“Minion, if you have enough mobility to open your emergency tool compartment, do it. If not, I will when I get back.”
“But where are you going?”
“To the hardware store.”
This is going to be the hardest part. There’s no time to crawl--- he’ll have to stand up. Miserably, he shuffles to get his knees under him, his chest screaming and spiraling like a wasp’s nest. He braces his hands on the edge of the fountain, his nails scratching at the impenetrable marble.
“Okay,” he mutters. “Get up.”
His first attempt fails utterly, his arms too weak and the pain too great. He sinks back to the ground, panting and shaking, dizzily aware of Minion peering up between the frame of his hands.
“I can’t do it,” Megamind moans pitifully.
“Yes you can!” Minion declares, his voice as bright and clear as a bell. “Get up, Sir! You can do it! You have to get up! I believe in you, Sir!”
And he doesn’t stop encouraging until Megamind is on his feet, swaying like a reed in the wind but standing all the same. He points down into the water, hoarse with gratitude.
“You are one fantastic fucking fish.”
“I know, Sir,” Minion grins in spite of the horrible situation. “Now get to work.”
Megamind has scarcely gone a few yards out into the open ground before the combatants explode out of a building across the way. It’s almost exactly opposite from the structure they went into, and Megamind wonders if they’ve pounded their way through all the buildings in-between as they circled around, the skyscrapers of Metro City now full of holes like so many beads. The fighters are no longer on an upward track. No, they’re definitely coming down--- and they’re definitely hurtling towards Megamind like a two-man torpedo.
He scrambles out of their flight path, escaping by such a near margin that the wind of their passing almost knocks him over. Then he spins to see them hit the ground. Somehow, Titan has managed to get on top, and he smashes Metro Man into the street so violently that the hero’s back carves a canyon thirty feet long before he manages to wedge one foot up between them to lever Hal off of him with a tremendous kick. The redhead whirls to a stop in mid-air, close enough to Megamind that the latter can’t escape notice. They make eye contact, and then Megamind is tottering away from him as fast as his broken body will allow.
“Hey!” Hal barks. “Where do you think you’re going?”
Megamind has a pretty good guess as to what comes next, and on that hunch he drops to the ground. At the same instant, two laser beams whistle by overhead. That was a close one. Before Hal has a chance to correct his aim, Metro Man is plowing into him, one burly shoulder slamming into the small of Titan’s back, chucking him forward like a cannonball.
By now, Megamind’s system is completely saturated with adrenaline, and it’s much easier to get up the second time. The pain has become so intense that it no longer hurts. It feels alternately hot and cold, and his hands feel weirdly swollen, and more than anything he just wants to drop to his knees and puke his guts out--- but he spurs himself into a jog, his vision telescoping in on the barrel of the Defuser Gun, gleaming only a short distance away. His pace is exhaustingly slow. And he’s usually so nimble! It’s beyond frustrating to be trapped in a body that’s so sluggish to obey him. It occurs to him that he’s probably making it worse by pushing himself like this when he’s hurt so badly, but, well, he doesn’t really have much of a choice there.
As he reaches the Defuser and stoops to retrieve it, vomit suddenly bursts out of his mouth, inexorable and undeniable. He already threw up once before, and now this second round is thick and slimy, the deeper contents of his stomach splattering all over the busted road. He wretches and gags, and even after he’s emptied his belly he continues to dry heave for precious seconds, seconds he can’t afford to waste. When the fit finally subsides, he swipes his mouth with the back of his hand and grabs what’s left of the gun. Right. Okay. One down, one to go, and he still has to make it back to the fountain before he can sit down again.
On his way to the De-Gun, he can’t resist the urge to see how the fight is going.
As far as disclaimers go, he always knew that his old nemesis was going easy on him when it came to combat--- but until today, he never realized how much. Metro Man is a beast. When Hal evades one of his punches, the blow sends a fire engine careening up into the air, and he easily catches it before it can land. With a full tank of water it must weigh at least fifteen tons, and there’s Metro Man, handling it like it’s no heavier than a toy. No banter, not any more. He simply smashes the truck down on Titan’s head. Both villain and vehicle disappear in the resulting cloud of dust and debris, but seconds later Hal is shredding his way out of the ruined chassis, snapping the axel like a toothpick.
“Hey, man, you wanna play Hot Wheels?” he swaggers. “Sounds good to me!”
He jets over to the nearest car--- an SUV with an unfortunate beige paint job--- and flings it at Metro Man with a defiant roar. The hero dodges, then answers with a Mitsubishi-turned-missile. Within moments, the air is filled with automobiles. It’s a snowball fight, and Megamind is the kid with the fuzzy mittens, the ones that the snowballs stick to, making equal combat impossible. He would love to just leave the big kids to fight it out amongst themselves, but he still has to get the De-Gun before he can retreat. Cradling what’s left of the Defuser under the one arm, he holds the other arm over his head so he can trick himself into feeling safe as he sets off in a mad, crooked dash for his goal.
Tires and bumpers rain down around him as cars collide and shatter. Overhead he can hear Hal snarling and screaming in rage, but Metro Man stays remarkably silent--- a glimpse of his face shows him to be grim and resolute, his eyes narrowed in concentration. Already the destruction from their fight is immense. Megamind thinks of that funny old saying about fighting fire with fire. It’s meant to be a good thing, but that never made much sense to him. What he’s always known and what the proverb neglects to mention is that when you do fight fire with fire, everything else burns to the ground.
Forty feet above him, Metro Man and Titan are now whaling on each other with a limousine and a Hummer, respectively. Now it’s a pillow fight? Megamind can’t even be bothered to keep his metaphors straight anymore, and he skids to a stop just long enough to crouch and snatch up the remains of the De-Gun before pivoting and hauling ass back towards the fountain. A steering column just misses him as it plunges from the sky.
Suddenly, the cars stop falling. At the same time, Megamind hears an especially angry yell from Hal, and when he looks up, he sees that they’ve become tangled together again. This time their hands are locked, their faces inches apart, and for a moment it’s a complete stalemate. Then Titan lowers his head, his eyes start to glow, and Megamind calls instinctively, “Metro Man, look out!”
There’s a flurry of capes. By the time they’ve untangled themselves again, they’re chasing each other all over the sky, lasers firing haphazardly and hitting everything except their targets. Buildings are slashed to ribbons. Gas tanks of cars ignite and explode. Megamind bolts for the fountain--- as if being next to it will somehow make him safe--- but it doesn’t matter anyway because a crimson beam comes down at just the perfect angle and lances him in the arm. Both guns tumble from a grip turned suddenly to jelly, and he falls to his knees, hugging the wounded limb to an already-wounded chest.
“Fuck,” he breathes, and it actually feels really good to swear right about now, so he throws back his head and bawls, “Fuck fuck fuuuuck! Fucking fuck, you fucker!”
He checks the damage. It’s a deep gouge in his left bicep, and skinny though he may be, it doesn’t seem to have torn into the bone. The one good thing about the laser is that it cauterized the wound as it made it, so he doesn’t have to worry about bleeding all over the place. He realizes sadly that this could have just as easily come from Metro Man as from Titan, though he’ll certainly never know which one of them fired the shot that hit him.
