Letters To No One - Day 132 (13/?)
Letters to No One
Author: ColleenMcPinto
Rating: T
Pairing: B&B
Spoilers: The Beginning in the End.
Summary: B&B write letters in their year apart.
A/N: I know, it’s been like forever and a day since I updated. Real life took hold big time, and didn’t let up. We’ve moved into the house and have it mostly unpacked now, that’s been the main hold up. Well, that and the fact that I thought I lost my writing notebook, and along with it my muse. Thankfully, both returned. I meant to post this earlier, but I got a migrane and have been sleeping for the better part of 2 days. I'm still headachey, but not nauseous or as sensitive to light. ANd sadly, there may be another gap in chapters, I'm leaving on vacation Sunday, and won't be back until next Sunday. I'll bring my notebook with me, though and try to have a couple chapters ready for you.
Also, I'm not really loving this chapter, it feels incomplete. I couldn't find a way to end it, so I'm a little frustrated by it. Comments, critiques, advice.... all are very welcome. Thanks!
Day 132
She waited. She got his letter and she waited, waited for word that he was safe and that he would get her response. After 3 weeks she got an email from Cam that Booth’s unit returned to Kabul safely, and that Booth was with them.
She sat down and read his letter again, over and over, trying to formulate an appropriate response. She knew he saw her differently than others did. That was always clear. She just never knew how much attention he paid her. What he wrote was so personal and intimate. She thought she was waiting to respond to make sure that he was safe, but really she didn’t know what to say. She didn’t know if she knew him as well, as intimately as he seemed to know her. But she thought she owed it to him to try and respond, so she pulled out a pen and some paper and began to write.
Dear Booth,
It’s been quite some time since I wrote to you. Rationally, I would say it’s because you were out on your mission for three weeks, so the letter would have sat unread until you returned, what good would that have done? But truthfully, I didn’t know what to say. I’m still not completely sure, but I feel you deserve a response.
It was a beautiful letter, Booth. I’ve always known that you watch me, and really observe what I do. It’s a part of who you are, it’s what makes you such an excellent agent, and I suppose an excellent soldier. I never knew how much of that visual knowledge you retained, though. I’ve been thinking about our time together, and can’t remember ever volunteering any of the information you wrote of.
After reading the letter, I almost think you know me better than I know myself in some ways, though I know that’s not possible. You just have this way of drawing me out, and seeing things about me that others perhaps miss or don’t understand. Sometimes you even help me understand things about myself.
I took your advice; I went out with my colleagues. I got along well with most everyone. We went out for dinner and drinks, and then played some games at the beach. The downtime really did wonders for us. When we returned to the dig site, we were well rested and relaxed, but we also seemed to work better together. It was as if the simple act of spending time together socially acted as a cohesive bond. We worked as a team, just like in the games; we weren’t individuals working toward a common goal. I also noticed something, something that you would have noticed too. I think Daisy may be seeing Kurt. We tend to discourage fraternization between workers, as it usually hinders the work environment, especially if the relationship doesn’t work out, but Daisy and Kurt work quite well together. They seem to anticipate each other’s needs and sometimes communicate without even speaking. It’s very interesting to watch. I often find myself wondering if we worked like that. Sweets was always alluding to something of that nature. I wonder if we’ll work that way when we get back.
I wonder a lot about what we’ll be like once this year is over. I believe these letters have helped preserve our partnership, and perhaps even strengthened it in some ways. But in others I just don’t know. What really disturbed me about your last letter was how well you knew me, but how can you still know someone after a year apart?
Do you know I drink my coffee black now? They don’t have soy creamer here, and I just got tired of the sugar. I wonder how you drink your coffee. Is it the same, 3 regular sugars and French vanilla creamer? Do they have that in Afghanistan?
Do you still eat oatmeal for breakfast on Mondays and Wednesdays, and cereal on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and pancakes or French toast as a weekend treat? Do you still have your own regimens for everything or are the Army’s enough for you? When you come back, will you still wear your cocky belt buckle and garish ties? I don’t know if I’ll wear heels. I wear sneakers or Tevas now, and they are both practical and comfortable, perhaps I’ll find practical and comfortable shoes for the Jeffersonian too. Will Uranus still be your favorite planet (for obvious reasons), or will a more grown up planet take its place? People here have told me they think war robs people of their innocence… I don’t want that to happen to you again.
Personally, I think this time apart is good for us. I know I needed to get away and take a break. I’ve said over and over that I need to reprioritize and reanalyze my life. I need to reevaluate and see if solving murders is what I want to do. I believe I’ve decided that for the time being, I will remain with the Jeffersonian, and as an FBI liaison. But the more I do that, the more I come to fear that when we reunite, nothing will be the same. We will, physically be the same people, but psychologically, emotionally, even anthropologically, we will be changed. Nobody stays the same through the course of a year, and since we are apart, what will that mean for our partnership? Will we still be an effective team?
We worked well together because we knew each other… the nuances, subtle body movements, and voice inflections, of each other. Our partnership was based off of a trust that was built upon 5 years of working closely together. We won’t be those people anymore; we won’t have worked together for a year, so how can you be so sure that you’ll know me?
Change seems to be the recurring theme of my letters. Everything is changing. We are changing, as individuals and as partners. I told you all those months ago that I didn’t know how to change, but it wasn’t exactly true. Booth, I was scared. I still am. I like to make lists and plan and know what is going to happen. I didn’t know that you would become my best friend, the person I tell everything to. I didn’t plan for any of it, and it’s scary. I don’t know what is going to happen in 7 months when we see each other again. I don’t know what we will be like anymore, and it all scares me. I understood your letter Booth, I loved your letter, but it doesn’t mean that we’ll be the same.
I’m sorry. This letter feels incomplete, but I don’t know what else to say. I’m trying to change, Booth. I’m trying. I miss you, and look forward to your next letter.
233 days,
Bones.
She put the letter in an envelope and addressed it. She didn’t know what to think of this one. She tried to be honest and write without over-thinking or over-analyzing, but she knows that’s who she is and what she does. She knows that she wants to change, and she thinks that maybe, when they are together again, everything will change again, only this time it will be a good change.