Fic: Neither Hope Nor Fear (1/3)
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Many thanks to nygirl7of9 for the beta.
Summary: There's a situation. Sam's stubborn. Tag to 9.23, Do You Believe in Miracles? Or, what I want to see in the first two episodes of S10.
Spoilers: Through to the end of S9.
Neither Hope Nor Fear
Cain opens the door right away. He looks like he was expecting Dean to visit.
"Was it worth it?" is the first thing he asks. "Killing Abaddon? Becoming one of the things you used to hunt?"
Dean snarls at him. He can't think enough for words. There's a trail of blood and death he left behind him on his way here and he doesn't even care. All he can think about is -
Murder.
That's why he left.
Chaos.
Being a demon doesn't change you. It just brings out the bad parts of everything that makes you you. It turns your desire to save people into a hero complex.
Death.
It turns your sense of excitement and adventure into uncontrollable, adrenaline-fuelled bloodlust.
Destruction.
But sometimes there's something in you that's so unsullied, so true, so pure, that even being a demon can't touch the bad in it, because there's nothing bad in it to touch. Something like the most real and deep and unselfish love you've ever felt. Something like -
Sammy.
That's why Dean left the bunker, left Sam. He's tainted now. He's evil. And the part of him that's strongest, even now, the part of him that even the Mark of Cain couldn't touch, told him to leave before the corruption consuming him could hurt the one thing that still mattered.
Sam can't find him. He made sure of that. He left false trails in about fifty different directions, and he'd be sorry for the people who died so he could misdirect his brother, but -
But he isn't, and that's all there is to it.
But Cain's standing in front of him, calm and quiet and in control, and Dean needs to know how. He needs to know, so that maybe someday he can learn to control it. He can't ever go back to Sam for good, not with who he is now, what he is now. He'll learn to make his peace with that. But maybe, if he learns to control this thing inside him, he can occasionally sit in a diner with Sam and pretend to be normal and human and not the idiot who got turned into a demon because he ran off with freaking Crowley to get the Firstblade from Cain instead of being honest with the baby brother who loved him more than anything.
He doesn't have the words for all that, though, so all he says is, "How?"
Cain understands. He steps back to let Dean in, offers him a beer, and then says, "I'm sorry, Dean. I should have warned you. The Firstblade is restless. It needs to fulfil its purpose."
"I've killed people. I killed Abaddon!"
"The Firstblade was not meant for demons. It's an evil weapon, Dean. It needs to perform the act of ultimate evil -"
"I've -"
"Not even murder. You want to know why your mind can't settle and your skin feels like it's crawling? Because you haven't done it. Do it and you'll have peace. Then you can keep the Blade, throw it away, give away the Mark of Cain - it wants, Dean."
Dean's about to ask what, but Cain meets his eyes and looks every last one of his however-many-thousand years, and bloodlust rises in Dean like a storm against which his last vestige of humanity stands unshaken.
"It's the demon in you warring with the part of you that's still a man. The only way you can make it stop is to give up one of them. The Firstblade craves it, Dean. You have to -"
"Don't say it."
"Dean -"
"Don't say it."
"Fratricide."
The word hangs in the air like the echo of a gunshot. Dean can feel the Mark wanting, pushing, urging him on. It's practically humming at the idea, and Dean finds himself wondering what it would feel like to thrust the Firstblade into Sam's chest, to still his heart and stop his breathing -
And the part of him that's still Dean Winchester is ready to cut off his own arm and the Mark with it before he has the chance to spill a drop of Sam's blood.
"I won't do it," he says out loud.
Cain shrugs. "I didn't think you would."
"Sam can't find me."
"You can stay here. He won't."
Dean frowns. "You're… helping me?"
"I had a brother, too," Cain says quietly. "God knows I loved him." He laughs bitterly. "Lucifer certainly knew I loved him. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have killed him."
"You're sure Sam can't find me here?"
"I'm amazed Crowley got through with you. Sam's just a human. I have my ways of protecting myself. He'll never get here."
Dean thinks Cain wouldn't be so cocky if he knew Sammy.
But he doesn't say anything.
Crowley sits across from Sam in the diner where he insisted they meet, lounging so insouciantly that it's taking all Sam's willpower not to slug him.
"Where's Dean?" he asks, forcing the words out between clenched teeth.
"Lost your squirrel? You really should take better care of your pets, moose."