No use crying over scorched flesh. Well, he’ll probably cry later, but right now there’s work to do. Teeth bared, Megamind scrapes the two weapons up under his good arm and runs the rest of the way back.
“Sir, your arm!” Minion notices immediately. “Are you okay?”
“Of course I’m not okay!” he answers, and his voice sounds more hysterical than he thought it would. “Do you have the tools?”
“Yes, Sir!” There’s an open compartment in the suit’s forearm, a small cache of instruments for quick access around the lair. “We have a wrench, your micro-welder, and a screwdriver.”
“What kind of screwdriver?” Now there's a question that should never be asked in such a tone of desperate panic.
“Oh, it has one of those nifty little reversible heads.”
“Excellent! Now,” he sways, eyes rolling, then slaps himself to restore focus. “Now! To work!”
The city is coming down around his ears. The Woodman Building has taken so many hits that it finally topples over, slamming into the adjacent skyscraper, triggering a domino effect that brings down two more structures in an apocalyptic thunder. The clouds of dust glow red from the lasers firing within. The ground shakes as one combatant pounds the other against the concrete.
Megamind can’t afford to look back now. He fights to keep his vision clear and his attention solely on his delicate work. His left hand is clumsy and weak from the injury, but he makes up for it with the exceptional dexterity of his right, removing screws and stripping wires, dismantling the busted barrel of the De-Gun and replacing it with what’s left of the Defuser. It’s comically oversized in comparison to the small, sleek grip, but the wires match up and it doesn’t have to look pretty. It just has to shoot.
“Is there anything I can do, Sir?” Minion asks, desperate to be of assistance.
“Just--- do that thing you did before. With the you can do it! and stuff. That helped a lot.”
“You can do it, Sir!”
“Good!”
“I believe in you!”
“Perfect!”
He flips on the micro-welder, one of his own designs, and fuses the new handle to the barrel. Officially, it’s the ugliest thing he’s ever made, no sense of style or proportion. He closes his eyes, wraps his hand around the grip, and lays his finger against the trigger.
“Cross your flippers,” he says to Minion. “Here we go.”
He applies a slight pressure.
The trigger resists.
It’s engaged.
And just like that, it’s officially the most important thing he’s ever made.
He whirls around and screams, “Metro Man! It’s ready!”
But now comes the really tricky part--- bringing in the tiger. Hal is in no mood to sit still and take a shot to the face. Megamind only hopes that Metro Man can get him down to the ground long enough to administer the cure. He leaves the illusionary safety of the fountain and lopes out into the open arena, hoping to give the hero a better chance of reaching him.
The fighters shoot by overhead, slamming into the Metro Insurance building and shaking it dangerously. It seems like they’ve tried everything else and now they’ve settled for just pounding the crap out of each other, an outrageous boxing match with no rules.
“Metro Man!” Megamind calls, but when he tries to take a deep breath for a louder cry, his separated ribs bash into his lungs and the hail turns into a howl of agony.
At least it works. Far above, he sees Metro Man see him, and he waves the new Defuser Thing, pointing to it and nodding frantically. Then, rather than grab Hal and drag him down as Megamind had anticipated, Metro Man suddenly dives for the foundation of the skyscraper, careening into it and along it, tearing open a chasm wide enough that the building starts to fall. Megamind stumbles backwards in alarm, but as the impact sends up a shockwave of debris, he’s swept off his feet by none other than Metro Man himself.
“What are you doing?” Megamind yelps. “You’re supposed to bring him to me!”
“I can’t do that, little buddy,” Metro Man pants--- oh shit, he’s really out of breath. “The best I can do is bring you to him.”
The air is shrouded in a thick blanket of dust. Visibility is at a minimum. If they’re ever going to have a chance to sneak up on Titan, this is it. “Are you ready?” Metro Man asks, and Megamind nods, his finger tensing on the trigger.
“Come out, come out, wherever you are!” Hal’s voice taunts somewhere in the cloud. “What’s wrong, are you scared? Come out and face me, Metro Pussy!”
There, just ahead--- Megamind can see the outline of the monstrous form, cruising through the smoke like a shark. He’s moving at the same careful pace as them, searching for his enemy, not suspecting that they’re gliding up silently behind him. Megamind feels himself trembling. One last thing and then he can sleep for days. One last thing. One last thing. This is the easy part, he tells himself. Point and shoot. They get so close to Titan that Megamind could reach out and touch his broad back if he chose. Now or never.
“I’m sorry,” Metro Man says loudly.
Hal whirls to face them, and he’s so surprised to see Megamind riding in the hero’s arms that he hesitates, confused. It’s just enough time for Metro Man to finish his quip.
“Your membership in the Superpowers Club has just expired!”
It’s perfect. Megamind really wanted to do this properly, with flair and wordplay, and since he’s way too fried to think up anything beyond eat shit, asshole! he’s really glad that Metro Man was able to step in with a classic bit of banter. Now, with a savage grin, Megamind jams the gun home. He’s not taking any chances--- the damn thing went in through Hal’s nose, and that’s how it’s coming out. He shoves the nozzle right up Titan’s nostril and yanks back on the trigger.
It works.
Suffused with a golden glow, Hal jerks and shakes and shrinks. He manages one woozy, “awww, man,” then drops out of the sky like a stone. Metro Man, ever gracious, ever the true hero, shifts Megamind into one arm and uses his free hand to catch the former Titan by the ankle. Then they all drift slowly to the ground, silent. It’s over.
Megamind can no longer stand. Metro Man sets him down on his feet, thinking he’s being helpful, but Megamind crumples in stages, going to his knees and then the pavement. He curls up on his good side, the one that doesn’t have a giant broken piece floating around in the middle of it, and it actually feels a little better. He still has a death grip on the gun, and he’s too weak and dazed to muster the willpower to let go. Someone will probably have to wrest it forcefully from his hands. Hopefully they won’t be cold, dead hands at that point.
“You were great,” Metro Man enthuses, crouching beside him. “That was great. We did it.”
“We did it,” Megamind echoes weakly. “Yayyy.”
“You know what this means, don’t you?”
In too much pain to answer, Megamind manages an inquisitive grunt. Metro Man lays a gentle hand on his back.
“You’re a hero.”
It’s really nice. It would be nicer if his lungs weren’t collapsing, but otherwise it’s just what he always wanted--- he saved the day, he saved (most of) the city, and most importantly, he saved his girl. Roxanne will hear what he did, and she’ll be so proud of him.
“You know, I thought I was out of this business for good,” Metro Man says, and his voice sounds a thousand miles away, underwater. “Looks like I was wrong.” He takes Megamind’s hand in his own. “Partner.”
When Megamind opens his mouth to respond, blood comes out.
Then he’s soaring through the sky, which is weird because he doesn’t remember actually dying. Then he realizes that he’s in Metro Man’s arms again and they’re flying somewhere fast. A deep baritone voice says hospital and hold on and Megamind just wants to remind him to make sure that Minion gets out of the fountain all right. He coughs, and the chest of the hero’s ivory uniform is splattered with red. I hope that’ll wash out, he thinks guiltily.
It’s so quiet up here, so peaceful and still. The cool wind rushes over his face. It’s exhilarating. He closes his eyes and rests his head against Metro Man’s shoulder, content. A deep baritone voice says hang in there, little buddy and don’t you die on me. He’s not yet sure if he wants to obey. Oh, well. He has a few minutes yet to make up his mind.
