take the pain killer
so i'm a quarter way done with college.
and i simply can't believe it.
so much time has passed; so many things have happened.
and yet still, in spite of it all, in spite of the year, and in spite of my reluctance, i just can't help from thinking: maybe you're going to be the one that saves me
farewell willamette.
it's been one fucking ride.
thinking back to august, panicking that life was making me move on.
remembering september, remembering the pain, screaming out under my breath
and then just trying to figure out how i got through october, and the rest of the first semester.
and just being amazed that i did get through it, through all the pain, through all the suffering, through all the scares, through all the hopelessness. i don't quite know how i made it.
everyday's a new day
for some reason, everything started looking up this semester.
from the very minute i arrived in january, i realized that it felt at least a little bit good to be back.
and then when i went home in February, i was at the stage of where i could of survived just a little bit longer.
but then something started to happen over spring break. i actually wanted to spend time with willamette people.
and i did.
cold hands, warm heart; we just need some time apart
and then, let's call that the turning point. or how about the time when i had to drive myself to the airport leaving for spring break.
whichever, i began to savor the moments i spent with willamette people.
i applied to transfer, simply because that was the plan. what a half-assed attempt that was. rather, it was like quarter-assed.
but there was this miraculous transition that occurred somewhere in the past five weeks. it was somewhere in between the not wanting to leave home, and the not wanting to come home.
somehow, i began to be filled with willamette love.
as much as i used to hate it, now i am feeling the same feelings regarding willamette as i did regarding athenian.
somehow they got to me.
under your skin feels like home
i began to forge all of these connections. i began to get to know these people.
i began to realize that perhaps it wasn't athenian that made everyone feel special, perhaps, just maybe, it was me.
and with that terrible revelation, i began to indulge in Willamettites.
it's so clear now that you are all that i have
and, then, somehow, i began to realize what i was missing.
i began to realize the wonderful people all around.
and these people can easily be divided up into three categories, each equally important.
first off is the kitchen.
i began working in February. and at first it was the totally awkward stage.
but then, after a few weeks i began to open up.
and that did miracles. i began to talk to them more and more, both during and outside of work.
and i began to become friends with them.
friends, again.
and then i began to gravitate towards the general manager, the king if you prefer.
and i just started to talk to him and joke around with him while i was catering and he was organizing. there was this one time where we both couldn't stop laughing when the new catering manager (lower down on the food chain them him) tried to hold a pre game meeting.
and then i began to go back into the kitchen during lunches and find a reason to visit with various kitchen people.
and perhaps, the culmination of it was, during midnight breakfast, a catered activity (i didn't work) for all willamette students the night before the start of finals.
and most of the big shots were there, and i essentially spent an hour talking to him. on my own time.
which, as you might think, was ridiculous.
and so then i told him that i was going to make this stuff and he's like send in pictures. and i told him i was going to send in comment cards over the summer because i was bored. and he said to do one for both france and london, kind of like a kitchen postcard.
and then i find out he's from the bay area. that is one thing you learn in college. you automatically gravitate towards those people that remind you of (and are probably from) home, whether you know it or not.
something's new but nothing's changed
and then there was this fraternity.
and my god what an experience that was.
culminating in an AWE like experience, where I learned so much about myself and realized how lucky I was to be a part of this fraternity.
the relationships I formed are just mind boggling.
the fraternity was part of what saved me.
it was sort of a forced love at first, where you know you have to like everyone. fake friends, one might say.
but it worked.
we became friends. close friends.
we gossiped so much. you don't know drama until you've worked in a kitchen while in a fraternity.
and i fed off that.
and this fraternity, i get a sense of love from it.
i'm afraid i'm not coming down
this fraternity, when i say something in chapter, when i just open my mouth, they start to laugh.
just like athenian used to.
just because that's the way it's meant to be.
and that laughing, that's such a good thing.
they know me. at least more than most.
and even though were times I wanted to say fuck it and drop it, i made it through.
and it was so worth it.
i now have a group of people--the people i will be living with next year--who i feel completely comfortable around.
they contain some the people who know me best.
people that i aspire to be.
i'm tangled up in you
but then there was a select group of people who may have proved to be more important than the rest.
those that I lived with.
well not even lived with, but just those handful of people that i spent the most time with.
they were there in the beginning, when i retracted.
but, surprisingly to me, they were still there when i was ready late this semester to start forming willamette relationships.
and so i did.
i got to know these people.
and i found that i loved it.
the moments spent with these people are the moments i was savoring towards the end there.
they made me wish that i had reached out earlier. they make me regret the days when i just wanted to be far away from willamette, when i just wanted to give up.
these are the people i will miss over the summer.
these are the people that i will miss forever, because i'll never be as close to them as i was this year.
