i hate winter
there are few things on or about this earth that i hate more than winter. lately i've been hearing a lot of people commenting about the beauty of fall because of the leaves changing colors, and i realized that fall only means winter is on the way. most of the leaves have already started to die and fall off, decomposing into waste, which parallels my experience each winter for the past five years. see, that is all winter is really, death. everything is fucking dead. dead and cold, there really can't be a worse combination. for an ironic attempt at compensating for this sorry season, we've created a holiday that is supposed to make everyone jolly right smack dab in the middle of the deary death called winter. i guess i'm just not a big fan of christmas either, but that is getting a little off the point.
back to my leaf analogy. you see, there is another reason why i hate winter. for the past five years, i've suffered horrible depression during the freezing months of the year. as sure as death and taxes, i fall into a very dark place when the sunlight goes away. i guess its because i was born in august, but i live for the sun. the beach, warmth. people outside, enjoying being alive. winter inspires mental images of sitting alone in a dark place with nothing around you but dark, cold space. people aren't around outside, you are stuck inside unless you enjoy frolicing around in snow, which only makes you wet and cold in the long run. when you take away my summer, and force me into a situation like that, its no wonder that i can't stand my existence throughout the duration of my stay in the prison that is winter.
i'm not really sure if depression is the proper word, in the medical world i'm sure it would be diagnosed differently, but i use it in this sense because its a famaliar feeling i can relate to how i feel and act during winter. i become more quiet, isolated, restless. i listen to different music. i drink more. i drink a lot more during the winter. most of the time other things happen in my life that coincide with my personal depression and by the time spring rolls around and life comes back to my world, i've taken some huge steps backward in my life. how far will i fall into the downward spiral this year? is there a chance i'll catch myself before i hit rock bottom this time? or when the light finally comes back, will it be further down the tunnel than it was when it disappeared? i'm not sure, but i can gaurentee i'll be writing about it the entire time. maybe by documenting my struggles throughout this inevitable hell i'll have a better understanding of exactly what is going on. enough about this subject for right now ...
after a long, crazy, and most likely unnesscessary night of drinking a commonly say, in reference to the previous night, "that was a crazy game of poker." yeah its a rip-off of o.a.r. but its how i really feel sometimes when i wake up and revisit all the instances that occured the night before. well, the past two weeks have been the fucking world series of poker. it really has been a crazy little binge here, but that's normal. i went through a phase where i wasn't drinking much, and now it cycles around to the point where i'm probably drinking a little too much now. of course, that cycle falls perfectly in line with the start of the winter season, so we'll see what happens. the binge is just about over, i can feel it in my body when i woke up this morning. the problem is, with a drinking cycle, i keep telling myself that i'll just go all out one night and then chill out. i've always been a big fan of going out with a bang, ya know? well, this is what happens. let's say that theoretically going out with a bang means drinking 5 beers. haha, yeah, we're just gunna use five for an example. well i'll drink five beers one night. but then the next night, i'll try to go out with a bigger bang and drink 10. each night becomes an attempt to outdo the night before so that i'm finally "satisfied" enough to chill out a little bit. each night involves more friends, more bars, more booze, more abuse. until i finally catch myself, like i think i have for now, or until i completely destroy my body to the point where i'm waking up with shakes and can barely function. thats the ultimate sign my body sends me to chill the fuck out, man. any of my old roommates and some of my friends can testify what those days are like for me. they hurt.
i think that is enough for right now. i got a new book, i haven't started reading it yet, and i know you can't judge a book by its cover but it sounds really good. its about this guy, who at 23, was an alcoholic for 10 years and a crack addict for three. he checked into rehab and they told him he would be dead by 24 if he didn't change his lifestyle. this book is his account of his six weeks in rehab. very rarely do i anticipate reading a book greater than i am right now. it sounds absolutely amazing. also, i want to write a little book review on "The Doors of Perception," the book i mentioned in a previous entry. since i know that nobody will actually buy the book just because i loved it, maybe i can force feed you a little education since you have nothing better to do than READ WHAT I'M WRITING. don't get me wrong, i love knowing people actually read this stupid livejournal. but i'd like a few more comments! anyway, enjoy the slow painful death that is upon us, the winter season.