"Where's Dean?"
"You want to put out Lost Squirrel flyers? I can help you. I have friends -"
"Where's Dean?"
"Even if I knew, I wouldn't tell you. Why should I? You're the enemy, Sammy -"
"It's Sam."
"And Dean's one of us now. He's been one of us for years, Sam, but neither of you would admit it. With the lessons from Alastair, torturing souls, torturing demons - he doesn't want you, Sam. If he did, he would have stayed with you. Let it go."
"No. Where's Dean?"
Crowley rolled his eyes. "So predictable. Guess what, Sam? I'm not telling you. You've got nothing I want. I don't want your soul, Abaddon's dead, Metatron's a regular old Angel again, and I'm King of Hell. You, on the other hand, are a lost child who doesn't know what to do without his big brother. I'm sensing that the power in this equation doesn't lie with you."
"Really? Because I remember you in that church, Crowley, crying like a baby with a bit of my blood in you. You weren't so tough then."
"You didn't go through with it, though, did you? Let big brother talk you out of it. I would've gone all the way, Sam, no matter who was begging me to stop."
Sam scoffed. "Yeah, that's why your own son hates you." He leaned forward, keeping his eyes on Crowley. "How about we cut the crap? You can sit there pretending you're not scared of humans, but we both know you should be. Dean and I took down Azazel, Lilith, Lucifer, Michael, Eve, Cas when he thought he was God, Dick Roman, Abaddon… You? You're nothing. You can snap your fingers and disappear now, but if you don't tell me where Dean is first, I will hunt you down and I will carve the name of God into you with a blunt knife before I kill you and I won't rest until I've done it."
Crowley's eyes widen. Sam knows the demon's nervous. He feels a rush of fierce pride. The son of a bitch got Dean killed and then turned into a demon and now he thinks he's going to intimidate Sam?
"I don't know," Crowley says. His voice is as high and frightened as it was that night in the church when he realized what Sam intended to do.
"Crowley, my brother's missing. I have absolutely no patience left. This isn't the time to play games."
"Sam - Samantha - moose - I promise you I don't know. Trust me… Well, don't trust me, but you should know me well enough to know I'm not stupid. I don't want a vengeful Winchester coming after me. Why do you think I've not killed either of you yet? I know how disproportionately the other one would react. I don't know where Dean is. He wouldn't leave your home sweet home with me. I haven't seen him since."
"Fine," Sam says. "Go. But if you hear anything about where he is -"
"I will notify you immediately, or else you'll use my guts to tie your shoes. I get the picture." Crowley gets to his feet, hesitates and turns. "For what it's worth, moose, I'm rooting for you and the squirrel. He's not the same Dean without you. Hard to hate him when he's busy being a pathetic ball of moping."
Sam considers him for a moment, and then gives him a curt nod. "Thanks."
"So… do you have a plan?"
"Oh, yeah." Sam can't keep the smile from spreading across his face. "There's one person who knows more than anybody else about hiding."
Dean's feeling worse. He thought being around Cain might help, that he might absorb some of the other man's - the other demon's - calmness and control, but he just feels more and more restless. Cain's presence aggravates the Mark. He can feel the rising tide of violent rage, and the only thing holding it back is the knowledge that if he gives in, he'll never be able to look Sam in the eye again.
Now that Cain's said the word, Dean can't stop thinking about it. Images sneak into his brain, thoughts of sating his bloodlust with Sam's life, and they make his gut churn and his heart clench and his hand itch for the Firstblade.
Dean watches Cain move quietly around the tiny kitchen, and he can't hold back the sudden disgust he feels.
He killed his brother.
Dean's done terrible things, and he'll probably do more, but he knows that's one thing he won't do. No matter what. If his brother's life is the price of his sanity, he's resigned to going insane.
"How could you do it?" he asks. The question comes out harsher than he intends.
Cain looks at him. "Kill my brother?" He doesn't wait for Dean's nod before he goes on, "I loved him, Dean, and I didn't want to watch him become something he wasn't. I couldn't."
"And you couldn't just, I don't know, talk him out of it?"
"He wouldn't have listened to me. It was best this way, Dean, believe me."
Dean thinks of Sam. He thinks of destiny and Azazel and demon blood dripping into a baby's mouth.
He thinks of Dad, telling him he might have to kill Sam.
