Letters To No One (12/?) Day 111
Letters to No One
Author: ColleenMcPinto
Rating: T
Pairing: B&B
Spoilers: The Beginning in the End.
Summary: B&B write letters in their year apart.
A/N: Ugh. I meant to start this a while ago, but this whole moving and packing business is driving me crazy. Our house still has no AC, it’s been in our name for 2 weeks now, and finally the home warranty has gone through. It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I can finally do stuff again without worrying. I still really apologize for taking so long. I actually started this chapter last week, but I just couldn’t get into it. I re-read all of Bones’ previous letters and finally figured out where I want to go with it. I’m really excited about this one, and hope you like it. A lot of it came to me while I was lying in bed with the hubby. J
Day 111
He’s anxious, nervous, confused, tired, frustrated, and hurt; but also exhilarated and excited. He wants her to be where he is mentally, but knows that it’s impossible right now. He read her letters, all of them, over and over again. At first it made him angry, that she would write those letters, say those things, but she didn’t want to send them to him. But the more he read the letters, the more he got it. She’s beyond scared; she’s never felt this way before. Well, she has but her parents and her brother left her. She put up those nearly impenetrable walls almost 20 years ago and decided to only count on herself. The fact that she realized she was becoming more and more dependent on him and their partnership excited him beyond belief, but the fact that she needed to be away from him to find herself again saddened him. He reads the letters again, and is amazed once more. This time what amazes him is how much clarity she seems to write with without even knowing it. The way she knows she needs to figure out who she is again before giving herself to someone. It’s like she’s becoming a new Bones… or maybe an improved Bones. One who knows how to think with her heart and her head. One who puts a little more stock in psychology. It makes him hopeful and he knows that with these letters to hold on to, her words written down, he can wait as long as she needs.
He sits down at his desk and writes what she needs to read.
Dear Bones,
I may have to write this in installments, and it may take a while for me to respond too. We’re getting ready to go out on a three week mission. You know, when I accepted this position, I thought it would be easier. I thought I’d be on base teaching the kids how to shoot, how to sight, how to be stealthy. I never thought I’d have to go out with them on all the missions. I never thought I’d have to watch them as they silently kill people. I know you’d probably say, these are things I should have discussed before accepting, but Bones, I was too scared. I needed to do this, and if I knew for certain that I’d have to relive everything I wouldn’t have gone.
I hope you know that getting your letters, having a connection to you, it helps me cope with everything. Getting your letters, Bones, it reminds me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, something for me to look forward to.
Bones, before your letters I knew a lot about you, probably more than you thought I did. I know your favorite flowers… daffodils and daisies. You like them because they’re pretty and bright and a little unusual.
Your favorite planet is Jupiter, you like it for the same reason, it’s pretty and bright (just Mars & Venus are brighter) and it’s a little different. Plus, the history behind its discovery and naming and everything interests you the most.
Your favorite color is purple. At first I thought it would be yellow because of the flowers, but it’s purple. You’re not an incredibly vain person, but you like purple because of the way it makes your eyes look. (It’s the same reason I like purple… but I like blue better because it reminds me of your eyes).
I know how you take your coffee… 2 raw sugars when we get it while we’re out. If we drink it at your place (or mine now too) you do 1 raw sugar and some soy creamer. You prefer your coffee with the bit of creamer, but you don’t complain when we’re out. The diner doesn’t have anything other than half and half, and the coffee cart has soy milk, but it’s not creamy enough… and a soy latte is too creamy and not coffee-y enough for you.
Your favorite cereal is cocoa puffs, but you eat multigrain cheerios more often. You save the cocoa puffs for when you’re hung-over, or for after a really bad case, or for after you’ve spent a lot of time with your father and brother.
When we go out for drinks after cases, the weather usually dictates what drink you get. In the winter and fall, you usually stick to red wine. In the spring and summer you switch to white, or occasionally rum or vodka tonic with a twist. You drink the harder stuff after tough cases too.
You like to indulge in really nice sheets and other bed linens, and you use more pillows when you sleep than anyone I’ve ever met. When we go undercover, you bring your own pillows, and the few times that we’ve shared a bed you’ve stolen at least one of my pillows too.
Ever since Cam started working at the Jeffersonian, your fashion sense has gotten… well… sexier. I don’t know if it’s a conscious thing. I don’t think it is. The thing I’ve noticed the most is your shoes. You wear heels now… but you keep a pair of crocs under your desk for afterhours. That’s why I got you that foot spa last year for your birthday.
You don’t read a lot of fiction, but your favorite book is “Brave New World” by Aldous Huxley. It’s the most worn on your bookcase at home… and you keep a copy in your office at the Jeffersonian.
Your favorite bones are the metacarpals. You always notice people’s hands first. You like firm handshakes. You watch people when they talk with their hands and gesture. I can tell you’re thinking about all the bones and muscles they are using. You look at victims hands a lot when you’re studying them. You just like hands.
You don’t like giving expert testimony. You don’t like being up in front of all those people being questioned or sort of exposed. You do it because it’s your job and you know that you’re right, but you don’t like it.
Coincidentally, you love being on stage, lecturing for students and colleagues, singing “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” or “Hotblooded.” You love that rush, the attention, the entertaining.
I’m not telling you these things to freak you out or to make you think I’m investigating or stalking you or anything. I’m telling you this to let you know, that even if you feel lost, I know who you are.
Reading all those letters, it made me realize that I’m the one being selfish. I know who you are; I should have known I couldn’t push you. I know what I want, but I can’t make you want it too.
Bones, you’re going to be over there for 8 more months while you’re out there figuring things out, don’t isolate yourself. Remembering the past, missing people (you know me, Angela, Cam… you dad & brother) it can help you on your journey. It can help you realize why what you were doing was worthwhile. It can help you realize that sometimes you do need other people to make you feel whole, even if that person isn’t me. In Maluku, get involved; go out when your colleagues go out. Get to know them, make friends. Make the most of your trip. You’re not just there to be a forensic anthropologist. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, make the most of it. You’ll do a better job if you actually know and like (or dislike) the people you are working with. It may even help you figure out your life.
Remember the past, Bones but don’t live in it. Don’t pine for the future, just look forward to it. Live in the present because it’s all you’ve got. I know you Bones, I’ll still know you when we are back together, and even if you still don’t know who you are, I’ll wait for you for as long as it takes.
254 days,
Booth
He folded up the letter and got ready to send it out. This time it was with a heavy heart, knowing that he wouldn’t get another letter for at least 3 weeks. He loved the letters they wrote each other, but in some ways they made him miss her more. He knows this letter will affect her and he wishes he could be there to help her work through it. He wishes he could just keep sending letters to reassure her, but this stupid mission that he took seems to push him further and further away from her. He slipped the letter in the outgoing mailbox and walked back to his barracks to get ready for the worst 3 weeks of his life.