Elle n’a vécu que pour les autres: Speed of Life
I've been thinking an awful lot about mortality lately, this really has me thinking. And I hate being like this. Although, I think, also, that being honest about my pain and vulnerability makes me invincible.
I never thought about David Bowie dying. It was never in the realm of possibility. I guess I subconsciously assumed he was going to be around forever. I thought I would see him on tour at least once.
This past year, I gave up seeing a lot of live acts that I wanted to for traveling. One these shows was Blondie opening for Morrissey. That's a once-in-a-lifetime thing. You always assume that your favourite musicians are going to tour forever. Well, they aren't. And when you give up seeing them for seeing your friends or other people, are they really worth giving up what you might not be able to ever have back? You know, maybe I didn't do the right thing.
I've spent most of my life putting it on hold for other people. I put everyone else first. And now, I am going to be 29 years old this August, and I have virtually nothing to show for it. I put everything on hold, for mommy, for grandma, for family, for "friends," and I turn around and I am almost 30. If the things that Happen in Life were to have happened, they'd have already done so. It's too late for me, I'm too old. (My family loves reminding me that I am "too old," now, for everything. Thanks, everyone.)
I never got to live my life because I was too busy pleasing other people, being the dutiful daughter and the ever-reliant friend. Who is also conveniently disposable at any time.
I thought about everything my grandparents gave up, everything they sacrificed, for their hopes and dreams. Only so that in the end, greed tore their what they had worked for their whole lives.. apart.
This wasn't just a house, this was my home. It was warmth, stability and safety.
I'm just tired of making sacrifices that hurt. They just hurt, and I get nothing out of them. I usually make a lot of other people happy and I end up crying by myself somewhere. You know maybe "the right thing" isn't the right thing.