sorry, Fiona Apple, it's nothing personal
I released a charity single last week. I programmed it from the drums up. I wrote it. I composed it. I recorded it, mixed it, mastered it. Scrimped and saved to release it.
No one bought it.
That's not true.
There were a couple of people (thank you!) who did buy it. There's been maybe 3 streams of it on Spotify. There were a few people who did share it.
But I begged a few of my friends to share it, and they didn't.
The next day, the new Fiona Apple album came out.
Everyone shared it. Everyone couldn't shut up about it. Everyone plastered my entire feed with the new album.
It felt terrible.
Generally speaking, I do feel overwhelming depression and a crippling sense of failure every single time I release something, because I work so hard and it just arrives as a still born into the world. It's a terrible feeling.
There are really wonderful loyal friends and listeners all over the world who do stream and buy, and I am immensely grateful, make no mistake. I am not in this to make money or be famous.
I get it, maybe my friends don't like it. Maybe they don't care. They're not obligated to share anything. I get it.
But it just sucks. There's no way around it. It sucks. And it sucks MORE because it's an artist that I don't necessarily dislike, but isn't one that I care about. She's even listed in my LJ "interests" section. 'Extraordinary Machine' is my favourite records of hers, and the one that I find the most listenable.
I GET that she only releases albums once in a blue moon.
I understand all of that.
It's nothing personal or against Fiona Apple.
It just sucks to work so hard and have your friends ignore it for someone who doesn't give a shit if they exist or not.
It's just an ugly and unhappy feeling.
I've been doing my best to not be on social media right now, because of how short tempered I am anyway and in heightened state everyone is in right now, it's all bad. I am overwhelmed easily. I am not using Twitter. I truly wish I hadn't seen everyone lose their minds over the new Fiona Apple record.
It's not jealousy. It's not bitterness that people are enjoying something that they enjoy that I don't enjoy as much as they do over something I have created.
It's just so hard to work for hard and to feel simultaneously grateful for the support you DO get and feeling like a complete failure, which is already how I would have felt during a release cycle made acutely more painful during a period of global isolation (which has actually, surprisingly, affected me very little?) and being ignored, essentially.
It's just something to think about that I have been a little hesitant to express for a while now. I don't want to shame anyone. I am happy that there are people who do care, share, buy and listen. I don't want to seem like Veruca Salt here.
In a time where everyone (but me, I think) is feeling isolated, this has been the first time I have felt isolated during the entire pandemic. Truly.
No one bought it.
That's not true.
There were a couple of people (thank you!) who did buy it. There's been maybe 3 streams of it on Spotify. There were a few people who did share it.
But I begged a few of my friends to share it, and they didn't.
The next day, the new Fiona Apple album came out.
Everyone shared it. Everyone couldn't shut up about it. Everyone plastered my entire feed with the new album.
It felt terrible.
Generally speaking, I do feel overwhelming depression and a crippling sense of failure every single time I release something, because I work so hard and it just arrives as a still born into the world. It's a terrible feeling.
There are really wonderful loyal friends and listeners all over the world who do stream and buy, and I am immensely grateful, make no mistake. I am not in this to make money or be famous.
I get it, maybe my friends don't like it. Maybe they don't care. They're not obligated to share anything. I get it.
But it just sucks. There's no way around it. It sucks. And it sucks MORE because it's an artist that I don't necessarily dislike, but isn't one that I care about. She's even listed in my LJ "interests" section. 'Extraordinary Machine' is my favourite records of hers, and the one that I find the most listenable.
I GET that she only releases albums once in a blue moon.
I understand all of that.
It's nothing personal or against Fiona Apple.
It just sucks to work so hard and have your friends ignore it for someone who doesn't give a shit if they exist or not.
It's just an ugly and unhappy feeling.
I've been doing my best to not be on social media right now, because of how short tempered I am anyway and in heightened state everyone is in right now, it's all bad. I am overwhelmed easily. I am not using Twitter. I truly wish I hadn't seen everyone lose their minds over the new Fiona Apple record.
It's not jealousy. It's not bitterness that people are enjoying something that they enjoy that I don't enjoy as much as they do over something I have created.
It's just so hard to work for hard and to feel simultaneously grateful for the support you DO get and feeling like a complete failure, which is already how I would have felt during a release cycle made acutely more painful during a period of global isolation (which has actually, surprisingly, affected me very little?) and being ignored, essentially.
It's just something to think about that I have been a little hesitant to express for a while now. I don't want to shame anyone. I am happy that there are people who do care, share, buy and listen. I don't want to seem like Veruca Salt here.
In a time where everyone (but me, I think) is feeling isolated, this has been the first time I have felt isolated during the entire pandemic. Truly.