Right now, he’s just going to enjoy the ride.
___________end.
Author: colonel_bastard
Characters/Fandom: Megamind, Hal, Roxanne, Minion, Metro Man. Megamind [dur].
Word Count: 8,905
Rating: R
Summary: An alternate ending to the movie in which Titan destroys the Defuser Gun and all hell breaks loose.
Warnings: Graphic violence, gruesome injuries, mature language, brutality of both a physical and emotional nature. Also, vomit.
Notes: I've had this one kicking around in my head for a while now, and it was so much fun to finally get it all down in words! One small note about the Defuser Gun; considering the fact that Megamind's weapons shoot lasers and such, I chose to make it more of an electrical device, with internal wiring rather than the mechanical gears of a traditional firearm. Other than that, I think the fic pretty much speaks for itself--- I really just wanted an excuse to write an epic fight sequence. To set the mood, I highly recommend listening to Show Me What You've Got by Powerman 5000, from which this fic takes its kick-ass title.
NOW WITH A PAIR OF ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ILLUSTRATIONS BY tripperfunster: CLASH OF THE TITAN(S)!! and POW!! RIGHT IN THE KISSER!!
At the last moment, Megamind desperately grabs onto the inside of the car door, clinging on for all he’s worth. When Titan rips it clean off the vehicle, the invisible shield holds, and Megamind looks down through the window at his enemy’s enormous shoulders, rising and falling in quick jerks. Of course, there’s no way that the superman is out of breath--- he’s panting from old habit, from anger and adrenaline. Hal braces his other hand on the top of the car and Megamind swallows hard when it tips up on the two right tires--- three tons of machinery and Titan could flip it like a tiddlywink if he chose. One red-gloved hand is fisted in the metal right above the curve of Megamind’s abdomen, as he curls himself into an s-shape to remain hidden. More than anything, he knows that he absolutely must not let Titan lay hands on him again. Each time so far he’s tossed him away like a rag doll, but he doesn’t want to find out what will happen if Titan chooses to hold on to him. All he would have to do is squeeze.
Then the invisibility shorts out.
Well, it’s been fun. Megamind smiles weakly and locks the door, hoping that maybe he’ll look so pathetic that Titan will show mercy. Metro Man always showed mercy. Metro Man always just took him to jail, as unscathed as he could manage, all just a part of the game. But Hal has already made it abundantly clear that the game is over, and as those fiery brown eyes narrow in hatred, Megamind feels his own go wide in terror.
“Enjoy the ride,” Titan growls.
And he slings the car door down the street with all of his incredible strength. It rolls over and over again in the air as it hurtles along Sunderland Avenue, and Megamind struggles to find his equilibrium, finally managing to throw his weight in the opposite direction to stop the spinning. Just in time--- less than a second later and the car door hits the pavement. It might have done some serious damage if it had landed on top of him, but now he rides it like a spark-throwing toboggan, screeching and bouncing along the concrete until it hits a downed lamppost and flips. As he’s thrown off, he tries to hold on to the Defuser Gun, but the g-forces rip it from his hands and he tumbles to a stop, supine, unarmed, and hurting in a hundred different places.
Titan descends from above, his feet touching down inches from Megamind’s.
“Not so tough now, are you?” he jeers. “Without the jet packs and the laser guns, you’re just a little shrimp!”
“Shrimp can be dangerous,” Megamind fumbles for banter, scanning the broken street frantically for his weapon. “They’re one of the leading causes of food poisoning!”
“Well, I’ve got news for you, Megamind,” Hal moves closer. “I hate seafood.”
His last step never touches the pavement. Instead, he plants his boot square in the middle of Megamind’s chest, and when he lightly bounces his weight forward, the smaller man gives a squawk of pain. Titan is heavy. And from Hal’s slowly-spreading smile, Megamind can tell that he’s not even trying. Yet.
Clang.
Roxanne brings the street sign down squarely on the back of Hal’s head. It makes a hollow ringing sound, like metal hitting metal, or rather, metal hitting an indestructible skull. Titan whirls to face her, his face contorted in a sneer of disgust.
“Buzz off, bitch!” he snaps. “The men are talking!”
She’s opening her mouth for a retort, or a plea, or something, but Hal smacks the heel of his hand in the center of her breastbone, popping her right off her feet and onto her back with the force of it.
“No!” Megamind yelps.
He tries to clamber to his feet, but before he can even sit up, Titan is back and pinning him down again, his heel digging into his sternum.
“Aww, you don’t like it when I hurt your little girlfriend, do you?” he chuckles. “Well don’t get your panties in a twist. This is just between you and me.”
Clang.
This time Roxanne comes from the side, the sign leveled like a blade and swung with enough force to cause decapitation, or at least something close to it. Megamind takes a moment to marvel at Miss Ritchi. Her face is flushed scarlet, her lips pulled back in a ferocious snarl. He has never seen her so angry. She swings at Hal’s neck, and though it does no physical harm, Megamind sees a flash of alarm in the villain’s eyes, an instinctive mortal terror that no amount of superpowers can ever eradicate.
“Hey!” he hurries to recover. “I said get lost, Roxy! I’ll deal with you later!”
“Deal with me now, you big bully!” she challenges, hefting the sign like a broadsword.
With a grunt of anger, Hal kicks his current prey in the side, then turns and stalks towards his new target. Megamind wants to beg her to run, but as he rolls up to his knees, he sees the Defuser Gun. It’s wedged in a crack in the ruined road about fifty feet away. The other two are between it and him. In fact, out of the three players, Roxanne is the closest to the weapon. And that gives Megamind one last crazy idea. Scrambling to his feet, he half-staggers, half-runs in a frantic charge at Titan’s back. He still has enough strength left to leap up onto him, wrapping his legs around his narrow waist and hooking one arm around his neck. With his free hand he points wildly.
“The gun!” he shrieks. “Roxanne, get the Defuser Gun!”
She doesn’t hesitate, holding her ground just long enough to throw the street sign at their enemy. Then she’s running. She doesn’t even look back, so she doesn’t see the sign bounce harmlessly off Titan’s chest, nor does she see Megamind fastening onto his creation with every last limb, even going so far as to grab Hal’s ear in his teeth and bite down as hard as he can. Anything to buy time. Precious seconds. That’s all she needs. If he can just distract the monster long enough for her to reach the gun...
Then Titan reaches behind him, his powerful hands clamping down on Megamind’s shoulders.
“Big mistake, Shrimpy.”
He pulls. Megamind comes off like Velcro, and Hal lifts him overhead, where he pauses for one horrible moment before bringing him all the way over and driving him straight down into the pavement. He lands on his back. The concrete splinters on impact, and Megamind’s world blurs out in a white haze of pain. It feels hot, somehow, his skull and spine consumed with fire while his hands and feet feel suddenly cold.
“Stay down,” Hal orders, then zips off in pursuit of Roxanne.
Megamind stares at the sky. He can feel his body slipping away from him. Unconsciousness. It’s sweeping up through his nerves, shutting him down from the inside. Wouldn’t that be nice? To just close his eyes and go to sleep for a little while? But then Roxanne screams and he rolls onto his side and vomits and then hauls himself to his feet. His legs are shaking too badly, and he makes it two steps before collapsing to his hands and knees.
