(no subject)
I dunno if I said this already or not. I might have said it out loud but I don't think on here. I decided some time last month that I'm swearing off women until college, not because it'll actually make a noticeable difference to anyone else, but the struggle is worse than the loneliness and I don't feel like playing that game anymore for a while, so I'm just gonna suck it up for a little while. Okay, cool, whatever.
The only flaw in this plan, of course, was Maria, but this is no longer an issue, because I discovered yesterday that she does pot. And just like that I was relieved because now I can reason with myself and the side that says to try something with her doesn't have an argument anymore.
But this unearths the same old issues I always complain about in these entries. How many people reading this think I'm a fucking pussy dumbass for letting pot be a reason not to associate with someone? Not that I give a shit, but to make a point.
The other day I went into my brother's room looking for his mp3 player charger so I could borrow it because I lent mine to my dad. He wasn't home so I just went up there, and when I opened the door the smell of pot grabbed me by the throat and threw me against the wall. I don't know why I was so naive to think that just because I'm the only person in the world who doesn't do pot that my family would be untouchable too, and I'm tired of assuming my values apply to other people too.
To everyone who was at Ryan's party Friday night - I love all of you with every fiber of my being, and for those who don't know I'm very selective to whom I apply that word. I don't mean to criticise or point fingers or say that I'm holier than thou or anything like that because I am fully aware that this is MY problem and I'm not gonna judge anyone. It's not a matter of right and wrong. I wasn't gonna tell anyone this because I wasn't sure if anyone would get concerned or not and I don't want that to happen, but at one point on Friday night when people were talking about relationships and hookups, and especially when Nicole said something about "just a hookup," I had to leave. I snuck out the door when I thought nobody was looking and sat there out back for a little while before going to my car to play some metal (I ended up playing a goddamn fucking ballad) and I just sat there for a while because I knew I couldn't be part of that.
The thing is it's not about me being alone and single and shit, and it's not about never being kissed or anything, because I'm sure if I felt like it I could get enough ass to get by, but I never would because I do not stand for intimacy without commitment and I don't support anything that does, and that's why I had to be alone and it's why I'll always be alone. I know none of this seems like a big deal to anyone else but this is an everyday sort of thing; every one of these little conflicts I've described here were one day after the other and I'm sure something's gonna happen today too. Don't think I'm trying to say that I'm better than anyone or any shit like that because I'll never deny my own gaping faults but this is a personal thing that while I can't hold against anyone else for not agreeing with I'm still gonna take hits for standing up for it. And as long as my morals call me to take the fall for them I'm going to.
Not looking for advice or support or anything. Just letting it out.
The only flaw in this plan, of course, was Maria, but this is no longer an issue, because I discovered yesterday that she does pot. And just like that I was relieved because now I can reason with myself and the side that says to try something with her doesn't have an argument anymore.
But this unearths the same old issues I always complain about in these entries. How many people reading this think I'm a fucking pussy dumbass for letting pot be a reason not to associate with someone? Not that I give a shit, but to make a point.
The other day I went into my brother's room looking for his mp3 player charger so I could borrow it because I lent mine to my dad. He wasn't home so I just went up there, and when I opened the door the smell of pot grabbed me by the throat and threw me against the wall. I don't know why I was so naive to think that just because I'm the only person in the world who doesn't do pot that my family would be untouchable too, and I'm tired of assuming my values apply to other people too.
To everyone who was at Ryan's party Friday night - I love all of you with every fiber of my being, and for those who don't know I'm very selective to whom I apply that word. I don't mean to criticise or point fingers or say that I'm holier than thou or anything like that because I am fully aware that this is MY problem and I'm not gonna judge anyone. It's not a matter of right and wrong. I wasn't gonna tell anyone this because I wasn't sure if anyone would get concerned or not and I don't want that to happen, but at one point on Friday night when people were talking about relationships and hookups, and especially when Nicole said something about "just a hookup," I had to leave. I snuck out the door when I thought nobody was looking and sat there out back for a little while before going to my car to play some metal (I ended up playing a goddamn fucking ballad) and I just sat there for a while because I knew I couldn't be part of that.
The thing is it's not about me being alone and single and shit, and it's not about never being kissed or anything, because I'm sure if I felt like it I could get enough ass to get by, but I never would because I do not stand for intimacy without commitment and I don't support anything that does, and that's why I had to be alone and it's why I'll always be alone. I know none of this seems like a big deal to anyone else but this is an everyday sort of thing; every one of these little conflicts I've described here were one day after the other and I'm sure something's gonna happen today too. Don't think I'm trying to say that I'm better than anyone or any shit like that because I'll never deny my own gaping faults but this is a personal thing that while I can't hold against anyone else for not agreeing with I'm still gonna take hits for standing up for it. And as long as my morals call me to take the fall for them I'm going to.
Not looking for advice or support or anything. Just letting it out.