And he thinks of his brother, who's taken everything the world threw at him and lived and fought and looked for redemption, of his brother who's survived things no other human being could even imagine and can still look at Dean with wide hazel eyes like he thinks his big brother is the one who lights the stars every night.
Would Abel have been like that if he'd lived?
Dean feels a sudden surge of understanding and pity. Cain might have loved the child his brother was, but he had no chance to know the man he would have been. He had no chance to find out just how proud it makes you when you pick up after a kid and bandage his knees and cheer for his first kiss and then he grows up into one of the most incredible human beings in the world.
And it's Cain's own fault. That must make it worse.
That, he realizes with dawning comprehension, is why Cain is so confident Sam won't find them. He doesn't know better.
Poor Cain.
Sam eyes the scowling figure. He really ought to be scared, but he's long past it. Dean was dead, and now Dean's a demon, and between how empty he feels without his brother -again - and the memories of what Lucifer and Michael did to him for almost two hundred years… Well, there's not much anyone can do to him that's worse than what he's already experienced.
Apparently his companion realizes that, because after a minute he sighs and says, "What do you want? I was just starting to have fun with very hot identical triplets, so…"
Sam's nose wrinkles in distaste. "There are very hot identical triplets who don't run screaming at the sight of you?"
"Oh, come on, idiot. There have to be some job perks to being the sole surviving Archangel." Gabriel leans forward. "So, considering that you're alone, I'm guessing the otherWinchester got himself in some stupid scrape and you're going to beg me to bail him out."
"Dean took the Mark of Cain."
The mocking expression goes out of Gabriel's eyes, replaced with a frown. "Why?"
"He got it for Abaddon." Sam shrugs. "And he kept it for Metatron."
"Metatron? Yeah, I was hearing him on Angel radio. Apparently your friend Castiel took care of that problem. Just as well, I was thinking I'd have to come out of my nice quiet retired life to deal with it."
"You could have…" Sam stiffens. "You could have dealt with it? I thought Metatron was all-powerful!"
"Please. Castiel and Bartholomew might have been shaking in their shoes, but Metatron could never stand against an Archangel."
"And you sat around doing nothing? You're like an irresponsible child! Dean could have gotten rid of the Mark before -"
Sam breaks off, breathing heavily, and Gabriel smirks at him. "Oh, I can fill in the blanks. The Mark of Cain did it, I suppose. Turned his eyes black and his soul dark… or darker, anyway. It was already pretty dark. And now what, Sam?"
"I can cure him."
"I know you can. I heard you almost finished the trials. So you disturbed me why?"
"I can't find him… And I thought, who better to help me track down my brother than the Archangel who's been AWOL for like two thousand years?"
"You couldn't just follow the trail of blood?"
"Dean… Well, he made it difficult. It's a little too… messy."
"Wow. Apparently he has more spirit than I thought."
"I need you to help me find him."
"Anti-Angel tats on your ribs, remember? I can't."
"If I'd wanted Angel mojo I would just have called Cas."
"That's right, you would just have called your little pet. What you need to find your missing brother isn't Angelic strength, is it? What you need is the mind of a Trickster." Gabriel smiles unpleasantly. "So what's the trade?"
"Really? You're an Angel. Isn't helping people in your job description?"
"You're mixing me up with wussy Angels like Castiel and Hannah. You want something from me, you pay for it."
"What do you want?"
"Now we're talking." Gabriel's smile widens. He has far too many teeth. "In exchange for my help finding your brother, you promise me you won't interfere in what's happening upstairs. Whether your little friend is President or leading a seraph army or on the verge of the first official divine impeachment in history, you and big brother keep out of it."
"What? Why?"
"Because I say so, that's why. Heaven needs to sort itself out without outside interference. Just like Earth." Gabriel holds out his hand. "So? Do we have a deal?"
"Fine." Sam takes it.
Cain turns away from the window. "Your brother's coming."
"What? You said this place was secure!"
"I thought it was! He must have had help."
Dean opens his mouth, and what comes out is, "Does demonic strength mean I can strangle him?" Cain turns sharply, but Dean's already shaking his head in desperate denial. "No. No, I didn't - I won't - I don't want to hurt Sam. That's why I left. I can't -"
"Listen, Dean, I understand how you feel, but -"
"Don't you dare say it."
"Dean, listen to me. You're a demon now. You're immortal. Sam's still a man. Dying at thirty or dying at seventy, what difference does it make in the long run?"