She’s not hurt. That’s the first thing he checks for, and just for a second, nothing else matters. She’s not hurt. She’s okay. She must have screamed when Hal landed in front of her, because now she’s retreating while he advances slowly. He’s huge. And he’s got the gun.
Game Over doesn’t even begin to cover it.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” the redhead brandishes the weapon triumphantly. “Is this what you were looking for?”
He gives it a skeptical once-over, his eyes narrowing as he finds the glowing red indicator.
“Defuse?” he reads, then looks between them both in dawning realization. “Oh, ohhh, I get it. I created you and I can destroy you just as easily, right? Wrong!”
He grabs the barrel in one hand and the grip in the other. Then he pulls the gun in half. The handle peels away, the complex internal wires drawing out taut until they give way in a series of finite snaps. Megamind gives a helpless groan of despair, and Hal cracks up laughing while Roxanne pivots and races away from him, skidding into a crouch at her hero’s side.
“Megamind!” she gasps, grabbing hold of his arm. “Time for Plan B!”
“That was Plan B!”
“Let me guess,” Titan grins. “There’s no Plan C, is there?”
“I like to improvise,” Megamind tries to sound tough. “It keeps me on my toes.”
“Then I’m gonna knock you off your feet.”
Megamind forces himself to stand and face his enemy. He tries to herd Roxanne behind him with one arm, but she shoves the restraining limb out of the way and stands beside him, her hands raised in fists.
“You should run,” he mutters out of the side of his mouth.
“I’m not leaving you.”
“I can handle it,” he insists. “I’m durable.”
“But you’re not invincible.”
They glance at each in the same instant, and Megamind wonders if he looks as scared as she does. He manages to give her a feeble smile. She tries valiantly to smile back, but her eyes are welling with tears. They’ve both just realized that they can’t win this fight.
“Run,” he urges.
“I won’t.”
“Welp,” Hal shrugs. “I guess I’ll just have to clobber you both.”
Infuriatingly, he aims his first backhand at Roxanne, but Megamind jumps between them and catches the blow on his raised forearms. It’s a stronger hit than he was ready for and his balance goes pinwheeling away from him. He spins and staggers like a cartoon drunkard.
“Oh, you wanna go first?” Titan laughs. “Sure, okay, man. Whatever you want.”
Megamind regains his footing just in time for Hal to kick him in the chest. He goes up and over, his aching back catching his weight once again, his teeth cracking together as his head slams back into the concrete. The world lurches and fades. He suddenly feels like he can’t breathe--- then his vision clears and he sees that Hal’s on top of him, his foot finding the bruise it left before and pressing down hard. Megamind feels his bones creak dangerously. If Hal presses down any harder---
“You son of a bitch!” Roxanne screeches, futilely pummeling her former cameraman in the side. “You bastard, leave him alone!”
“Get off of me!” Titan punctuates the command with a slap that spins her a hundred and eighty degrees.
“Don’t hurt her!” Megamind implores, clawing at the ankle of his captor. “Roxanne, get out of here!”
But she won’t. She comes right back again, and this time she doesn’t even get a chance to land a punch before Hal slaps her again. On the third slap, Megamind sees with horror that her lip has been split wide and there’s a thin stream of blood running from her nose and into her swollen mouth. He’ll beat her to death. Megamind knows this. Hal is lost to his temper, to the deplorable satisfaction of finally being able to hurt Roxanne the way that she apparently hurt him. She made him suffer. He’s going to make her bleed.
And she’s not going to run.
Hysteria nearly destroys Megamind’s capacity for reason, but he rallies his senses and fights for focus. There must be something he can do. He can’t just lie here on his back while the woman he loves is battered by the monster he created. Impulsively, he reaches for his weapon--- which is, of course, still in the holster.
The De-Gun. He hadn’t even thought to use it. After all, it never worked on Metro Man, so of course it wouldn’t work on his mimic--- but it’s not Titan that he needs to worry about now.
He’ll have to be fast. If Hal sees him pulling a gun, he’ll certainly assume that it’s another Defuser, and it would be torn from his grip before he had a chance to fire. All he gets is one shot. As Titan strikes Roxanne for the last time, Megamind drops his hand to his hip and twists the dial of the gun until it’s set to what he needs. Then he calls out for their attention.
“Roxanne!” he says loudly, not as a piteous cry but as an authoritative shout.
It freezes both of them. Hal twists and gives him a look that’s equal parts challenge and dread--- he’s still not convinced that he has the true upper hand. Roxanne sways but remains on her feet. She’s breathing hard and her eyes are watering from the pain of the beating she’s taken. Megamind catches her gaze and holds it. She’s so full of fire. On any other day that would be commendable, but today, it will only put her in harm’s way. If Megamind can make sure that at least she survives this, then that will be his consolation as Titan wrings the life out of him.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers to her.
Then, with the speed of a Western gunslinger, he whips out the gun and fires directly into her chest.
Setting: DEMORALIZE
The beam is deep blue, the color of the darkest and quietest reaches of the ocean. It bursts like a firework on her lovely collarbone, illuminating her face with an azure glow before it’s absorbed into her body--- and just like that, the light goes out of her eyes. Her raised fists sink down to her sides, her ferocious expression fades into one of confusion.
“Roxanne,” Megamind says firmly. “There’s nothing you can do.”
She stares at him blankly.
“There’s nothing you can do,” he repeats, his voice cracking. “Just--- just get out of here. Go far away. Be safe.”
She glances uncertainly between him and Titan, and Megamind finally yells, “Roxanne, go!” Then she gives a weak nod of agreement, turns on her heel, and hurries away, joining the rapidly-retreating crowd as they realize that they aren’t going to bear witness to a heroic victory. Not today. Megamind watches her go, hardly recognizing her, not with her shoulders slumped in defeat and her head hung low. The effect of the beam will wear off in an hour of so, but by then the fight will be long over--- he doubts he can last another ten minutes.
“How sweet,” Hal says, and he plucks the gun from his opponent’s hand with the deft touch of a mother reclaiming a forbidden toy from a disobedient child. “Of course you do know that I’m just gonna track her down when I’m done with you, right?”
“You don’t have to do that,” Megamind says, wincing as Hal snaps off the muzzle of the gun and tosses it carelessly over his shoulder. “Just take it all out on me, all right? I’m the one who set you up. I’m the one who stole your girl.”
Titan’s face darkens, and he leans forward, his weight sinking onto Megamind’s ribcage.
“I don’t think you know what you’re asking for.”
He bounces, and the first bone breaks. Needle-sharp and white-hot, it’s a hairline fracture in the third rib on the left, and Megamind howls. Titan rocks forward again and two more ribs crack, another lower on the left and one on the right. Megamind has never screamed so loud nor hated someone so much--- he’s never really hated anyone, not like this--- and he punches Hal uselessly in the kneecap just so he can say that he fought until the bitter end.
“Learn from this mistake, asshole!” Hal growls, grinding his former mentor into the pavement like a cigarette butt. “You think it’s so great to be a loser? You think it’s some awesome learning opportunity? Well let me tell you something--- being a loser sucks. There are no benefits, there’s nothing special about, it doesn’t make you a better person. It just fucking sucks!”
