this is long overdue
tonight's entry, much like my favorite play, will be "much ado about nothing." i have nothing burning my mind to write about, and i haven't come up with any new theories about life that i feel are worth discussing. however, i have been dying to find time to write about whatever it is in my head that won't go away, and i just haven't made time to do it recently. various social escapades, responsibilities with school and work, as well as that waste of time known as sleep have restricted my availability to write. so once again, this might be one more paragraph or one more hour. it might find a single theme and stick to it or it might bounce around more than, a, um, bouncy ball. or something. anyway, for the first time, i will try to "title" my paragraphs based on the main ideas contained within them, so you won't have to read the entire thing if only the last few sentences strike an interest.
"starting over"
my first thought of the night is a rhetorical question, because i'm almost positive that at some point everyone has been able to answer yes. have you ever thought about just saying "fuck it." seriously, to everything in your life, just fuck it. i've thought about that often throughout my life, and its been a reoccuring theme lately as well. have you ever been overcome with a desire to cut ties with everything and everyone in your life, move somewhere far, far away and just start completely over? if financially able to support yourself, did it ever seem appealing to leave everything that you've ever known so you can start again somewhere new? i've spent a lot of time wishing that i knew as much as who i am, and about life, as i did ten years ago, hell even just five years ago. the problem is, there are too many people involved in my past that will never let go of their judgements of who i am, even though i am a completely new person now (more on this later). so instead of wasting time and energy trying to re-create myself in my current situation, i've often thought of just leaving everything and starting somewhere new. creating and entire new identify for myself based on who i am now, and seeing where my life would lead from there. i am not saying im not happy now; this is the most structured and productive my life has ever been. i am just saying i can't shake the feeling that i am missing something, that i should be doing something else right now, something more. maybe its the book that i've been writing in my head for about a month now, maybe its time to start putting that on paper. or maybe its just an experience that i've been putting off way too long that i need to explore. i just wonder instead of having to live with the mistakes of your past, instead of trying to convince people that you've become someone else, if you've ever wanted to just clean off the slate and start a new lifestyle in a new place and leave all the stress of your previous life behind. i'd love to give it a try sometime ...
"friends - by request"
okay, this is more or less a long overdue fufillment of a request by a friend of mine. a young protege i guess you could say. we've talked a lot recently about books we've read, philosopies we've analyzed, and experiences we've heard or had. this kid is only a young high school student, and i envy the fact that he has been enlightened to the world that i didn't discover until a few years ago in my college days. however, he is still going through the typical problems that a high school kid would, and he asked me a semi-personal question the other night; the ironic part is, i can recall being in the same situation, and i think i owe it to him to explain what i did then, and what i think now. so here it goes. my friend said that he is currently struggling with which group of friends to hang out with, who is worth the effort to fit in? everyone knows about the clicks in high school, there is always the popular kids (mostly athletes and partiers), the smart kids, the group that does way too many drugs, and then the other minority clicks (skaters, punks, goth, band, etc). he said he is right in the middle of the smart kids and the popular kids. he has friends that are in the popular group, so he can hang out with them, but doesn't really fit in unless he really tries hard. the smart kids are his better friends, but don't always understand him and don't like to party, so he doesn't really like being around them anymore. unfortunately, it seems he is a tweener, stuck inbetween clicks. that was me in high school. i never fit in with any group, ever. i really hate high school, and i'm pretty sure that i have intentionally forgotten the majority of my high school years by mentally blocking them out over the past five years. i have isolated myself from anyone that i graduated with and used college as a "clean slate" like i spoke of in my opening paragraph. now that i am back in the valley i grew up in, that isn't working so well, but thats another story. anyway, i was always considered smart, because i got good grades. so i had class with all the smart kids, who therefore became my friends since i was around them all the time growing up. i also played sports, so i was friends with a lot of the popular kids around late middle schoool. however, i didn't party, at all. i never even tasted alcohol until march of my senior year. so i didn't fit in with the popular kids, and i didn't want to fit in with the smart kids because i refused to acknowledge myself as an intelligent kid. i was stuck inbetween and never fit in, and i stayed there. i never made any real good friends, thats why it was so easy to lose contact with everyone once i started college. my advice to you, my friend, is just to be yourself. i know that is a cliche, but its true. i spent way too much time trying to act cool and not smart, and i just ended up looking stupid. i went through four years of being a poser, a loser. college changed all that for me, i found who i am and started acting that way throughout the years up until now, when i've finally found myself, kinda. but my advice to you is to party hard, i know you like to. take advantage of the education that you are receiving because it will help you in college; high school is just prep for college, man. the classes and the social life is nothing compared to what you'll experience in a few years. make sure you learn as much as possible in high school because it will make college easier, which means you can party more, and the college social life is one hundred times more fun and more important than high school social life. i wouldn't worry too much about the popular click right now. your reputation in high school means nothing the minute you step on a college campus, it IS your clean slate. go to the parties that you can, just don't expect to always fit in; just remember, high school is just a training ground for the bigger picture. just spend time finding yourself, don't be embarassed of your abilities, make sure you do everything you want, never fear rejection or potential. the mistakes you make are only going to prevent you from making them further down the road. be safe and have fun, man, just remember - high school, although its your entire world right now, is totally irrelevant as soon as you throw your cap into the air at graduation, man. rock 'n roll
wow, i'm kinda exhausted after that one. i'm going to finish my beer, plus, i need some music, i totally forgot to listen to anything while writing for the first time ever. oh by the way, if you have ANY interest WHAT SO EVER in what i wrote about the use of the human brain, or about the need to escape reality, you HAVE TO READ The Doors of Perception by Aldous Huxley. It actually contains a lot of interesting theories and information regarding those two exact theories, go figure. It was really fascinating to me and maybe I will post some blurbs from the book at some point. I shouldn't have been surprised at my amazement and obbession with the book ... it was after reading it that Jim Morrison decided to name his band "The Doors."