they are who make me regret wasting all that time first semester.
even the best fall down sometimes
and what a crazy year it was.
through the pain and the tears, through the crushes and the smiles, i've just found out that there is so much love in the world!.
because of the people at willamette, i may even venture to say in part because of me, my life is now filled with love.
a white horse is walking down my street again
as i told rachel, we now have two worlds of love.
we've gone out to form these relationships, while we still have so much love at home.
we went out and we developed this other world out of nothing.
we found so much love.
i found this love and i formed it.
and now i have it.
forever.
willamette has made me succeed.
my first year of college has been a success.
and i'll miss it.
i'll miss the people.
i want to see them all again already.
because of the people there, i am proud to go to willamette.
and i wouldn't rather be anywhere else.
those others, they don't have the people like we do.
ours are brilliant.
leave all this misery behind
because of these last five weeks, i know life will be a success. i know that the rest of my time at willamette will be a success.
i'm proud of willamette.
i'm proud of my choice to go there.
and through all of it, through all the dark days, just the fact that I want to be back there provides me with the confidence that my time there, and my time everywhere, is only going to be better.
i know i wasn't the most social at willamette in the beginning. but that has changed.
i know i've been unlike myself when i've visited athenians. but that will change.
and just keep that in mind.
and now for what i've been waiting to post for over a month.
the second single from Embrace's comeback album, "Ashes".
read the lyrics.
this is how i feel.
i am going to come back around.
i will rise up once again and will be better than before.
there was a bump in the road.
Willamette and life tried to win the struggle, but almost unexpectedly, I won.
You are more powerful than you might at first think.
Now watch me rise up beneath all the ashes you made out of me.
"Ashes"--Embrace
I've waited, and given the chance again,
I'd do it all the same, but either way
I'm always outplayed, up on your down days
I left it the right way, to start again
Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me
When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, just look how long I've agreed
Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me
When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, just look how long I've agreed
Out of place, like a gem on a coalface
Lost on the right way, it's all the same
'Cause I've had my hopes raised, riding the wrong waves
Scared when you felt safe to start again
Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me
When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, just look how wrong I could be
Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me
When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, you blew me away
Away
Away
Away
Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me
When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, just look how long I've agreed
Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me
When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, you blew me away
Away
Away
Away
I sink like a stone, I lost my control
I sink like a stone, I lost my control
I sink like a stone, I lost my control
and i simply can't believe it.
so much time has passed; so many things have happened.
and yet still, in spite of it all, in spite of the year, and in spite of my reluctance, i just can't help from thinking: maybe you're going to be the one that saves me
farewell willamette.
it's been one fucking ride.
thinking back to august, panicking that life was making me move on.
remembering september, remembering the pain, screaming out under my breath
and then just trying to figure out how i got through october, and the rest of the first semester.
and just being amazed that i did get through it, through all the pain, through all the suffering, through all the scares, through all the hopelessness. i don't quite know how i made it.
everyday's a new day
for some reason, everything started looking up this semester.
from the very minute i arrived in january, i realized that it felt at least a little bit good to be back.
and then when i went home in February, i was at the stage of where i could of survived just a little bit longer.
but then something started to happen over spring break. i actually wanted to spend time with willamette people.
and i did.
cold hands, warm heart; we just need some time apart
and then, let's call that the turning point. or how about the time when i had to drive myself to the airport leaving for spring break.
whichever, i began to savor the moments i spent with willamette people.
i applied to transfer, simply because that was the plan. what a half-assed attempt that was. rather, it was like quarter-assed.
but there was this miraculous transition that occurred somewhere in the past five weeks. it was somewhere in between the not wanting to leave home, and the not wanting to come home.
somehow, i began to be filled with willamette love.
as much as i used to hate it, now i am feeling the same feelings regarding willamette as i did regarding athenian.
somehow they got to me.
under your skin feels like home
i began to forge all of these connections. i began to get to know these people.
i began to realize that perhaps it wasn't athenian that made everyone feel special, perhaps, just maybe, it was me.
and with that terrible revelation, i began to indulge in Willamettites.
it's so clear now that you are all that i have
and, then, somehow, i began to realize what i was missing.
i began to realize the wonderful people all around.
and these people can easily be divided up into three categories, each equally important.
first off is the kitchen.
i began working in February. and at first it was the totally awkward stage.
but then, after a few weeks i began to open up.
and that did miracles. i began to talk to them more and more, both during and outside of work.
and i began to become friends with them.
friends, again.
and then i began to gravitate towards the general manager, the king if you prefer.
and i just started to talk to him and joke around with him while i was catering and he was organizing. there was this one time where we both couldn't stop laughing when the new catering manager (lower down on the food chain them him) tried to hold a pre game meeting.
