sober, eh?

[collegery]

i have a problem. my problem is that i have an addictive personality and i love the self-inflicted pain that accompanies abusing my body. if you take a cross-section of my life and look at any individual day, i typically don't drink more than an average person would on that day. my problem is, i can't stop. i love the highs and the lows of my

Comments

[anonymous]

I never thought I'd ever post an entry in your journal... but here I am, I don't know why I even read your ramblings because most of them are simply you denying your reality. And surprise, every entry is about your love affair with alcohol. I gave you every ounce of my existence Ryne, and you know that. And you gave me yours. You can call me a one night stand and a mistake or whatever you want, but you know damn well that is a complete lie. And if you discredit those first ten days and the entire tenure of our relationship then you are losing what you always said were the best ten days (and relationship) you will probably ever have in your life. And you know that at one point you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. And everyone you associated with knew that too, even your academic advisor knew that and even she noticed you are not the person we both loved four months ago when you went in to see her. Its not surprising that you have completely detached yourself from anyone that knew how in love we were, or even the person you were, before you completely let yourself go. You probably deny it still today and that's fine. All I know is this, The biggest smile was on your face when we were together and you knew we fit perfectly. Sure when you're wasted and you're sweeping all of your real problems and emotions under the carpet its easy to say things to make it appear less painful. Fact is, you know alcohol and the effect it had on your personality was a huge, if not _the_ reason, our utopia failed. The fact that you play it down and minimize it into a few sentences that don't even do our time together justice makes me want to vomit. Even though it failed I still hold a place for you that no man will ever fill and I have never once said it was a mistake. I watched you wither away from me with that bottle in your hand and all you did was lie and blame shit on me. And I knew you were lying, I just kept hoping you'd go back to being who you really are. You threw away something amazing, and you drank away any realization. If you thought I was a mistake you would have no problem looking at me and telling me that. But you have yet to this day given me a face to face explanation for the way you acted and treated me that last month or so. You can't even look at me.. you can't even stand tall and face the decisions you have made. Maybe this attempt at a clear mind will help to open your eyes and you'll finally have a chance to deal with the things you've been running from. Me, Jaret, your decisions, whatever. You know what it is you need to deal with, and your life is never going to get better until you just deal with it.

I will always love the person I met May 7, 04. And I will always smile when I remember the times I had with him. I have accepted that that person is gone and has been for longer than I even wanted to admit. You were my baby boy. I only hope that one day you can clean up your act, find and be that person again because you truly were amazing.