"starting over"
my first thought of the night is a rhetorical question, because i'm almost positive that at some point everyone has been able to answer yes. have you ever thought about just saying "fuck it." seriously, to everything in your life, just fuck it. i've thought about that often throughout my life, and its been a reoccuring theme lately as well. have you ever been overcome with a desire to cut ties with everything and everyone in your life, move somewhere far, far away and just start completely over? if financially able to support yourself, did it ever seem appealing to leave everything that you've ever known so you can start again somewhere new? i've spent a lot of time wishing that i knew as much as who i am, and about life, as i did ten years ago, hell even just five years ago. the problem is, there are too many people involved in my past that will never let go of their judgements of who i am, even though i am a completely new person now (more on this later). so instead of wasting time and energy trying to re-create myself in my current situation, i've often thought of just leaving everything and starting somewhere new. creating and entire new identify for myself based on who i am now, and seeing where my life would lead from there. i am not saying im not happy now; this is the most structured and productive my life has ever been. i am just saying i can't shake the feeling that i am missing something, that i should be doing something else right now, something more. maybe its the book that i've been writing in my head for about a month now, maybe its time to start putting that on paper. or maybe its just an experience that i've been putting off way too long that i need to explore. i just wonder instead of having to live with the mistakes of your past, instead of trying to convince people that you've become someone else, if you've ever wanted to just clean off the slate and start a new lifestyle in a new place and leave all the stress of your previous life behind. i'd love to give it a try sometime ...
"friends - by request"
okay, this is more or less a long overdue fufillment of a request by a friend of mine. a young protege i guess you could say. we've talked a lot recently about books we've read, philosopies we've analyzed, and experiences we've heard or had. this kid is only a young high school student, and i envy the fact that he has been enlightened to the world that i didn't discover until a few years ago in my college days. however, he is still going through the typical problems that a high school kid would, and he asked me a semi-personal question the other night; the ironic part is, i can recall being in the same situation, and i think i owe it to him to explain what i did then, and what i think now. so here it goes. my friend said that he is currently struggling with which group of friends to hang out with, who is worth the effort to fit in? everyone knows about the clicks in high school, there is always the popular kids (mostly athletes and partiers), the smart kids, the group that does way too many drugs, and then the other minority clicks (skaters, punks, goth, band, etc). he said he is right in the middle of the smart kids and the popular kids. he has friends that are in the popular group, so he can hang out with them, but doesn't really fit in unless he really tries hard. the smart kids are his better friends, but don't always understand him and don't like to party, so he doesn't really like being around them anymore. unfortunately, it seems he is a tweener, stuck inbetween clicks. that was me in high school. i never fit in with any group, ever. i really hate high school, and i'm pretty sure that i have intentionally forgotten the majority of my high school years by mentally blocking them out over the past five years. i have isolated myself from anyone that i graduated with and used college as a "clean slate" like i spoke of in my opening paragraph. now that i am back in the valley i grew up in, that isn't working so well, but thats another story. anyway, i was always considered smart, because i got good grades. so i had class with all the smart kids, who therefore became my friends since i was around them all the time growing up. i also played sports, so i was friends with a lot of the popular kids around late middle schoool. however, i didn't party, at all. i never even tasted alcohol until march of my senior year. so i didn't fit in with the popular kids, and i didn't want to fit in with the smart kids because i refused to acknowledge myself as an intelligent kid. i was stuck inbetween and never fit in, and i stayed there. i never made any real good friends, thats why it was so easy to lose contact with everyone once i started college. my advice to you, my friend, is just to be yourself. i know that is a cliche, but its true. i spent way too much time trying to act cool and not smart, and i just ended up looking stupid. i went through four years of being a poser, a loser. college changed all that for me, i found who i am and started acting that way throughout the years up until now, when i've finally found myself, kinda. but my advice to you is to party hard, i know you like to. take advantage of the education that you are receiving because it will help you in college; high school is just prep for college, man. the classes and the social life is nothing compared to what you'll experience in a few years. make sure you learn as much as possible in high school because it will make college easier, which means you can party more, and the college social life is one hundred times more fun and more important than high school social life. i wouldn't worry too much about the popular click right now. your reputation in high school means nothing the minute you step on a college campus, it IS your clean slate. go to the parties that you can, just don't expect to always fit in; just remember, high school is just a training ground for the bigger picture. just spend time finding yourself, don't be embarassed of your abilities, make sure you do everything you want, never fear rejection or potential. the mistakes you make are only going to prevent you from making them further down the road. be safe and have fun, man, just remember - high school, although its your entire world right now, is totally irrelevant as soon as you throw your cap into the air at graduation, man. rock 'n roll
wow, i'm kinda exhausted after that one. i'm going to finish my beer, plus, i need some music, i totally forgot to listen to anything while writing for the first time ever. oh by the way, if you have ANY interest WHAT SO EVER in what i wrote about the use of the human brain, or about the need to escape reality, you HAVE TO READ The Doors of Perception by Aldous Huxley. It actually contains a lot of interesting theories and information regarding those two exact theories, go figure. It was really fascinating to me and maybe I will post some blurbs from the book at some point. I shouldn't have been surprised at my amazement and obbession with the book ... it was after reading it that Jim Morrison decided to name his band "The Doors."