He drives down hard and Megamind loses track of time, the seconds running out into centuries as three more bones snap--- he thinks, weirdly, of cathedrals, of cracks blasting out through the buttresses until the roof gives way--- his ribs the buttresses, his thoracic cage the roof, and after one too many fractures it can’t hold any more weight. Every nerve in Megamind’s body is aware of his ribcage collapsing into a flail chest, a trio of ribs detaching from the rest of the wall to fall into paradoxical motion. Now every breath pulls the bones hard against his lungs, and he clenches his teeth against the undignified sob that threatens to rip out of his throat.
Hal gives a low whistle of amazement. “Oh, man, even I felt that one.”
And he finally steps off. Megamind rolls on his back, an overturned turtle, helpless. Titan glances around and realizes that the crowd has fled entirely. He purses his lips in disappointment.
“Dude,” he huffs. “They didn’t even stick around to see me finish you.”
“If you are going to finish me,” Megamind wheezes. “I really would prefer sooner rather than later, if that’s okay. I’m kind of in excruciating agony down here.”
“Megamind, I’m disappointed in you!” Hal scolds. “Without an audience? What happened to presentation? If I’m gonna be the new supervillain in this town, we gotta do this right.” An idea suddenly occurs to him and he snaps his fingers. “Got it.”
He pops up into the air and shoots out of sight, only to return a split-second later to pat Megamind on the cheek and say, “I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere.” And he jets away laughing.
It takes a considerable amount of effort, but Megamind rolls onto his hands and knees and starts crawling. He can’t lift his head so he follows the sound of water, dragging himself towards the fountain, inch by awful inch. As he gets nearer, he can hear one last precious voice calling out to him.
“Sir! Sir, are you all right?” Minion’s speech is ragged and weak as he slowly suffocates without his water. “Sir, you need to rest! You’re making it worse, stop moving!”
But Megamind doesn’t stop until the reaches the ruined remains of the mechanical suit, and though his hands are trembling, he manages to scoop up his beloved fish and hold him over the fountain. Minion tries to hold onto him with his fins and tentacles, but Megamind shakes him off and he drops into the water with a reassuring splash. Then the former villain sits back against wall of the fountain to wait. The marble is cool and calming against his throbbing body. Just behind him, he can hear Minion at the water’s edge.
“What are we going to do, Sir?”
“I don’t know,” he murmurs, trying to breathe as little as possible. “I am totally stumped.”
Beside him, the suit twitches, the steady mechanical whir warped into an unpleasant whine.
“Functionality is at a minimum, Sir,” Minion reports. “Less than ten percent. I can just barely move the arms.”
“That’s all right,” Megamind sighs. “There’s nothing you can do, either.”
But there is something Minion can do. The steel hand closest to Megamind jerks and shudders, then carefully reaches out to him, settling awkwardly on his knee. Minion is comforting him. Megamind leans into the familiar rough fur of the massive limb, burying his face in it, his eyes squeezed shut tight.
“I didn’t think it would end like this,” he hisses through gritted teeth. “This is so disappointing.”
“It’s okay, Sir,” Minion says, and Megamind can hear the pained smile in his voice. “I still think you’re cool.”
Megamind sighs again. “Thank you, Minion. You’re the best fish that a supervillain could ever ask for.”
“Oh, Sir,” Minion sniffs. “You’re the best supervillain that a fish could ever ask for.”
A heavy thud and an impact tremor bring Megamind back into the world. Hal has just landed nearby, and on his shoulder sits one of his old news cameras.
“Good thing Roxy brought the van,” he explains proudly. “Now we can broadcast live. I want everyone to see this.”
“Me too,” Megamind agrees, figuring if he’s going to die horribly, it might as well be in front of a sold-out crowd.
“Okay, then!” Hal puts his eye to the viewfinder and a light on the front of the camera blinks red. “So, Mr. Megamind, do you mind if I ask you a few questions?”
“Ugh, a reporter shtick?” Green eyes roll in dismay. “How tacky.”
“What’s it like to be a loser?”
“To quote a not-very-good friend of mine, it fucking sucks.”
“And how does it feel to know that you’ve failed the citizens of Metro City?”
“That fucking sucks, too.”
“How about the fact that you’ve failed the girl of your dreams?”
Megamind screws up his face to answer, but his chest gives a treacherous heave and he coughs. Big mistake. Bones scrape against bones and his lungs buck in protest. He yelps, and coughs again, and tries to hold his breath, but he keeps coughing and it hurts so bad that he tears out two big handfuls of fur from the suit beside him.
“Dude, what’s wrong?” Hal wonders, moving in for a close-up. “You feeling okay?”
“You broke my ribs, you ginger baboon!” Megamind grumbles. “And your moronic newsman routine is turning my death into a punchline.”
“You know, I think it’s really cool that you’ve, like, accepted that I’m going to kill you,” Titan nods in genuine admiration. “You can be a pretty classy guy, sometimes. When you’re not being a colossal douche.”
“Just kill me already!” Megamind groans, exasperated. “Put me out of my misery.”
“Okay, okay, don’t rush me!”
Hal snags another busted lamppost, and with minimal effort on his part, he bends it into something resembling a tripod. It’s steady enough for him to set the camera down upon, and he positions it a certain distance away, far enough to get them both in the frame. Then he marches up to Megamind and turns to face his audience.
“Ladies and gentlemen, in this corner, I give you: Megamind! The terror of Metro City!” He claps a few times as if prompting a crowd. “And in the other corner, I give you: me! Your new worst nightmare! Wooo!”
While he applauds and cheers, Megamind has enough breath left in his body to cry, “Booooo! Boooo!” And it’s oddly fulfilling. He gets to make himself heard, one last time. Hal ignores him.
“Now pay close attention folks, I’d hate for you to miss this. Behold! I, Titan, am taking my rightful place as the new Big Bad! And as they say in Highlander, there can be only one.”
He turns to face the man who made him what he is today, and his brown eyes boil into red, his laser vision building up for a killing blow. Megamind stares him down. That much, at least, he can do. Behind him, Minion whimpers quietly, powerless to do anything else.
“Final combo,” Hal grins hideously. “Fatality.”
And then he’s flying backwards, thrown off his feet by a sudden, staggering uppercut to the chin. There’s someone standing in front of Megamind, someone who appeared out of nowhere, at the last moment, as heroes are prone to do.
“Metro Man?” Megamind splutters.
The hero throws him a quick glance over his shoulder, holding his defensive stance. He’s in his magnificent old uniform, cape and all, but he still has his full beard. Guess it was either get dressed or shave. Whatever. Whatever. He’s here.
“Sorry I took so long,” he says quietly. “Little buddy.”
Megamind could kiss his feet with delight, but he tries to play it cool.
“Yeah, well,” he snorts. “Better late than never, I guess.”
The warm blue eyes crinkle in a smile, and Megamind knows that his old foe can hear the appreciation in his voice.
“Okay, seriously, what the fuck?” Titan bellows. “Is this another stupid trick?”
“Unfortunately for you,” Metro Man cracks his neck. “I’m the genuine article.”
Hal crosses his arms. “Prove it.”