and then i began to go back into the kitchen during lunches and find a reason to visit with various kitchen people.
and perhaps, the culmination of it was, during midnight breakfast, a catered activity (i didn't work) for all willamette students the night before the start of finals.
and most of the big shots were there, and i essentially spent an hour talking to him. on my own time.
which, as you might think, was ridiculous.
and so then i told him that i was going to make this stuff and he's like send in pictures. and i told him i was going to send in comment cards over the summer because i was bored. and he said to do one for both france and london, kind of like a kitchen postcard.
and then i find out he's from the bay area. that is one thing you learn in college. you automatically gravitate towards those people that remind you of (and are probably from) home, whether you know it or not.
something's new but nothing's changed
and then there was this fraternity.
and my god what an experience that was.
culminating in an AWE like experience, where I learned so much about myself and realized how lucky I was to be a part of this fraternity.
the relationships I formed are just mind boggling.
the fraternity was part of what saved me.
it was sort of a forced love at first, where you know you have to like everyone. fake friends, one might say.
but it worked.
we became friends. close friends.
we gossiped so much. you don't know drama until you've worked in a kitchen while in a fraternity.
and i fed off that.
and this fraternity, i get a sense of love from it.
i'm afraid i'm not coming down
this fraternity, when i say something in chapter, when i just open my mouth, they start to laugh.
just like athenian used to.
just because that's the way it's meant to be.
and that laughing, that's such a good thing.
they know me. at least more than most.
and even though were times I wanted to say fuck it and drop it, i made it through.
and it was so worth it.
i now have a group of people--the people i will be living with next year--who i feel completely comfortable around.
they contain some the people who know me best.
people that i aspire to be.
i'm tangled up in you
but then there was a select group of people who may have proved to be more important than the rest.
those that I lived with.
well not even lived with, but just those handful of people that i spent the most time with.
they were there in the beginning, when i retracted.
but, surprisingly to me, they were still there when i was ready late this semester to start forming willamette relationships.
and so i did.
i got to know these people.
and i found that i loved it.
the moments spent with these people are the moments i was savoring towards the end there.
they made me wish that i had reached out earlier. they make me regret the days when i just wanted to be far away from willamette, when i just wanted to give up.
these are the people i will miss over the summer.
these are the people that i will miss forever, because i'll never be as close to them as i was this year.
they are who make me regret wasting all that time first semester.
even the best fall down sometimes
and what a crazy year it was.
through the pain and the tears, through the crushes and the smiles, i've just found out that there is so much love in the world!.
because of the people at willamette, i may even venture to say in part because of me, my life is now filled with love.
a white horse is walking down my street again
as i told rachel, we now have two worlds of love.
we've gone out to form these relationships, while we still have so much love at home.
we went out and we developed this other world out of nothing.
we found so much love.
i found this love and i formed it.
and now i have it.
forever.
willamette has made me succeed.
my first year of college has been a success.
and i'll miss it.
i'll miss the people.
i want to see them all again already.
because of the people there, i am proud to go to willamette.
and i wouldn't rather be anywhere else.
those others, they don't have the people like we do.
ours are brilliant.
leave all this misery behind
because of these last five weeks, i know life will be a success. i know that the rest of my time at willamette will be a success.
i'm proud of willamette.
i'm proud of my choice to go there.
and through all of it, through all the dark days, just the fact that I want to be back there provides me with the confidence that my time there, and my time everywhere, is only going to be better.
i know i wasn't the most social at willamette in the beginning. but that has changed.
i know i've been unlike myself when i've visited athenians. but that will change.
and just keep that in mind.
and now for what i've been waiting to post for over a month.
the second single from Embrace's comeback album, "Ashes".
read the lyrics.
this is how i feel.
i am going to come back around.
i will rise up once again and will be better than before.
there was a bump in the road.
Willamette and life tried to win the struggle, but almost unexpectedly, I won.
You are more powerful than you might at first think.
Now watch me rise up beneath all the ashes you made out of me.
"Ashes"--Embrace
I've waited, and given the chance again,
I'd do it all the same, but either way
I'm always outplayed, up on your down days
I left it the right way, to start again
Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me
When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, just look how long I've agreed
Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me
When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, just look how long I've agreed
Out of place, like a gem on a coalface
Lost on the right way, it's all the same
'Cause I've had my hopes raised, riding the wrong waves
Scared when you felt safe to start again
Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me
When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, just look how wrong I could be
Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me
When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, you blew me away
Away
Away
Away
Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me
When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, just look how long I've agreed
Now watch me rise up and leave all the ashes you made out of me
When you said that we were wrong, life goes on, you blew me away
Away
Away
Away
I sink like a stone, I lost my control
I sink like a stone, I lost my control
I sink like a stone, I lost my control