"Shut up."
"He's going to die anyway, Dean. He's going to die and you won't. So you might as well just give in and have peace -"
"Shut up!"
Dean's voice is even angrier because he feels the traitorous tug of something inside him telling him Cain's right, Sammy's doomed, doomed like all of humanity is doomed, and if Sammy's going to die someday then why not today? Why keep fighting the inevitable?
The Mark is throbbing in an uneven, broken rhythm that whispers and screams and taunts and cajoles, and the only word in Dean's head is fratricide. His fingers itch to close around the Firstblade, to close around any blade, to close around Sam's throat and squeeze until the life goes out of those eyes and -
And this is Sammy, Sammy, sweet innocent Sammy who used to curl up in the crook of Dean's arm for a bedtime story. Dean's fingers itch again, but this time he isn't sure whether he wants to strangle Sam or stroke his head.
"You have to keep him away from me," Dean says hoarsely. "And you have to keep him safe from me."
"Dean, sometimes -"
"He's not Abel. Don't you see that? He's not your brother. Sam's faced his demons and won, and he's earned Heaven. You have to keep him safe from me."
"I'll do my best."
Dean submits to being shackled to a chair, sits quietly while Cain draws a Devil's Trap around him with each spray of paint feeling like an iron band around his soul, because the Mark is getting stronger and he can't take the risk that it'll get too strong for him.
Dean sobs as the final line is drawn on the wooden floor, because it feels like the end. He isn't Dean Winchester anymore. He's a demon in a trap, and he's a danger to everyone, even,especially, the baby brother Dean adored and willingly gave his soul to protect.
"Go on," Gabriel says, stopping at the perimeter fence.
Sam turns. "You're not coming with me?"
"I only promised to lead you here. Cain's a whiny ass and every time I see him he bitches at me about making sure Abel is safe and cared for and has everything he wants in Heaven. In Heaven! Like I give a damn what goes on in that miserable place. You want big brother, you go in there and get him."
"What do I do about Cain?"
Gabriel shrugs. "Deal with him. You'll find a way."
Before Sam can ask anything else, the Archangel vanishes. Aiming a scowl in the direction of the last spot he was, Sam goes on.
He takes a cautious look around before he steps into the yard. There don't seem to be any dangerous spells -
The door opens. A man steps out. Sam guesses it's Cain, though Dean's description didn't amounted to much beyond, "Who the hell cares what he looked like? He created the Firstblade."
"You can't come here," Cain says as soon as Sam's close enough to hear. "Your brother doesn't want to see you."
"I want to see him. I can help him."
"Nobody can help him, Sam, trust me. I was the first human being to get turned into a demon, and I'm telling you it's permanent." Cain's eyes flicker and go black. "The corruption of the Mark of Cain can't be reversed."
"I can help him," Sam repeats stubbornly. "Let me see him."
"He doesn't want to see you. And if he does, he'll probably try to kill you. He's not the brother you remember, Sam. He's a demon now."
"He's still my brother!"
"He will try to kill you. The Mark won't let him do anything else."
"Fine. That doesn't mean I'm not going to try to save him. I know how to cure a demon -"
"Really?"
Sam draws himself up. "Yes. Yes, I do. I know how to do it. I can cure Dean. It doesn't matter whether or not you believe me, because I'm going to him and I'm going to fix him."
"Not if I don't let you."
"Dean's my brother," Sam says, surprised Cain doesn't seem to get this. "You can't stop me."
"And you really think you can cure him?"
"I know I can. Now stop stalling." Cain frowns. "You're a demon. I know demons. There's always a price. I can fight my way past you, but that'll take time and there's a slim chance you'll win. So why don't you just tell me what you want in exchange for letting me go to my brother?"
Cain's piercing blue eyes consider him.
"Just what are you willing to offer me for the chance to save your brother?"
"Anything." The word comes without hesitation, and Sam means it.
"Good. And you really know how to cure a person of… being a demon?"
"Yes."
"That's what I want, then." Cain steps outside, shutting the door behind him. "You want to go inside to big brother? That's the price. Turn me human and I'll let you in."
Sam takes a breath, wondering if this is a trick of some kind.
Then he realizes it doesn't matter. Whether Cain's lying or not, if Sam turns him human, it'll be easy enough to get past him to Dean.
"Fine," he says. "I need a place where I can confess."
Part II