As gracefully as a magician, Metro Man presses his first two fingers to his temple. Then he closes one eye, and a beam of crimson light explodes from the other and into the pavement. Sparks and cement fly, and when he’s finished, the concrete has been carved with the words:
Remember: everyone can be a hero! ~ Metro Man
It’s his standard autograph, and Titan goes completely pale when he sees it. He raises frightened eyes up to meet the hero’s steely gaze. Then, blessedly, beautifully, he takes a step back.
“No way,” he mutters.
Metro Man takes a step forward. “Give up now and I’ll make sure that the DA gives you a good break. As you know, I’m a personal friend of his. And the mayor. And the chief of police. We can do this the hard way, or we can do this the easy way.”
Megamind sags in relief. This is it. They made it. They did it. He will build Metro Man a pleasure palace on the moon if that’s what it takes to show his gratitude. He thinks of Roxanne, somewhere out there, safe and sound. He can’t wait to see her again.
Then Hal says, “Wait, wait, wait. You know what? Fuck that noise.”
Megamind’s eyes fly open. He sees Titan taking the battle stance that he taught him, feet spread wide for balance, knees bent, arms braced. His stomach lurches.
“I’ll bet I can take you on, old man,” Hal challenges. “I’ve got the exact same powers as you, only I’m younger, faster, and oh yeah, way fucking cooler.”
With little other choice, Metro Man squares his shoulders. “The cool ice of Evil is easily melted by the heat of Justice.”
There’s a terrible moment where they all just stand there staring at each other, as if none of them can really believe that it’s come to this. Then Hal strikes first, closing the distance between them in a wild haymaker that brings his fist right into the side of Metro Man’s handsome face.
And for the first time in his life, Metro Man is knocked off balance.
He stumbles into a quarter-turn, far enough that Megamind can see his utterly bewildered expression. They make eye contact. The hero looks genuinely alarmed, and the bottom drops out of Megamind’s stomach. He shakes his head in dismay, in apology, as the true magnitude of his mistake breaks overhead like a thunderstorm.
Then the brawl begins.
Quick as a cobra, Metro Man pivots and hurls himself back against Titan with all his weight. Hal throws his arms around him, almost like he’s welcoming him, and they stagger in a massive bear hug, arms and necks straining as each tries to crush the other. Metro Man has the lower grip, his arms locked around his enemy’s chest, squeezing with enough force to convert a coal mine into a Tiffany’s. Titan scrabbles for a similar grip, but Metro Man’s torso is shielded by his arms and Hal can’t get under or around them. With a frustrated roar, he starts beating his fists against Metro Man’s exposed back, each blow ringing with a sound like a mortar shell.
The hero puts on a sudden burst of flight, intending to flip Hal onto his back--- but Megamind taught him that trick. He taught him all of Metro Man’s tricks, and rather than hit the ground, Hal does a bit of flying himself, accepting the momentum and rolling with it. He tries to maximize the spin so that Metro Man will be the one to end up on his back, but the hero figures out what he’s doing and only pushes harder. With both of them trying to outfly the other, they go spinning up towards the sky. They look like two acrobats, performing an elaborate joined somersault, except that they’re doing so in mid-air and they’re both bellowing like lions. Capes and limbs get tangled into a blur as they roll faster and faster--- then all at once they blast away from each other, coming to a stop about ten feet apart, hovering and circling, looking for an opening.
“Not bad for a rookie,” Metro Man tries to sound casual. “Did you ever think about becoming a superhero?”
“Been there, done that,” Hal sneers. “Bought the t-shirt.”
Metro Man sees an opening and dives in close, hammering with both fists at Titan’s face. He gets in two good wallops before Hal gets his guard up, dropping his head behind raised forearms like a boxer. The hero does not break his attack, pounding relentlessly on that guard, driving Hal backwards through the air. From his rigid stance, Megamind can tell that Titan is trying to push against the assault, but there’s nothing tangible to brace himself against and he’s not yet a skilled enough flier to do without it. All he can do is cower behind his shield and wait for Metro Man to let up--- and when he does, just for a moment to gauge his progress, Hal is ready for him.
“My turn!” he crows.
His arms swing wide and come together in a clap that creates a shockwave, flipping Metro Man off balance in mid-air. Disoriented, the hero regains himself just as Hal plows into him, hand first, his fist closing around Metro Man’s throat. When the hero’s eyes bulge and he grabs onto Hal’s wrist, Megamind realizes that he’s actually being strangled. Never mind a lifetime of death traps and doomsday machines--- the only thing that can break a superman is another superman.
It’s all Metro Man can do to shake lose of the stranglehold and--- retreat. In a white-caped blur, he rockets off towards the sea with a furious Titan in hot pursuit. Megamind stares after them until they’re long gone from sight. Then he turns back to the fountain.
“Now what?”
Minion shrugs his pectorals, at a loss. Then, quite abruptly, Metro Man is crouched beside them, appearing out of thin air. Megamind yelps in alarm and his ribcage spasms dangerously.
“Okay, little buddy, we need a plan. Fast.”
“How did you do that?”
“Do what?”
Megamind gestures vaguely and stammers, “The thing--- the thing with the--- poof!”
“Super speed.” Metro Man winces. “I don’t think I can do it again, though. It takes too much energy and I’m gonna need that for when he figures out that I ditched him. We don’t have much time, we have to think of something.”
“I am all thunk out,” Megamind sighs, dropping his head back against the edge of the fountain. “Plus I’m probably dying.”
“There has to be a way to stop him!”
“There was,” Minion supplies helpfully. “We had a Defuser Gun, but, uh, he broke it.”
“Well,” Metro Man snaps impatiently. “Can’t you fix it?”
“That’s easy for you to say!” Minion puffs up with indignation. “We don’t have any equipment, we don’t have any supplies--- where are we supposed to get new parts from? Thin air? Tell him, Sir!”
But Megamind says nothing. He’s raised his head up again, his eyes glazing as his focus turns inward. Think. You can do this. Don’t lose to a loser. He sees the barrel of the Defuser Gun a certain distance away. The red indicator light is still glowing--- it’s volatile. But the firing mechanism has been destroyed, and a bullet’s no good without a weapon to launch it. He scans the ruined landscape for anything he might be able to use. Then he spots the De-Gun, the nozzle snapped off, the grip and trigger intact.
“I can do it,” he says faintly.
“What?” says Metro Man.
“What?” says Minion.
“I can stop him, I can rebuild the Defuser, I just need time.” He lays a hand on Metro Man’s shoulder. “Can you give me that time?”
The hero nods. “I’ll hold him for as long as I can.”
Their eyes lock. Megamind has no idea what to say. His heart aches with admiration, with ancient affection, and he grabs Metro Man’s other shoulder with his other hand, holding him as best he can. Metro Man mirrors him and they stare at each other, their shared lifetime filling the air around them with weight and wistfulness. It’s funny, but even at the peak of their rivalry, Megamind always sort of hoped for the chance to team up one day. Now that the chance is here, it’s not quite as awesome as he thought it would be.
“Don’t die,” he says. “That’s the plan.”
Metro Man is opening his mouth for a reply when Titan hooks him around the neck and drags him into the nearest building. They vanish into a tunnel of broken glass and swinging ceiling beams, and Megamind turns to his faithful companion.
“Minion, if you have enough mobility to open your emergency tool compartment, do it. If not, I will when I get back.”
“But where are you going?”
“To the hardware store.”