back to my leaf analogy. you see, there is another reason why i hate winter. for the past five years, i've suffered horrible depression during the freezing months of the year. as sure as death and taxes, i fall into a very dark place when the sunlight goes away. i guess its because i was born in august, but i live for the sun. the beach, warmth. people outside, enjoying being alive. winter inspires mental images of sitting alone in a dark place with nothing around you but dark, cold space. people aren't around outside, you are stuck inside unless you enjoy frolicing around in snow, which only makes you wet and cold in the long run. when you take away my summer, and force me into a situation like that, its no wonder that i can't stand my existence throughout the duration of my stay in the prison that is winter.
i'm not really sure if depression is the proper word, in the medical world i'm sure it would be diagnosed differently, but i use it in this sense because its a famaliar feeling i can relate to how i feel and act during winter. i become more quiet, isolated, restless. i listen to different music. i drink more. i drink a lot more during the winter. most of the time other things happen in my life that coincide with my personal depression and by the time spring rolls around and life comes back to my world, i've taken some huge steps backward in my life. how far will i fall into the downward spiral this year? is there a chance i'll catch myself before i hit rock bottom this time? or when the light finally comes back, will it be further down the tunnel than it was when it disappeared? i'm not sure, but i can gaurentee i'll be writing about it the entire time. maybe by documenting my struggles throughout this inevitable hell i'll have a better understanding of exactly what is going on. enough about this subject for right now ...
after a long, crazy, and most likely unnesscessary night of drinking a commonly say, in reference to the previous night, "that was a crazy game of poker." yeah its a rip-off of o.a.r. but its how i really feel sometimes when i wake up and revisit all the instances that occured the night before. well, the past two weeks have been the fucking world series of poker. it really has been a crazy little binge here, but that's normal. i went through a phase where i wasn't drinking much, and now it cycles around to the point where i'm probably drinking a little too much now. of course, that cycle falls perfectly in line with the start of the winter season, so we'll see what happens. the binge is just about over, i can feel it in my body when i woke up this morning. the problem is, with a drinking cycle, i keep telling myself that i'll just go all out one night and then chill out. i've always been a big fan of going out with a bang, ya know? well, this is what happens. let's say that theoretically going out with a bang means drinking 5 beers. haha, yeah, we're just gunna use five for an example. well i'll drink five beers one night. but then the next night, i'll try to go out with a bigger bang and drink 10. each night becomes an attempt to outdo the night before so that i'm finally "satisfied" enough to chill out a little bit. each night involves more friends, more bars, more booze, more abuse. until i finally catch myself, like i think i have for now, or until i completely destroy my body to the point where i'm waking up with shakes and can barely function. thats the ultimate sign my body sends me to chill the fuck out, man. any of my old roommates and some of my friends can testify what those days are like for me. they hurt.
i think that is enough for right now. i got a new book, i haven't started reading it yet, and i know you can't judge a book by its cover but it sounds really good. its about this guy, who at 23, was an alcoholic for 10 years and a crack addict for three. he checked into rehab and they told him he would be dead by 24 if he didn't change his lifestyle. this book is his account of his six weeks in rehab. very rarely do i anticipate reading a book greater than i am right now. it sounds absolutely amazing. also, i want to write a little book review on "The Doors of Perception," the book i mentioned in a previous entry. since i know that nobody will actually buy the book just because i loved it, maybe i can force feed you a little education since you have nothing better to do than READ WHAT I'M WRITING. don't get me wrong, i love knowing people actually read this stupid livejournal. but i'd like a few more comments! anyway, enjoy the slow painful death that is upon us, the winter season.