all the excuses i made for you...im broken in two
......im in my apartment with my new ibook with so many emotions running through me.
i really just cant handle this, and i feel like now that im here in san francisco maybe i did it for many wrong reasons, especially ones that people discouraged me for leaving for. But now that im here and now that im trying it on my own, i know this isnt for me.
LA is my home, la is my life...and i am very grateful for everything everyone has done for me, to help me get here, but im making this decision to leave and im doing it for myself.
i think this whole year i just kept trying to convince myself, yea..san francisco will be awesome for me, and i guess i never really realized what i was getting into...
this past year i worked my ass off, i set a goal, that now that i think about it...was a goal that was set by someone else, and since i couldnt think of a better one, i just pursued it and convinced myself it would be the best for me, and make me happy. i worked all summer to get here and pay rent, and now im stuck with one of the worst roomates, and a place that i cannot ever call home.
i convinced myself this year that i needed to get away from things and i couldnt stay in la and my life stay the same...but now i see that there was nothing wrong with my life, and it only wouldve stayed the same if i let it. I know im capable of doing things in SF, but i know im capable of so much more in LA. Knowing that i left when things were at there best leaves me feeling so down. But knowing even more, that im going to be disappointing so many people when i come back will hurt even more.
The last thing i want to do is let anyone down. But they need to understand this whole time ive been living a dream that wasnt mine. A dream i convinced myself was mine. I was handed so much so soon, so much i wasnt ready to deal with.
I know i seem like im quitting, but im not quitting when my heart isnt in it. i didnt take the baby steps to get here, i just threw myself into it blind. And being so sheltered for most of my life has left me so mixed up.
i cant eat, i cant sleep. If i stay i will waste away. But im trying to enjoy this experience to the best of my ability before i leave, and try to drown out all the things everyone says to me, because ive pretty much made up my mind.
My new friends are really cool, but not as cool as my ones back home. They occupy me for the time being i guess.
i really wish someone could just see my pain and understand coming back is the best thing for me. And although i am walking away from what could be a great experience, it just wasnt for me.
i feel by doing this, im going to ruin one of the most important relationships in my life....but this time im not scared to do it, because this is for ME. Im doing something for myself rather than letting others tell me how to do it, where to do it, when to do it and why to do it.
i wish it was so much easier for me to convey my feelings and i think i found one strong person to confide in it to here in sf, and im very lucky for that. He actually listens to me and can somewhat relate to me, since he's also from la. Through saying how i feel in this post, i just feel like im making excuses for myself..and thats not what im trying to do at all.
,khgklshgklshgskhgkshgkshgkhgkhgkhkkgsghks
i really just cant handle this, and i feel like now that im here in san francisco maybe i did it for many wrong reasons, especially ones that people discouraged me for leaving for. But now that im here and now that im trying it on my own, i know this isnt for me.
LA is my home, la is my life...and i am very grateful for everything everyone has done for me, to help me get here, but im making this decision to leave and im doing it for myself.
i think this whole year i just kept trying to convince myself, yea..san francisco will be awesome for me, and i guess i never really realized what i was getting into...
this past year i worked my ass off, i set a goal, that now that i think about it...was a goal that was set by someone else, and since i couldnt think of a better one, i just pursued it and convinced myself it would be the best for me, and make me happy. i worked all summer to get here and pay rent, and now im stuck with one of the worst roomates, and a place that i cannot ever call home.
i convinced myself this year that i needed to get away from things and i couldnt stay in la and my life stay the same...but now i see that there was nothing wrong with my life, and it only wouldve stayed the same if i let it. I know im capable of doing things in SF, but i know im capable of so much more in LA. Knowing that i left when things were at there best leaves me feeling so down. But knowing even more, that im going to be disappointing so many people when i come back will hurt even more.
The last thing i want to do is let anyone down. But they need to understand this whole time ive been living a dream that wasnt mine. A dream i convinced myself was mine. I was handed so much so soon, so much i wasnt ready to deal with.
I know i seem like im quitting, but im not quitting when my heart isnt in it. i didnt take the baby steps to get here, i just threw myself into it blind. And being so sheltered for most of my life has left me so mixed up.
i cant eat, i cant sleep. If i stay i will waste away. But im trying to enjoy this experience to the best of my ability before i leave, and try to drown out all the things everyone says to me, because ive pretty much made up my mind.
My new friends are really cool, but not as cool as my ones back home. They occupy me for the time being i guess.
i really wish someone could just see my pain and understand coming back is the best thing for me. And although i am walking away from what could be a great experience, it just wasnt for me.
i feel by doing this, im going to ruin one of the most important relationships in my life....but this time im not scared to do it, because this is for ME. Im doing something for myself rather than letting others tell me how to do it, where to do it, when to do it and why to do it.
i wish it was so much easier for me to convey my feelings and i think i found one strong person to confide in it to here in sf, and im very lucky for that. He actually listens to me and can somewhat relate to me, since he's also from la. Through saying how i feel in this post, i just feel like im making excuses for myself..and thats not what im trying to do at all.
,khgklshgklshgskhgkshgkshgkhgkhgkhkkgsghks