i cant help but think, its slowly ending....
I dont think i can recall a time that my heart has hurt the way it does now. I feel like everything is so overwhelming and everyone is annoying me and i am sadden at the thought im not going to be spending nearly enough time with emilio anymore. Now that things are changing for us both, i dont know how its going to turn out for us. If we'll be able to balance our lives and find time for eachother. Im unsure as to what the outcome will be, but i just gotta hold on, and hope it turns out in our favor.
Tomorrow i start beauty school and for four months i will be giving up my afternoon and evenings as well as my saturdays five times a week, with sunday and monday being the only days i have off. i will have to find time to balance schoolwork, family, college applications and find time for emilio. Tomorrow he starts his new job, will have to balance time between work, school and his band practices, and find time for me. How we will do this, i dont know. I just dont know....it hurts my heart, but i know it time for me to start taking risks, i took one during summer, and it worked out. i just gotta hope this time its going to be ok again.
Ive been very overwhelmed lately with everything thats been going on, and just not all here mentally. I dont feel like talking to anyone, and the two people i have opened up to, dont really seem to understand me. but its ok, its going to have to be, whether i like it or not. I love my classes, i like having lots of work, just now that cosmotology is starting, i dont know if i will have time to keep up with school and complete the beauty school work. i am absolutely having doubts about going, and have been all week. and im so confused about what i should do. I mean, i dont want to go through the manicuring portion of the program, but i have to, to proceed to the makeup and hair part. I was thinking ill put it off again until after i graduate, but then emilio told me that i should try it for a month, and see how it works out, because ill never know how i like it until i try it. I know he's right. i know i need to adjust my attitude, and be more optimistic, because my negativity isnt helping my situation one bit. I know i should really get a job, and get a car, so things will be easier for me. But since im not going to do that, i will be taking 6 buses daily through rain and shine. [i cannot imagine how many times im going to get bronchitis this year]
I sometimes wish i could just connect with someone that understands how i feel. I know its so cliche to say as a teenager, "no one understands" but thats truely how i feel. Im tired of people talking to me about things of unimportance, and i just stare at them blankely agreeing with everything they're saying as if im really listening when the truth is, i have fifty million other things running through my mind.
I guess its time to grow up. But i hate feeling like i havent been a kid long enough. i feel like ive grown up too fast. sometimes i dont mind, but many times i just want to give up and be carefree and take everything lightly. I think at the rate im going, im going to start my college freshman year at cal state la, and take things from there. because right now, im not sure how im going to get my life together. That school isnt that bad, and im tired of people putting it down. But then at the same time, i just want to get away....from everyone, from my life here. I want to try something new, somewhere else and see where it takes me. I just dont have enough confidence yet to do that.
well thats how i feel tonite. im super sad, and realizing i need to stop feeling like this and embrace everything that is happening to me. Anywhoo, this weekend was quite a long weekend. I retook the reasoning portion of the SAT test. and walked all the way home from cal state la. which turned out to be an interesting walk home. Emilio picked me up to go to his show, and then we got into a car accident, which was weird [i dont feel like going into details about it] and then we went to his show after fixing the flat...his band ANGEL CITY SOUND won first place at the battle of the bands, which was amazing. im so happy for them, those kids deserve it, they've worked so hard for it.
now i have to do two days worth of homework, so i can come home and relax tomorrow. i really miss frank. i miss talking to him about everything [you need to come home soon.]