This is going to be the hardest part. There’s no time to crawl--- he’ll have to stand up. Miserably, he shuffles to get his knees under him, his chest screaming and spiraling like a wasp’s nest. He braces his hands on the edge of the fountain, his nails scratching at the impenetrable marble.
“Okay,” he mutters. “Get up.”
His first attempt fails utterly, his arms too weak and the pain too great. He sinks back to the ground, panting and shaking, dizzily aware of Minion peering up between the frame of his hands.
“I can’t do it,” Megamind moans pitifully.
“Yes you can!” Minion declares, his voice as bright and clear as a bell. “Get up, Sir! You can do it! You have to get up! I believe in you, Sir!”
And he doesn’t stop encouraging until Megamind is on his feet, swaying like a reed in the wind but standing all the same. He points down into the water, hoarse with gratitude.
“You are one fantastic fucking fish.”
“I know, Sir,” Minion grins in spite of the horrible situation. “Now get to work.”
Megamind has scarcely gone a few yards out into the open ground before the combatants explode out of a building across the way. It’s almost exactly opposite from the structure they went into, and Megamind wonders if they’ve pounded their way through all the buildings in-between as they circled around, the skyscrapers of Metro City now full of holes like so many beads. The fighters are no longer on an upward track. No, they’re definitely coming down--- and they’re definitely hurtling towards Megamind like a two-man torpedo.
He scrambles out of their flight path, escaping by such a near margin that the wind of their passing almost knocks him over. Then he spins to see them hit the ground. Somehow, Titan has managed to get on top, and he smashes Metro Man into the street so violently that the hero’s back carves a canyon thirty feet long before he manages to wedge one foot up between them to lever Hal off of him with a tremendous kick. The redhead whirls to a stop in mid-air, close enough to Megamind that the latter can’t escape notice. They make eye contact, and then Megamind is tottering away from him as fast as his broken body will allow.
“Hey!” Hal barks. “Where do you think you’re going?”
Megamind has a pretty good guess as to what comes next, and on that hunch he drops to the ground. At the same instant, two laser beams whistle by overhead. That was a close one. Before Hal has a chance to correct his aim, Metro Man is plowing into him, one burly shoulder slamming into the small of Titan’s back, chucking him forward like a cannonball.
By now, Megamind’s system is completely saturated with adrenaline, and it’s much easier to get up the second time. The pain has become so intense that it no longer hurts. It feels alternately hot and cold, and his hands feel weirdly swollen, and more than anything he just wants to drop to his knees and puke his guts out--- but he spurs himself into a jog, his vision telescoping in on the barrel of the Defuser Gun, gleaming only a short distance away. His pace is exhaustingly slow. And he’s usually so nimble! It’s beyond frustrating to be trapped in a body that’s so sluggish to obey him. It occurs to him that he’s probably making it worse by pushing himself like this when he’s hurt so badly, but, well, he doesn’t really have much of a choice there.
As he reaches the Defuser and stoops to retrieve it, vomit suddenly bursts out of his mouth, inexorable and undeniable. He already threw up once before, and now this second round is thick and slimy, the deeper contents of his stomach splattering all over the busted road. He wretches and gags, and even after he’s emptied his belly he continues to dry heave for precious seconds, seconds he can’t afford to waste. When the fit finally subsides, he swipes his mouth with the back of his hand and grabs what’s left of the gun. Right. Okay. One down, one to go, and he still has to make it back to the fountain before he can sit down again.
On his way to the De-Gun, he can’t resist the urge to see how the fight is going.
As far as disclaimers go, he always knew that his old nemesis was going easy on him when it came to combat--- but until today, he never realized how much. Metro Man is a beast. When Hal evades one of his punches, the blow sends a fire engine careening up into the air, and he easily catches it before it can land. With a full tank of water it must weigh at least fifteen tons, and there’s Metro Man, handling it like it’s no heavier than a toy. No banter, not any more. He simply smashes the truck down on Titan’s head. Both villain and vehicle disappear in the resulting cloud of dust and debris, but seconds later Hal is shredding his way out of the ruined chassis, snapping the axel like a toothpick.
“Hey, man, you wanna play Hot Wheels?” he swaggers. “Sounds good to me!”
He jets over to the nearest car--- an SUV with an unfortunate beige paint job--- and flings it at Metro Man with a defiant roar. The hero dodges, then answers with a Mitsubishi-turned-missile. Within moments, the air is filled with automobiles. It’s a snowball fight, and Megamind is the kid with the fuzzy mittens, the ones that the snowballs stick to, making equal combat impossible. He would love to just leave the big kids to fight it out amongst themselves, but he still has to get the De-Gun before he can retreat. Cradling what’s left of the Defuser under the one arm, he holds the other arm over his head so he can trick himself into feeling safe as he sets off in a mad, crooked dash for his goal.
Tires and bumpers rain down around him as cars collide and shatter. Overhead he can hear Hal snarling and screaming in rage, but Metro Man stays remarkably silent--- a glimpse of his face shows him to be grim and resolute, his eyes narrowed in concentration. Already the destruction from their fight is immense. Megamind thinks of that funny old saying about fighting fire with fire. It’s meant to be a good thing, but that never made much sense to him. What he’s always known and what the proverb neglects to mention is that when you do fight fire with fire, everything else burns to the ground.
Forty feet above him, Metro Man and Titan are now whaling on each other with a limousine and a Hummer, respectively. Now it’s a pillow fight? Megamind can’t even be bothered to keep his metaphors straight anymore, and he skids to a stop just long enough to crouch and snatch up the remains of the De-Gun before pivoting and hauling ass back towards the fountain. A steering column just misses him as it plunges from the sky.
Suddenly, the cars stop falling. At the same time, Megamind hears an especially angry yell from Hal, and when he looks up, he sees that they’ve become tangled together again. This time their hands are locked, their faces inches apart, and for a moment it’s a complete stalemate. Then Titan lowers his head, his eyes start to glow, and Megamind calls instinctively, “Metro Man, look out!”
There’s a flurry of capes. By the time they’ve untangled themselves again, they’re chasing each other all over the sky, lasers firing haphazardly and hitting everything except their targets. Buildings are slashed to ribbons. Gas tanks of cars ignite and explode. Megamind bolts for the fountain--- as if being next to it will somehow make him safe--- but it doesn’t matter anyway because a crimson beam comes down at just the perfect angle and lances him in the arm. Both guns tumble from a grip turned suddenly to jelly, and he falls to his knees, hugging the wounded limb to an already-wounded chest.
“Fuck,” he breathes, and it actually feels really good to swear right about now, so he throws back his head and bawls, “Fuck fuck fuuuuck! Fucking fuck, you fucker!”
He checks the damage. It’s a deep gouge in his left bicep, and skinny though he may be, it doesn’t seem to have torn into the bone. The one good thing about the laser is that it cauterized the wound as it made it, so he doesn’t have to worry about bleeding all over the place. He realizes sadly that this could have just as easily come from Metro Man as from Titan, though he’ll certainly never know which one of them fired the shot that hit him.
No use crying over scorched flesh. Well, he’ll probably cry later, but right now there’s work to do. Teeth bared, Megamind scrapes the two weapons up under his good arm and runs the rest of the way back.
