When it struck me (when it struck me) That I'd been waiting since birth to...
In June of this year, this photo will be 16 years old. My high school graduation was 16 years ago this week, and it's bonkers to me because I feel like it never happened.
It was a pretty eventful day. The school refused to pay the fire marshal fine that would allow us to safely graduate inside, so we had to graduate outside in a pouring thunder and lightening storm on a flooded football field. I snuck in contraband Mouseketeer ears. They had pressed to us the sanctity of graduation, how important this moment was for us, (etc., whatever)... and then had showed us they literally gave zero shits if we died. To say that I gave zero fucks about high school is also an understatement. Considering how absolutely miserable my experience had been, being forced to sit on metal folding chairs in the rain while the sky cracks with flame and thunder in a flooded field neatly surmises anything *gestures broadly*.
I mean, to be perfectly honest, even sneaking in the ears was a feat, because they were not allowing us (a very heavily Polynesian and Pacific Islander graduating class) to show anything but very regulated black robes. I wore an over-sized men's dress shirt and a sports bra and shoved the ears under the shirt in my armpit, so when we were searched for contraband (like any ethnic displays or air horns or anything like that), mine could not be detected. (The more and more I think about this over the years, the more and more I am like, "wow, everything about this was such bullshit."). The guy I sat next to was someone I had never met until graduation practice. During the ceremony, he watched me fumble around under my jacket for my ears, not... entirely understand what I was doing or what was going on until the ears came out (to which he approved).
Everything about this was so absolutely fucking bonkers.
It's also absolutely fucking bonkers to me that I have used LiveJournal since 2003, back when you used to have to be invited. I used it as a way to grieve.
Today is the 19th anniversary of the passing of my Grandpa. He was my favourite person in the entire world, second only to my grandmother. He was easily everyone's favourite person, and every time I meet someone from my mom's high school years, the first thing they want to tell me is how my grandparents were their favourite people, too.
This is from my middle school graduation (which was actually at the same high school in the gym from 4 years previously, and would be the last major life event of mine my grandfather would get to be a part of)
My original LJ doesn't exist anymore and was deleted when I made this one. I had to make the switch because of bullying (did I mention I absolutely hated high school?).
That being said, in the literal sense of the word, I was incredibly popular in high school, but not in the classic high school teen movie way of being popular. In fact, all of the "popular" kids in school only had that title because they gave it to themselves--most of them, if not the vast majority of them, were incredibly unlikable people who were incredibly unkind. They all also all peaked in high school. In fact, it was nearly impossible for people to not be popular in high school in a real sense because everyone had so many friends and friend groups, and generally speaking, most people liked each other! Everyone had lots of friends! People generally floated in multiple circles and had lots of friends!
A lot of people take high school so seriously and act like everything that happens in high school makes or breaks your entire future and is the end of the world. I always knew that high school was bullshit and so I never paid that much attention to it. Not to make myself out as some maverick or anything, but you can ask anyone I went to school with, I did not care at ALL. Everyone was so worried about college and doing this or doing that, and I just knew, as someone who had very dire predictions thrust upon them my entire life and who had a life expectancy of.. what> 17? that these things weren't as important as everyone made them out to be.
I try to not be nostalgic and live as present as humanly possible. I used to actually be a lot more nostalgic when I was younger, because I recognized that I didn't have the same relationship with my childhood and my youth the same way that other people did because I had been robbed of so much of it. I didn't get to really have a childhood, so I wanted to cling to the nostalgia of what I never got to have for as long as possible. One of the saddest things about trauma is that you lose whole years of your life. I lost almost an entire decade of my 20's. My life didn't even really begin until the year I turned 30, so I can honestly say that at 33 and a half, I am the happiest, youngest and freest I have ever felt.
I am sad, however, that it has been 19 years since my grandfather passed away. I am sad he never got to see this part of my life or be part of it. I am sad that not being born into inter-generational wealth and having to work in factories prematurely took him from us because he contracted a rare blood disease.
tl;dr: time is literally imaginary, just get out* there an enjoy yourself.
*responsibly, because, you know, Covid and shit.