“Sir, your arm!” Minion notices immediately. “Are you okay?”
“Of course I’m not okay!” he answers, and his voice sounds more hysterical than he thought it would. “Do you have the tools?”
“Yes, Sir!” There’s an open compartment in the suit’s forearm, a small cache of instruments for quick access around the lair. “We have a wrench, your micro-welder, and a screwdriver.”
“What kind of screwdriver?” Now there's a question that should never be asked in such a tone of desperate panic.
“Oh, it has one of those nifty little reversible heads.”
“Excellent! Now,” he sways, eyes rolling, then slaps himself to restore focus. “Now! To work!”
The city is coming down around his ears. The Woodman Building has taken so many hits that it finally topples over, slamming into the adjacent skyscraper, triggering a domino effect that brings down two more structures in an apocalyptic thunder. The clouds of dust glow red from the lasers firing within. The ground shakes as one combatant pounds the other against the concrete.
Megamind can’t afford to look back now. He fights to keep his vision clear and his attention solely on his delicate work. His left hand is clumsy and weak from the injury, but he makes up for it with the exceptional dexterity of his right, removing screws and stripping wires, dismantling the busted barrel of the De-Gun and replacing it with what’s left of the Defuser. It’s comically oversized in comparison to the small, sleek grip, but the wires match up and it doesn’t have to look pretty. It just has to shoot.
“Is there anything I can do, Sir?” Minion asks, desperate to be of assistance.
“Just--- do that thing you did before. With the you can do it! and stuff. That helped a lot.”
“You can do it, Sir!”
“Good!”
“I believe in you!”
“Perfect!”
He flips on the micro-welder, one of his own designs, and fuses the new handle to the barrel. Officially, it’s the ugliest thing he’s ever made, no sense of style or proportion. He closes his eyes, wraps his hand around the grip, and lays his finger against the trigger.
“Cross your flippers,” he says to Minion. “Here we go.”
He applies a slight pressure.
The trigger resists.
It’s engaged.
And just like that, it’s officially the most important thing he’s ever made.
He whirls around and screams, “Metro Man! It’s ready!”
But now comes the really tricky part--- bringing in the tiger. Hal is in no mood to sit still and take a shot to the face. Megamind only hopes that Metro Man can get him down to the ground long enough to administer the cure. He leaves the illusionary safety of the fountain and lopes out into the open arena, hoping to give the hero a better chance of reaching him.
The fighters shoot by overhead, slamming into the Metro Insurance building and shaking it dangerously. It seems like they’ve tried everything else and now they’ve settled for just pounding the crap out of each other, an outrageous boxing match with no rules.
“Metro Man!” Megamind calls, but when he tries to take a deep breath for a louder cry, his separated ribs bash into his lungs and the hail turns into a howl of agony.
At least it works. Far above, he sees Metro Man see him, and he waves the new Defuser Thing, pointing to it and nodding frantically. Then, rather than grab Hal and drag him down as Megamind had anticipated, Metro Man suddenly dives for the foundation of the skyscraper, careening into it and along it, tearing open a chasm wide enough that the building starts to fall. Megamind stumbles backwards in alarm, but as the impact sends up a shockwave of debris, he’s swept off his feet by none other than Metro Man himself.
“What are you doing?” Megamind yelps. “You’re supposed to bring him to me!”
“I can’t do that, little buddy,” Metro Man pants--- oh shit, he’s really out of breath. “The best I can do is bring you to him.”
The air is shrouded in a thick blanket of dust. Visibility is at a minimum. If they’re ever going to have a chance to sneak up on Titan, this is it. “Are you ready?” Metro Man asks, and Megamind nods, his finger tensing on the trigger.
“Come out, come out, wherever you are!” Hal’s voice taunts somewhere in the cloud. “What’s wrong, are you scared? Come out and face me, Metro Pussy!”
There, just ahead--- Megamind can see the outline of the monstrous form, cruising through the smoke like a shark. He’s moving at the same careful pace as them, searching for his enemy, not suspecting that they’re gliding up silently behind him. Megamind feels himself trembling. One last thing and then he can sleep for days. One last thing. One last thing. This is the easy part, he tells himself. Point and shoot. They get so close to Titan that Megamind could reach out and touch his broad back if he chose. Now or never.
“I’m sorry,” Metro Man says loudly.
Hal whirls to face them, and he’s so surprised to see Megamind riding in the hero’s arms that he hesitates, confused. It’s just enough time for Metro Man to finish his quip.
“Your membership in the Superpowers Club has just expired!”
It’s perfect. Megamind really wanted to do this properly, with flair and wordplay, and since he’s way too fried to think up anything beyond eat shit, asshole! he’s really glad that Metro Man was able to step in with a classic bit of banter. Now, with a savage grin, Megamind jams the gun home. He’s not taking any chances--- the damn thing went in through Hal’s nose, and that’s how it’s coming out. He shoves the nozzle right up Titan’s nostril and yanks back on the trigger.
It works.
Suffused with a golden glow, Hal jerks and shakes and shrinks. He manages one woozy, “awww, man,” then drops out of the sky like a stone. Metro Man, ever gracious, ever the true hero, shifts Megamind into one arm and uses his free hand to catch the former Titan by the ankle. Then they all drift slowly to the ground, silent. It’s over.
Megamind can no longer stand. Metro Man sets him down on his feet, thinking he’s being helpful, but Megamind crumples in stages, going to his knees and then the pavement. He curls up on his good side, the one that doesn’t have a giant broken piece floating around in the middle of it, and it actually feels a little better. He still has a death grip on the gun, and he’s too weak and dazed to muster the willpower to let go. Someone will probably have to wrest it forcefully from his hands. Hopefully they won’t be cold, dead hands at that point.
“You were great,” Metro Man enthuses, crouching beside him. “That was great. We did it.”
“We did it,” Megamind echoes weakly. “Yayyy.”
“You know what this means, don’t you?”
In too much pain to answer, Megamind manages an inquisitive grunt. Metro Man lays a gentle hand on his back.
“You’re a hero.”
It’s really nice. It would be nicer if his lungs weren’t collapsing, but otherwise it’s just what he always wanted--- he saved the day, he saved (most of) the city, and most importantly, he saved his girl. Roxanne will hear what he did, and she’ll be so proud of him.
“You know, I thought I was out of this business for good,” Metro Man says, and his voice sounds a thousand miles away, underwater. “Looks like I was wrong.” He takes Megamind’s hand in his own. “Partner.”
When Megamind opens his mouth to respond, blood comes out.
Then he’s soaring through the sky, which is weird because he doesn’t remember actually dying. Then he realizes that he’s in Metro Man’s arms again and they’re flying somewhere fast. A deep baritone voice says hospital and hold on and Megamind just wants to remind him to make sure that Minion gets out of the fountain all right. He coughs, and the chest of the hero’s ivory uniform is splattered with red. I hope that’ll wash out, he thinks guiltily.
It’s so quiet up here, so peaceful and still. The cool wind rushes over his face. It’s exhilarating. He closes his eyes and rests his head against Metro Man’s shoulder, content. A deep baritone voice says hang in there, little buddy and don’t you die on me. He’s not yet sure if he wants to obey. Oh, well. He has a few minutes yet to make up his mind.
Right now, he’s just going to enjoy the ride.
___________end.